Across Eternity (20 page)

Amber watched Logan’s back closely as he walked outside. Glancing back
down, she saw that he wasn’t finished with the salad. The carrots and
celery still hadn’t been chopped. Goosebumps broke out across her skin as
she looked back at the door. Leaving this wasn’t like him. If he started
something he always finished it. It was a discipline, which had allowed him to
accomplish all that he had. It didn’t matter if it was big or small, he
finished the job.

She wanted to talk to him but she resisted the urge to run after him.
Instead, she watched him for a moment as he lit the grill. Deciding, he was
okay, she quickly chopped the carrots and the celery, tossed them in the salad,
and then put the bowl in the refrigerator.

"It’s preheating." Logan said when he came back in. He
reached for his wine next to her.

"These are just about done." Amber smiled gently at him hoping
her concern didn’t find its way into her voice. "I think the kabobs
would be good served on rice. We can pour the leftover marinade on top of
it."

"I’ll get the rice."

"That’s okay. I’m finished with this. The rice will take a
little while. Why don’t you catch the headline news while I finish up in
here.
I’ll join you in just a minute."

"No, I want to help."

She wiped her hands on a dishtowel. "Logan—"

"Damnit."

Amber jumped when the glass in Logan’s hand fell, exploding as it hit
the floor, sending glass and wine everywhere. When she looked at Logan she saw
his stunned expression. But it wasn’t his expression that worried her. It
was the way his hand was pressed to his head, like he was lightheaded and
trying to fight it. "Logan?"

He swept his hand through his hair. "I’m okay.
I’m…I’m…fine. It just slipped out of my hand."

She looked at the mess on the floor and then back to him. Her look of disbelief
matched his.

Squatting down, Amber flipped open the door to the cabinet
that held the trashcan.
Grabbing it, she slid it across the floor and
then began picking up glass.

"Let me get it," he insisted. "I don’t want you to
cut yourself."

She touched his hand, biting her lip when she felt it tremble under hers.
"It’s all right, I’ve got it." She watched him as he
turned away from her and moved to the sink where he ran a washcloth under the
water.

"Here," he said.

"Thank you. I’ll take care of this. Go watch the news."

"I don’t want to watch the news," he replied much too
quickly.

Amber dropped a large piece of glass into the trash and looked up at him.

"I’m sorry for snapping. I feel like you’re sending me
away."

She stood up, feeling apprehension as she moved beside him. "Of course
not," she assured. "You haven’t eaten in hours, you’re
probably tired. I can handle dinner."

"I know you can." He nodded and then lifted her chin with a
finger so he could look in her eyes. "Don’t look at me like
that."

She blew out a long breath that she felt like she had been holding forever.
"I’m sorry." Her body began to shake and she fought to calm
her insides. "You’re sure you’re fine?"

"Yes." He pressed his thumb against her lips. "I’ll
put the kabobs on."

She nodded.

"I’m just clumsy today that’s all."

Reaching for the platter of kabobs she turned and handed it to him.

The next day, Logan decided to take the day off. After a light breakfast and
a quick skimming of the newspapers, they headed out the back door, down the
steps, toward the well-worn path. The morning air was cool and it was perfect
for taking a walk. Taking their time, they hiked to his quiet spot.

"Do you get deer up here?" she asked.

"Yes, they are all over the hills. They used to come into my yard, but
my mom sprays something that keeps them out. I never really minded them but
they can be pretty destructive. She has a fit when she sees they’ve
nibbled on the plants."

Amber paused as she viewed the hillside. It was beautifully covered in
deep-green ferns and small, brightly colored wildflowers. She hadn’t
noticed how picturesque it was the last time they were there.

"Do you see something?"

She started walking again. "No, I’m just looking. Actually
taking in how beautiful everything is." Then she added, "You know,
I’ve never seen a deer in real life. We saw a lot of animals when we
traveled, but I don’t believe we saw any deer."

"I don’t think we did. Maybe tonight we can go for a drive
further up the mountain. I’m sure we can see them up there."

"That sounds nice." She jumped off a rock. "How are you
feeling?"

He looked over his shoulder and smiled at her. "Much better now that
I’ve rested."

"You did sleep well last night," she agreed. She had woken
several times throughout the night to check on him. She has been surprised each
time when she found him quietly sleeping. "I’m glad you’re
taking the day off."

"Me too.
This is nice."

He took her hand in his and helped her through the last few turns before it
opened into the clearing.

Her eyes were immediately drawn to the vista. "I don’t think I
could ever get tired of this view."

They moved to a huge boulder and sat down. "Me neither," Logan
agreed.

"I was hoping there wouldn’t be any fog this early in the
morning."

"The paper said it was going to be clear."

