Absolution (12 page)

He gave her a withering look and rolled his shoulders, wincing as his body recalled the fight with Jack outside the church two days ago.

“Sexy, huh?” he quipped, squinting up at her.

“Right now? Not so much.”

She sank down into the chair opposite him, and he peered at her. “How come you don’t look how I feel?”

“Maybe because you drank enough for the both of us last night?” she smiled sweetly. “Besides, someone had to drive us home.”

He stood up, stretching carefully. His stomach churned but he had a feeling it wasn’t only due to the bar he had drained the night before.

“What a night,” he mumbled, running his hand down his face. “What time did we get back?”

“I don’t know, around midnight I think.”

“I have no idea what happened last night, but I’m really sorry,” he said, by way of apology. “Something tells me I wouldn’t have been pleasant company.”

He caught a vague whiff of toast. Could he stomach food yet?

“Why didn’t you tell me before? About Ally?”

He froze. “What about Ally?”

“Oh I don’t know. Maybe the fact that you’re in love with her.”

He turned towards her, intent on denying it. One look at her, though, and he realised that he would be wasting his time. He dragged a chair out from the table nearby and sank into it, a wave of nausea washing over him. That was a no to the food thing, then.

“Ancient history,” he mumbled.

Ally was the strongest, most determined person he had ever known, and some days he was grateful just to be near her. And other days he wished he wasn’t, the ache in his heart was so great.

“It didn’t sound like ancient history last night,” Maggie said, ignoring his dismissive tone. “Does she know how you feel?”

The night he had tentatively spoken to her about the way he felt, he had needed a few beers under his belt, for courage.

“Yeah, she knows,” he said, staring down at his hands.

His chest ached as if it had happened just yesterday, not a couple of months before. Maggie didn’t respond immediately and he was grateful. Reliving the conversation in his head was bad enough, but having to say it out loud was worse. He hadn’t spoken to anyone about it, preferring to just sweep it under the carpet and hope that one day soon, it wouldn’t hurt so much. One day, everything would just go back to normal. With any luck, that day would be sooner rather than later.

“What happened? What did she say?”

“So she didn’t tell you?”

Maggie shook her head. He hesitated, tempted not to elaborate but reluctantly acknowledged there was no turning back now.

“What do you think?” he said, the memory still raw. “She said she was scared. She said she wasn’t ready, that she didn’t want anything to ruin our friendship.”

He reached around to pick up his coffee mug from the table and took a hasty sip. Maggie was sitting on the couch, cradling her coffee cup in her lap, her whole demeanor sympathetic. It would have pissed him off if he wasn’t feeling so vulnerable.

“Did she mention Jack?” she asked.

“Nope, but I did. She denied it – obviously. Said it had nothing to do with him.”

“But you knew she was lying, right?”

“Of course I did,” he snapped. “It was written all over her face.”

His head ached and impatience gnawed at him. This was exactly why he didn’t want to talk about it. What was the point?

“That’s what I thought. She’s been pretty stoic about it up until now, but I always got the feeling she was hiding something. We stopped talking about him after what happened, but I don’t think she stopped thinking about him.”

Callum stared blearily at the floor. He suspected the same thing.

“I’m worried about her,” Maggie said. “You saw how she was at the funeral. What are we gonna do? How are we supposed to help this time?”

“I haven’t seen her this low for a while,” he mumbled. “With the exhibition coming up fast, it’s the last thing she needs. She’s worked so hard for it, she deserves it.”

“I wish Tom were here,” Maggie said. “He’d know what to do.”

“Well, he’s not here, is he? And we have to do something because otherwise it’s all going to go to hell in a hand-cart again.”

He sat forward in his chair, anger pushing aside the headache, the nausea and the general sense of helplessness.

“Maybe your little chat with him did the trick? The sooner we can get back to normal around here, the better – for everyone.”

Callum stared at his hands again, gripping his coffee cup tightly. He remembered what Jack had said last night, through the haze of several beers and a killer hangover.

