ACV's 1 Operation Black Gold (27 page)

‘What is it?’

‘A cat.’  A number of voices chorused before I could open my mouth.

He looked at me in that inquisitive manner.  ‘No,’ I told him.

‘Oh, he’s beautiful,’ squealed Sam.  Well that was enough for him; over he went strutting like a peacock.  I received a tail slapped across my face as I tried to take a drink of tea.  He played it for all he was worth, rubbing himself against her large breasts.

‘What’s his name?’ 

‘Boy.’

‘That’s a funny name for a cat.’

‘Jim thinks he’s Tarzan.’

‘Fuck off Nommy.’

‘He’s very friendly.’

‘Aye right,’ scoffed Abie shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

‘He likes women.’

‘Aye nae doubt,’ jumped in Buff.  My sex life had always been one of his favourite subjects.  He grinned wickedly at me.

‘Fuck off Buff,’ I growled a warning.

‘That cat’s probably seen mair naked women than I have.’

‘Can it will ye?’

But he was away on a tangent.  ‘Ye ken this.  This cunt shagged…Ah ye dirty bastard!’  He shot out of his chair desperately trying to keep my hot tea, which now adorned his lap, from burning his privates.  The air fair turned blue even the cat seemed impressed.  ‘I’ll get ye back for this ye bastard.’

‘Aye, no doubt.’  I answered unconcerned.

‘These jeans were clean on this morning, if you’ve stained them, Marie will kill ye.’

‘Go get changed,’ I raised my voice above the laughter.  ‘Same goes for the rest ó ye, we’ve a lot to get through today.’  I took 10 minutes to brief them on what we had to do and warn them about the secrecy of the new vehicles

Abie was hero of the hour at the DOE, handing out season tickets and a few life memberships to the Aberdeen Supporters Club.  We had a helluva job extracting him.  While he was getting his bedding, Reginald and I collected a computer.  It was a command console that had been crashed with all the latest printing gear attached, although no one seemed to understand why I wanted the crashed one.  They didn’t know I could fix it.  If they did, I wouldn’t have got it.

We arrived back at base a few seconds before Davie Whitton.  ‘Where have you been Davie?’

‘Just getting settled in to the officers mess.’

‘Well ye can just get unsettled again, go down, grab your gear and be back up here in half an hour, we’re on parade for a physical.’  I was in no mood for an argument and he got the point, his driver took him away again.  It wasn’t his fault; he hadn’t a clue as to what was happening.

‘He’s going to hit the roof fin he sees this lot,’ I heard Abie venture as I reached the door.

‘When I see fit.’  For the second time that day, I was struck speechless by our accommodation.  It was now full of furniture, the beds had been moved down a little and red velvet sofa’s sat round a large elegant coffee table.  Beside my bed sat my TV and play station 5 on a fancy gaming stand.  Across the other side sat the latest in Sony technology a play station 7 with a double disk drive.  The massive flexi screen could be canted back for two individuals to play privately or on match up.  Or forward for one player to enjoy a massive gaming experience.  I checked out my own gear to discover it wasn’t mine and a DVD machine had replaced my old video player. 

Ali came over.  ‘This isna my stuff Ali, it is a brand-new.’

‘It was Nommy’s idea; he reckoned if we took all your stuff down here you’d never go home for a break.  All we did was take a note of the makes ó your machines and phone it in to his supplier.  He couldn’t get another video like yours though, d’ye ken it’s an antique

‘No I didn’t, I got it from my granddad when he passed on, nobody else wanted it or his video collection, I love it.’

‘Well look after it, it’s worth a fortune, he got ye DVD’s instead and a pile ó films.  There in that box over there, the other one is full ó games.  We didn’t have the time to check yours out so we just got the lot.’

I let myself be led over.  It was full.  I picked one up; it was one of the latest releases.  All of a sudden, I got the itch to play.  No you don’t, I told myself.  I put it back then changed my mind and put it on my bed.  ‘I’ll have a wee look at that later.’

‘Are ye nae guan to shout and bawl?’ asked Abie.

