Abuse, Trauma, and Torture - Their Consequences and Effects (18 page)

In the words of one such
IN:

"In the religious
culture I grew up in, women are SO suppressed, their roles are so
carefully restricted. They are the representation, in the flesh, of
all that is sinful, degrading, of all that is wrong with the
world.

These are the
negative gender/cultural images that were force fed to us the
negative 'otherness' of women, as defined by men, was fed to me. I
was so shy, withdrawn, unable to really relate to people at all
from as early as I can remember."

The IN is subjected
and exposed either to an overbearing, overvalued parent, or to an
aloof, detached, emotionally unavailable one – or to both – at an
early stage of his life.

"I grew up in the
shadow of my father who adored me, put me on a pedestal, told me I
could do or be anything I wanted because I was incredibly bright,
BUT, he ate me alive, I was his property and an extension of him. I
also grew up with the mounting hatred of my narcissist brother who
got none of this attention from our father and got no attention
from our mother either. My function was to make my father look
wonderful in the eyes of all outsiders, the wonderful parent with a
genius Wunderkind as his last child, and the only child of the six
that he was physically present to raise from the get go. The
overvaluation combined with being abjectly ignored or raged at by
him when I stepped out of line even the tiniest bit, was enough to
warp my personality."

The Invert is prevented from
developing full-blown secondary narcissism. The Invert is so
heavily preoccupied in his or her pre-school years with satisfying
the narcissistic parent, that the traits of grandiosity and
self-love, even the need for Narcissistic Supply, remain dormant or
repressed.

The Invert simply "knows" that
only the narcissistic parent can provide the requisite amount of
Narcissistic Supply. The narcissistic parent is so controlling that
any attempt to garner praise or adulation from any other source
(without the approval of the parent) is severely punished by swift
devaluation and even the occasional spanking or abuse (physical,
emotional, or sexual).

This is a vital part of the
conditioning that gives rise to inverted narcissism. Where the
narcissist exhibits grandiosity, the Invert is intensely
uncomfortable with personal praise, and wishes to always divert
praise away from himself onto his narcissist. This is why the IN
can only truly feel anything when she is in a relationship with
another narcissist. The IN is conditioned and programmed from the
very beginning to be the perfect companion to the narcissist. To
feed his Ego, to be purely his extension, to seek only praise and
adulation if it brings greater praise and adulation to her
narcissist.

The Inverted Narcissist's Survival
Guide

• Listen attentively to
  everything the narcissist says and agree with it all.
  Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is
  just fine, business as usual.
  

• Offer
  something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot
  obtain anywhere else.
  Also be prepared to line up future Sources of Primary NS for your
  narcissist because you will not be
  IT
  for very long, if at all. If you
  take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become
  that much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for
  them to pull their haughty stuff – an inevitability, in any
  case.
  

• Be endlessly patient and
  go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the
  Narcissistic Supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace
  (relatively speaking).
  

• Get tremendous personal
  satisfaction out of endlessly giving. This one may not be
  attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it
  proposition.
  

• Be absolutely emotionally
  and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need:
  the excitement and engulfment (i.e., NS) and refuse to get upset or
  hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb. Yelling back
  works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when
  you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the
  silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be
  devoid of emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll
  talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are
  behaving in a more reasonable fashion."
  

• If your narcissist is
  cerebral and not interested in having much sex, give yourself ample
  permission to have sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist
  is not indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of
  paramount importance.
  

• If your narcissist is
  somatic and you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but
  make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. They are
  heedless and very undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners
  and that can get very problematic (sexually Transmitted Diseases
  blackmail come to mind).
  

• If you are a "fixer"
  which most Inverted Narcissists are, focus on fixing situations,
  preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment
  delude yourself that you can actually fix the narcissist – it
  simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn – they
  just simply can't be fixed.
  

• If there is
  any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become
  aware of their condition, and (this is very important) with no
  negative implications or accusations in the process at all.
  It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being
  able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the
  limitations and benefits
  of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with
  these factors, rather than trying to change them.
  

• Finally, and most
  important of all for the Inverted Narcissist: get to know
  yourself.
  What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a
  masochist?
  Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?
  Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you
  are receiving in this relationship. Define the things that you find
  harmful to you. Develop strategies to minimise the harm to
  yourself.
  Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the
  narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited
  success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really
  harmful behaviours that affect you, which emanate from the
  unchangeable essence of the narcissist. This can only be
  accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open
  relationship.
  

The Inverted Narcissist can have
a reasonably good, long lasting relationship with the narcissist.
You must be prepared to give your narcissist a lot of space and
leeway.

You don't really exist for them
as a fully realised person – no one does. They are not fully
realised people so they cannot possibly have the skills, no matter
how smart or sexy, to be a complete person in the sense that most
adults are complete.

Somatic versus Cerebral Inverted
Narcissists (IN)

The Inverted Narcissist is really
an erstwhile narcissist internalised by the IN. Inevitably, we are
likely to find among the Inverted the same propensities,
predilections, preferences and inclinations that we do among proper
narcissists.

