Agent of the Crown (31 page)

Ben’s face rose up in memory, still and
expressionless and without a trace of the love she hadn’t realized
was in his eyes every time he looked at her. It tore at her heart,
and she closed her lips on the keening cry that tried to escape
them. “No,” she said, “I think I need to go,” and pushed through
the crowd and into the cold, dark night.

She stopped outside the tavern, not knowing
where to go. If Ben had decided to go after Morgan anyway, she
would never find him in the dark. She looked south and saw a light
go on in the house by the forge.

Relief filling her, she ran, tripping and
catching herself and running again, until she reached Ben’s back
door. She waited for her breathing to slow, then knocked. It was a
perfectly ordinary, polite sound that had nothing of her tumultuous
feelings in it, and she almost wanted to laugh at how absurd it
sounded. She waited. Nothing happened.

Telaine knocked again.
He can’t hear
me
, she thought, but that was ridiculous, his house wasn’t that
big, and even if he had retreated upstairs he would be able to hear
the knock. But there was still no answer. Her breath was coming
more rapidly again, steaming in the cold night air, and she tried
to calm herself. This was ridiculous. If they could just talk to
each other—!

She pounded hard on the door with her fist.
The light went out, leaving the house in darkness. It was like a
punch to the stomach. So he didn’t love her anymore. Didn’t love
her, just as she realized how much she loved him.

She’d assumed their relationship was—not
casual, of course, they cared about each other, but she’d thought
it hadn’t gone any further than that. It was obvious, now, that he
loved her, and she hadn’t seen it because—why? Because she was too
stupid to know her own heart, or to recognize love when it was
handed to her. He’d told her he would always come after her. He’d
showed her how he felt in a million little ways, every single day.
And Eleanor had even warned her he was the kind of man who gave his
whole heart. She just hadn’t been paying attention. As usual.

Telaine leaned her head against the door. A
proud man, Jack had called him. She’d humiliated him, and in
public. He wouldn’t get over that in a hurry. He might not get over
it at all. It had been an emotional day, but even the shock of
figuring out the Baron’s plan and the terror of Morgan’s assault
couldn’t top the misery she felt right now.

She was cold, and her heart ached, and she
wished there were some kind of inherent magic that would let you
wind back time, make different choices. That moment in the tavern
was playing out in an endless loop in her head,
I don’t need
your help
and then Ben’s white, emotionless face, until she
wanted to run away screaming—but, then, where could she run to get
away from herself? She wished she could blame the Princess for
destroying everything, but no, this was entirely the fault of that
idiot Telaine North Hunter.

Light bloomed, streamed through the window,
and she straightened in time to avoid falling through Ben’s back
door as he opened it. The house was two steps up from the forge
floor, so Telaine had to look up at him where he stood. He didn’t
look angry, or upset, just cast that level, unsmiling gaze on her
and said nothing.

She gaped at him, said, “Ben,” then realized
she didn’t have a plan for what she would say to him when she found
him. She groped about for words, feeling a rising panic, and
started babbling.

“I’m not good at letting other people help
me. I wanted to protect you and I forgot you might want to protect
me because I’m not used to being protected, and I think that means
we should try to protect each other. I know it’s stupid, but I
didn’t know you love me, and maybe that’s the wrong thing to say
because you might think I don’t love you, because if I did I would
have known how you felt. But I do love you. I just didn’t know
until it was too late.”

The words rattled off into the distance,
leaving her feeling empty and uncertain as to what she’d said. He
looked at her with no change in his expression. “Happen we should
have this conversation inside,” he said, and held the door open for
her.

She waited until he sat on the sofa, his
elbows on his knees and his hands clasped together, to take the
rocking chair opposite. Having said her piece at the door, she
didn’t know what else to say, or do. Ben’s jaw was clenched, and he
looked as if he might never speak again, which meant it was
probably still her turn to talk. She opened her mouth, then closed
it, afraid she might start babbling again. She wanted so badly to
ease the pain she’d caused him.

