Aidan (9 page)

“Yeah, she is.” I smile. “She made me take the oxygen mask off. At one point, there was even some profanity,” I joke, trying to lighten the mood.

He looks somewhat calmer now that I feel like I’m sending a lamb to the slaughter. We’ve both harbored hope that she’d have some miracle recovery, but I know now.
That
isn’t going to happen. She’s leaving us, and it’s going to happen soon. It’s not my place to tell him that, though.
He’ll know soon enough
. My mother is saying her goodbyes, and he’s almost certainly next in line to receive his. I have a feeling his strength will be tested, and his walls will crumble. At some point, losing a loved one must be faced, and there is no way for anyone to make that better. You can only hope that somewhere down the line you’ll be able to pick up the pieces left behind and face the day without giving in to the sorrow within.
Somehow, you learn to live with the hole in your heart created by their death.
Somehow.

I
sit
in the back pew of the church while the pastor delivers the eulogy for Ginny Spencer. I fought a battle with myself when Uncle Lee told me about Aidan’s mom passing away. But in the end, I was almost obsessed with attending her funeral. Why, I don’t know. Aidan isn’t even aware I’m here. I sent flowers, but the odds of him actually knowing that with the amount of them decorating the church is small.

The room is so crowded that I’ve been able to do little but make out the back of his head. Lucian, followed by other friends and family, has given his speech. Neither Aidan nor his father spoke, which is understandable. I’m sure they’re barely holding it together. I know from the times he talked about his parents that they were extremely close, and he is an only child.

When the moment arrives for the family to leave the church for the graveside service, I brace to see Aidan make his exit. Instead, he walks to the coffin and takes up a position on the side, as does his father. Then Lucian takes the lead, along with Max Denton and a couple of other men I don’t recognize. As the casket makes its way through the church and up the aisle, I watch the man who has come to mean so much to me. His face is noticeably thinner, and his eyes are red rimmed and glassy. He’s cut his hair, which only seems to emphasize the paleness of his features.

I am so busy drinking in every detail of him that when I reach his eyes once again, I’m startled to see him staring back at me. His face floods with recognition and for a brief moment, time stands still, and there is only the two of us. My lips part and my insides quiver. God, I’ve missed him so much it hurts. “
Aidan.”
His name is a whisper on my lips, and I know he sees it. Then almost in the blink of an eye, it’s over, and he’s passing the bench where I’m sitting. I feel boneless as I slump back against the bench. If that had been a test to see if my heart had let him go, I’d just failed. Just seeing him again literally makes my heart hurt. He is clearly in so much pain, and I want nothing more than to put my arms around him and soothe the hurt.

My mother and father are out of town on a long overdue holiday, but Uncle Lee is sitting several rows ahead of me. I’m sure he’ll be surprised to see me here since he doesn’t know about my association with Aidan. I get to my feet when everyone else does, prepared to go to my car and skip the graveside service. I’ve made it a few steps when I feel a hand on my arm. Whirling around in surprise, I see Lia standing there with a smile on her face. “Kara, I thought that was you. Lee didn’t tell me you were home.”

I give her a hug, genuinely happy to see her. Thanks to my cancer and recovery, I have spent very little time with the newest addition to the Jacks family, which is something I regret. I know she had a tough life growing up with an abusive mother and stepfather. My uncle was crushed when he found out he had a daughter in her twenties he’d never known about. He stepped up immediately and has built a strong relationship with her. Truthfully, I’ve never seen him happier. “I just got home yesterday, so I don’t think he even knows. Where’s Lara?” I ask, looking around for Lia’s fourteen-month-old daughter. A wave of guilt hits me as I realize I barely know her either. My cancer was so much more than an illness. It took away my interest in life and everyone in it. I’m so tired of being that person. I never understood how it was to be in a room full of people yet feel so completely alone as I do right now. Even as I smile and make polite conversation with her, a big part of me is removed from what’s going on. I’m on autopilot as usual, and I fucking hate it. I want to be myself again. This robot I’ve let myself become isn’t me.

“She’s with our nanny. I didn’t want her to be a disruption during the service today, and she’s not very good at staying still or quiet for long. Hey, do you want to ride to the other service with me? Luc’s going to be in the family car with Aidan.” It’s on the tip of my tongue to refuse, but minutes later, I’m sitting next to a cousin I barely know.
How I yearn for that to change. I want Lia in my life.

