[Alaskan Quest 02] - Under the Northern Lights (12 page)

Trembling, Leah tried to regroup her thoughts. It was bad enough to feel hatred toward Chase, but worse still to feel such isolation from God. She tried to rationalize that what Chase had done needn’t change her—shouldn’t steal away her peace and faith in God’s goodness—but the more she thought about what had happened, the more she could still feel his hands on her body. And the more she relived what Chase had done, the more she longed to kill the man.

She drew a ragged breath and forced down the lump in her throat.
How can I ever face Jayce again? How can I ever hope for him to
comprehend what this means? He’ll never understand or want me after this.
Chase has been nothing but a thorn in his side since they were young. Now
this has happened
. She shook her head. Jayce could never want her back after this. She would be better off dead.

Chapter Ten

K
aren struggled with her fears for Leah and Jacob. She couldn’t shake the premonition that they were in some kind of danger. She tried to pray about it, but often she felt her prayers reached no higher than the ceiling. Adrik offered comfort and support, but Karen knew it was a burden she would carry until she found out for certain they were safe. Now standing at the Ketchikan dock, preparing to bid her firstborn good-bye, Karen didn’t know if anything would ever feel safe or normal again.

‘‘Mama, you mustn’t worry,’’ Ashlie declared. ‘‘Cousin Myrtle said she would take good care of me.’’

Karen tried to smile. Her elderly cousin had written an enthusiastic letter upon learning that Ashlie had a desire to travel south. Myrtle had pledged to be the best of chaperones, assuring Karen that Ashlie would be properly dressed and arranged in the third pew of the First Seattle Lutheran Church every Sunday. Furthermore, she would pay for the girl to attend a very fine finishing school there in the Seattle area.

Knowing that Myrtle was left a wealthy, but childless, widow, Karen had no doubt that the old woman was lonely and in need of someone to spoil. Ashlie, on the other hand, was a young woman in need of an adventure. The two seemed mismatched, but Karen felt a peace about sending her daughter to the older woman. At least as much peace as a mother could have when parting with her only daughter.

‘‘I know you’ll be fine,’’ Karen said. She reached out to touch an errant wisp of her daughter’s strawberry blond hair. Ashlie had pinned it up in a very adult manner and topped her coiffure with a dainty hat she’d actually made. Karen was impressed with the girl’s skills but knew it wouldn’t matter now if she complimented her on such. Ashlie’s mind and heart were set on the journey to come.

Karen forced a smile. ‘‘I can’t say this is easy. One day you may be a mother, and you will know just how difficult such a separation can be.’’

Ashlie hugged her mother tightly. Karen thought perhaps she did this more for herself than for Karen. ‘‘I know it’s not easy for you, Mama. I’m just grateful you are allowing it.’’ She pulled back and looked into her mother’s eyes. ‘‘I don’t want to appear as though I don’t care about your feelings . . . but I’m just so excited. I feel as though everything good is about to happen to me all at once.’’

Karen nodded and smiled. How could she not be enthusiastic? The child’s excitement was almost contagious. Even her brothers were jostling around the pier in animated wonder.

‘‘Well, as soon as your father returns with the Reverend Mulberry, I suppose you’ll board the ship.’’ Karen looked across the crowd of people to where the southbound
Horatio
was docked. ‘‘You mind your manners and listen to whatever the reverend tells you. I don’t want any bad reports on how you caused him undue worry.’’

‘‘I will be as good as the boys on Christmas morning,’’ Ashlie teased. ‘‘But I still don’t see why the reverend has to travel with me. I’m almost sixteen.’’

‘‘Ashlie, this is not a civilized land. For all of our pretenses at being one, we hardly come close. Of course, from what I remember of so-called civilized lands, they could be far more dangerous than anything you’ve grown up knowing.’’ She hugged Ashlie close again. ‘‘Oh, you will be careful, won’t you?’’

Ashlie laughed. ‘‘Of course I will. Now stop worrying. Remember what you said about worry being a sin? You said it was like saying that God couldn’t do what He had promised. It was like calling God a liar.’’

Karen drew a deep breath and nodded. ‘‘I guess I thought you weren’t listening to such things.’’

Ashlie grasped her mother’s arm. ‘‘I was listening to that and a whole lot more. Please . . . don’t be afraid. I’ll come and see you soon. You’ll see.’’

Karen knew she had to be brave. She squared her shoulders and drew in another deep breath. ‘‘I know you’ll have a wonderful time. Don’t forget to write to me and tell me everything.’’