She stared at the unobstructed, sweeping view marveling at its grandeur.
"I need to remember to bring my camera and take a picture of this. How
many people get to see views like this?"

"Not many."

She leaned into Logan.

They sat like that for an hour, looking out at the view and talking. They
talked about their trip, reminiscing about different challenges they had not
only seen but also experienced. They shared the different people and their
situations that had inspired them. They even talked about the revelations they
discovered within themselves.

"I told you traveling would teach you a lot," Logan said.

"I didn’t realize that it would teach me so much about myself. I
never knew I could adjust and adapt so well. I started out hating surprises,
never wanting to try anything new." She turned to him. "I have
learned the inherent value of the day. I now know why you like to watch the sun
rise and set. There are unlimited possibilities in between each one."

"Yes, and that goes for all of us, no matter where we live in the
world."

"I don’t think I would have understood that before the
trip."

"Experiencing it does bring it all into perspective." Standing,
Logan offered Amber his hand. Pulling her off the rock he asked. "You
ready to head back."

"Sure."

* * * *

Amber hummed to herself as she finished drying the last of the lunch dishes.
She smiled when Logan came from behind her and kissed the base of her neck.
Hooking his finger in the collar of her shirt he pulled it down to expose her
shoulder. Nipping the area with his teeth, his hands moved from her hips to her
breasts. Cupping them he lifted their weight in his hands.

"I called my mom and I asked her not to come next weekend," he
said.

She turned around in his arms and placed several of her own kisses.
"Why not?
I have gifts for Kevin and I wanted to ask
your sister what I should do with all those pictures—" It was his
stare that silenced her.

He kissed her again.

"What is it?" She dodged his next kiss. "Stop and tell
me."

"Let me finish kissing you first."

"Logan."

At that moment the phone rang. Logan left her standing there as he moved
into the next room to answer it. "Yes, this is he." He was quiet
for a moment. "Yes, I read over it. There are no
changes,
everything is just how I wanted it. Yes, I’ve already signed it and sent
it off." He nodded as he listened. "That’s correct. My
accountant has any other information you might need."

Logan looked up to see Amber standing with her arms folded across her chest,
staring at him with watchful eyes. He smiled at her but she didn’t smile
back. "I’ll let you know if I need anything else. Thank you, I
appreciate you expediting this." Setting down the phone he stared at her.

"You sounded serious," she hesitated and then added.
"Really serious."

"I was serious. I was taking care of some loose ends." He saw
the look in her eyes. "I don’t want to burden anyone with the nasty
details of an estate."

"Is there a reason you’re taking care of it now?"

"I’ve been taking care of it," he said matter-of-factly.
"Just recently I’ve made some changes."

"You know what I mean. Why are you expediting it?" When he
didn’t speak she shook her head. "Seriously, Logan, you’re
not going to answer me?"

"Let’s sit."

"I don’t want to sit," she snapped out the words.

He waited a moment, looking around aimlessly as he contemplated and decided.
"I think it’s time," he whispered.

The numbing sensation started at the top of her head and swept down her body
causing her knees to buckle. Amber would have been on the floor if it
weren’t for Logan’s arms circulating around her waist, holding her
weight. He was speaking, she knew he was because she could see his mouth
moving, but she couldn’t hear anything he was saying. Her head felt heavy
and as she came out of the haze of numbness she heard his voice slowly come
into focus.

"Amber, talk to me."

She stared at him, her blue eyes expressionless. "What?" she
gasped.

"Are you okay?"

"I don’t mean that.
Before that."
Her voice came out strangely small and quiet. "What did you say before
that?"

He looked at her, not sure how to say it. "I’m ready."

"Now?"

He nodded.

"Not now." She shook her head in disbelief. "Please, not
now."

"Is there a time that is better for you?" he asked calmly.

"Don’t sound so casual. I’m not scheduling a hair
appointment." She pulled out of his embrace, willing her legs to carry
her weight as she moved away from him. "You haven’t been feeling
well have you?"

He shook his head.

"When?"

"It started when we were traveling." He leaned against the wall.
"Headaches, dizziness, sometimes stomachaches.
Nothing major."
He watched her closely.
"I’m tired."

"You’re never tired," she said breathlessly.

"I know."

She was so stunned she could only stare at him as a flurry of confusion
filled her mind. "We did too much, didn’t we? It was too much on
you." She hesitated, trying to maintain her voice. "Why
didn’t you tell me? We didn’t have to travel. We could have stayed
here."

"It wasn’t the traveling, Amber."

Irrational optimism surfaced. "You need to rest. Once you’ve
rested you’ll be fine."

"We’ve been home for weeks. I’ve rested."

"Well, maybe you need a little more."

Logan shook his head.

"Let’s go to a doctor."

He shook his head. "No doctors."

"Why?"

"They can’t help me, Amber."