I’m not going anywhere – not this time.

He shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

“Does Jane know?” Maggie asked. “About you and Ally?”

“There’s nothing to know. Ancient history, remember? And it wasn’t like it was reciprocated. It has nothing to do with Jane, anyway.”

He concentrated on his coffee, taking a big gulp and ignoring the fact that it burnt his throat and tongue. He and Jane had been on the verge of splitting even before the accident happened. Then, after the accident, things had gotten complicated. He had spent the majority of his spare time with Ally because she needed him. Even without the accident, he and Jane probably would have broken up anyway. As it was, it just seemed to delay the inevitable, putting their relationship woes on the backburner as they dealt with Ally’s situation and the long list of battles that followed. Eventually, their relationship had become one of friendship and mutual support.

There was no animosity when they both finally faced up to the fact that it was time to move on. The night they had officially ended things, he found himself at Tom’s and they had talked long into the night. Thinking about Tom now, the ache inside seemed to intensify.

“How do you do it?” Maggie asked. “Doesn’t it hurt? Being around her after that, I mean?”

“What am I supposed to do? She needs me, I can’t just walk away because it’s too hard. That’s Jack’s calling card, not mine.”

“You’re right. She’s lucky to have you.”

He snorted cynically. “Yeah – obviously.”

“She loves you. Maybe not the same way you love her, but she does love you. You know that, right?”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“I’m sorry. I know it must be hard for you, after everything that’s happened. I can’t help but wonder how close she came to actually getting him out of her system, though.”

He had doubted she was anywhere close to getting Jack out of her system then, and that was only a couple of months ago. Anger welled up inside of him. Jack didn’t deserve her love. He had deserted her in her time of greatest need, leaving Callum to pick up the pieces. Didn’t that count for anything?

He stood up, fighting off nausea. “Look, as awesome as this little chat has been, I have to go. Can you give me a lift back to Barney’s? I need to pick up my car.”

He grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Thanks for your couch last night. Sorry about the other crap. You won’t say anything will you, about this?”

She shook her head, frowning. “Of course not.”

“There’s nothing to tell anyway. It’s not like anything changed. I’d just as soon forget it ever happened, to be honest.”

“If that’s what you want.”

It wasn’t what he wanted, but what choice did he have?

“Are you gonna be seeing her today?”

“I thought I’d call her and see if she wants to meet for coffee, see how she’s holding up.”

“That’d be good – she was pretty upset yesterday. I mean, she tried to hide it but it was obvious, y’know?” he paused for a moment, rubbing the back of his neck. “I wouldn’t mention my little chat with him, it’d only upset her. I told her I’d seen her car outside his house, but she doesn’t know that we talked, and it’s probably better she doesn’t, especially if it turns out he’s taken off again.”

“Okay, yeah. I’ll call you later.”

“I hope he’s gone,” he said, as they made their way to the door. “I gave him plenty of reason to. I just hope he did the right thing this time. She doesn’t need this crap.”

“I agree.”

“You know we’re gonna have to clean up his mess again if he has gone.”

Maggie bit her lip, frowning. “Yeah. I know.”

“
It has been said ‘time heals all wounds’. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
”

- Rose Kennedy

Callum drove slowly down the street, checking the rear-view mirror. If he’d been a religious man, he would’ve prayed. As he approached Tom’s house, he almost forgot to breathe. The neighbour’s tree obscured his view of the driveway from this angle, but as he got closer, he saw Jack’s car was still there.

“Damn it!”

He debated whether or not he should pull over and talk to him again, but recklessly he jammed his foot down on the accelerator instead. He roared past, head down, eyes fixed on the suburban street once more. He gripped the steering wheel tightly as he pulled up to the intersection at the end of the street.

“Now what?” he mumbled to himself, glancing in the rear-view mirror once more.

The silence was deafening.