‘What about?’

‘Well, it’s not exactly standard issue stuff.’

‘You’re speaking to the wrong man; I lost that Spartan military psychology years ago.  I am concerned about how much this lot cost though.’

‘So were we, but he just laughed,’ Ali shrugged helplessly,’ Called it sweetie money.’

‘Whit I’d like to know is how come every things colour co-coordinated.’

‘Nommy asked the DOE bloke for a sample bit ó carpet when we were in past last week.’

‘What a bunch ó conniving cunts.’  At the bottom of the room, a large Budweiser fridge had been installed.  I went down and checked it out; it was full.  ‘I see you managed to get this one unpacked alright,’ I laughed.

‘Priorities Jim.’

‘Fair enough, bit no touching it until after work.’

‘Won’t be cauld till then anyway.’

Reginald had been chomping at the bit to see what I was going to do with the computer, but once we’d set it up in the small office, I threw him out until I’d switched it on.

Davie Whitton returned.  ‘Your sly bastard Murison, this is ten times better than the mess.  I’m off for a cuppa.’

I carried on with a familiarization routine I had been doing after I’d found myself looking at the buttons.

It wasn’t long before I began to regain my confidence.

Buff appeared.  ‘Time to go Jim.’

‘Right.’  I rushed through and changed into Pt gear, army type.  ‘Where’s boy?’

‘He’s we Sam getting stuff for the office,’ Grizz answered.  I just shook my head.

They plugged us in and worked us out.  In 5 minutes, I was tired.  In ten, I was totally fucked.  It was almost the same test I’d taken when I’d first joined except for the presence of a doctor and a heap of high tech gadgetry.  There was no fail for this test, but if there had been I would have failed miserably.  My assessment was simple, sound of heart and body, but extremely unfit.

The rest were in better shape except Fritz, Davie Whitton went over and introduced himself when the Doctor started making a fuss over his read outs.  Eventually I was called over.  Fritz looked thunderstruck.  It seemed his fondness for recreational drugs when he was younger had damaged the blood vessels in his brain.  They would not stand up to the pounding we were going to give them.  Even the promise off a stress monitor and free joints for the rest of his life couldn’t cheer him up.

‘What kind of tasks will he be able to do?’  I asked the doctor.

‘Well he’ll be able to lead a perfectly normal life, even do a little light exercise, I would recommend it, but he’ll never be a combat soldier again.’

‘You’ll medically discharge him?’

‘Yes of course.’

The look in Fritz’s eyes almost broke my heart.  ‘Would you be able to medically downgrade him instead?’

‘Why?’

We’re a medical unit; we’ll have drugs and stuff that need guarding 24 hours a day.’  I turned to Fritz, ‘you’ll have to learn everything about the drugs and equipment we’ll be using.  If were out in the field you’ll be on permanent radio stag in case we need a re-supply and then you’ll have to organise it.  Could he manage these duties doctor?’

‘I would imagine so, yes.’

‘Ye never mentioned this afore,’ Fritz asked suspiciously.

‘Didn’t know who to pick.  I was thinking of trying to get an outsider.’

‘Hey no way man, if they throw me out I’ll still come and do it, an outsider would just let ye down.’

‘What do you think doctor, can you do it?’

‘It’s not up to me I’m afraid, it would have to go to the Brigade and the chief medical officer.’

Davie and I passed a knowing look.  ‘Sorted.’  We chorused in unison.  Fritz burst out laughing.

The physical training officer watched the proceedings through the small glass window in his office.  His eyes settled on the small man who had caused him so much problems, he had considered his request a joke.  However, two minutes after he had left the CO. had sneaked in and demanded to know everything he’d said.  The upshot of the conversation was the small Lt. was going to have his request granted.  The CO had then gone over the six-week training program he had worked out and double it.  The rest of his weekend had been spent at his desk.  ‘If the Prime Minister comes and asks me what we’ve done with these men in six weeks’ time, I’m going to tell him that every single man here is fit to fight.  If they’re not I will hold you personally responsible.’  He glanced at the man sitting at his desk and smiled to himself.  ‘Well Mr. bloody Murison, you’re about to get your comeuppance.’