“I don’t know how it is I understand Morgan
so well,” she said, deciding on total honesty and openness. She
probably should have told him this long before. “I look at him and
I know what he’s thinking, or what he’s going to do next. It’s
frightening and it makes me sick to my stomach. But that’s how I
know what will happen if you meet him. He will know what you mean
to me and he will kill you to torture me. So I lied when I said I
was trying to protect you. I was trying to protect myself.”

Ben looked up when she began speaking and
kept his eyes on her the whole time. She couldn’t read his
expression. He was going to make her work to get a reaction. It was
nice to know he had some flaws, and that stubbornness was one of
them.
Maybe he and Aunt Weaver should hold a stubbornness
contest,
she thought wildly, and had to choke back a
semi-hysterical laugh.

Her hands were shaking again from the
emotions she was trying to keep in check. She took a calming breath
that was almost completely ineffective and said, “After you left,
everyone told me I was stupid because I didn’t know you loved me. I
was
stupid. You were never anything but clear about it, and
I just didn’t understand. I didn’t understand even when a lot of
other people hinted about it to me. I think it’s because I got to
be twenty-three without knowing what love was like, or even what it
felt like to be attracted to someone. I was too busy with my work
to let anyone get that close, I think. But it’s no excuse for how
oblivious I was. I’m sorry.”

Ben shifted his weight, but said nothing.
Telaine clenched her hands together. “I don’t know what else I need
to say,” she said. She thought back and listed everything aloud.
“I’m sorry I said I didn’t need you because that was both cruel and
a lie. I’m sorry I said it in public, which made things worse. I’m
sorry I didn’t listen to you about Morgan—you have no idea how
sorry I am about that. I’m sorry I didn’t know you were in love
with me. And I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Ben leaned back on the couch and spread his
hands on his knees. His expression was still inscrutable. “What do
you think I should do with all that?” he asked.

Telaine looked at the floor. He didn’t sound
as if her apology mattered to him. She ought to leave, go back to
her room and start coding the message about the imminent invasion,
forget she’d ever loved Ben Garrett. “I don’t know,” she said. “I
would like you to forgive me, if you can. I love you. I want more
than anything for you to love me again.” She sounded so pathetic.
How had she gotten herself into this? Falling in love with a
country blacksmith she couldn’t even tell her real name to?

Silence. “You weren’t kidding about being
stupid about love,” Ben said. “You couldn’t hurt me like that if I
didn’t love you. And love’s not something you turn on and off like
that tap.”

She looked up at him, startled. Ben sighed.
He leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees again.

“I won’t say I’ve got a right to defend you
just because we’re walking out together, because that’s like I own
you,” he said, “but you can’t expect me to watch you in trouble and
not do everything in my power to fix it. That’s part of what love
is. Lainie, I want you to need me. I want to know you look at me
and see someone you can call on anytime, for anything. I don’t want
you treating me like a mewling babe can’t take care of himself,
much less anyone else. Because I don’t treat you that way at
all.”

She nodded. Her chest was tight with tears
she refused to shed. It was so easy to manipulate a man with
tears.

Ben looked off in the direction of the
kitchen, shaking his head, and a smile touched his lips. “Should’ve
known you’d follow me right away. Other girls, happen they would’ve
given up, let things fester, but Lainie Bricker can’t leave things
alone. I stood there behind the door, listening to you knock, and I
turned out the light because I wanted to hang on to my anger a
while longer. And you didn’t go anywhere. So I thought, do I need
my anger more than I need her?”

That, and his smile, broke something loose
inside her, and then she was crying and covering her face with her
hands, thinking crazily that sparing him the sight of her tears
might be less manipulative, and heard him kneel on the floor at her
feet.

“Sweetheart, you don’t have to hide from me,”
he said, peeling her fingers away from her face, and that made her
cry even harder. Everything she’d endured that day turned into
tears that poured out of her like an endless river, and she threw
her arms around his neck and sobbed into his shoulder, him stroking
her hair and murmuring calming words.

