Adrenaline Crush (15 page)

“Dyna, we are not getting into a political debate,” Mom says. “No arguing at the table.”

I look at her. “Are you kidding me? The reason we
have
a table is so this family has a specific location to argue!”

“That's not why I brought Pierce into our home,” Dad warns.

“It's fine,” Pierce says. “I'm up for a discussion. Here, I'll even start us off. You know that saying ‘It's a free country'?”

“Yeah.” Dad looks wary.

Pierce levels him with his eyes. “Well, I love that saying.”

This gets a rise out of my father, and with a “Listen here, I love this country just as much as anybody…” the two of them launch into a heated dispute over politics that instantly makes my head hurt.

“… greatest nation…” “… foreign policy…” “… Taliban…” “… weapons of mass destruction…” “… defend the weak…” “… *cough* Iraq *cough*…”

“So much for polite conversation,” Mom tells me as words ricochet around us. Harley is busy listening and interjecting lame comments that support both Pierce and Dad at different times.

When Dad's face hits a shade of red that suggests Pierce is seriously poking the bear, Mom yells out, “Okay, enough! This discussion is done. Subject closed! New topic!”

The two of them finally agree to disagree on ideology and aggressively finish their last bites of steak.

When Dad's face has returned to its natural color, he says, “Whatever my feelings on war, I do respect what you've done, soldier.” To Harley and me he says, “I brought Pierce home to get you kids thinking about how you'll make your mark on this world.”

“You know”—Harley runs his tongue over his lip ring—“to be honest I've always kind of imagined myself flying a plane.”

“Here we go,” Mom says. “We are not paying for flying lessons. We took enough of a hit when you washed out of culinary school.”

There's an awkward pause, since everyone at the table knows Harley dropping out of cooking school is a sore spot. Everyone except for Pierce, that is, so he jumps right in. “You could learn to fly for free in the Air Force.”

Mom and Dad both shift back in their seats, but Harley leans forward. “I never thought of that,” he says.

Pierce describes the benefits of Air Force training, including the fact that once Harley's time is served he can become a private pilot and see the world. “You love being in the sky, might as well get paid for it.”

It turns out that a person needs to be pretty smart and have good grades to get into the Air Force Academy and qualify for pilot training. But of course, that's not an issue for Harley.

His eyes sparkle, and I feel the need to extinguish all of this. “You'll have to lose the piercings, you know,” I say, but Harley just shrugs. “And they do drug tests on pilots
all the time
.”

“Not a problem.” He grins at me and I can see he's serious. I look to Mom and Dad, but they seem equally lost for a way to make it clear that Harley cannot possibly join the Air Force.

Especially since, as Pierce is explaining, it seems that he certainly can.

“Hey, Pierce?” I pat him aggressively on the shoulder with the gauze that must still hurt from Dad's tattoo. “My brother's doing just fine without your
help
. Thanks.”

Pierce doesn't flinch as he looks at me. “You told me he was a brilliant student who turned into a total pothead right after graduation.”

Harley starts coughing loudly but I'm focused on Pierce. “He can't do this.”

“You can't stop him,” Pierce says. “I hate to break it to you, Dyna, but life is one giant risk. Stepping out and
trying
is the biggest risk a person can take, but it beats doing nothing.”

I just stare at him.

“Sounds kind of like the family motto.” Dad grins at Mom.

I stand up, pick up my plate, and start scraping the scraps into the garbage. “Mottos are stupid.”

“Fine, but your brother's not.” Pierce glares at me, and I resist the urge to stab him with my fork.

I clatter around the table, haltingly clearing the dishes. Pierce stands to bring his plate to me at the sink and I snatch it from him and lean in. “What makes you think you can just show up here and start messing with my family?”

“If I were here to mess with your family,” Pierce says evenly, “I'd start with you. I'd tell you that accident didn't cripple you, Dyna. You're the one who did that to yourself.”

“Now wait just one minute—” Mom says.

“I apologize,” Pierce interrupts. “But I can't stand watching her hold so much back.”

“You don't know anything about me,” I shoot.