‘‘Papa’s coming!’’ nine-year-old Christopher declared. ‘‘See! There he is with the reverend.’’

Karen turned to look in the direction her son pointed. Sure enough, there was her bear of a husband towering over the rather petite Reverend Mulberry. They looked almost comical in each other’s company. As they approached, Karen put on her bravest smile. ‘‘Reverend, it’s good to see you. I can’t thank you enough for acting as a traveling companion to our daughter.’’

‘‘It is I who am blessed,’’ the older man said, pushing up wire-rimmed glasses that perpetually rested on the end of his nose. ‘‘How could I refuse such sweet company? Or such a generous donation to bettering my own quarters. I don’t believe I’ve ever had a stateroom to myself. I think it all so fortuitous that I should be traveling home to Illinois just when you needed a companion for your daughter.’’

Karen looked to her husband and back to the reverend. ‘‘God knew exactly what we needed, and it was our pleasure to improve your journey. You are, after all, guarding one of our most precious gifts.’’

He nodded. ‘‘Indeed, Miss Ashlie is a remarkable girl. I’ve no doubt she will excel in her finishing school.’’

‘‘You have the address and money I gave you to hire transportation to Myrtle’s house?’’ Adrik asked Ashlie.

‘‘It’s all right here,’’ Ashlie declared, patting her small purse. ‘‘I shall keep it with me at all times.’’

The final boarding was called for all passengers bound for Seattle. Ashlie looked momentarily panic-stricken, and then the expression was replaced by one of sheer joy. ‘‘It’s time!’’ She threw herself into her father’s arms.

Karen watched the scene play out, feeling almost as though she were watching from a dream. Ashlie tousled Christopher’s hair and then embraced him for just a moment. The boy was clearly embarrassed by the whole thing and squirmed out of her hold. Oliver, suddenly quite somber, allowed the hug and even offered Ashlie the briefest peck on the cheek.

‘‘I’ll miss you both,’’ Ashlie told her brothers before turning back to her mother. ‘‘I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve wanted to do this for so long.’’

Karen smiled and embraced her daughter one final time. ‘‘I know you’re happy, and that pleases me. But I feel as though I’m sending a part of my heart away. Guard it well.’’ She felt tears fall and didn’t try to hide them. She needed Ashlie to understand the importance of this moment.

‘‘I promise I will, Mama,’’ Ashlie whispered against her mother’s ear. She pulled back and saw the tears. Instantly her eyes dampened. ‘‘We’re a fine pair,’’ she said, barely keeping her voice from quivering.

Karen nodded. ‘‘A fine pair indeed.’’

The reverend had moved to the gangplank, where he waited patiently for Ashlie to join him. Adrik prayed for their safe journey, then handed Ashlie’s small bag to her. ‘‘I’ll miss you, my girl. Don’t forget to write to us in Seward, care of the railroad. We leave the day after tomorrow.’’

‘‘I won’t forget.’’

And then she was gone, moving up the gangplank, Reverend Mulberry at her side. They appeared to be chatting comfortably, neither one too concerned about the people they were leaving behind.

Adrik came and put his arm around Karen’s shoulders. She felt comfort at his touch, but her tears would not stop flowing.

‘‘Are you all right, Mama?’’ Christopher asked. He patted her hand as if to help. Oliver came to stand in front of her beside his brother. He simply looked up at her, as if ascertaining her well-being. ‘‘I’ll be all right, boys.’’ She hoped her voice sounded reassuring. She wiped at the tears with her handkerchief, then spied Ashlie and the reverend at the rail. They were waving goodbye along with many other people. Karen waved her handkerchief rather than shouting her good-bye because words would not come.

How can I let her go, just like that? Send her thousands of miles away . . .
Oh, Ashlie . . . please be safe. Please be happy
.

‘‘Your boots are smoking,’’ Chase said, sounding rather startled. ‘‘Do you not see it?’’

Leah looked at the mukluks and realized her fate. Sitting beside the fire, she’d not even noticed that her mukluks were being singed by the flames. She pulled her feet back and powdered them with snow. Bitterness corrupted her thinking. She was making mistakes at a time when she couldn’t afford to make them. She could feel Chase watch her; still, she did her best to ignore him— to pretend he simply didn’t exist.

‘‘How is Mrs. Beecham today?’’ Chase asked.

Leah said nothing. Helaina was still quite ill, and Chase already knew it. He was simply trying to engage her in conversation. Leah felt certain he regretted what he’d done to her. But he could never regret it as much as she did.

