Affair of Honor (18 page)

“We want and need each other, lady,” he interrupted quietly. “How much longer until you realize that?”

“What about love?” she flung back, aware that she was inserting a totally irrational argument into what should have stayed a very rational discussion.

“What about love?” he countered. “I’m talking about fundamentals, not vague, indefinable concepts like love. You’re an intelligent woman: face the facts of the situation. You want me, even if you are a little afraid of me at this point.”

“I am not afraid of you!” she bit out furiously.

“Yes, I think you are. You’re afraid of what I’m going to bring into your cozy, well-organized life, aren’t you, Brenna? With me around you might find yourself tempted to give in to the more adventuresome side of your nature. In fact, the mere act of coming to me takes you very far afield, doesn’t it? I keep warning you what giving yourself to me really means, and you keep trying to pretend you can slip in and out of my bed without accepting the commitment it involves. You’re frightened of that commitment because it’s got nothing to do with your neat little academic world. You’re frightened of
me
because I’m not a man from your world. But you’ve got the courage to handle those fears, Brenna.”

“I came here tonight to apologize,” Brenna hissed angrily, “not to become involved in this kind of crazy argument! Good night, Ryder.” She waited defiantly for him to release his grip on her leg. Not for the world would she admit that she was trembling with an irrational wish that he would simply yank her into the room and into his bed. It made everything so much simpler when she didn’t have to make the choice.

“Good night, Brenna. Your apology is accepted.” Ryder took his hand away from her thigh. He didn’t move as she scrambled back out of the window and fled toward her cabin. But he called her name once softly in the darkness and she halted, poised warily in the starlight. “Brenna.”

“Yes, Ryder?”

“You could have kept him here, you know.”

“Craig?” She frowned uncertainly, not understanding.

“All you had to do was tell him about your own messy situation at the college. If you’d told him how bad things are and told him you needed his support, he would have stuck around until everything was resolved.”

“That wouldn’t have been a fair tactic to use,” she protested instantly. “It would have been a kind of emotional blackmail.”

“I know.” She sensed his smile even though she couldn’t quite discern it. “And you’re a woman of honor, aren’t you? You prefer to fight fair, even when you know you’re going to lose. Good night, lady. Sleep well.”

I
t was Ryder who found the note in the mailbox shared by the two cabins. He walked into Brenna’s kitchen the next morning just as she was about to poach an egg for herself. He didn’t bother to knock.

“It’s addressed to you,” he announced, tossing the envelope down on the table and lowering himself casually into one of the chairs. “Tea ready yet?”

Brenna refrained from dropping the egg into the swirling hot water and frowned. She had spent a sleepless night alternating between anger and cool determination. Ryder looked as if he’d had a thoroughly restful night. She wanted to say something firm about the way he had walked in without bothering to knock, but she couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t sound childish or petulant.

“It’s ready. Help yourself.” Wiping her hands on a towel, she went over to the table and picked up the small letter. It was from Diana Bergen.

“Friend of yours?” Ryder asked easily, pouring his tea.

“She’s a member of the philosophy department. A colleague. Yes, she’s a friend.” Brenna tore open the envelope and quickly scanned the contents. “So,” she whispered when she’d finished. “That’s the way it’s going to end.”

“The way what’s going to end?” Ryder persisted patiently, his gaze going to the letter.

Brenna looked up. “She says Dr. Humphrey is announcing his retirement unexpectedly early. There’s going to be a party for him tomorrow night and she suggests I come back for it. Good politics.” Her mouth turned downward derisively at that last comment. “Says she would have phoned to give me more advance notice but found out I didn’t have a telephone here this summer.” Brenna glanced back down at the letter. “She also says Damon will undoubtedly be taking over Humphrey’s position.”

Ryder sipped cautiously at the hot tea. “The fall term should prove interesting for you,” he observed dryly. “Are you really going to go back and work for the man you insulted so openly a few days ago?”

Brenna tapped her fingers restlessly on the table. “I’ll worry about Damon later. I might be able to apologize for what happened and make him understand,” she said quietly. “It’s Humphrey I’m thinking about now. If I don’t go to this party for him tomorrow evening I may never see him again. If I’m ever going to do or say anything to his face about what he’s done to me, tomorrow night is the time.”