He locks in his gaze. “I know you possess huge passion that you're working to keep bottled up because you're frightened by the intensity you're capable of.” He leans in closer. “I know that when we were alone you saw the depth of something so powerful it scared you and sent you scurrying to some emotional cave you imagine keeps you safe.” He runs a hand through his hair, making it stand up in tufts, before whispering intimately, “Don't you ever think about that day?”

My heart flaps helplessly for a moment before I'm aware of my family, looking up at us with open curiosity.

I turn to Mom and say, “I'm sorry.” As if I cheated on her instead of Jay.

Harley tries to start a slow clap, but Mom gives him a withering look.

“Okay, bro.” Harley rises and thumps Pierce on the back. “That's the cue for me to give you a ride home.”

Mom nods. “Sure, we'll lift the grounding for you to drive … Pierce home.”

I refuse to look at him as he thanks Mom and Dad and apologizes for the way things went. Dad says, “No need to be sorry.” Which is total crap, because on top of the giant political blowout, Pierce has just tried to ruin Harley's life and accused me of hiding from mine. Very bad dinner guest behavior.

I dart from the table, passing the boys on their way to the door. Thundering unevenly up the stairs, I ignore Pierce when he calls, “Dyna, wait…”

As Harley's Jeep pulls out of the driveway, I flop onto my bed and hear Dad through the air vent telling Mom, “I predict we've just met Dyna's first husband.”

“Ha!” Mom says. “I don't know why you don't like Jay. He told me in confidence he's thinking of going to Vassar instead of Columbia next year so he can stay close to Dyna.”

“What a wuss,” Dad grumbles.

I don't have the energy to shout down that I can hear them. Their discussion continues as if we live in a culture where they have some sort of say about my love life.
Thank God we don't
.

“Dyna's been through a lot and has gotten used to Jay being around,” Dad says. “I just hope she doesn't mistake that for true love.”

“Well, Pierce scares me,” Mom says, then after a pause she gives a strange giggle.

“Don't you remember I scared you when we first met?” Dad's voice is deep.
Ugh
, I try not to imagine them kissing. Downstairs goes quiet and I put my pillow over my head.

I can't believe Pierce brought up that day in front of my whole family. We were supposed to pretend that kiss never happened. I turn over and stare at my smooth ceiling until I hear Harley come back home. “Whoa, guys, get a room!” he says, which sends Dad's laugh booming through the house.

“Pierce is pretty cool, huh?” Harley says. “Wonder what's up with him and Dyna.”

I reach over, clamp the pillow over my mouth, and scream into it as loud as I can. It feels so good I do it a few more times before flipping face-first onto my bed.

The discussion downstairs turns to the real possibility of Harley applying to the Air Force Academy, and I can't stand to be in this house one more second.

Feeling around until I locate Jay's poem, I stare at his beautiful words about finding our fit.

I dial his number and as soon as he picks up I tell him where he needs to meet me.

“Really? Are you sure?” he asks.

“Yes. Absolutely.”

After a pause he says, “I'll come pick you up.”

I glance toward my bedroom door. “No, I'll just meet you there.”

“It's almost six-thirty, Dyna. The sun will be setting soon and I don't think you should be driving in the dark your first time out.”

“Don't worry. I'm not driving.”

 

21

By the time I reach the clearing my leg is throbbing on account of the molten lava that's flowing through it.

Jay rushes forward the moment I hit the turnoff and catches me as I allow my bike to clatter to the ground. “Ungh!” I groan, and clutch my wrapped ankle as he eases me down to sit in the dirt. I look up at his concerned face as a team of endorphins gets busy putting out the fire in my leg.

“I did it!” I laugh in disbelief. “Oh my god, I didn't think I could. But I did it.”

His astonishment hardens to anger. “What the hell, Dyna? When you said you weren't driving I assumed you were getting a lift. What made you think you could ride your bike this far?”

“I know, right?” I'm hit with a wave of giddiness as I turn to the swim hole

and gasp.

It is so changed.

