After the Fall (25 page)

‘Thanks, Santa.’ Sacha waved a Lily Allen CD. ‘He’s a clever girl. C’mon, boys! Who’s up for a water pistol fight?’

Once they’d gone, Kit and I stepped out onto the balcony, inhaling the tang of sea and pasture as we gazed down the valley. There were no exhaust fumes, no lawnmowers, no motorway hum, just the endless hissing and clicking of cicadas in the pristine blueness of our world. I saw that view ten times a day, but it still made me stop and stare.

‘Most people have to die to get to heaven,’ said Kit quietly. ‘How come we get to live there when we’re still alive?’

Finn’s blood-freezing war cry shattered the peace, and I caught a glimpse of dark mane and thin bare legs as he scaled the magnolia tree. Sacha tiptoed around the corner of the house with her weapon loaded and Charlie pressed close behind her. My curly-headed boy was, frankly, a bit of a drip. In any physical confrontation with Finn he would be the loser, but today he had a mighty protector.

At nine thirty, Kit hared off to the nearest Catholic church, whose doors he had scarcely darkened since we’d arrived. His faith was rather like his relationship with his mother: much neglected, but a vague source of comfort. Fleetingly I pondered whether we should all go, but Sacha had made a chocolate log and the boys were busy mutilating it with Christmas angel figures. Anyway, none of us was dressed.

Lily Allen began to sing a very rude song at full volume, her glorious profanity soaring across the valley. On a whim, I phoned Louisa.

‘Happy Christmas!’ I said brightly.

Lou sounded world-weary. ‘I still haven’t finished the stockings, then I’ve got to eat the carrot and the mince pie and leave soot all over the place. The great Father Christmas myth denies one fundamental truth—Santa is female.’

We had the usual conversation about what time it was, and what the weather was doing. Hot here, cold there. Light here, dark there. Lou’s voice became increasingly feeble until I asked her what was wrong. Big mistake.

‘Our first Christmas without you,’ she whispered shakily.

‘For God’s sake!’ I could have nutted her.

‘The kids think you’ll be here for lunch as usual. They can’t understand why you aren’t coming. And poor Dad misses his grandchildren terribly.’

‘Rubbish. Dad’s fine.’

‘He’s
not
fine. We try to see him more often, but there’s only so much we can do.’

I ground my teeth. ‘He isn’t complaining.
You
are. Get over it, Lou. I’m the one who’s supposed to be homesick, remember?’

‘You chose to leave. Nobody made you. You’re all right, Jack.’

‘Fine,’ I snapped, and hung up. Then the five-year-old in me burst into tears and had to run upstairs. I took a shower and washed my blotchy face. By the time I tottered down again, Kit was home.

‘Lou called,’ he said matter-of-factly. ‘Says she’s sorry. Why’s she sorry? No, don’t answer that—I can guess. Says you caught her at a bad moment. She’s going to bed now, so don’t call her back.’

‘I’ve no intention of calling her back! She’s been a complete bitch.’

‘Can we open our presents?’ asked Finn, who’d been digging around in the pile.

‘One each, and the rest after lunch.’ Kit picked out two parcels. ‘How about these ones from Grandpa?’

The boys attacked the booty, dragging off a kilo of bubble wrap to reveal a pair of porcelain piggybanks: blue porkers with long eyelashes and drunken leers. Finn shook his pig, and it chinked. When he prised out the stopper, a pile of notes and coins spilled onto the floor.

‘Treasure!’ he breathed. ‘Look, Buc’neer Bob. This’ere be pirate’s gold.’

‘UK money,’ said Kit. ‘’Fraid the exchange rate’s against you.’

Finn wasn’t interested in the vagaries of the international money market. His tongue stuck out the side of his mouth as he sorted his loot into piles. Charlie did the same, and the two small capitalists gloated over their hoard. They had no idea what any of the coins were worth—I don’t think they cared—and in the end Kit lay down on the floor and helped them. The whole process took half an hour, while Sacha and I lobbed a picnic into bags.

‘Fifty quid each.’ Kit began to shovel the coins away. ‘You tycoons can take it down to the bank when you want to cash up.’

We were ready to leave when the telephone rang. I got to it first.

