accidental 11 - accidentally ever after (6 page)

Now he smiled again in understanding, as though they were speaking his language. “Have you paid passage on a ship? I can be your guide to the ocean in less than seven days. What is the name of the ship you plan to sail upon?”

Nina brushed her hands together, her full lips going thin. “Yep. We’re fucked, folks.”

Marty poked Nina in the shoulder. “You don’t know that.” Then she turned to Jon, her blue eyes widening in a flirtatious manner. “Here’s our dilemma, Jon. We don’t know how we got here in the first place, but we’re not from your…your…”

“Realm,” Toni offered as she burrowed under Jon’s vest, her tone dry.

“Well lookit you, all speaking the native tongue,” Nina said sarcastically, giving Toni’s shoulder a thump of her hand. “If it wasn’t for you, I’d be at home on the Island right now reading my kid a Christmas story and putting her to bed so I could hunker down on the couch with my man in my very own castle. You heard what that nutbag Brenda The Sticky Sweet Witch said,
you
wished us here to medieval hell. This is on you.”

“Brenda?” Jon asked, his spine suddenly rigid, his tone aware. “You’ve encountered the Good Witch of the South?”

“Yeah, with all her big hair and whistles. The biscuits-and-gravy lady says we can’t leave here unless we take this one to the castle for her happily-ever-after.”

Jon’s face cleared again, his head bobbing at Nina. “Of course, of course. You were summoned to the realm of Shamalot because you were unhappy with your life?”

Toni wondered if this kind of thing happened often.

“Has this happened before?” Marty asked, tilting her head and asking the question Toni wasn’t able to put into a proper sentence.

“Often people visit the realm to see the king and ask that their wishes be granted,” Jon provided. “But no one from your land of Jersey, as I recollect. So is this why you have come to Shamalot—because you are unhappy?”

Why she cared if Jon knew she was unhappy or otherwise was unsettling, but somehow, it left her uneasy. “I’m not unhappy!” She felt like she needed to say as much again for Jon’s benefit—all out in the open.

“You work at an outlet mall. No one’s happy makin’ minimum wage and working for that yippy blonde with her dresses that’ll change your life,” Nina remarked, flicking her hard curls from her face.

Finally, she couldn’t take the guilt anymore. It rose up like a swell of remorse and overflowed all over the women. “Okay fine, lady. It’s true. I wished I were anywhere but there today. I didn’t even say it out loud, for hell’s sake. I only thought it. But haven’t you ever done that? Like ‘Wow, I wish I was watching paint dry instead of sitting through this movie’?”

Nina nodded, her curls beginning to fall flat from the heavy snow. “You mean like right frickin’ now?”

Toni let her hands drop to her sides with a slap against the lavish material of her dress. “It was metaphoric, for the love of Cheetos! I didn’t mean dump me and every person within twenty feet into a land with no running water!”

Jon placed a light hand on Toni’s arm, a hand that wrought all sorts of chills and dirty, dirty visuals. “What is a movie and Cheetos?”

Nina tapped his broad shoulder with a frown. “Oh, Jesus and a Renaissance fair—forget the damn movie, Flawless. Just tell us how to get the hell out of here!”

“I am
Jon
, for future reference. And I don’t know how you do that, My Lady of Discontent,” he shot back, towering over Nina, his jaw rigid. “I only know the rules of the realm, and they are, you must do as Brenda The Good Witch says. I can assist, of course, but I can’t detour and keep you from your happiness. As a member of the League of Fairy Godmothers, surely you know that.”

“How in the fresh hell do you know I’m a fairy godmother?” Nina growled at him, flashing her teeth.

He twirled his finger in the air around his head with an impish grin that made Toni melt. “The wings are a dead giveaway, but if not for them, then the hair. It’s all about the very large hair.”

“Okay, everyone just stop!” Wanda ordered, hiking up her skirts and squaring her shoulders. “We’re getting nowhere like this. Obviously, the realm or whatever wants us to take Toni to the castle and leaving isn’t an option. Now, it’s not like we’re strangers to an odd crisis or…what is it, now…eleven crises? We’re just not usually a party to them in quite this way. That said, we’re going to do what we do on every other case we’ve ever had—help the client. So buckle up, biotches, quit complaining, and let’s get Toni to the castle.”

