Absolute Lovers (Absolute #2) (21 page)

"And…I think she's really worried about losing
you," Megan added. "That you might meet someone else while she's
away."

"But that's preposterous!" I protested. "I
would
never
! She has to know that by now."

"She
does
know," Sophia soothed.
"She's just scared, Stephen. She's far away and she's been hurt
before."

"I know. But I would never do anything like that to
her. Not in a million years. She's my world. My everything."

Shawn smiled at me. Just as much of a hopeless romantic as I
was, he knew exactly what I meant.

"Tell her that," he said. "She probably needs
to hear it."

"I will," I promised, turning my attention to
Julia's friends again.

"Thank you for telling me," I said sincerely.
"I really appreciate it. I just wish she would’ve told me all of this
herself."

"Yeah, but you haven't told her about your recent mood
either, have you?" Matt asked. "I mean, I half-expected you to grow
out your bangs and dye your hair black."

Huh?

I stared blankly at my brother.

"You know, 'cause you're all emo and shit?" he
chuckled, while the others grinned knowingly. I felt very much out of the loop.

"Never mind," he finally said, giving me a smile.
"Do you want to come out with us for dinner?"

I hesitated for a moment.

"Please?" he added.

"OK," I agreed. "Thank you. That sounds
nice."

The smiles I received from the four of them made me feel
warm on the inside. I had been foolish to push them away, thinking that it
would make Julia's absence easier not to see our friends. But now I was worried
about my girl. I needed to talk to her.

* * *

Thankfully, the perfect opportunity
presented itself the very next day.

From her own description, Julia lived in an old, quaint
apartment and her internet connection was spotty at best, but today she was
finally getting it fixed and we had a web camera date tonight. This afternoon
my time, to be accurate. I couldn't wait to see her. Earlier that month, Matt
had helped me set up the camera and install the Skype software while making
entirely inappropriate comments about how Julia and I should use it. I would be
lying if I said that the thought of doing something sexual hadn't crossed my
mind, but I would leave it up to her to decide. The most important thing to me
was to see my lovely girlfriend and make sure that she was doing all right. I
couldn't get Sophia's words out of my head. Was it possible that Julia wasn't
as happy as I thought? She always seemed so cheerful on the phone when we
talked, but that wasn't the impression she had left with her friends at all.

The whole thing left me feeling conflicted. I wanted Julia
to be happy and fulfilled in London, and yet there was a small part of me that
would feel relieved if it turned out that she, too, was having difficulty
dealing with our separation. So far I hadn't gotten any indication that she
found it unbearable, and it was unsettling to think that she could so easily be
without me when each day felt like torture to me. I didn't doubt that she loved
me, but I wanted to know that she longed and ached for me as I did for her.

The day passed far too slowly for my taste and my classes
seemed dull and never-ending. I just wanted to be home in front of the
computer, listening to her sweet voice and finally seeing her lovely smile. Of
course, I had a whole myriad of pictures to look at, but to actually watch her
face light up when she saw me was what I dreamed about at night.

Finally the day was over and I rushed home, locked the door,
and silenced my phone before turning on my computer. I was giddy with
excitement as I put on the headset that Matt had supplied me with, clicked on
her contact name on Skype, and dialed. The dark screen illuminated and there
she was.

Julia. My Julia.

"Sweetheart," I breathed out. "God, you're
beautiful."

Lace and silk, dark hair and pale skin, pink lips and blue
eyes. My girlfriend, my love.

"Stephen," she sighed, drawing a deep breath.
"Hey, baby."

I knew that I was supposed to say more, but I couldn't get a
word out. It had been so long since I had seen her and my eyes swept over her
face and upper body for several long seconds before I was able to speak again.

"What are you wearing?" I asked, even though I
could see it plain as day.

She smiled. "Do you like it?"

I nodded, finally remembering to close my mouth. She had on
some sort of lingerie and I had never seen her in anything like it before. On
most days she didn't bother with bras at all and while I loved the easy access
to her amazing breasts, there was something very enticing about the black lace
and silk contraption she was wearing.