‘Ah Mr. Murison.’

The man in charge had finally shown up.

‘That was quite a problem you set me last week, but I think I’ve solved it.  I’m going to give you your own PTI.’

He was smiling but not pleasantly.  ‘Would you like to line your men up so I can introduce you?’

‘Would you chaps like to line up for the introductions.’  They bunched up in a half-assed line either side of me.

‘You’ll like this man, even the SAS.  Had to RTU him for being far too zealous.  Sergeant Barnes.’

‘Sir.’  The reply shook the building, and it appeared, six foot, eyes of blue and built like a shithouse.

‘Jesus,’ somebody exclaimed.

About 17 stone of beef and muscle slammed to a quivering halt.  ‘This is your new squad Sergeant Barnes; I’ll leave you to get acquainted.’

He wondered off to the sidelines to watch.  The big Sergeants face was a mask of total disbelief.  A large scar, which ran down the right side of his face from just under his eye until it disappeared into his PT top, began to turn red with indignation.  ‘Ehh- yuck.’  No prizes for guessing who, and the scar turned crimson.  I suppose the rest of us didn’t help any by snickering at the remark.  He towered over the unperturbed Abie quivering in rage.  ‘Who the fuck do you think you are.’

‘Me, I’m an international superstar and sex idol,’ answered Abie picking some belly fluff from his navel and pinging it at him.  ‘Why, what the fuck’s it got to d’ wí you?’

We watched with bated breath as David took on Goliath.  A tremor ran down the giant’s body.  Abie raised an eyebrow.  He backed off eyeing us with undisguised disgust.  We must have been the biggest slap in the face he’d ever had.  Wheeling away to a storeroom he came back with two pairs of boxing gloves.  He thrust a pair at Abie.  ‘Let’s see if your fists are as quick as your mouth little man.’  He handed the other pair to Davie Whitton, who regarded them with the same disdain as he would a big shit on his operating table, then dropped them onto the floor.  I went over and picked them up.  Then took Abe’s off him.

‘Who are you?’  He snarled at me.

‘It doesn’t matter to you who or what we are at this moment Sergeant.’

‘Bunch of choncy bastards.’

‘Really, what makes you think that?’

His eyes flicked over towards his boss.  ‘Why?’  He growled.

‘This may be your stomping ground but I’m still an officer and you still have to address me as such, correct?’

I caught the head honcho give him the nod.  ‘Yes sir.’  It was grudged.

‘I suppose as we’re not here for training or under your direct supervision, you could stand to attention too.’  The sniggering started up again as he hesitantly came to attention hating every second of it, but laughter burst forth when I started walking round him bouncing the gloves off his face one by one.  By the time I’d hit him with the fourth he was close. 

‘I have to admit I’ve rarely met someone quite so fucking ugly.’  They were howling with delight by this time.  ‘I bet you frighten off all the little girls with a face like that.  Is that what your problem is sergeant, can’t get the girlies, have to put do with the little boys uh!’  I stood in front of him offering up my chin invitingly.  I must have been mad.  ‘Been doing a bit of brown holing have you- you know some itty-bitty botty bashing.’

By god he was fast and his knuckles creased my cheek, but as he was swaying off balance.  I dipped and came up underneath him.  My small hands dug up under his rib cage, lifting him off his feet.

‘What a fucking punch,’ squealed Abie.

I’d knocked just enough wind out of him to be able to walk round behind the sprawling man.  The skintight tracksuit gave me a perfect target.  I lashed out with a heel and the fight, if you could call it that was over.  Buff and Davie stopped the head PTI from getting involved.  I grabbed him by the scar tissue on his face and lifted him to his feet he came unresistingly.

‘I don’t know where you got your information from Sergeant, but If I ever find out who’s been talking openly about us I’ll have the Brigadier drop on their heads from a great height.’  I looked meaningfully at the head PTI who beat a hasty retreat at my words.  ‘I hope this has reassured you, we’re not conscientious objectors.’