“I do need you,” she said when her flood of
tears had abated. “There’s something I need to tell you. I can’t
bear it alone. But I want to sit down together, because you’re not
going to like what I have to say.”

He took her hand and sat next to her on the
sofa, and in a trembling voice, with many pauses, she told him what
Morgan had done to her. Telling him comforted her, made the fear
more distant, though she could tell as she spoke that Ben was
having trouble not leaping up and flying off into the night to find
and murder Morgan. When she finished, he put his arms around her,
drew her to sit close against his chest, and said, “I wish I’d been
there.”

“So do I.”

“You going to listen to me now when I warn
you about him?”

“That’s not funny.”

“Sorry. I meant, how are we going to keep you
safe from him?”

“I’ve been wondering if I could appeal to the
Baron. He already knows Morgan makes me uncomfortable, and I think
he may value me more than he does Morgan.”

“Baron’s as dangerous in a less obvious way.
Don’t think you ought put yourself in his hands.”

“I know.” She sighed. “I’m not going back to
the fort tomorrow. I’m going to Ellismere in the morning.”

“Safe as anywhere. Wish I could come along,
though.” He gave her a squeeze.

“I’ll come right back. I promise.”

She craned her head to look at him and smile,
and her heart beat faster when he gave her his brilliant smile in
return. The smile turned mischievous. “Now,” he said, turning her
in his arms to face him, “I heard somewhere you’re in love with
me.”

“You know how rumors are,” she said. “Never
can tell which to believe.”

He pulled a face. “That’s a shame,” he said,
“because I was planning to kiss you if you were.”

Telaine put her arms around his neck. “I
think that’s an excellent plan.”

He smiled again, then kissed her, trailing
his fingers along her cheek and threading them through her hair. “I
think I should do that again,” he murmured, and she replied by
sliding her hands around the back of his neck and kissing him until
they both had to come up for air. He smelled so good, crisp and
clean like the hot metal of the forge.

His lips met hers again, passionately, and
the feel of them swept away the memory of Morgan’s terrible kiss
and filled her with longing for more.
He doesn’t know who I
am
, she thought, but it was distant and tiny and she could
barely hear it over the sound of her heart beating.

Ben put his arms around her and pulled her to
him, his kisses growing more urgent, his hands stroking her back
and sliding under her shirt to caress her skin. She kissed him
harder, willing him to touch her more. She wanted him so badly her
whole body felt like it was on fire.
This is what love feels
like,
she thought, but it was so much more, it was walking hand
in hand down the street, laughing over a shared joke, that
brilliant smile of his that told her he loved her, body and
soul.

No. Loves who he thinks you are.

That inner voice was getting harder to
ignore. His hands moved further up her back, brushing the strap of
her brassiere, and for a moment she saw a future in which they lay
naked together on his bed, sharing that ultimate expression of
love.
He’ll have to know the truth eventually, and how will he
feel when he realizes he’s slept with a woman who doesn’t
exist?

She pulled away from him, gently, not wanting
to hurt his feelings. “We can’t do this,” she said. “We have to
stop.”

Ben blinked at her. Then he closed his eyes
and let out a deep breath. “I told you I couldn’t be a gentleman in
here.”

“I don’t know if you noticed, but I wasn’t
exactly being gentlemanly either.”

He let go of her, but took her hand and
kissed it. “I love you, Lainie. And I want to do this right.”

“So do I.” She was so close to being done. Go
down the mountain in the morning, send her message, then…anything
was possible. “At least we’re not Trey and Blythe, going at it like
weasels.” Telaine drew her knees up to her chest and sat with her
back against the arm of the sofa. She so badly wanted to tell him
all her secrets, not to lie to him about anything. Not lying. There
was
something she could tell him, something more dangerous
than the simpler truth of being a princess and a spy. Maybe giving
him that secret would make her feel less guilty about the ones she
had to keep.

“Ben,” she said, “what do you think about
inherent magic?”