It’s just a few miles to the cemetery, and all too soon, I’m on Lia’s other side while she stands next to Aidan. His head is down as the pastor speaks, and I see his shoulders shake. Luc is standing between who I assume is Aidan’s father and Aidan trying to comfort them as best he can. I have no idea how it happens, but when I hear a sob escape from his lips, I move, almost as if unaware of what I’m doing. I care deeply for this man, and he’s hurting. I give no thought to the fact that he may not even want me here. The bond formed between us in those weeks we had together simply will not let me turn away from his pain. I nudge Lia aside and touch his hand. He looks down at me, and I see such staggering anguish there, I slide my arm around him and lay my head on his shoulder. He stiffens for a moment and then collapses against me. His head drops to the top of mine, and we’re clinging to each other. I’ve no doubt that we’ve drawn attention, especially from our immediate group of friends and family, but I could give a shit. He needs me now, and that’s all that matters.

I barely recall meeting Aidan’s parents at Luc’s wedding, but I’m crying for the loss of a woman so obviously loved.
I’m crying for the loss this man beside me is enduring. Life simply isn’t fair sometimes.
As the service ends, he takes a couple of deep breaths as he fights to get himself under control.
Why should he? He’s just lost his mom, so why should he have to be under control? He should be allowed to grieve, to sob in his loss.
I rub my hand soothingly up and down his back, and his grip on me tightens for a moment before relaxing. He’s gathered his composure now, and he gently pulls away from my embrace. When my arms fall to my side, he reaches down and takes one of my hands in his. No words pass between us, which should be strange but somehow isn’t. He shakes hands with what seems like hundreds of people as he accepts their words of condolence. Luc says something to him about going back to the house for a gathering, but Aidan shakes his head. He turns to Lia who is still next to me and asks, “Did you drive here?” When she nods, he asks, “Can I borrow your car? I need to get away for a while.”

“Of course, I’ll go with Luc,” she says softly as she hands him her keys. I think he’ll let me go at this point, but he keeps a firm hold as he stops to whisper something to his father, and then we’re walking away from the remaining crowd and toward the parking lot.

He flips a button to unlock the car and then opens the passenger door for me. I look up at him, but his expression is blank and impassive. The emotion from earlier is gone, and I can almost believe I imagined it except for the redness remaining around his beautiful eyes. I stand for a moment uncertain of what I’m doing here until he crushes all of my indecision with a few quietly spoken words. “I need you, princess.” That’s it. I’m done for. I settle into the leather seat, and he shuts the door behind me. He walks around the front of the car and gets in the driver’s side.

“Where are we going?” I ask when it’s obvious he doesn’t intend to fill the silence.

He shrugs. “To my place. Everyone is going back to my parents’—my dad’s house—and I just need some distance for now.”

I reach over and put my hand on his arm. “I’m so sorry about your mom.” It seems pointless to add any false sentiment since I didn’t know her. I also have a feeling he’s heard as much of that as he can handle for the day.

He nods his head once to acknowledge my words before saying, “I was so damn surprised to see you in the church. How long have you been back?”

I think about lying, not sure how it’ll sound if I admit that I only came back to be here for him.
Screw it.
“I got in last night. Uncle Lee told me about your mom, and I wanted to come today.”

He shocks me when he admits, “I’ve missed you, princess. I came back home to one of my worst nightmares, and it’s pretty damned ironic when I thought I’d already lived through that. Some days when Mom was sleeping, and I had a minute to myself, I thought about you. Wondered if you were still at the beach or if you’d moved on to somewhere else. I wanted to call just to hear your voice, but I didn’t think you’d answer your phone.”

I swallow the lump in my throat because he’s undoubtedly right. Even though I ached to be with him again, I’d spent weeks after he left trying to convince myself it could never happen. Hell, I shouldn’t be here now. The last thing he needs after losing his mother is comfort from a woman who is barely holding it together most days.
What could I offer him?
I knew he’d been through hell; it was there on his face. At the very least, I was high risk and always would be. And I felt like an imposter sitting beside him as if I had more to offer than I did.

Soon, we are pulling into the underground parking garage below some upscale condominiums. He parks in a spot near the elevator and gets out. Before I can find the door handle, he has it open and a hand on my arm to help me out. He closes the door and puts a hand on the small of my back, directing me forward to the elevator. Once inside, he presses the button for the tenth floor and settles back against the dark paneling of the compartment. The quiet is becoming unnerving, but I don’t attempt to break it. Naturally, he isn’t in the mood for chitchat after the day he’s had.