The setting sun has dyed the cliff a shimmering rose, and thick patches of red and yellow leaves are doubled in the water's reflection. The effect should be breathtaking, except it's ruined by a new chain-link fence surrounding the whole area. It looks as if the swim hole has been placed under arrest.

“What the…?” My voice goes small and I hug my knees. “A fence?”

“I can't believe they put it up so quickly.” Jay grins at me. “Now nobody else can get hurt.”

“Nobody…” I can't take my eyes off the silver abomination. “That's not…”

“Hey.” He moves to embrace me, but I'm a marble statue sitting on the ground. “This is a good thing, Dyna. If they'd done this sooner you never would've fallen.” He reaches to push the hair off my face but I deflect his hand. I climb slowly to my feet and limp over to the disgusting fence.

My fingers grip at the chain links and I shake with all my strength. The fence responds with a rattling metallic laugh. “This is awful. And it's all my fault.”

“I wouldn't say that,” Jay says. “In fact, I feel pretty responsible.”

“How are you…?” I've caught my breath from the ride, but I still can't finish my sentences.

Jay smiles proudly. “I wrote a letter to the
New Paltz Times
about what a hazard this place is. Well,
was
. This must be the water company's response.” He gestures to the fence as if it's a grand prize I've just won.

I want to slap the rubber grin off his face.

I can't believe it. “Now nobody can enjoy the swim hole.”

“This place was a lawsuit waiting to happen, if you ask me.”

“Well, who the hell did ask you?” Staring at the hideous silver scar, I accuse, “This is how you want to keep me, isn't it? All fenced in.”

The color drains from Jay's face. “I just want you to be safe, Dyna-baby.” He wavers on his feet, but I don't hold back.

“There is no such thing as safe, Jay. Anything can happen. I can slip in my bathtub and break my damn neck.” Jay tilts his head, as if a new angle may help him understand why I'm suddenly so angry.

I don't like feeling this pissed off. I want to push out the words that everything's fine and that the two of us are still okay. But I need to stop being afraid of my own intensity.

I know what has to happen.

“Jay, I will always love you,” I tell him. “God, I
literally
owe you my life … but we need to break up.”

His eyes narrow in confusion, and I'm reeling over what I've just said. I ache to take it back but I can't. It's the truth.

“B-but I saved you,” he sputters as if in shock. “I'm responsible for your life, Dyna.”

“No, Jay. You're not,” I say firmly. “I am.”

He sits down hard on the ground like his legs just gave out. I cringe at how much this hurts. When he finally speaks, his voice is so low I can barely hear him. “Is there somebody else?”

I stammer, “I-I-I…” Which is enough of an answer for his shoulders to drop.

“But when? I've been with you practically every second you're not at Ulysses…” His head snaps up to look at me. “That
Pierce
guy?” The accusation has an edge and I'm immediately defensive.

“No, we're not together. In fact, he probably hates me right now.”

Jay laughs. “Dyna, trust me when I tell you, there's no way that guy could ever hate you. Don't think I never noticed the way he looks at you.”

“This really isn't about him, Jay.” I crouch down to face him. “This is about us being stuck and needing to break out. When we met, you had your sights set on becoming a writer in New York City. Now I hear you're thinking of staying local? Just to be near me?”

“Your mom told you?”

“No. I overheard her telling my dad.”

“I was willing to make a sacrifice because I'm in love with you, Dyna. Can't you see that?”

I stand and step up to the fence. “The two of us have been frozen in time, Jay. I've been locked into what happened here. My fall. Being a victim.” I rattle the fence for emphasis. “I need to break out and start living again.”

Jay's voice bleeds. “But I love being locked in with you.”

“I've loved it, too,” I say softly. “I honestly have. But there's a part of me that I lost that day. A wild part. I blamed that wild part for messing up my ankle and almost getting me killed. But I can't bottle it up anymore, Jay. I'm sorry.”

I don't know how much he can understand, but after a long moment he furrows his brow and drags himself to his feet. I wait a few beats before sliding into a full-body hug. I could sob for the familiar feel of his embrace.