All I Want Series Boxset, Books 1-3: All I Want for Christmas, All I Want for Valentine's, All I Want for Spring (11 page)

But now, having just shared that kiss, I could see her whole life was one big act, with Nicola Sheen lurching from one scene to the next. Who was the real Nicola? I had no idea. All I knew was, I needed some air, to get out of there sharpish. Kissing my first love had thrown up a tornado of emotions.

“Nicola, I’ve got to go — got to get back to work.” I walked over to the pink sofa and picked up my bag, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand as I did. It didn’t stop my mouth burning. “That’s definitely the one, though.” I pointed towards the dress she was wearing. “You look absolutely stunning.”

Nicola turned to me, but her face was hard to read. Was she sad I was leaving? I had no idea, because I could see she was torn — torn between playing the part of the excited bride, and the reality of what had just happened in the changing room. But with an audience watching her, there was only one way this was going to go. Her eyes held mine for a fraction of a second, before she regarded herself in the mirror again and cracked one of her most choreographed smiles yet.

“I think you’re right — I think we have a winner.”

“Great,” I said. “I’ll see you soon.”

Nicola’s panicked gaze honed in on me as I walked over and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek.

She closed her eyes and took a sharp intake of breath before stroking my arm. “See you soon,” she said.

I trembled to my core, but still managed to smile at Sophie and walk casually out of the shop. Even though every bone in my body wanted to sprint out of there at 100mph.

***

Holly was sat at her usual table with a few of her workmates when I walked in. The bar was jam-packed as I knew it would be on a Friday night after work, but that was perfect as it took my mind off what had just happened.

“Hey!” Holly got up and pulled me into a hug. “One of my all-time favourite people — let me get you a drink!” She disappeared to the bar and reappeared in record time with a piping hot mulled wine for me. “You okay? You look weird.” Her face was flushed and she was peering at me up close.

I shook my head and smiled. “I’m fine — just been a long day. But this,” I said, holding up the wine, “is just what the doctor ordered.”

Holly grinned. “Just call me Doctor Holly!”

Holly shuffled her work colleagues around the table so I could squeeze in. I knew them all pretty well with Holly being the team leader, and they were a friendly bunch. I was glad of their warmth tonight as this was exactly what I needed — to be cocooned and shielded from the mad world outside these walls. In this pub, with these people, I was safe from Nicola Sheen and everything she represented.

“So how was Ivy the other night?” I asked Holly. “You said it was okay on text, but I want the juicy details. Was she creepy? Stained green?”

She smiled at me, but it was in black and white. “She wasn’t creepy or green. It’s a bit early to tell if we’re going to exchange rings and get married any time soon, but you know, it was an okay first date.”

“Did you kiss?”

Holly went all coy. “A goodnight kiss — nothing major. But we’re going out again tomorrow night, so who knows?” She took a sip of her beer, and looked away briefly. “How about you?”

I shook my head and laughed. “Spanish Vixen was yet another of my disaster dates that I’m thinking about starting a blog about. Perhaps a book too, then a mini-series. I think it’d go down well. A bit like her.”

Holly raised an eyebrow. “What happened this time?”

“Let’s see,” I said, spreading my hands. “She tried to sell me life insurance, and then if I bought it — and only if I bought it — she promised me the best orgasm of my life.”

Holly nearly spat her drink out. “That’s a unique sell,” she laughed.

“It’s only a matter of time before she’s on
The Apprentice
,” I replied, exhaling. After what had just happened in the bridal shop, thinking about Max was light relief.

“You’ve got her number, right?” Holly was smiling her lopsided smile. “Just in case I have a life insurance emergency.”

“On speed dial, of course.”

We both smiled at each other.

“And any more dates in the pipeline?”

I shook my head. “I’m a bit dated out, to tell you the truth.”

Holly frowned. “But you’re on a schedule — you’ve got to get a girlfriend by Christmas.”

I shrugged. “Yeah well, that might have seemed like a good idea initially, but now I’m not so sure. I’m exhausted and not getting anywhere fast, so I might give it a break for a bit. See where life takes me and stop chasing my own tail. I could do with some peace and quiet.”

