After Ever Happy (After #4) (26 page)

He shifts his eyes from mine and looks over to the bedside table. “Do you need anything? Water?” He tries to smile, but it’s forced, sad even. “I feel like I’ve offered you water a thousand times in the last few days.”

“I just need to go back to sleep.”

“I’ll stay?” he half demands, half asks.

“I don’t think . . .” I look over at Landon. I almost forgot he was in the room with us.

“It’s cool.” Hardin’s eyes stare past me at the wall behind my head. “I get it.”

When he shrugs his shoulders in defeat, it takes everything inside me, every ounce of my self-respect, not to wrap my arms around his neck and beg him to sleep with me. I need his comfort; I need his arms around my waist and my head on his chest as I fall asleep. I need him to give me the peace in sleep that I have always provided for him, but he’s no longer the safety net I relied on. Then again, has he ever been? He’s been on and off, always just out of reach, constantly running from me and our love. I can’t chase him again. I simply don’t have the strength to chase after something so unattainable, so unrealistic.

By the time I manage to break free from my thoughts, only Landon remains in the room with me.

“Scoot over,” he quietly instructs.

I do just that and fall back asleep, regretting my earlier thoughts of wishing I had stayed away from Hardin.

Even in the midst of the inevitable tragedy that was our relationship, I would never take a second of it back. I wouldn’t do it again, but I don’t regret a moment I spent with him.

T
he weather here is much better than in Seattle. The rain is nowhere to be found, and the sun has come out for a rare appearance. It’s April now: it’s about damn time that the sun is out.

Tessa has been in the kitchen with Karen and that Sophia chick all day. I’m trying to show her that I can give her space, that I can wait until she’s ready to talk to me—but it’s harder than I could have imagined. Last night was hard for me—really damn hard, to see her so distraught, so afraid. I hate that my nightmares have rubbed off on her. My horrors are contagious, and I would take them from her if I could.

When Tessa was mine, she always slept peacefully. She was my anchor, my comfort in the night, fighting off my demons for me when I was too weak, too distracted by self-pity, to help her battle them. She was there, shield in hand, fighting every image that threatened my fucked-up mind. She bore the burden on her own, and that’s what finally broke her.

Then I remind myself that she’s still mine; she’s just not ready to admit it again.

She has to be. There is no other way.

I park my car in front of my father’s house. The leasing agent gave me shit when I called to tell him that I’m moving out. He fed me some bullshit about charging me two months’ rent for breaking the lease, but I hung up midconversation. I don’t care what I have to pay, I’m not living there anymore. I know it’s an impulsive decision, and I don’t exactly have another place to live, but I’m hoping I can stay at Ken’s for a few days with Tessa until I can convince her to move in with me, in Seattle.

I’m ready for this. I’m ready to live in Seattle if that’s what she wants, and my offer of marriage isn’t going anywhere. Not this time. I’ll marry that girl and live in Seattle until I die if that’s what she wants, if that’s what makes her happy.

“How long is that chick staying?” I ask Landon, pointing out the window at the Prius parked next to his car. It was kind of cool of him to offer to take me to get my car, especially after I chewed him out for sleeping in the room with Tessa. I wouldn’t have been able to unlock the door, he pointed out, but I would have broken the damn thing down if I had the energy. The idea of the two of them sharing a bed has been driving me fucking crazy since I heard their hushed voices from outside the door. I ignored the puzzled look on his face when he found me half-asleep, sitting on the floor outside the door.

I tried to fall asleep in the empty bed in my designated room, but I just couldn’t. I had to be closer to her just in case something happened and she screamed again. At least that’s what I kept telling myself as I struggled to stay awake in the hallway the entire night.

“I don’t know. Sophia is leaving to go back to New York later this week.” His voice comes out high-pitched and awkward as hell.

What the hell’s that all about?
“What?” I press him as we walk inside the house.

“Oh, nothing.”

But Landon’s cheeks flush, and I follow him into the living room, where Tessa is standing near the window, staring off into space while Karen and mini-Karen share a laugh.