"You look so sexy," I whispered roughly, not
recognizing my own voice. My mind clouded with thoughts of her naked and
aroused, and I forgot about everything except my own physical needs.

"Show me," I said, as she fiddled with one of the
shoulder straps. "Pull it down."

She complied. My eyes fixed on her chest where her nipples
were peeking out just above the fabric.

"Oh, fuck," I groaned as the hand resting on my
thigh twitched, inching closer to the fly of my pants. "Touch yourself,
sweetheart."

Her hands moved over the swell of her breasts and I popped my
top button. I couldn’t believe we were about to do this, but I found it
impossible to resist.

"That's it. Imagine they're my hands, Julia," I
whispered. "I'm the one touching you."

Her hands froze just as they were about to reach their
destination and I looked up at her face, wondering why she’d stopped. Her eyes
were closed and out of nowhere she covered them with her hands.

"No, you're not," she whispered. "You're not
here."

"Julia—"

"You're not here!" she choked out, as her upper
body crumbled forward and I realized with absolute horror that she was crying.

"You're so far away," she sobbed. "Why are
you so far away, Stephen?"

Before I could say anything she stood up and moved out of my
field of vision.

No, no, no! Come back!

"Julia!" I yelled into the microphone.
"Julia! Please, talk to me, sweetheart. I'm so sorry!"

I was horrified with myself and how I had just acted. What
happened to talking to her and making sure that she was doing well? That she
was happy and enjoying herself?

Oh God, I basically treated her like she was my own
personal peepshow!

I had never felt so ashamed in my life. She was crying and
it was entirely my fault. I had barely said hello before I had asked her to
take her clothes off. What was wrong with me? How could I have been so callous
toward her?

"Julia, please!"

I could see her now, pacing and crying into her hands, but
it didn't look like she was still wearing her headset and I couldn't hear her
anymore. I jumped up and started frantically searching for my cellphone,
dialing her number all while watching her intently on my computer screen. I saw
her pick up her phone and look at it for a moment before she held it up against
her ear.

"Julia, please don't hang up," I rushed out.
"I'm so sorry! Please talk to me."

All I could hear was her labored breathing and quiet sobs.

"I'm right here, sweetheart," I urged.
"Please say something."

"No…you're not," she whimpered. "You're not
here. We're not together."

My chest felt too small as my heart pounded violently
against my ribcage.

"We are!" I insisted. "We're together. You're
my sweetheart. Please…please, don't give up on us."

She walked back over and sat down in her chair in front of
the computer. Her cheeks were wet and her eyes glistened with more tears. It
broke my heart.

"Please, don't give up," I begged again. I reached
out and my fingers traced over the image of her face on the screen. I couldn't
offer a warm touch or my arms for her to find comfort in. The helplessness I
felt was staggering. She was absolutely right. I was so far away from her. She
was thousands of miles away and I couldn't hold her, which was what she desperately
needed.

"I-I love y-you," I managed to choke out before
swallowing the lump in my throat as I fought back tears. I could only give her
my words and hope that it was enough. "Do you still love me?"

The whole world seemed to stop in that moment. What would I
do if she didn't love me anymore? How could I possibly go on without her? What
would become of me?

"Yes," she whispered.

Oh, thank you, God!

"Please, tell me."

"I love you, Stephen," she said quietly, wiping
her eyes with the back of her hand. "I love you so much."

"Then please don't lose faith in us," I begged
urgently. "We’ll be together soon. Christmas is just around the
corner."

"No, it isn't," she said. "It's almost two
months away."

"They'll go by fast," I lied, since I knew that it
would be the longest two months of my life. The time we spent apart seemed to
move at a snail’s pace. "Before you know it you'll come home to
visit."

She shook her head sadly, rubbing her naked arms.

"I'm cold," she whispered, wiping away more tears.
"It's so cold here already. With all the Dickens I've read, you'd think I
would be prepared for that."

