Ahab's Wife (30 page)

H
OW DO YOU
become a trumpet? Heart and throat open in blaring. Their heads—the heads of the men on deck—unbent innocently from the ordinary, for no one but me had screamed Giles down the sky. While they polished the capstan or trimmed the wick of the binnacle lamp or while a man lowered his eyes to whittle a new belaying pin—that was when the catastrophic superimposed itself on the ordinary: a conundrum that soldiers and sailors knew well. All those tasks and more were abandoned, and a line of men crowded up to the taffrail beside me. We saw only the heaving sea, the small whitecaps where water built and broke. And my pointing, my shrieks, the chattering of my teeth.

A boat was lowered:
Albatross
turned into the wind to wait. Though the sailors rowed the small boat all around the spot where I had seen Giles enter the sea, a place I had watched with unbending eye from that moment, Giles never surfaced, nor any article of his clothing. The glassy green water lifted only itself, and fell, and rose again. The small boat rode the rise and fall of the green swells. Sometimes they rowed, and bits of foam, little necklaces, floated and dissipated.

If only the boat would not return—we could wait for eternity. Let him not be irrevocably gone! My heart beat with the strokes of their oars. I willed my heart to stop, but the boat came closer to the ship. Wood against wood. Returned. Six men with arms and legs and moving life. Not even the husk of Giles, not even a sodden, lifeless, drooping form.

Sallie stood with me at the rail, guided me to her cabin, sat beside
me on her bed, wept for me. I could find no tears. I stared. I felt her braided rug under the sole of my shoe.

Had his body finished its descent to the floor of the ocean, or would it slowly sink for hours, wafted by the currents? Was a marlin passing, parting the water with his spear? Did the water grow dim and cold as he sank deeper? Did some giant squid with undulating arms wait at the bottom, opening its beak?

Surely Giles died at the moment of hitting the water, hard as iron. Death quick as the smack of a hand. No harder. He
felt
nothing harder than that. Had he been afraid as he rushed toward the water? When his foot missed the spar and stepped on air, did he think,
It's just as well
?

I imagined a slight smile.

Was it falling or letting go? Or some of both?

 

I
FOUND
K
IT
sleeping in the forecastle, his cheek pressed into the netting. I shook his shoulder. He gazed at me without acknowledging the oddity of my presence, but his hand reached over the edge of his hammock, and he gently put his finger in my curls and then brushed the weave of Sallie's piqué collar with his fingertips.

“Giles is dead.”

“What?”

“He fell from the topgallant sail into the water.”

“I don't believe you.”

“Giles is dead, Kit.”

“You and he have made it up to test me.”

“No.”

Then I sat down on the floor beside him, to wait. Giles would have wanted my undivided love to go to Kit.
Console
. That was my pure injunction.

He lay slung in the hammock, staring up. After many minutes the tears began to seep from the corners of his eyes. I knew he knew, and I began to sob. Even the linings of my mouth wept and filled it with water.

Then Kit got up from his hammock and sat on the floor beside me. He put his arm across my shoulder and drew my face against his bony
chest. “Poor Una.” He, too, had consolation to offer, but I felt numb as stone.

The ship rocked us, sometimes my weight bearing toward Kit, sometimes his body leaning into mine. Only my skin was alive. I was a rock covered with a tissue of flesh.

Kit put his hand under my skirt and touched my thigh through the cloth of my drawers. When he said, “May I?” I said “Yes,” and unloosed the drawstring and lifted my skirt so that we might be more together.

W
HEN
I
SAW
S
ALLIE
, I told her that my menses had commenced again and asked if I might have some rags of her.

Her face cleared a moment at this “news” of returning health, for my body had been so dried out, so starved and tried by many weeks in the open boat, that the womanly functions had ceased. Sallie spoke sympathetically. “Your friend gone, and this, too. I'll get you a clean dress.”

I would have spent the night in Kit's embrace and in my embrace of him, but he and I both had known that soon other sailors would come to the forecastle, and we must not be found upon the floor. My shoulders remembered the hardness of the boards. There had been gladness and pain, purging pain, and desperate comfort in joining with a man whose heart knew my heart's sorrow.