The cerebral IN is an IN whose
source of vicarious Primary Narcissistic Supply lies – through the
medium and mediation of a narcissist – in the exercise of his
intellectual faculties. A somatic IN would tend to make use of his
body, sex, shape or health in trying to secure NS for "her"
narcissist.

The Inverted Narcissist
feeds on the primary narcissist and this is his Narcissistic
Supply. So these two typologies can essentially become a
self-supporting,
symbiotic
system
.

In reality though, both the
narcissist and the Inverted Narcissist need to be quite well aware
of the dynamics of this relationship in order to make it work as a
successful long-term arrangement. It might well be that this
symbiosis would only work between a cerebral narcissist and a
cerebral Invert. The somatic narcissist's incessant sexual
dalliances would be far too threatening to the equanimity of the
cerebral Invert for there to be much chance of this succeeding,
even for a short time.

It would seem that only opposing
types of narcissist can get along when two classic narcissists are
involved in a couple. It follows, syllogistically, that only
identical types of narcissist and inverted narcissist can survive
in a couple. In other words: the best, most enduring couples of
narcissist and his inverted narcissist mate would involve a somatic
narcissist and a somatic IN – or a cerebral narcissist and a
cerebral IN.

Coping with Narcissists and
Non-Narcissists

The Inverted Narcissist is a
person who grew up enthralled by the narcissistic parent. This
parent engulfed and subsumed the child's being to such an extent
that the child's personality was irrevocably shaped by this
immersion, damaged beyond hope of repair. The child was not even
able to develop defence mechanisms such as narcissism.

The end result is an Inverted
Narcissistic personality. The traits of this personality are
primarily evident in the context of romantic relationships. The
child was conditioned by the narcissistic parent to only be
entitled to feel whole, useful, happy, and productive when the
child augmented or mirrored to the parent the parent's False Self.
As a result the child is shaped by this engulfment and cannot feel
complete in any significant adult relationship unless they are with
a narcissist.

The Inverted Narcissist in
Relationship with the Narcissist

The Inverted Narcissist is drawn
to significant relationships with other narcissists in her
adulthood. These relationships are usually spousal primary
relationships but can also be friendships with narcissists outside
of the primary love relationship.

In a primary relationship, the
Inverted Narcissist attempts to re-create the parent-child
relationship. The Invert thrives on mirroring to the narcissist his
own grandiosity and in so doing the Invert obtains her own
Narcissistic Supply (which is the dependence of the narcissist upon
the Invert for their Secondary Narcissistic Supply).

The Invert must have this form of
relationship with a narcissist in order to feel whole. The Invert
goes as far as needed to ensure that the narcissist is happy, cared
for, properly adored, as she feels is the narcissist's right. The
Invert glorifies and lionizes her narcissist, places him on a
pedestal, endures any and all narcissistic devaluation with calm
equanimity, impervious to the overt slights of the
narcissist.

Narcissistic rage is handled
deftly by the Inverted Narcissist. The Invert is exceedingly adept
at managing every aspect of her life, tightly controlling all
situations, so as to minimise the potential for the inevitable
narcissistic rages of his narcissist.

The Invert wishes to be subsumed
by the narcissist. The Invert only feels truly loved and alive in
this kind of relationship. The invert is loath to abandon her
relationships with narcissists. The relationship only ends when the
narcissist withdraws completely from the symbiosis. Once the
narcissist has determined that the Invert is of no further use, and
withholds all Narcissistic Supply from the Invert, only then does
the Invert reluctantly move on to another relationship.

The Invert is most likely to
equate sexual intimacy with engulfment. This can be easily misread
to mean that the Invert is himself or herself a somatic narcissist,
but it would be incorrect. The Invert can endure years of minimal
sexual contact with their narcissist and still be able to maintain
the self-delusion of intimacy and engulfment. The Invert finds a
myriad of other ways to "merge" with the narcissist, becoming
intimately, though only in support roles, involved with the
narcissist's business, career, or any other activity where the
Invert can feel that they are needed by the narcissist and
indispensable.

The Invert is an expert at doling
out Narcissistic Supply and even goes as far as procuring Primary
Narcissistic Supply for their narcissist (even where this means
finding another lover for the narcissist, or participating in group
sex with the narcissist).

Usually though, the Invert seems
most attracted to the cerebral narcissist and finds him easier to
manage than the somatic narcissist. The cerebral narcissist is
disinterested in sex and this makes life considerably easier for
the Invert, i.e., the Invert is less likely to "lose" their
cerebral narcissist to another primary partner. A somatic
narcissist may be prone to changing partners with greater frequency
or wish to have no partner, preferring to have multiple, casual
sexual relationships of no apparent depth which never last very
long.

The Invert regards relationships
with narcissists as the only true and legitimate form of primary
relationship. The Invert is capable of having primary relationships
with non-narcissists. But without the engulfment and the drama, the
Invert feels unneeded, unwanted and emotionally
uninvolved.