The client? Cases? Toni held up a frozen red hand. “Well, hold on. Who says Brenda’s the final word on what’s what? Again I ask, what if I don’t want to go to the castle?”

“What if I drag you and your boogie shoes the entire way?”

Jon stepped between Nina and Toni, his hand going to his hip, where a silver sword sat. “I cannot allow you to harm the fair maiden.”

Nina snorted in Jon’s face and looked up at him, her eyes gleaming as she yanked her sunglasses off. “Here’s the score, Pretty Boy,
no one
tells me what’s allowed.”

Jon placed a hand at Toni’s waist and pushed her behind him. “I warn you, milady, I’m trained in the art of the sword. You do not want to do battle with me.”

Nina rocked back on her heels with a sly smile. “Oh really? Well, I’m trained in the art of carnage, buddy. You don’t want to see your innards wrapped around a tree, do you?”

Jon lifted his chin, the glimpse she caught of his eyes as she tried to get between them dark and stormy. “That would be heartily unpleasant, but no woman has come to harm while on my watch, and
none
ever will.”

Toni removed Jon’s hand from her waist—and if she were honest, reluctantly so—then stepped between he and Nina. “Look, this is my fault. I did this to all of us, I’ll fix it. You three and Carl go on about your business, and I’ll find my way to the castle myself. I’m no stranger to hoofing it alone.”

Wanda yanked a glove off and tapped Nina in the head with it. “She most certainly will not. This was an accident, Nina. You know, that thing we specialize in? Besides, you heard what Brenda said—it has to be us who takes her to the castle in order for us to all leave, and besides that, when was the last time we abandoned someone in their hour of need?
Never
. That’s when. Now you take Carl and go scout us out a place to stay for the night. Marty can find us some wheels; I’ll look for the nearest food court. We ride at dawn!”

Jon held up a broad hand tipped with lean, sun-browned fingers. “I can provide you with all those things, if you’ll allow me. And I can certainly be your guide to Castle Beckett.”

“You know the way to the castle?” Marty asked. “Smart
and
delicious. Phew. Ice pack, please!” she chirped on a giddy chuckle, her wings picking up their thumping pace.

“If you’ll all follow me through the woods, I’d be happy to shelter you for the night and we’ll begin our journey in the morning, yes?”

Nina stopped him with a flat palm to his shoulder. “What’s the going rate for shelter ’round Fairyland, Jon Doe?”

“Rate?” he asked, his gorgeous face confused.

Nina rubbed her fingers together. “Yeah, you know, like sheckles or rupies or a cow, or whatever the fuck it is you Robin Hoods want as a fee for using your facilities. Name your price, because I’m not going anywhere with you until we have some clear rules.”

Jon’s face went from confused to horrified in seconds. “I would never require a single pence as compensation for sheltering members of the League of Fairy Godmothers. It’s against the rules of the realm and punishable by death.”

“Oh, thank God,” Marty murmured, her body visibly relaxing. “Because I have no idea where my purse is. Not to mention my cell phone. How are we going to call the boys and tell them we won’t be home for dinner, Wanda?”

Jon turned to look down at them all, ignoring Marty’s chatter. “Are we in agreement?”

Nina eyed him for a brief, uncomfortable moment before she said, “I’m givin’ you fair warning, buddy. One wrong move, one shady shift of your eyes, and I’ll kill you. You won’t have time to use your sword if your Motel Six turns out to be Motel Hell. Got it?”

“What is a Motel Six?”

Jeez, he was cute when he was confused.

Wanda rolled her eyes and patted Jon’s arm. “Ignore her and just take us somewhere warm, please.”

But Jon didn’t budge. He placed a hand over his heart. “I would never soil my reputation. Rest assured, you’re safe with me. Now, shall we?”

He gallantly held out his arm to Toni who took it with little reluctance. She was damn cold and her feet were like blocks of ice. The sun had set, casting a purple haze over the clearing in the village, making her shiver again. She almost didn’t care if they stayed in a pup tent.

They met back up with Dannan The Ogre who clearly knew Jon and offered to aide them in their quest to the castle.

As she hung on to Jon Doe The Stable Boy, his broad back her marker through the thickening haze of snow, she stumbled and tripped her way toward wherever they were going.