“My mother,” Sallie went on, “often told me that some great shock in life could either start or stop the monthlies.”

She handed me a navy-blue skirt and waist, and I thought ironically of how bravely and naively I had left my childhood Island in just such a frock. After she poured fresh water in the china bowl, Sallie hugged me again and kindly left me to bathe in private.

I was scarcely changed—some dried blood on my legs. The loss of the label “Virgin” signified nothing compared to the real loss of Giles.
Signified joining—that neither Kit nor I was alone. The world was utterly changed.

When she returned, she said that her husband would read scripture on deck as a funeral service for the soul of Giles, but we were under sail again, headed for the Azores, and would not stop. The crew, or many of them, would assemble for the brief memorial. As soon as I felt I could come, I was to appear on the quarterdeck.

Wearing a dress saber, Captain Swain placed a black Bible on the gleaming head of the capstan and proceeded to read from the Twenty third Psalm. Only the phrase “He maketh me to lie down beside the still waters” reached my brain, as I regarded, beside the brim of the captain's hat, the incessant dancing of the waves.

After he had finished his reading, without any thought or decision, I said the poem of Wordsworth that begins “I wandered lonely as a cloud…/A host, of golden daffodils; / Beside the lake, beneath the trees…And then my heart with pleasure fills, / And dances with the daffodils.” But my heart was a still lake of sorrow.

Kit abruptly said, “We went through a lot together. There were some happy times.” Then his face became angry, and he added, “He was a great man, greatly flawed.”

Here Sallie came to put her hand, restrainingly, on Kit's shoulder.
Great man?
There was a lie in Kit's statement. Were we not
boys and a girl
? Sallie's white fingers, curling around Kit's shoulder, gleamed as innocently as seashells. There was a spark of iridescence on her hand—an opal ring. I thought of Frannie innocently tipping the basket of shells, their inner surfaces, some of them, splashed with iridescence, for Kit to see as they sat before the hearth that night of first acquaintance.

Kit brushed away Sallie's hand and squeezed shut his eyes and proclaimed, “He would never have fulfilled the potential of his youth.”

It was a stunningly inappropriate statement, but I accepted it as quickly as I used to accept Giles's own quiet outrageousness. Quickly the captain loudly began, “Our Father, who art in Heaven…” and the crew mumbled loudly along, but Kit growled obscenities.

I would not listen to what Kit was saying. I had given Kit my body. I smoothed the skirt of my dress with my hand.
Our Father
. I thought of Captain Fry standing hatless in the prow of the boat, his sweat-wet
hair adhering to his forehead, and then, as though it were a mere envelope, opening the flesh of his neck, penetrating the jugular with the tip of his sword. Offering himself—
my body and blood
—in the hope that his son might live. I would have given mine for Giles's life.

H
ADN
'
T OUR PACT
been to stay alive for each other?

I would not have died for the man with the pointed shoes or his mates.

There was no sleep that night. I lay on my back and fought down the memories of the whaleboat. Legs, trousers, swollen hands—not their faces; I would not envisage faces—yellow trousers, a ripped sleeve lay strewn among the seat struts of the whaleboat. Exhausted, recumbent, the crew sprawled. Intact. We had hoped for rescue.

Their faces were wiped of features, as though I had been blinded by brightness again. Kit, Kit! If only I had Kit to hold me.

 

T
HE NEXT MORNING
Sallie brought me a fried piece of marlin, a slice of toast, and an orange that she had been saving for herself. She watched me eat, and I tried to do so with some show of pleasure, for I wished her troubled countenance to brighten at some small enjoyment, directly or vicariously experienced, as was her habit. She collected the orange peels, nesting the fragments one inside the other, and said that they would be ground up to flavor a sauce for another dish. Then I thought of poor Harry and his endless economy.

“I knew a cook who saved eggshells,” I said. And then it struck me that these were the only words ever said in eulogy of Harry.

Sallie did not reply to this, though usually she was full of pert and prompting questions. After I had finished, she said that during the night Kit had begun to rave and rage so loudly that no one else could sleep,
and that they had taken him up and chained him to the foremast.
No! We should have been together
.