Ryder ignored the last part of her statement altogether. “What the hell do you mean you’ll worry about Fielding later? I thought you said he could make life very uncomfortable for you this fall.”

“He can.” She shrugged. “But I don’t think he will. He
likes
me, Ryder. He’ll understand how upset I was just as I understood why he was trying to talk me into not making a scene with Humphrey. He was only trying to make me see the political side of the question.” She brushed the remainder of that issue aside. “The important thing right now is whether or not I’m going to confront Humphrey.”

“Can he still jeopardize your career?”

“I doubt it. Not from retirement. I could still come out of a scene looking extremely foolish, though. Damon‘’s right in that regard. I’m just a very junior member of the faculty making some crazy charges against a renowned senior member of the department. But I can’t let this pass! My God! I worked months on that ethics paper. Some of those conclusions took me weeks of study and analysis. To see them published by a man I held in such high regard is unbearable. I have to say
something
to him, even if I do come off looking foolish and vicious.” Brenna got to her feet with determination. “I’m going to that party. I’ll drive back this afternoon and have plenty of time to prepare for tomorrow night.” The moment of decision had really arrived and she knew what had to be done. She had to confront Paul Humphrey regardless of what he might do to her future in the academic world. It was a relief to have the decision made.

“What about Fielding?” Ryder asked very softly.

She turned to glance at him as she prepared to finish making breakfast. “It was wrong of me to expect Damon to help me fight my battles. I shouldn’t have tried to enlist his aid, and I had no right to insult him when he tried to make me see his side of the matter. I’ll apologize to him tomorrow night. He’ll understand why I acted as I did. I’ll explain to him about you, too.”

“That should be interesting.”

Brenna felt herself flush furiously and her mouth tightened. “There’s no need for him to know all the details!”

“He’s already guessed most of the pertinent ones, as I recall. He thinks I’m the stud you’re amusing yourself with this summer, remember?”

“Don’t say things like that!” she whispered tautly, shocked.

“You heard him. Is that how you see me, Brenna?”

“Ryder, don’t be ridiculous. You’re just trying to provoke me.” She looked at him pleadingly, the bowl of eggs in her hand. “Ryder, about last night, I hope you understood what I was trying to say.”

“You have the most annoying tendency to try to explain ‘last nights.’ ” Ryder’s crooked smile expressed a tenderness that took Brenna by surprise. She stood quite still, staring at him as he got up from the table and came across the floor to cup her face in his hands. “But it’s the future I’m concerned about. I won’t try to tell you that you shouldn’t go back for this party. If you feel you have to confront Humphrey, that’s your business. It’s a matter of pride and honor. I understand that. But I have to know whether or not you’re planning on coming back here to Tahoe afterward.”

Brenna went still, her inner turmoil clear in the amber of her eyes. “Ryder, I don’t know if I should. Perhaps this is as good a time to end things as any.”

“You won’t be ending matters if you stay down in the Bay area,” he warned gently. “You’ll just make it necessary for me to come after you. I’m asking for your word that you’ll come back here instead of going into hiding. I think you’ve got the courage to return, lady. What do you think?” His thumbs moved sensually along the line of her throat, and the silver in his gaze was a net she couldn’t avoid.

“Oh, Ryder,” she whispered helplessly.

“Your word you’ll come back?” he coaxed softly.

What could she say? How could she resist, even though she knew she should? This man might be all wrong for her, but he held a power over her that no other man had ever wielded.

“Ryder, it would be better if—”

He didn’t let her finish. Still holding her face cupped in his rough yet gentle hands, he brought his mouth down to take hers in a sweet, lingering kiss that flooded her with weakness and reminded her all too keenly of how close she was to falling in love with Ryder Sterne.

His tongue moved knowingly along the inside of her lips as he deepened the kiss. When she moaned softly and unconsciously crowded a little closer to his hard frame, he lifted his head to look down into her eyes. “Promise you’ll come back to Tahoe. You owe me that much at least, lady.”