Why isn’t Tessa laughing? Why isn’t she at least engaged in the conversation?

The woman smiles at Landon. “There you are!”

She’s pretty enough, nowhere near Tessa’s beauty, but she’s easy on the eyes for sure. As she approaches, I look over and notice that, again, Landon is blushing . . . a pastry is in his hand . . . she’s smiling wide . . . and it
clicks
.

Why didn’t I see it before? He fucking likes her!
A million jokes and embarrassing comments flood my mind, and I literally have to bite my tongue to prevent myself from torturing him with this information.

I ignore the start of their conversation and walk straight to Tessa. She doesn’t seem to notice my presence until I’m directly in front of her.

“What’s going on?” I ask.

There’s a fine line between space and . . . well . . . my normal behavior, and I’m trying my best to find a good balance even if it’s hard to break the habit.

I know that if I give her too much space, she will withdraw from me, but if I suffocate her, she will run. This is new for me, completely uncharted territory. I hate to admit this to myself, but I had gotten a little too used to her being my emotional punching bag. I hate myself for the way I’ve treated her, and I know she deserves better than me, but I need this last chance to become someone better for her.

No, I need to be myself. Just a version of me who is worthy of her love.

“Nothing, just baking. The usual. Well, taking a little break from baking, actually.” A faint smile crosses her lips, and I grin at her. These small affections, these minuscule hints of adoration toward me, fuel my hope. A hope that’s both new and very much out of my comfort zone, but I’ll gladly spend my time figuring it out.

Karen and Landon’s number one spank-bank chick come over and signal to Tessa, and within seconds they’re all back in the kitchen while Landon and I are forgotten and left alone in the living room.

As soon as I’m sure the women can’t hear me, a devilish grin stretches across my face and I accuse Landon, “You’re hot for her.”

“How many times do I have to tell you? Tessa and I are just friends.” He sighs an annoyed and overdramatic sigh while scowling at me. “I thought you understood that after cussing me out for an hour this morning.”

I waggle my eyebrows. “Oh, I’m not talking about Tessa. I mean Sarah.”

“Her name is Sophia.”

I shrug and keep smiling. “Same thing.”

“No.” He rolls his eyes. “It’s not. You act like you can’t remember any woman’s name except Tess.”

“Tessa,” I correct him with a frown. “And I don’t need to remember any other women’s names.”

“It’s disrespectful. You’ve called Sophia every name that begins with an
S
, except her actual name, and it drove me insane when you called Dakota
Danielle
.”

“You’re annoying.” I sit down on the couch, smiling at my step . . . Actually, he’s not actually my stepbrother anymore. Never was. Realizing that fact, I’m not really sure how I feel about that.

He fights a smile. “So are you.”

Would he care if he knew?
Probably not, he would probably be relieved that we aren’t related, even by marriage.

“I know you like her, admit it.” I taunt.

“No, I don’t. I don’t even know her.” He looks away.
Busted.

“But she’ll be in New York with you, and you can explore the streets there together and get caught under an awning during a dramatic downpour—how romantic!” I pull my lip between my teeth to stifle a laugh at his horrified expression.

“Would you stop? She’s much older than me and way out of my league.”

“She’s too hot for you, but you never know. Some girls don’t care about looks,” I tease. “And who knows? She may be looking for a younger man. How old is your old lady there?”

“Twenty-four. Leave it alone,” he begs, and I decide to do just that. I could go on and on with this, but I have other things to focus on anyway.

“I’m going to move to Seattle.” I feel sort of almost giddy as I blurt out the news. Sort of.

“What?” He leans in, a little too surprised.

“Yeah, I’m going to see what Ken can do about helping me finish the semester through distance learning, and I’m going to get an apartment in Seattle for Tessa and me. I already dropped my grad packet, so it shouldn’t be too big of a deal.”

“What?” Landon’s eyes dart away from mine.

Did he not just hear what I said?
“I’m not repeating myself. I know you heard me.”

“Why now? You and Tessa aren’t together and she—”

“We will be; she just needs a little time to think it through, but she’ll forgive me. She always does. You’ll see.”