The little diner was busy. Ally glanced around, there in body but not in spirit. The peace of mind she’d craved when she’d decided to go and talk to Jack still eluded her. Her mood seemed to see-saw between relief that they had been able to talk alone finally, to confusion at what he had to say. Smack in the middle of that war of emotions was the almost maternal need to protect him – from Callum’s anger, from the guilt he seemed determined to shoulder, from everything. It was a heady mix.

She found herself reflecting on the complexity of the universe during the hours before dawn. After the accident, everything was different. Every day was a challenge and once the dust began to settle, she realised how far-reaching the consequences of what happened really were. Jack left. Callum spent almost every waking moment with her, and if he wasn’t there, Maggie or Tom were. Callum and Jane broke up. Callum sold his beloved van. She couldn’t help but feel responsible.

The only way she could control things was to try and minimise the negative effect she was having on the lives of everyone she loved. She stopped venting her frustrations and began internalising them instead.

She understood why everyone seemed determined to keep her and Jack apart, but it wasn’t helping. She needed to talk to him, and she needed him to answer her – properly, with words that made sense to her, not the half-hearted, vague explanations he had offered the other day. The only thing she took away from that conversation was that he shouldered an insane amount of guilt over the accident. She needed more. What happened to him over the past four years? Where did he go? She was determined to get answers. Anything had to be better than not knowing.

“Hey, you gonna eat that cake or not?”

“Help yourself, I’m not really hungry.”

She slid her plate across the table. Glancing casually sideways, the quiet chatter at the next table over stopped momentarily. Guilty looks accompanied the silence and anger bubbled up from inside of her. She tried to ignore it, watching as Maggie helped herself to her slice of cake. The chatter started up again in hushed, exaggerated whispers. She heard Jack’s name and she turned her attention back to the window, trying to block it out.

The street outside was busy with people going about their daily routine. Cars pulled in and out of the parking lot outside the diner. An elderly man walked his dog across the street. A mother scolded a toddler with bouncing blonde curls, holding onto her hand tightly as she scanned the busy street for a safe time to cross.

“Okay, that’s enough. Speak.”

Ally still scanned the street outside. “I hate this.”

“What?”

“This,” Ally said, tearing herself away from the window. She leaned forward, frowning as her gaze encompassed the crowded diner. “The gossiping, the idle chit-chat. Can’t they just leave it alone for once?”

Maggie pushed the plate away and dabbed her lips lightly with the paper napkin, balling it up and throwing it onto the plate with the remnants of the cake.

“In this town? You’ve got to be joking. This is big news. Just ignore it, they’re not talking about you. It’s Jack’s problem, not yours.” 

The coffee Ally had been drinking only moments ago turned to ash in her stomach. 

“This is your home, you belong here. He doesn’t, not anymore.”

Despite everything, Ally couldn’t help but feel that Jack didn’t deserve this – it was no fun being the subject of gossip. Had everyone forgotten that he had just lost his father?

“Do you realise how hard it must’ve been for him to come back here, after what happened?” she pleaded, trying to make Maggie understand.

“Of course I do. That takes guts, I know that,” Maggie said, keeping her voice low. “But on the other hand, it should be hard for him. Do you really think he should get to waltz back here, no questions asked?”

Ally could feel tears welling up even as she fought for control.

“What happened the other day?” Maggie asked, sitting forward. “One minute you don’t want to talk to him, and the next minute you’re going over there for a chat?”

Ally stared across the table at her friend, trying to figure out how to explain it. “I needed to know.” 

“Know what?”

She searched for the right words. When they finally came, tumbling out in a rush, she saw things clearly for the first time since Tom’s death.

“How could he have just left me like that? I thought he loved me. Was what happened to me so awful, he couldn’t stand to even look at me? Why didn’t he come home? I mean, where’s he been all this time?” Her voice caught in her throat. “I tried pretending it didn’t matter, believe me, I tried, but that’s a lie. It matters, it matters a lot. I want answers. I think I deserve them, and now that he’s here, I finally get a chance to ask him.”