She didn’t owe him anything, Brenna told herself wildly even as she heard her own voice say “Yes.”

He pulled her close against his chest. “It’s always nice to know one is dealing with a woman who will honor her word.”

Brenna was on her way by lunchtime. She was tense, both from the strain of what she was going to do when she met Paul Humphrey face-to-face and from the look in Ryder’s eyes as he watched her leave. He stood in the drive, feet slightly braced and hands shoved idly into his back pockets. The breeze ruffled his tawny hair and the sun seemed to glance along the planes of his set features. He understood why she had to go, Brenna knew. But he would hold her to her word about returning.

What had she done by rashly giving her promise on that score? she asked herself time and again on the long drive back to the San Francisco Bay area. It would have been so much more rational to simply not have returned. Going back to Tahoe would be dangerous. There was no way around that.

No, she had to stop thinking about such matters. Her main concern now must be deciding what she would say to the esteemed Dr. Humphrey. Brenna entertained no illusions about gaining any real justice out of the mess. But it had become important to let the man know she was well aware of what he had done and what she thought of him for doing it. She was the only one who could stand up for her own rights. It had been wrong to hope that Damon would stand beside her. Some things a person had to do for herself. If there was ever a philosophical bit of truth, that was it!

The apartment she had left for the summer seemed almost unwilling to welcome her back so soon. It was closed up and too neat, just as she had left it. There was also no food in the place.

Hours later, tired by the drive and her own nervous tension, Brenna crawled between the cold sheets, turned on her electric blanket, and fell asleep. And dreamed of a man with silver-gray eyes.

She chose her clothes with care the following evening, the kind of clothes that a woman would wear when she knew she would be standing alone. She wasn’t about to fade into the room on this particular occasion. The suit was classic white, spare and cleanly designed with a rakish shape to the upstanding collar that framed her throat. Underneath she wore a chrome-yellow silk blouse. The contrast with her dark hair and the yellow-heeled white leather pumps made an impact that would not go unnoticed. Standing in front of her bedroom mirror, she twisted her hair into a sleek, severe knot and added a yellow and turquoise bracelet to one wrist. The amber in her eyes seemed almost gold as she stared critically back at herself. Would anyone else notice the tension and, yes, the fear in those eyes?

Deliberately choosing to arrive late at the on-campus faculty club, Brenna walked through the quiet grounds with a firm stride that belied her inner nervousness. The college was operating some special summer programs this year, but even with those in progress there wasn’t nearly the usual bustle of students and faculty as there was during the academic year.

The understated elegance of the faculty club was the result of a bequest from a generous alumnus. The room had been designed to resemble the gracious library of an English manor house and, as was appropriate, sherry would be the beverage served. Brenna wasn’t surprised to see the delicate little tea sandwiches that accompanied it. The staff of the campus cafeteria somehow always managed to produce fairly interesting tidbits for these occasions.

The subdued hum of conversation was as appropriate as the little sandwiches and the sherry. The room was full of faculty members from all of the college’s various department, including the library. Brenna stood silently in the doorway for a moment absorbing the scene. Dr. Paul Humphrey was, naturally, the focus of attention of the most important of the evening’s guests. The provost and his wife, the head of the library, and several other notables stood grouped around the retiring faculty member. At Humphrey’s right hand stood Damon Fielding.

“Brenna! You made it! I’m so glad you got my note.”

Diana Bergen came quickly toward her, her attractive features cheerfully drawn into a smile of welcome. She was a couple of years older than Brenna and had recently been promoted to associate professor in the philosophy department.

“Thanks for thinking of me when you heard the news, Diana.” Brenna accepted the delicate glass of sherry and took a sip. She was going to need it.

“I really thought it would be a good idea for you to show up.” Diana nodded, glancing over her shoulder at the group surrounding Paul Humphrey. “I know Humphrey is a little pompous and no one’s going to be overly sad to see him leave, but it’s important to be seen at functions like this. A good opportunity to show the provost you have a proper respect for senior members of the faculty community,” she added with a knowing little chuckle.