[Alaskan Quest 03] - Whispers of Winter (23 page)

“But that was then,” Ashlie began in earnest. “That was when everything was perfectly fine. I went away when things were good and everyone was happy.”

“I know that, but their reasons for sending you to Seattle haven’t changed.” Leah had spoken with Adrik only the day before and knew that he worried about Ashlie remaining at home. He feared that she would relegate herself to being an old maid, watching over her mother’s children and husband, instead of having a family of her own. He didn’t want to force her to leave, but Leah knew his wish was that Ashlie should not give up her life on his behalf.

Ashlie seemed to consider Leah’s words. When she looked up, Leah saw the tears that had formed. “I want to do the right thing for them, Leah. The boys are so sad. They can’t believe Mama is gone. I can’t either, but at least I’m old enough to know that these things happen and that they are a part of life. Christopher worries constantly that our father will die as well. Oliver too. They watch him as if he might disappear before their very eyes. I’m so glad he hasn’t had to work for the railroad since Mama died, because I don’t think the boys could bear it.”

Leah nodded. “I know. But God has provided, Ashlie. And He’s provided for you as well. It will be hard to see you go, but you need to be a young woman with the liberty to seek your own future—not just assume your mother’s role. I admire your willingness to stay more than anything you could have done, but, Ashlie, I want you to have your future. Your very own future. Your father wants it too.” She paused and added, “And, Ashlie, I know your mother would want it.”

“I don’t know what to do.” The words made her sound so lost.

“Ashlie, you just need to sit down and talk with your father. He wants you to be happy, and he’s worried about you giving up your dreams.”

Ashlie began to cry. “But if I go … if I go … what will happen then?”

“Life will go on,” Leah said softly. “It always does. People come and go in our lives; sometimes they stay for a long while and other times they are here just a brief period. The important thing is that we cherish them while we have a chance. I don’t tell you to go without grave consideration to the matter— your father would say the same. It’s a dangerous world; there’s a war going on in Europe, and Americans are a part of the fight. But Myrtle needs you as much as anyone here. Your schooling awaits you. And who knows where it will take you and what interests you might find? Don’t give it up, Ashlie. I’m afraid you’ll always regret it if you do.”

“But being here for my family is the right thing to do,” Ashlie said, seeming to regain some composure. “I’ve always been taught to put my family first. That family is the one thing that lasts.”

“I agree, and if there were no one else to be here for your father and brothers, I would tell you to stay. I promise you, I would.” Leah smiled and gently rubbed the back of Ashlie’s hand. “Your heart is full of good motives. It’s full of love. That doesn’t change just because you make plans to go away.”

“But won’t it be hard on Chris and Oliver? To see me go after losing Mama?”

Leah leaned back and crossed her arms. “It will be hard no matter what. If you stay, it will be hard because you aren’t their mother. They might even resent you for trying to take her place. If you go, they will feel another sense of loss and miss you. Either way, there will be some degree of pain. But, Ashlie, life is full of pain and misery. Sorrow dogs our heels and refuses to let us be. But God has also promised that we can overcome everything in Jesus. Jesus said, ‘In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”’

“I don’t understand that. Of course Jesus overcame. He’s God. What does that have to do with me?”

“You belong to Him. He loves you and He cares what happens to you. Because you have given Him your heart, He lives in you. Therefore, you have also overcome. It doesn’t mean that bad things won’t happen, Ashlie, but it does mean that you have victory before they ever come to roost on your doorstep. You have Jesus. You have only to keep your eyes fixed on Him and let your faith in Him be firmly rooted.

“And, Ashlie, you aren’t to blame for what happened to your mother. No one is. Something went wrong inside her head. You didn’t cause it. Your brothers didn’t cause it.”

“But people sometimes die because they work too hard.”

Leah smiled. “Your mother worked much harder when you were all at home and much younger. I remember because I was here helping for part of that time. Look, you can’t continue to carry this burden, Ashlie. It isn’t yours to carry for one thing, and for another, it will consume you and make you old before your time. Your mother died because it was her time to die. Nothing more. Nothing less. You don’t have the power of life and death in your hands. Only God does.”

For several minutes Ashlie sat in silence. Getting up, Leah decided to check on the twins and give Ashlie some time to consider what she’d said.

“I want to go back to Seattle, but I’m afraid of hurting my father.”

Leah ran her hand against the smooth wood of a chair Adrik had made. “Ashlie, I think it would hurt your father more if you refuse to talk to him and share your heart. Why don’t you just go to him and explain how you feel? Tell him everything you just told me. He’ll understand. I promise.”

“You don’t think it will just make him sadder than he already is?”

“No. I don’t think anything could make him as sad as losing your mother. The worst has happened, and now he’s just trying to put his life back together. Talk to him.”

Ashlie nodded and got to her feet. “I will. I’ll go find him right now.”

The snows let up and the temperature warmed just a bit the next day. The tall spruce and hemlocks were covered with a fresh frosting of white. Their heavy boughs seemed to reach to the ground, as if asking for help to free them from their bonds. Across the landscape the white coating left everything with a clean, pristine feel. It was like a world untouched.

