Action: A Book About Sex (18 page)

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Spit? Swallow? Get it all over thine face?
What you do when a person is coming depends on your taste in both literal and figurative senses.
De gustibus non est disputatem
, and neither is how you choose to receive come. A secret: Lots of dudes privately love their own semen, as delivered mouth-to-mouth. There’s always exploring that option!

Where to Position Yourself

Penetrative sex, whether you’re having it vaginally or anally, can be approached from many different angles. You can be creative here without pretzeling yourself and your partner into an overly ambitious, tantric-ass tangle! It might sound boring, but I like positions that allow me to see as much of my person’s body as possible—especially the ones I don’t get to when they’re clothed—which sometimes means missionary. Any way you can fit your body with your person’s, or with a toy that they’re using, is right as long as you like it. Try combinations of face-to-face, face-to-floor, face-against-a-mirror,
et alia
, of which you can conceive, and you’ll know where to position yourself forever after.

AN INTRODUCTION TO ASS

Anal stimulation is in a class of its own, pleasure-wise, regardless of your gender or sexuality. It’s up to you whether you find this “gross” or not, but I’m disinclined to write off something so matchlessly hot as “ew totally disgusting.” You use every other appendage or orifice mentioned here for more than one function, and hands, if there were some argument to be made about which are least hygienic, take the cake. But I’m not the kind to raise those points in reality.

If you’re freaked out by anything anal, please try to suspend your anxiety for a moment and consider the following: Taking something near or in your ass feels good like no other sexual contact—it’s entirely its own brand of rad. The amount of next-day accolades I’ve received from a person who was trying anything anal-related for the first time could fill a modest trophy case with obscene-looking statuettes. The reward of easing into this bit by bit far outweighs the non-risk of feeling dirty. Look: I can’t handle bathroom jokes because I find them excessive, and I love to eat ass.

If you’re skittish for a more identity-based reason… why? I’ve encountered male partners who worried that it means that they are WAY GAY, or at least effeminate. I’m offended by both “concerns”—what’s so horrific about being either, bro? However: I also understand that, from mondo-young ages, men are very often socialized to believe that either state, as doubled up with manhood, renders them unlovable, undesirable, and of lower worth than more traditionally masculine dudes. It’s so dumb. To put this in terms with which people of other genders might be able to better empathize: You know how hyperaware women are that it’s ruinously devaluing, or at least distracting, to buy the lie that you have to be two-dimensionally thin (except, of course, in your butt and chest zones), pretty, and otherwise SUPER-FEMME? You know how, sometimes, it doesn’t matter how gravely you know
that that’s bull hockey—you just want someone to tell you you’re beautiful, goddamnit??? Even the most well-intentioned men can go through similar mental capitulations—they know better than to assume “masculine” poses, but if they’re observed making other kinds, it’s hurtful, depending on who’s looking. Gender norms brand you for life!!! They’re so awesome that way.

If you’re with a dude who is nervous on this front (or if you are one who’s looking to tell a partner you want to try this), a helpful reminder is that men’s bodies are anatomically designed to respond to prostrate stimulation. It has zero to do with gender-subversion unless you want it to (which is awesome, also, but maybe not the best immediate lead-in for anxious straight men who are just getting started in this arena). If the concern is that this means you have a manufacturer’s error, sexually, for curiosity about more than straight-up vaginal penetration, please be bolstered by the reality that openness about sexual experiments of this and every ilk gives partners proof that you’re a worthwhile fuck.

Outside of societal anxieties, the recipient may be worried about pain. I am sympathetic to this: If executed hastily, which is to say without lube or foreplay, or by receiving too much, too soon, anal penetration can definitely hurt. A lucky truth: Avoiding pain is so much easier than screwing up. All you have to do is get ready, which is hot in its own right.

Have your partner lie comfortably facedown on the bed. A from-the-back approach is the most intuitive at first. Spread their legs with your hands so that you can see. With your whole tongue, lick slowly up and down, then back and forth, and keep it light when you start so that it’s kind of a tease and they find themselves wanting you to do more. Pretend you’re giving highly concentrated head: Instead of a whole genital area, you’ve just got this one quarter-sized circumference to deal with. Ease your tongue in and see what happens. As you’re touching them, be sure to also work some area of their body that you know makes them feel good in any other sexual configuration.

If you’re inserting a finger (or anything else), make certain you’ve got plenty of lube close at hand (and all over your hands). Drench your person’s orifice and whatever’s going in it before penetrating them with a single finger. Rub your partner’s asshole and slowly insert one. Lead with more fingers, then whatever else you have in mind. If you don’t have a penis, you don’t necessarily need a sex toy—it’s up to you and your partner how much is enough. Whether you use a synthetic appendage or just your hands, pay attention to pain—your partner will help you. Start slow for the first few times, at least.

Let’s (Not) Spend the Night Together

The main thing to keep in mind about choosing to spend the night at someone else’s, or having them board at yours for the evening, is that it shouldn’t connote any extra affection—
or
any lack thereof. If someone asks you to big-spoon them for the evening, it doesn’t mean that they foresee your being part of the same place setting in the future. They might just be trying to be considerate, or angling for morning sex when you’re both actually sober and at the height of your powers again, or maybe they just want to be ladle-cradled for a few hours. So don’t go registering for a towel set embroidered with your two sets of initials in preparation for your imminent marriage after you split the next morning.