As the words leave my mouth, I look up to see Tessa standing in the doorway, a deep frown etched onto her beautiful face.

A beautiful face that instantly disappears as she turns on her heel and walks back into the kitchen without a word.

“Fuck.” I close my eyes and lay my head against the couch cushion, cursing at myself for my awful timing.

N
ew York is the best city in the world, Tessa—it’s incredible. I’ve lived there for five years now, and I still haven’t seen all of it. I bet that even in a lifetime you never could,” Sophia says while scrubbing at a baking pan that I burned a batch of dough in.

I hadn’t been paying attention. I was too lost in my own mind after hearing Hardin’s arrogant, uncaring words to notice the smoke coming from the oven. Only when Sophia and Karen came rushing into the kitchen from the pantry was my attention brought to the burnt dough. Neither of them chastised me, though, and Sophia just sprayed it under cold water to cool it down and then started scrubbing.

“Seattle is the largest city I’ve been to, but I’m ready for New York. I need to get away from here,” I tell them. Hardin’s face just won’t disappear from my mind as I say the words.

Karen gives me a smile as she pours each of us a glass of milk. “Well, I live close to NYU, so I can show you around if you want me to. It’s always good to know someone, especially in such a big city.”

“Thank you,” I tell her, meaning it. Landon will be there, but he will be just as lost as I will surely be, so we could both use a friend out there. The thought of living in New York City is so intimidating, it’s almost overwhelming, but I’m sure everyone feels like that before moving across the country. If Hardin were coming along . . .

I shake my head to rid it of the useless thoughts. I couldn’t even convince Hardin to move to Seattle for me—he would laugh in my face at New York. And he takes my plans, what I want, so for granted that he thinks I’ll forgive him just because I have in the past.

“Well”—Karen smiles, lifting her glass of milk to mine—“here’s to New York and new adventures!” She beams. Sophia raises her glass, and I can’t help but play Hardin’s words in my head as we toast.

“She’ll forgive me, she always does. You’ll see,”
he told Landon.

The fear of moving across the country lessens with each word of his as they play on a loop through my thoughts, each syllable a smack in the face to the tiny scrap of dignity I have left.

T
o say that I’ve been avoiding Hardin would be an understatement. As the days have passed—only two of them, though it feels like forty—I have avoided him at all costs. I know he’s here in this house, but I can’t bring myself to see him. He’s knocked on my door a few times but was met with a weak excuse from me on why I’m not answering.

I just wasn’t ready.

However, I’ve put off what I need to tell him too long now, and Karen is bound to get restless, I know it. She is bursting at the seams with happiness, and I know she doesn’t want to keep the addition to their family a secret for long. She shouldn’t have to; she should be happy and proud and excited. I can’t ruin that for her by being a coward.

So when I hear those heavy boots outside my door, I wait silently, pathetically, both hoping for a knock and wishing for him to go away. I’m still waiting for the day when my mind clears, when my thoughts go back to making sense. The more time that passes, the more I begin to question how clear my thoughts have ever been. Have I always been this confused, this unsure of myself and my decisions?

I wait on my bed, eyes closed and lip throbbing between my teeth, for him to leave before knocking. I’m disappointed, yet relieved, when I hear his door slam across the hall.

Gathering all my strength and my phone in my hand, I check my reflection in the mirror one last time and then cross the hall. Just as I lift my hand to knock, the door opens, and there stands Hardin, shirtless and looking down at me.

“What’s wrong?” he immediately asks.

“Nothing, I—” I ignore the twist in my stomach as his brows pull together in worry. His hands touch me, thumbs gently pressing into my cheeks, and I just stand in the doorway, blinking up at him, not a coherent thought within reach.

“I need to talk to you about something,” I finally say. The words come out muffled, and he’s looking down at me with confusion clouding his brilliant green eyes.

“I don’t like the sound of that,” he remarks somberly and drops his hands from my face.

Going to sit on the edge of the bed, he beckons for me to join him. I don’t trust the lack of distance between us, and even the thick air in the stuffy room seems to be taunting me.