And still, even with the wind and snow lashing their faces, the bitter cold making her eyes water, this was a cakewalk compared to closing the store with Bree breathing down her neck, demanding she move faster so she could go home and play with her friends on Facebook.

For that much, she was grateful.

* * * *

Jon forced himself to remain calm, yet his heart crashed in his chest so loudly, he worried the others would hear its harsh thump. As he held Toni’s hand, helping her over logs, pushing the brush from their path, he stole glances at her.

Good realms, she was beautiful. Her hair was like fire, dancing over her slender back and resting on her rounded hips, her eyes the color of the green gemstones he and his brother once dove for during summers at the lake.

She possessed lips he wished to press his fingers to in order to discover if they were as soft and plump as he imagined.

She smelled of the breeze in the summer, a hint of honeysuckle on the vine mingling with the lavender his mother used to grow.

This Toni was intoxicating, leaving him with a tight chest and a heady heart, and he didn’t understand this feeling. One he’d never felt before.

He’d never heard of this land she claimed to hail from, but he reminded himself to consult a map the moment he could get his hands on one.

In the meantime, he had to return her to the castle—a treacherous journey to be sure. Though, possibly not for the pale goddess whose title was Nina. She’d almost made him cringe as she’d glared at him and threatened his very life, her pale skin a pretty canvass for her darkly disturbing almond-shaped eyes.

And how was it she was mother to a reindeer? It was absurd. Did this land called Jersey have a new species of reindeer he’d not encountered?

And how odd that Toni had the king’s shoes. He vaguely remembered some sort of scandal at the last ball the king held, but he paid no mind to the matters of Castle Beckett these days.

As they approached his modest cottage and stables, the glow of the warm fire inside beckoning, these were the things he pondered.

But what he pondered most heavily upon was Toni—and how he was going to simply hand over this beautiful creature to the king when the time came and why, after only just meeting her, was he left with an emotion so strong?

Chapter 4

W
hen last I left you, dear readers, the three fair maidens and a zombie named Carl were all shopping for Christmas, full of joy and goodwill.

Okay, so not everyone was joyful over half-off scarves and maxi dresses, but you get the picture, right?

As you’ve witnessed firsthand, tragedy has struck our trio and their newfound fair maiden friend Toni. Well, mostly the tragedy centers around poor Toni, who’s never encountered a paranormal event and is now stuck in a land with no running water, shoes that are killing her arches, and the thoroughly impossible Nina, who’s being held captive by a yellow dress, poofy hair, fledgling wings and, soon to come—singing bluebirds, circling above her head in a joyous wreath of feathers and song.

Of course, you’d never know Toni was the fair maiden in crisis, for all the caterwauling Nina’s doing. But she’ll rally—this I promise.

As the group begins their journey through the Not So Sherwood Forest toward destination Castle Beckett after a long, restless night in an unknown land, treachery and deceit await them deep in the thick of the woods.

And again, I stress, some really bad dudes will continue to come their way.

For the wrathful Queen Angria from a neighboring land, is a queen so malevolent, so cruel she’d sell her own mother’s organs at a lemonade stand, is displeased—like, spitting mad.

Just this very moment, she’s been informed that the beautiful Toni is headed toward the castle, and while she has no flying monkeys to carry out her evil bidding, she’s got a buttload of ammunition up her sleeve. And Queen Angria will stop at nothing to prevent Toni from meeting King Dick’s son, Prince Iver Daring, hottie medieval bachelor and all-round winner-winner-chicken-dinner.

In other words, major husband material for the queen’s daughter, Resplendant.

The merging of the two rulers’ kingdoms would have created the ultimate in not just prime real estate, but power, the one thing Queen Angria craves above all else.

Resplendant was promised to Prince Iver at birth. But King Dick, in all his flukey-kooky notions, has decided Resplendant isn’t the maiden for his precious firstborn. This according to his soothsayer, the Great and Wonderful Roz. For as Roz peered into her mirror guide, she saw Prince Iver’s truest love, and well…her face wasn’t Resplendant’s.

During a session of esteemed counsel, Roz suggested King Dick wait for the Christmas Eve ball, when the prince’s true love will be revealed and Iver’s fate sealed.

Of course, King Dick, wanting nothing more than true, everlasting happiness for his son, sent word he was breaking his pact with the queen. On a scroll with an official seal and everything. Which means it’s a really important message, for those of you who aren’t from the realm.