Leah stared at the fire, her shoulders hunched, her face kept down. As Chase squatted down beside her, she cringed inwardly but held her ground.

‘‘Look,’’ he began. ‘‘I don’t know what to say. I can’t change what happened. I . . . well . . .’’ His voice faded as he seemed to consider what to say. ‘‘I didn’t intend for it to happen. Not really. I know I’ve acted inappropriately since we first met, but . . . well . . . you must understand, what happened wasn’t a reflection on you at all.’’

Leah’s head snapped up. This was nothing like the man who’d tormented her since forcing her from Last Chance. She looked at him in disbelief. ‘‘You sound as though you’re offering conversation over tea and cakes. As though the offense was something as simple as a stolen kiss. You didn’t intend for it to happen . . . it isn’t a reflection on me. Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Is that supposed to make it right?’’

Chase shook his head. He no longer looked as much like her husband as he had when she’d first met him. Worry, fear, even exhaustion marred his features, and the beard he’d grown on the trail also altered his face. He seemed to hold less power over her now. . . . It was almost as if he’d done the worst to her that he could, so what was left to fear? Death would have been a kindness, as far as Leah was concerned.

‘‘I know it can’t make things right,’’ Chase said, getting to his feet. He paced out a space on the opposite side of the fire. ‘‘I don’t know why I did what I did. I wanted to hurt you . . . but not really even you. I wanted to hurt him.’’ He looked at her hard. ‘‘I wanted to hurt Jayce.’’

‘‘I don’t care,’’ Leah said evenly. She had never intended to get into a conversation with this hideous creature. She looked down at the fire again.

‘‘You should. The hate between us will probably kill us both.’’

She shook her head, still not looking at him. ‘‘The hate has already killed you. You aren’t a human being anymore. You’re an animal. You kill and maim at will. You are like a rabid dog gone mad and you need to be eliminated.’’

‘‘So the good Christian now wishes me dead?’’

This caused an anger in Leah that she had not expected. Leaping to her feet, she jumped the fire to claw at his arrogant face. ‘‘You have no right,’’ she said, flailing as he fought to control her. ‘‘You lost your right to compassion and kindness when you took from me what you had no right to take.’’

‘‘But that’s what I’m trying to say.’’ He pushed her back, almost pained at the contact of even touching her. ‘‘I took from Jayce. Not from you.’’

Leah saw the emotion in his eyes but didn’t care. She balled her hands into fists. ‘‘I am Jayce and he is me. When you harm one of us, the other bleeds. You are a fool. You have no idea what you have done. The war between you and your brother has only grown more intense . . . more destructive. Jayce will never let you live now. Not that I care. I only hope your actions don’t get Jayce hurt in the process.’’

She could hardly believe her own venomous words. There was nothing of the love of Jesus in her heart at that moment. Her anger and wounded spirit refused to be calmed by the comfort she knew could be hers.

Chase seemed genuinely stunned by her reaction. Perhaps he had thought to merely apologize and seek her forgiveness. Maybe he believed her a simpleton because of her religious beliefs. Whatever his reasoning, there could be no doubting her thoughts now.

Chase straightened. ‘‘I can’t undo what’s happened. What’s done is done.’’

His matter-of-fact words served only to further irritate Leah. ‘‘Oh, it’s not done, Mr. Kincaid. Not by a long shot. Jayce will come for you. He will come because of Helaina and because of me. And when he finds out what you have done to us . . . he will even the score.’’

She turned and walked away, going to the tent where Helaina slept. Leah was certain the woman was dying. There simply wasn’t proper medicine to treat her sickness. Leah crouched down and crawled inside the tent. It was surprisingly warm. Leah had lit a pot of seal oil for light and heat, and the results were quite satisfactory. Reaching out, Leah touched Helaina’s forehead and felt that the fever still raged. If she couldn’t find a way to ease the temperature, Helaina would no doubt die.

Leah shook her head. If only Helaina would have done what she was supposed to do. If only the woman would have been obedient to her brother.

‘‘This is all your fault,’’ Leah said, shaking her head. ‘‘I hate you as much as I hate him. I don’t care whether you live or die. You’ve brought this on yourself.’’

Leah regretted the words the minute they were out of her mouth. But perhaps more than that, she regretted the ugly hate that festered, out of control, in her heart. There seemed no way to overcome it. She was a prisoner to those feelings, as much as she was a captive of Chase Kincaid.