In a blink, I rushed to Kit and found the steward pouring water over him. My Kit was chained, by a wrist. His eyes were glazed and unblinking. I saw that his body was brownly smeared.

“He befouled himself,” the boy said, embarrassed. “I be helping him to wash.”

In fact, he was washing Kit by himself, as Kit sat cross-legged on the deck, stripped to the waist, one hand chained up and the other lying idly in his lap. Terror swept through me. I shook his wet shoulder and called his name, but Kit continued to stare.

Finally he said, “We've eaten everything else. Why not? That's what Giles said.”

“No, he didn't say that,” I said.

“Yes, he did. You didn't hear, Una.”

“Stop it,” I said. I could feel hysteria rising in my voice. “Stop this!”

“Una. Come closer. I want to whisper to you.”

I leaned over to listen. The wash boy retreated.

“Bake me a pie, Una, and in the pie, hide a rasp. A file. Bring me the pie at dusk when they can't see well. I'll saw free—very quietly—in the night.”

“Una!” It was Sallie calling me. “Una, come away now. Let the men take care of him.”

I looked at the brownish puddle on the deck, a foul-smelling and shallow sea. What tiny, invisible creatures swam there? A degraded universe.

 

A
S THE DAYS
passed, Kit's dementia deepened, and he imagined me to be his mad mother. “Let's bake bread,” he would say. He spoke of seasonings, of raisins and cinnamon and cardamom, as though they were magical in their powers. He spoke of eyes as witching stones and said that mine were lapis and his were agate. He said the wind smelled of blood. He tried to unfasten his trousers.

My grief for Giles became displaced by anxiety for Kit.

Sometimes he was quiet, and then he was allowed to walk about if
I or another accompanied him. One day, he ran for the rigging and tried to climb up, to look for Giles. After that he was chained, and again there was talk of pies and rasps when I visited him. Once he asked Sallie where was his wife?

I had a cold dread that he would point an accusing finger at me and tell that we had coupled or how we had survived. But so many of his words were wild and whirling that I doubted his stories would be taken as anything but madness. Yet I dreaded to hear those true words uttered in the open air. I dreaded to have to pretend that the idea was shocking.

I would have sat with Kit all the live-long day, and night, too, in spite of this dread, but Sallie and her Captain Swain firmly asked me not to do this. Sometimes in the night I fancied I heard him shrieking
Una, Una, Una
and the jerking of a short chain. There were no potions or herbs for treating madness aboard the
Albatross
. “We can only try to keep his body safe,” Sallie said. His mind sank, like the wrecked
Sussex,
beneath waves of melancholy and dementia.

Now it was my time again to stand at the rail and look to sea. With the sun warming me, I strove to concentrate its goodness in my person. Often I felt I gathered strength and resolve till I was brimming with it. Then I went to see Kit, to try through sheer dint of cheerfulness to plant him with the seed of a happy thought.

Once he was standing manacled to the foremast with his hat off, staring at the sea. When I came nigh, I could not cause him to look at me.

“We will resurrect him,” Kit said.

“It can't be done.” I answered as judiciously as though he had said that we would merely climb a mountain.

“Under the right conditions,” Kit spoke intensely, “anything is possible. Giles called it the Theory of the Impossibility of Impossibility.” Kit did not look at me, but he put his hand on my shoulder. “I want us to marry.”

Was I as mad as he? I simply said
yes
.

For a moment, it seemed everything stopped.

 

I
TOLD
K
IT
not to stare so at the water, that the glare would hurt his eyes. I glanced up. Clouds moved again. Slowly Kit lifted his eyes to the sky.

“It's a contest,” he said. “I'm going to make it stop.”

“What?” Hadn't our lives already stopped? And started again?

“I will make the sun stand still.” He spoke and stared with riveted gaze at the sun. “Then Giles will rise from the water.”

And so he stood all day while the sun passed over his head and down the sky into the western waters.

I was not mad, yet Kit's madness seemed woven into me. His steadfastness, his devotion, sang through his pain of our great loss. How could I ease Kit's pain? My own I could scarcely face.