“This is a change of pace,” Holly replied. “I thought this was do or die, nobody moves until this project is complete?”

“It was, but now I’m a bit over it. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world. I’m cool with it.”

Holly frowned. “Well I’m not okay with that. You’re going to get a girlfriend by Christmas. It’s my personal mission.”

I took another sip of my mulled wine and gave her a look. “Have you been drinking already?”

She giggled slightly. “Only a couple.” Then she put her arm around me and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

The world always felt like a safer, warmer place with Holly’s arm around me and I was glad that with the likes of Nicola, Jenny and Max in the world, it was Holly I came home to, Holly who was always there to talk.

I could rely on Holly in ways I could never dream of with anybody else in my life.

CHAPTER 13

Saturday December 10th

The following afternoon found me lying on the sofa in the lounge, watching our Christmas tree lights blink on and off, listening to the trains rattle by our window. Sometimes, the noise of the trains drove me insane, but at other times, like today, it was soothing and comforting, providing an order to my day. And I needed order today, because yesterday had been studded with disorder.

I’d kissed Nicola Sheen while she was trying on her wedding dress. Or had she kissed me? However it happened, I didn’t come out of it covered in anything resembling glory. But it was a one-off — she was marrying Melanie, so I had to let it go. It was just stupid, pre-wedding jitters. After all, this kind of thing happened with brides and grooms all over the world. It’s what stag and hen parties were created for.

I got up and stood at the window, staring into a train below our window, stuck at a signal. Our flat was close enough that you could see people’s faces, make out the newspaper they were reading. But you never knew what they were thinking, whether they were looking at you, whether or not they could make out the turmoil embedded into my Saturday. To them, I probably just looked like a normal young woman without a care in the world.

My phone beeped and I grabbed it.

It was a text from Nicola. Okay, so yesterday could be slotted neatly into the pile marked ‘pre-wedding nerves’. But today? I didn’t know why she was texting me again today. Okay, not 100 per cent true — I had an inkling, but the omens weren’t good. I clicked to find out.

‘Working today, but wondered if you fancied meeting after work? A quick chat would be good.’

Nicola’s texts were always short, sharp and vague. A meet-up. A quick chat. Only things never went quite according to Nicola’s plans, did they? I knew I should say no, of course I did. We’d kissed yesterday and she was getting married in three weeks.

My plans today had involved going to the gym, then relaxing after my messy week. Nicola hadn’t featured. But then again, I was only going to sit and stew thinking about what had happened, so perhaps meeting up and writing it off would be a good thing? The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. We could talk about it like adults, and put a full stop under it once and for all.

I texted back after I’d made myself a cup of coffee and was sure of my actions. Nicola passed by the flat on her way home, so I gave her my address and told her to stop by after work.

I sat down on the sofa, but couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that was sat right beside me.

***

By the time Nicola knocked on the door an hour late at 8pm, I’d managed to work myself up into something of a frenzy. I’d spent the afternoon punching bags and lifting weights in the gym, but it didn’t seem to have popped my energy bubble much. At 7.30pm, when Nicola still hadn’t shown, I’d decided alcohol was the answer and had poured myself a large gin and tonic. It had taken the edge off my self-infused frazzle, but only the outer corners. The nerve centre was still strapped around my emotions and was ready to explode at any time.

I opened the door to a flustered looking Nicola. “Hi,” she said. “I’m so sorry I’m late — paperwork at the station and a bit of a staff issue. I couldn’t get away.”

My earlier steely resolve melted as she fixed me with her sad eyes and I waved her apology away as if none of it mattered. She was dressed in jeans and a black Fire Dept shirt that accentuated her breasts, and I tried my hardest not to stare for too long. Not quite a full fire uniform, but a hint of one.

“No problem, come in.” I stood aside and breathed in Nicola’s scent as she walked past me. I could still detect what had drawn me to her all those years ago. Promise.

I led her through the hallway and into the lounge. “Can I get you a drink?”

Nicola took in the lounge. “Wow, I’d forgotten how much you like Christmas. It looks like Santa’s grotto in here.”