“So what did he say when you talked to him? Did he tell you what you wanted to hear?” Maggie folded her arms in front of her on the table.

“Not really. I did most of the talking. He didn’t really say much except how sorry he was.”

“That’s understandable.”

“Yeah, but it’s not what I wanted.”

“You didn’t want an apology?”

“No, not like that. I wanted answers. I need to talk to him again, but I’m worried about Callum.”

“He’s trying to protect you, you realise that, right?”

Ally nodded, tucking her hair behind one ear. “I know that, but I need to do this. It’s the only way I’m gonna find out what really happened. I think Callum needs to talk to him, too – but with his fists tied behind his back.”

“I get it. You have more guts than I do, I’ll tell you that much. Are you sure you’re ready to hear whatever he has to tell you? What if knowing all the details makes it worse, not better?”

“It won’t,” she said, even though deep down she wondered the same thing. “Anything’s better than not knowing.”

“If this is really what you want then I’ll back you up, but promise me you’ll be careful? He broke your heart, he wasn’t there when you needed him most and in my book, that makes him a pretty lousy human being. Just prepare yourself, okay? What he has to say may not be what you want to hear.” Maggie picked at her cuticles for a few moments. “I’m going to tell you something now, something that I promised Callum I wouldn’t.  But given everything you’ve just said, I think you need to know.”

By the time Callum arrived at the pool, Ally’s car was one of only a handful in the parking lot. He hauled his swimming bag out of the back seat and headed inside. Maggie had called to warn him earlier, filling him in about her conversation with Ally over coffee. He had been dreading this moment ever since, unsure about what he was walking into but pretty sure it wasn’t going to be pleasant. He took a deep breath as he approached the main doors of the old grey building that housed the community’s pool.

It had taken a while to get Ally interested in swimming as part of her exercise routine. Jogging had been her endorphin rush of choice before the accident, and he knew she missed it. Swimming was within her capabilities though, and he had pushed her into taking it up, joining her at the pool every Sunday night for moral support. He knew she was shy about swimming in public, but he had done his research. He had asked around, attended a few swim sessions on different days and times, and had a couple of casual chats with one of the admin women at the pool. He eventually pieced together that Sunday night from about 7pm was by far the quietest time. Ally was more relaxed without an audience. Once she was in the pool she seemed fine, but she was uncomfortable making the transitions.

Swimming was great for her mental health as well as her physical health and it complemented the weight training she did at home. The massage and range-of-motion exercises also helped with her back pain and kept her muscles from contracting. In the pool, without the constant pull of gravity, she was able to exercise much more freely, at her own pace. Callum was hoping that the endorphin rush following a good workout would help smooth things over tonight.

He changed into his trunks in the deserted changing rooms, the smell of chlorine clinging to the wooden benches and wet concrete floors. Stashing his clothes in a locker, he grabbed his towel and headed out to the pool. Ally waited for him in her wheelchair near the door, a towel draped over her legs. He forced a smile and threw his own towel haphazardly at the bench running along the wall behind her.

“Hey,” he said, smiling to break the ice.

“We need to talk.”

He had been hoping to delay this until after they swam, but the look on her face said she had other ideas. He mentally prepared himself for the onslaught he could feel coming.

“You were way out of line. You had no right to go storming over there, and what made it worse was that you didn’t even have the guts to tell me, I had to hear it from Maggie!”

Her voice echoed through the building, bouncing off the walls and causing a few stragglers to look over their way.

“Look, I – “

“You lied to me, you lied by omission! You told me you saw my car outside the house, you never said you went in after I left!”

She stared up at him with open resentment, choking back angry tears.

“I’m sorry,” he said immediately. “I should’ve told you, you’re right. Maggie told me you guys talked today, and I know what you want from him but I have to say that I think you’re over-simplifying this whole thing.”

“That’s not the point!”

“Okay, okay – let’s just dial this down a notch, alright? People are staring.”