"It feels cold here, too," I replied, even though
the temperature outside was close to sixty. It might as well have been
freezing. Without Julia's sweet smile and warm embrace, everything seemed bleak
and frigid and my chest felt cold and empty.

"You should put something on," I said softly. She
didn't move.

"I don't want you to get sick," I pressed.

"I won't," she muttered.

Her eyes seemed vacant and sad, and when I looked closer, I
could see that she’d lost some weight, too. I wondered if it had been like this
for her all the time she had been in London. I hoped not. I hoped that this was
merely the result of a bad day and that tomorrow her effervescent zest for life
that l loved so dearly would return.

"Please put on something warm and turn up the heat.
Maybe make yourself some tea. Then we can relax and talk when you're
comfortable," I suggested. I gave her a weak smile but she didn't return
it.

"How can you stand this?" she sighed despondently.
"You're talking about tea and warm clothes like that's going to make
everything all right. I'm not all right, Stephen!"

She looked down as her voice turned sadder and scared. "Why…is
it so easy for you to be away from me?"

"Easy? You think it's easy for me?" I asked
incredulously.

She shrugged her shoulders and rubbed her arms again. "You
seem fine," she whispered. "Like it's no big deal that we're not
together."

I shook my head. "Julia, first of all, we
are
together.
I'm still your boyfriend and that won't change, I swear. And second, I am not
even close to being fine. I miss you terribly."

"I miss you, too," she replied. Her voice sounded
hoarse from unshed tears. "Stephen, what the fuck am I doing over
here?"

"You’re living out your dream.”

"Fuck my stupid fucking dream!" she yelled.
"I hate this!"

I was stunned. Megan and Sophia said that Julia was not as
happy as I’d thought, but she had never given me any indication that she didn't
like being over there. I knew that she missed me but I had been under the
impression that she was thriving, both with school and with making new friends.

“You hate it? Your classes, or London? Or both?”

"No, I guess I don't actually hate it," she
amended with a sigh. "And I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I know what an
amazing opportunity this is and that a lot of people would kill for this. I
just…"

"Just what?"

"I hate being away from you," she whispered,
sounding dangerously close to tears once more. "I miss you so much and I'm
scared…scared that we won't make it."

Her last word turned into a tiny wail and she wrapped her
arms around her middle as though she were hugging herself. I could only watch
helplessly as her body shook and heaved with sobs and I witnessed my beautiful
girl release what must have been two months' worth of suppressed sadness and
frustration. After a few seconds my vision blurred.

"Julia. Julia, please," I begged and touched the
screen again, as if that could somehow bring her comfort. "Don't. Please
don't cry, sweetheart. I can't. I can't bear it."

I gave up holding back the tears in my eyes and simply let
them flow freely. I couldn't pretend anymore. I was just as miserable as she was
and for a minute or two I simply let her cry because she seemed to need it so
much. And truthfully, I needed it, too. It wasn't easy always being an adult
and putting on a brave face for the world.

"I'm sorry," she sniffed after she had calmed
down. "I thought I could do the whole webcam sex thing but it feels all
wrong. It just reminds me that you're not here. And somehow I feel even more
alone."

"It's all right," I assured her immediately.
"We don't have to do anything. And I'm sorry for being so forward. I
just…I really miss being with you like that. Uh, and in every other way, too.
You know that, right?"

She gave me a small, sad smile and nodded.

"I'm freezing," she said, rubbing her arms again.
"I guess I'll change and make tea, OK?"

It was my turn to nod, but the second she was out of my view
the smile melted off my face. We couldn't keep doing this. Julia wasn't happy
and neither was I. Something needed to change and soon, or I worried that Julia
would decide that it would be easier for both of us to put our relationship on
hold until she came home. If that happened I feared that it would turn into a
breakup and that was too horrible to even contemplate. All this time I had
thought she was doing so much better than me, but as it turned out, that wasn't
the case at all. I needed to weigh my options.