‘Martha,’ rumbled Dad’s voice. ‘Happy Christmas to you, Kit and all the little piglets.’

‘Dad! Must be midnight there?’

‘I’m waiting up. Going to catch old Santa in the act. There’s a few things I’d like to discuss with him.’

‘Are you by yourself?’ I felt sad. Dad always used to stay with us on Christmas Eve.

‘Don’t fret. I’m off to Louisa’s in the morning.’

I had a vision of my family around Lou’s overloaded tree, raising glasses of mulled wine. ‘Oh, lucky you. Um . . . I hung up on her just before.’

‘So she told me. She’s a little fragile at the moment, Martha. Don’t think less of her.’

‘Give her my love . . . give them all our love.’ I had a lump in my throat. ‘I wish I was there.’

‘I wish you were, too,’ he said briskly. ‘But I bet you’re going to have an exotic day. Barbecue?’

‘Picnic at the river, actually. Swimming and bubbly, chilled in the shallows.’ Finn and Charlie were prancing as though they had a swarm of bees down their shorts, trying to wrestle the receiver out of my hand. ‘I’d better throw you to the wolves now, Dad. You’ve got to speak to all the children . . . and Kit sends his love.’

‘And I send mine to you all, dearest Martha. Have a wonderful day.’

Sacha looked deflated once the call ended. ‘I miss him,’ she said. ‘I miss them all.’

‘Me too.’ Charlie reached for his blanket, round-eyed. ‘Will we be going home soon?’

I wished we could board a plane right away and just go home. Then I thought of Jenna, who had heard the click of a gun at her temple. She didn’t have the luxury of wallowing in homesickness. I clapped my hands. ‘Hats and sunscreen on, please! Got your swimming trunks?’

‘Togs!’ shouted Charlie. ‘They’re not trunks, they’re togs.’

I realised with a jolt that my boys were beginning to sound like New Zealanders. It was just a hint: a flattening of the vowels, a slight rise at the end of the sentence and the odd word—‘chippies’ instead of crisps, ‘lollies’ instead of sweets—but nevertheless it was undeniable. I didn’t like it. It felt like a loss of my own identity.

With Muffin panting beside us, we ambled in the gathering heat across shrivelled pasture and down a steep hillside to our favourite bend of the river. There was nobody there, of course. No sign that there ever had or ever would be. That was the extraordinary thing, that’s what you couldn’t get your head around if you were brought up in suburban Britain.

Our stretch of river was a beauty spot on a world-class scale. Cool water flowed across its shingle bed with the clarity of a glacier mint, pooling under little limestone cliffs where swallows flickered with impossible speed in and out of their burrows. There were swirling eddies and waterfalls and trout pools so pure that their depths looked like blue glass, all beneath a flawless mauve sky. The Colberts’ vineyard swathed the far bank, adding a touch of the Mediterranean. I wished Lou could see it. I was sure she’d forgive me then.

The grey river stones scorched our feet. Muffin plodded straight in, grunting with pleasure as the exquisite chill streamed through her coat. The boys were next: sleek wet otters in orange water wings. Muffin circled happily around them, her ears flat on the water. Sacha plunged, grabbing Charlie’s ankle and making him shriek with nervous delight. Weeks of sunshine had bleached his corkscrew curls.

Cooled by the massage of the current, Kit and I sipped New Zealand bubbly out of plastic glasses while the riverbed rang with laughter. ‘Good decision?’ asked Kit, prodding my cheek with his toe.

I didn’t answer. I was looking at Sacha in her bikini top and board shorts, a fountain of diamonds spraying around her shoulders. It was some time since I’d seen her in a bikini. A worm of anxiety stirred in my gut.

Kit’s foot again, nudging insistently against my cheekbone. Sometimes he could be as demanding as his sons. ‘Hey. Calling all Marthas, come in please!’

‘Don’t you think she’s getting much too thin?’ I asked.

‘Who? Sacha? No.’

‘I can see her ribs.’

‘She doesn’t have an eating disorder—really, Martha, she doesn’t, she’s just trying to stay in shape like every other teenage girl. You’ve yo-yo dieted yourself for most of your life.’

I grimaced. ‘I’ve never been as thin as that.’