All the hope that had so quickly consumed her, faded as she angled her head
and watched him. "Is that why you don’t want your family to
come?"

"Yes."

"Don’t you want to see them before, before—" God,
she couldn’t even say it. She didn’t have to because it hovered in
the air between them. He gave her a look that said haven’t we been
through this. She knew he was right but it didn’t feel right. It was too
soon. They needed more time. "We need more time together."

"We don’t have any more time."

"Don’t say that," she gasped.

"You tell me how you want to do this." He watched her moved
around the room. "Tell me how to ease you into this."

Amber brought her trembling hands to her face and cupped them over her
mouth. "I can’t do this," she whispered into her palms as if
it had just dawned on her.

"Nothing has changed."

She noticed he looked calm. Not surprised, afraid, or sad, just calm.
"I feel like it has…I feel like so much has changed."

"But it hasn’t."

She watched him as he moved across the room and stopped in front of her. He
reached for her hands and pulled them away. His eyes were warm and considerate
as she stared at him.

"For reasons we may never understand—"

She couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t handle how easy this
was for him. Suddenly, with both hands she shoved him as hard as she could in
his chest. "Goddamnit, don’t be so calm." Her fingers tore
through her hair as she tried to push the wild wisps from her eyes.

"How do you want me to be, Amber? You know how I feel."

Her eyes lifted to connect with his. "I love you."

He didn’t move.

Amber took a step toward him again just so she could pound on his chest a
few more times. "I love you. Do you hear me?"

"I hear you," he didn’t fight back nor did he move out of
the way of her hammering fists.

"Then you can’t expect me to do this."

He remained quiet.

Tears fell from her eyes in hot, large droplets. The harder she cried the
harder she pushed him. "I can’t do this," she shouted.
"I can’t."

"Yes, you can."

She became completely still.

"You did it with Heather," he reminded her. "Look at
me." Using a finger, he lifted her chin. "Amber, you know there are
some things in life that can’t be changed. This is one of them."

She shook her head and fought against him and the words he was speaking.

"You of all people understand. Please, listen to me."

"I don’t want to listen. I can’t do this. I won’t do
this to someone I love."

"You understand that this is what must happen."

"I don’t understand," she cried. Her voice was nothing
more than out of control sobs. "I don’t understand."

"Yes, you do." He pushed her hair back.
"Shh,
shh
."

She shook her head. "This doesn’t have to happen. All you have
to do is make the decision not to go through with it."

"It doesn’t work that way. Could Heather make that
decision?"

"It’s not the same. Stop comparing yourself to her." She
found his eyes. His
composed,
his peaceful, beautiful
blue eyes. "I love you more than anything in the world. Can’t you
understand that?"

He took a heavy breath and when he spoke his words were heartfelt. "Do
you know how beautiful that sounds coming from your lips?"

Her eyes pleaded with his.
"Beautiful enough to make
you want to stay."

"Amber—" he couldn’t continue because he could feel
her shuttered against his chest as she clung to him. "It’s okay.
You’re okay." He stroked her hair. "We’re going to be
okay."

"I need you."

"I need you too."

"But they’re for two completely different reasons. You need me
to be there when you die and I need you to be here with me as I live."

Logan held her face between his hands. The wild blue spinning in her eyes
matched his. But his wild was filled with compassion and
understanding
while hers was fear
and doubt. "Trust me. Please, trust me."
His thumbs traced over her cheeks, gathering tears and pushing them aside. Her
chest heaved against his and he held her close. If he let her go he’d
never be able to get her back. "Settle down. And let’s think about
this. Feel in your heart—".

"You’re the only thing I feel in my heart." She shoved at
him.
Pounded on his chest because he wouldn’t step away
from her.
"You know what I want," she demanded. "I
want you to stay here. Here with me. I don’t care if I’m being
selfish. I want you, Goddamnit." She shouted the words in his face, her
voice rough and angry. "And I want you to want me enough to stay."

He winced at her statement.

She felt the hysterics rise and she backed out of his embrace, looking
around the room frantically.

"What are you doing," he questioned.

Finding her purse she slipped it over shoulder.

"Stay," he said intensely.

"Why, so you can change my mind?"

"No, because I have no idea how to get you back once you leave."

She whispered brokenly. "I’m not coming back."

"Don’t go."

"You need to let me go," she said despondently.

"I can’t," he whispered fiercely. "Don’t you
think I would if I could? That first night at
The Pavilion
I would have
walked away if I could. I would have left and never put you through any of
this. But I couldn’t. Just seeing you wasn’t enough. It’s
never enough." He balled up his fist. "Amber, please. Don’t
walk out that door."

"Logan just let me go. It’s time for us to end." She never
looked back as she ran through the house, grabbed the keys, jumped in the car,
and sped off.