I am of the opposite school: In most cases, unless I DO want to date someone (and still even then), I am apt to split—or, if I’m at my place, say, “Can I walk you out? Do you need me to call you a car?” to the would-be spooner whom I’d rather have not occupy my bedspread. This is not always the case, but it is most of the time: I want to snooze by myself.

It doesn’t mean I don’t like them, or that I didn’t have a great time. I find that sleeping next to someone, and then waking up all blearified the next morning and continuing to hang, is more intimate than I usually like to get with casual partners.
Seeing me naked is one thing—bodies are bodies, and mine hasn’t altered that fact in either direction—but seeing me with my mascara smeared out to both of my temples, making jovial chatter at my favorite diner for reading or sharing an appetizer sampler among friends? WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, LET’S KEEP THIS LIGHT.

I’m an insomniac who worries over disturbing another person, but even if I am tired, I can be funny about the marital-feeling arrangement of snoozing side by side. I get all like, “DON’T YOU KNOW I PREFER ONION RINGS TO ENGAGEMENT ONES, YOU INTERLOPER? I did not know you murmured in your sleep, which is cute, but very intimate.” I say it way more politely, and with plenty more omissions, than that.

My manners are unerring when it comes to all my partners, even the lackluster ones. Wanting to be considerate is
why
I ask them to leave—I don’t want to end up resenting them for fulfilling what is maybe the very most basic and blameless human need after we involve ourselves in another less-essential but still-really-essential one.

There are extenuating considerations here, so a good rule of thumb if you’re as hard-lined about these things as I tend to be: Try not to have sex with anyone you wouldn’t also be amenable to waking up near, and don’t have sex with someone in a place, physical or emotional, that would cause you to be hurt if you were asked to leave it.

I would MUCH rather that most of my paramours hit the road after we get together, but I compromise if it’s egregiously late at night, if they’re inebriated, if I can tell they’ll feel totally uncomfortable or wounded if I ask them to scram (it’s not that I’m advocating for placing someone’s needs above your own ALL the time—it’s just that, in this instance, I don’t care
that
much), or if I anticipate the sunny-side-up sex with the good egg beside me will be just the thing. In those cases, they are free to come chomp fried foods at the diner with me come sunrise (well, more like high noon, if it’s a weekend), despite all that that is bound
to reveal about
the interiors of my deepest heart
. (I never said I was not a steadfast lunatic.)

If these concerns are not in play, I’m very delicate about how to withhold an extended invitation minus any perceived rancor toward my guest. Odds are, I had a lovely time and would be mortified to communicate anything to the contrary. When I have cause to believe someone might take my real feelings poorly, I pull out a true excuse.

I have a job that requires twelve-hour days of me, many of which I log at home while the rest of the world sleeps next to their sexual partners peacefully. I can guilelessly plead work obligations, a lot of the time. If you’re having sex with me, you very likely already have come to know how heartily I prioritize working—
even more than sex
, if you can believe it—and expect this outcome.

In some situations, I’ve had to use suaver language to give people the slip. I do this mostly by being honest, but if this sounds convincing enough to work for you, I exhort you to swipe my technique. Try to save it for a bit longer than the precise moment after climax, though, for kindness’s sake: “I’m so glad you/I came over—hanging out with you rules and I like you a lot. [IMPORTANT NOTE: Say that very last part only if it’s true.] I have lots of work I’ve got to get done by first thing in the morning. I don’t want you to feel rushed or uncomfortable, so I think it’s probably best if we call it here, while I’m still mobile and halfway presentable.” If you want to see them again, end by saying when.

It’s best to get your intentions re: the length of any visit cleared up prior to arrival, whether you’re the host or the guest. If I am visiting someone, I like to say, “Can I come over for a few hours before I have to go back to work/before my big day tomorrow?” or, if a person’s coming around mine, “Want to stop by for [INSERT JUST-UNDER-MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF HOURS I CAN ALLOT FOR SEXUAL MAYHEM HERE] before I’ve got to get ready for tomorrow/to go do [INSERT NON-SEXUAL-MAYHEM ACTIVITY HERE]?” That way, no one’s feelings are at risk of being surprise-attacked by my very attractively aloof and freakadocious schedule/need for privacy.

If you prefer that someone spend the night, or that you monopolize their zone for the evening, say that outright! “Do you want to sleep here?” or, “Can I come over tonight and stay with you?” are just as sexy as less time-specific invitations—and less confusing. If your bedmate has the same poise that you do, they will say yes and then make good on that promise, or do like me and say, “I can’t stay over, but I can come by,” and then you are free to make whatever decision you need to based on that updated timeframe.

SWEET EVERYTHINGS

Do you want to talk some good filth, but remain perhaps too nervous? Clear your throat and read this lexicon of non-wince-inducing things to say mid-liaison, complete with instructive ideas about when to dispatch each of them! Note: The following passage does not include the phrases “flesh bundle,” “yonic wizard,” or any of Jim Carrey’s “hit” catchphrases from either of the blockbuster hit franchises
The Mask
or
Ace Ventura
, aka the erotic lexicon I was very tempted to pass off as “smutsational” in this passage. Somebody stopped me… and that “somebody” was my own danged moral conscience. Fine! Or should I say…
all righty, then
…