‘Martha. Relax. Everything’s good.’ He raised his glass. ‘Happy Christmas, Ms Pioneer.’

Twenty

I think I’ve been in this hospital all my life, but it is still the first day.

I fall asleep after talking to Charlie, kneeling on the floor with my face near Finn. I don’t know how long it is before I feel a hand on my upper arm. Kura Pohatu is crouched beside me.

‘Hello, Kura.’ We try to be polite and controlled, even when everything is imploding. Will the human race exercise self-restraint when Armageddon comes? Will we make small talk as the lights go out? Yes, I think we might. ‘You all right, Martha?’ she asks.

‘Mm?’ I struggle upright, pummelling my face. ‘Yes, yes.’

Her gaze takes in my bleary eyes and the marks of the sheet etched into my cheeks. ‘Come to a family room,’ she says, and steers me out of the ward, down a corridor and into a small room with a couple of armchairs. A television is jammed into one corner, and there’s a pile of old magazines on a round table.

‘The sun’s still up,’ I say in dull surprise, standing at the window. A blue and grey sky stretches above the city of Hastings. Light blasts off the windscreens of cars and the clouds have pale undersides, like sharks. Until now I couldn’t have told you whether it was day or night. I could scarcely have told you who I was.

‘It’s only four o’clock,’ says Kura. ‘Like some tea?’

My phone rings. I pull it out of my pocket.

‘Mum?’ Sacha’s words tumble and tangle. ‘What’s going on? What’s happening? Oh my God, Finn.’

‘Finn’s all right.’

‘Just woken up . . . I’ve got to come to the hospital. Bianka’s here, she says she’ll drive me.’

Quietly, Kura lays a mug and two biscuits beside me. I raise my eyebrows in thanks. ‘No, don’t come today.’

‘I’ve
got
to!’

‘Sacha, they don’t need fluey girls in ICU! They’ve enough illness in there as it is—your virus could kill people. Anyway, there’s no point. They’re keeping him unconscious.’

She’s skidding into hysteria. ‘Why didn’t you wake me?’

‘There was nothing you could have done.’

‘I can’t believe I didn’t hear anything. He must have been right outside my door! Why did he have to climb on that stupid rail?’

A tide of rage smashes into me. I almost tell her, here and now. If Kura Pohatu wasn’t sitting nearby, nonchalantly pretending to turn the pages of a magazine, I swear I would spew out the whole story.

‘Sacha,’ I say firmly. ‘I’m really sorry, doll, but I have to go now. I’ll call again soon. Finn’s doing well, just hold onto that.’

She’s sobbing. ‘Give him a million, trillion kisses. Tell him I love him.’

‘Finn’s sister,’ I explain, as I end the call.

The social worker smiles and closes her magazine. ‘I thought we should talk again, because I’m not sure we really covered everything last time.’

‘So you’ve come back for round two?’

‘This isn’t a boxing match. I’m here to work
with
you. If you need help, you only have to ask.’

‘Thank you. I appreciate your offer, but all I need is for Finn to come back to us.’

‘There are other children in your family,’ she says, with heavy meaning.

‘And they’re quite safe. Scared, upset, but safe. My neighbour is taking good care of them.’

‘Your neighbour . . .’ She inhales, and I see her nose tighten as though something doesn’t smell right. ‘Why did you come to New Zealand? What made you take that final plunge?’

‘It isn’t unusual. Immigrants are pouring into this country every day.’

‘And each has their reason. What was yours? You had a job, a family, friends. You had a lot to lose.’

I’m tired, suddenly; tired to the very core of my being. I am tired of watching and of being watched. I’m tired of covering things up. ‘Kit’s business folded.’

She doesn’t react, but she’s listening.

‘The downturn,’ I say. ‘Work dried up, clients stopped paying and he went under. He tried to go freelance but that was hopeless in the recession. Eventually it wore him down.’

‘Tell me about how it wore him down.’

‘Kit’s such a vibrant person, always the life and soul. He . . .’ I run out of words, but Kura waits for me to find more. ‘Every morning he watched me get up and dressed and off to work. Every night we worried about money. He couldn’t see a future.’

‘I expect he was angry?’

‘I didn’t say that.’