We walk to the end of the hallway, and I see a door hidden away in a small alcove. He removes a key from his pocket, opens it, and then motions me forward. His home is modern with neutral colors, but the overstuffed furniture looks surprisingly worn and comfortable. This isn’t just a show place. Aidan lives and relaxes here. It also makes me wonder how many women he’s brought here, but I tamp down the jealousy that streaks through me. We’re not in a relationship, and I have no right to feel territorial. He tosses his keys and wallet on the granite bar area of the kitchen before walking over to a bar and picking up a bottle. He raises it in the air and says, “No need to dirty a glass. Want to join me, princess?”

“Whatever you need,” I say softly, expecting him to take it to the sofa. Instead, he lowers himself to the floor and puts his back against the wall before unscrewing the cap and taking a long drink. His eyes are on me as if waiting to see what I’ll do. Finally, I kick off my high heels and cross to him. I kneel down, take the bottle from his hands, and put it to my lips. The first sip burns like fire down my throat, and I wheeze, wondering what in the hell he’s drinking. He thumps me on the back as he chuckles. Then he pulls me down next to him, and we pass the bottle back and forth. It isn’t long before my head is spinning and we’re both giggling over absolutely nothing. Then something changes; I look over and ache at the tears I see running down his face. His laughter has turned to sobbing as the alcohol breaks his control. I crawl unsteadily over to him and get in his lap, wrapping my legs around him. I take his head in my hands kissing the trail of wetness streaking his cheeks.

I have no idea how long we stay that way. At some point, I put my arms around his shoulders, and we lay our heads side by side. “Kara.” He sighs against me as a giant shudder wracks his body.

“I’m here, baby,” I whisper, turning to kiss his neck. Then as if in slow motion, our clothes are off. How we manage that, I can’t say, but he’s pulling me back over his lap and impaling me on his hard cock. He’s not wearing a condom, and I can feel the difference immediately, but I let it go. I’m on birth control, and we had the discussion at one point about recent STD testing. I know Aidan would never lie to me about that. Our mating begins at a frantic pace but soon slows to a leisurely fucking that threatens to overwhelm my heart and body. Our lips cling to each other as our tongues glide wetly together.
I’ve missed this. Him.
He’s devouring me as if starved for my taste, and I’m right there with him. Our hands are moving, constantly touching and rediscovering. With each stroke of his fingertips, he leaves liquid fire behind.

“You. Feel. So. Fucking. Good.” Somehow, the pause between each word makes his statement that much hotter. “I want everything you’ve got, princess. I’m going to own you, body and soul.” He thrusts his hips upward, pushing his cock to brush against my cervix. I wince at the brief stab of discomfort before the pleasure comes flooding back. Aidan Spencer has a big cock, and God, does he know how to work it. He pulls back slightly and lowers his hand between us, finding my clit easily. He rubs it firmly, and I see stars. I cry out in protest when his fingers move away to cover my pussy. “I own this, do you hear me? It’s fucking
mine.”
I nod my head because I would pretty much agree to anything at this moment with my orgasm so very close to the surface. He clucks his tongue before demanding, “Say the words, princess.” He’s stopped moving, and his cock is at a standstill buried deep inside me.

“What do you want?” I cry out. I attempt to move my hips and gain the friction I need, but one hand locks me in place. “Aidan . . .” I whimper, trying to figure out why he’s denying us both.

“Say you’re mine,” he hisses as I fidget against him. “Give me the words. I just—need them today.”

Even though alarm bells are going off in my head and I know it’s wrong to pretend this is anything other than sex, I do as he asks. Hell, I’m not really lying. At this moment, I’ve never belonged to another man as much as I do him. So I give him what he wants. Lowering my mouth to his ear, I whisper, “I’m yours. I don’t want anyone but you.” He throws his head back, groaning my name, and then he’s fucking me hard. I can only grab his shoulders and hold on as he lifts me almost completely off his cock before slamming me back down. “Aidan! Oh, my God!” I’m screaming his name over and over as I come. My orgasm seems to have no end as I continue to spasm around his still-pumping cock. I’d have long since fallen over if not for his firm grip on me. I’ve no doubt I’ll be bruised and sore from this rough possession, but Aidan isn’t getting away without being marked either. My nails have scored gashes on his back and arms, and I’ve bitten his shoulders and neck countless times as if trying to consume him.