I smiled. “Only comes round once a year.”

“Does your dad still go crazy for it too?” she asked.

I dropped my eyes to the floor and inhaled. “He did.” I paused. “But he died seven years ago.”

Nicola’s hand covered her mouth. “Shit — I’m so sorry. I know how close you were.” She took a step towards me, but I waved her away.

“You weren’t to know — we’ve been out of each other’s lives for a long time.” I fixed her with my gaze, letting the words sink in. “Drink?”

Nicola licked her lips. “Beer would be great.”

I took one of Holly’s from the fridge, knowing she wouldn’t thank me for that. Holly was a very generous person, but not when it came to Nicola Sheen.

We sat at opposite ends of the sofa and eyed each other cautiously.

Nicola picked at her beer label before speaking. “So, thanks for agreeing to see me.”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I?”

The comment hung in the air above us, lit like a neon sign.

We both knew the answer.

Nicola shrugged. “Because the other day wasn’t your typical dress fitting.” A train rattled by outside the window and Nicola turned to watch. “Very handy for trains here,” she said, still looking out the window. She turned back to me and our eyes met.

I felt a rush between my legs.
Those eyes.

She shifted across the sofa so she was sat next to me to emphasise her point. “I just wanted to set things straight. Yesterday was just… nostalgia. It was a mistake, it was my fault and I didn’t want you to get the wrong end of the stick.” She went to touch my arm, then thought better of it. “It’s just been weird seeing you again after all this time, knowing what I felt about you back then, but never acting. It’s been a little confusing.”

The room swayed around me and I had to put out a hand to steady myself. What she’d felt about me? A small ball of vomit worked its way up my windpipe, but I swallowed it down, wincing.

“What do you mean, how you felt?” I paused. “How did you feel back then?”

Nicola looked up into the air and sighed. Then she gave a wry laugh, before focusing her gaze back on me. “Scared. Confused. Horny. In love.” She said all of those things and never took her eyes off me for a second. “I couldn’t put a name to any of it back then, but looking back, that’s what it was.”

“In love?” I could hardly believe my ears. She’d felt it too. Deep down, I knew she had.

She nodded, and took my hand. “Looking back, yes.”

Her thumb moved slowly across my palm.

I breathed in sharply.

Nicola Sheen had been in love with me, and I had been in love with Nicola Sheen.

It was the sweetest and cruellest blow of them all.

And now it was too late.

I shook my head and gave a rueful smile. “But you ran. You just
ran
.” I reached for her hand.

We both stared at her hand in mine. What might have happened? What might have become of us if we’d taken the path less travelled?

That was then, and back then, Nicola had chosen path B and run like the wind. Cut to today and we were at another junction. Which way were things going to go this time?

Her mouth closing in on mine told me the answer. Within seconds, her hot, firm body was pressing into mine and my pent up energy suddenly had somewhere to go. Then Nicola’s tongue was back inside my mouth, but unlike yesterday’s slow, sensual probing, this time, there was raw urgency about it. This was ten years of emotion and what-ifs pressing into me, asking questions that couldn’t possibly be answered.

My body was responding to everything Nicola was doing — pressing, grinding, wanting. I’d gone into cruise control, my moral compass covered with a blanket, my mind gone fishing. This felt wrong, but oh so right. When Nicola Sheen’s hand worked its way under my top and cupped my breast, I let out a groan of sexual frustration that was raw and unpolished. I was collapsing into her right there.

Encouraged, she undid the button on my trousers and slipped her hand inside.

I stopped breathing.

I couldn’t let this happen — not this way. I wanted to sleep with Nicola Sheen more than she would ever know, but not like this, not a quickie on my sofa. And not when she was engaged to my friend. It was so tempting, but…

Her fingers were
so close
, and it took every ounce of self-control I had to grab her arm and pull away, even though my pelvis betrayed me and pushed forward.

She stopped and opened her eyes.

We froze in time, suspended together.

Another train rattled by outside, and to my left, I saw our Christmas tree lights watching, blinking in disbelief.