For all of her time in Alaska, Leah had not really encountered a place like this. In Ketchikan the winters had been mild, with more rain than snow, while in Last Chance the winters had been bitterly cold, with some snow and a great deal of fog and wind. It snowed far more here in the Ship Creek area than she’d even experienced in the Yukon. There was probably two feet of snow on the ground already, and she’d been told there was bound to be a whole lot more before winter ended.

Leah looked at the canvas pieces in her hands. She was always sewing these days, it seemed. Not that she minded. Her mother used to say that the sewing basket told the family’s story. Tales of adventures gone awry or of new babies born. Stories of prosperity or poverty played out in the creation of new clothes or the multiple mendings of old ones. The memory made Leah smile.

“I can’t believe the way these babies are growing,” Helaina, said shaking her head at the twins.

Leah looked at the new canvas trousers she had been working on for Wills. He’d grown nearly two inches taller in the past few months and all of it seemed to be in his legs. “I know. I saw it in other people’s children but hadn’t expected it in my own.” She glanced at the clock and put her sewing aside. “I need to go make sure Ashlie is doing all right getting supper on. Could you keep an eye on the children for me?”

“Of course.” Helaina raised her own sewing. “I’m just about finished with this baby gown, but it seems much too tiny.”

“It won’t be.” Leah smiled and pulled on her parka. “You’ll see. I thought the same thing when I was making clothes for the twins.”

“I just want them to be perfect,” she said, studying the piece.

Leah smiled. “I’ll only be a minute. The twins should be asleep for at least another hour.”

“I don’t mind if they wake up. They’re good babies. You’ve been a good mother to them, Leah.”

“I hope so. We all come into parenting without the experience that we so desperately need. I helped Karen with her children, but it’s not the same. I never remember listening through the night to make certain that Ashlie was still breathing, but I constantly fret over the twins.”

Helaina gave a rather awkward laugh. “I haven’t had even the experience you have.”

“Nonsense. You’ve been a great help with Wills and Merry. I don’t know how I would have survived that first year without you. You’ll know what to do—of that I’m certain.”

The walk to Adrik’s house was a short one, but before Leah arrived there she stopped midstep. A strange noise came from behind the house. It sounded muffled, almost like sobbing. She left the path and walked through the snow to a small shed where Adrik kept tools.

Leah approached the shed slowly and saw the crumpled form of Oliver. He was nestled up against several furs, his face buried in his hands.

“Oliver?”

He looked up as if mortified to have been found. “Go away.”

Leah frowned and wondered if she should. Something compelled her to stay, however. “Oliver, you don’t have to be ashamed of crying.”

He buried his face again. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Leah went to where he sat and knelt beside him. Reaching out gently, she touched his head. “Oliver, I want to help.”

“You can’t help,” he said, looking up at her. “My mama is dead. You can’t help that.”

Leah nodded. “I know. I can’t change what’s happened. But you need to know that I miss her too. She was like a mother to me, and it feels like there’s a hole inside where her love used to be.”

Oliver sobered and nodded. “There is a big empty place. It hurts a lot.”

“I know, sweetie. I know.” She opened her arms to him. For a minute Oliver just looked at her, then just when Leah felt he would spurn her, he dove for her, knocking them both over. Leah just held on to Oliver and fell back against the furs.

Oliver cried softly for several minutes while Leah prayed silently.
Please, God, please ease his pain. It’s so hard to know what to do to help him. Please show me
.

Leah tried to imagine what Karen would want her to say to Oliver. How would she word things to help him understand about life and death? Leah drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. Was there ever a good way to talk about something so very painful and sad?

“My mama was a good person, wasn’t she?” Oliver asked, easing away from Leah just a bit.

The question surprised Leah, but she tried not to show it. “Of course she was. She was helpful to everyone and she demonstrated love and kindness all of the time.”

“She loved Jesus too.”

Leah leaned up and smiled. “Yes. Yes, she did.”

“I love Him too, but I feel bad ’cause I wish He hadn’t taken my mama. I feel real bad inside, Leah. I feel mad at God for taking Mama.”

Leah pulled him close and rested back in the furs. “Oh, sweetie, God understands how you feel. He knows it hurts.”

“Will He get mad at me?”

“No, I don’t think so. But, Oliver, He wants to offer you His comfort. He doesn’t want you to be mad at Him. He knows how you feel, and He wants to help.”

Oliver stayed in her arms for several minutes before pushing away. “I’m sorry I acted like a baby. I’m trying not to cry in front of Christopher or Papa. If I cry it will scare Christopher.”

“You don’t have to be strong for everybody else, Oliver. You miss your mother. That’s going to stay with you for a long time. I know. It stayed with me a long time. Sometimes I still miss my mother.”

Oliver wiped his face with the back of his coat sleeve. “I gotta go. Christopher is waiting for me to help him with the dog sled. We’re going to do some errands for Papa.”

Leah got up and smiled at the boy. “You know I love you, Oliver. You’ve always been like a little brother to me. I’ll always be here for you, and you don’t have to be afraid of crying around me. I won’t say a word to anyone, if that helps.”

Oliver nodded. “I just don’t want Papa to worry about it. He’s got enough to worry about right now.”

Leah hugged him, then let him go. How she wished she might take away his pain. She looked to the skies overhead through the canopy of trees that surrounded Adrik’s land. “Lord, this is so hard. My father used to say that life was full of death. I guess I’m seeing that more now than ever before. It’s a hard lesson to learn, much less to know what to do with.”