A Year in the Life of a Complete and Total Genius (5 page)

Happy holidays! In this assignment I want you to indulge your creative spirit! There are no boundaries, no structure, and no rules here; just write something you want to write. It can be a poem, a short story, a diary entry of a fictional character, a memoir from your childhood—anything that inspires you to write! Let your inner artist soar on the paper!

Due: December 15

• • •

December 15th

Dear RJ,

Here's a thing I wrote for Ms. Whitehead's class, but then I decided not to hand it in. I don't think it's very good, so I'm going to hand in something different. But I wanted to put this somewhere, and you seem like the kind of guy who would appreciate it. Let me know what you think… Ha-ha-ha!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

A Christmas Story

My dad bought a Christmas tree this past weekend. He went to the lot and picked it out while I stayed home and watched whatever movie was on TV on Sunday afternoon. When he came home, he left it sitting on top of the car until dinner, when I saw it and said, “Hey, Dad. There's a tree on the car.” He mumbled something about it being an impulse buy. He even bought a stand even though I know we already have one somewhere. I guess now we have two. But I didn't say anything. I just helped him pull it off the car, and we set it up in the living room, right beside the television.

There were old sitcom reruns playing on the television the whole time. I made us mac and cheese, and my dad had a beer and watched TV. He never picked up the remote control to change the channel, he just sat there watching the television on the same channel I had been watching, and I listened to the sounds of canned laughter as I stirred in the cheese. As the tree warmed up, it dropped its branches and began to lean to the left, and soon half of the tree was blocking the television. I noticed it during dinner, but I didn't say anything. I don't think my dad noticed. We just sat there with our empty plates covered in drying cheese sauce on the floor beside the couch.

After a couple of days, I asked my dad if we were going to decorate it, but he said that he didn't know where Mom had kept the decorations. So the tree sits in the living room, blocking the television. Its needles are falling off, and we haven't watered it in days. It is empty of lights and balls and glittery tin soldiers and nutcrackers, but still full of the memories of Christmases past.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

• • •

Assignment: A Christmas Story

By Arthur Bean

The best day of last Christmas was the day when my dad brought home the Christmas tree. My mom had gotten out all the Christmas ornaments and sang along loudly to “The Twelve Days of Christmas” while she untangled the lights.

My dad showed up at home with the biggest tree I had ever seen, and together we dragged our tree off the roof of the car and into the house. The pine smell filled the room, and then my dad swore and swore while he tried to get the lights on straight. My mother would yell at him every time a bad word came out of his mouth, and I would laugh at them while I unwrapped the ornaments and lined them up on the coffee table. We got all the ornaments on the tree, and my dad drank a beer, and my mom had a wine cooler, and I had hot chocolate and we sat on the couch and stared at the Christmas tree until the sun went down and the only light in the house came from the bright red-and-blue lights that twisted and turned around the tree.

That night, very late, there was a tinkling sound. The bells on the tree were singing wildly, and I woke up and listened to them in my bed. Then they got louder, and louder, until I heard a
CRRRRACK
, and then a crashing noise, full of breaking glass.

We ran out into the living room, and Pickles was cowering in the corner behind the couch, where she had gotten stuck after batting at the lowest ornaments on the tree until the tree fell over. My dad swore a lot, and my mom laughed and laughed, and she picked up the cat in one hand and went and got the broom. She swept up all the glass and I held the dustpan while my dad propped up the tree again. We had to turn the tree around so that the back was facing the front, since it was too late to buy new Christmas lights and the branches were all broken. But I still think it was the nicest Christmas tree we ever had.

Dear Arthur,

Thank you for sharing a lovely Christmas memory of your mother with me. I hope you and your father have a nice holiday. See you in the New Year!

Ms. Whitehead

• • •

December 20th

Dear RJ,

Dad and I went Christmas shopping today at the mall and we ran into Ms. Whitehead! It was SO awkward. We were eating lunch in the food court, and she came around with her taco combo looking for a seat. She didn't even notice me at first. She just saw a free seat at our table and asked if she could sit down. Then she actually saw me and was all excited that she got to meet my dad “since he had missed the parent-teacher conference” (I think she was judging him a little bit when she said that), and freaked out about what a coincidence it was that she ran into us. It was so over the top. I wonder if she planned it. Maybe she was hitting on my dad, since she knows that he's single now. That would not be cool.

Anyway, she sat down with us and was talking all about her Christmas plans. She even asked my dad for his advice on a plaid shirt she bought for her brother. Like he knows anything about fashion! She had all kinds of bags too, including one from the lingerie store. I was embarrassed for her. I can't believe she was buying underwear and then sitting with a student! Who does that?? She said that she was going home to Toronto for Christmas, and that she was taking her grandmother to see
The Nutcracker
. She said she goes with her grandmother every year. I don't know how she still has a grandmother who is still alive! I wonder how old she is? I thought she was forty.

When we left, she gave me a hug and shook my dad's hand. It was a total surprise, so I hugged her back. I hope no one from school saw me hugging my teacher. That's how rumors get started.

Yours truly,

Arthur

• • •

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: December 21, 17:56

Hi, Arthur.

How's your Christmas break??? Mine is TERRIBLE. :( Sandy broke up with me!!! :( :( He said that he was too busy to have a girlfriend right now!! I guess that he is really busy with friends and stuff. And I want to understand because I love him a lot. I cried a lot when he told me, but I told him that I want to still be friends. I think that we will be friends, especially since I know he's just going through a hard time right now, and he'll want to get back together after Christmas break when we are at school again I think! He's even failing HEALTH class. Everyone knows that's a joke class! But he's really smart, so I think he's just being pulled in too many directions. But Arthur!!!! I love Sandy SO much!!!! I already miss him!! Normally we would talk on the phone or text all night!!! I already bought him a Christmas present too!! Can I still give it to him? It will show that I care about him still, right??? You're a guy, so you would know better than my girlfriends!!

ANYWAYS, I feel so sad :( :( :( WORST CHRISTMAS EVER!!! :(

Kennedy :(

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

Sent: December 21, 18:19

Dear Kennedy,

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. Boys that age can be very difficult to understand sometimes. I really feel badly for you! When you feel bad, I feel bad, so today is the worst day ever!

You should get some good ice cream. I think you're supposed to eat ice cream after a breakup, aren't you? And then I think you watch sappy movies or something. I'm sorry. I don't really know what to tell you. Just remember that you are the greatest girl ever, and you are super nice and smart and cute. Any guy in the school would love to be your boyfriend! Sandy was a total jerk anyway. If I were you, I wouldn't give him the present. Return it and get something cool for yourself. He doesn't deserve you!

I don't know if I can help at all, but if you want to hang out this Christmas break, maybe we can go see a movie or something. My cousins are coming in to stay with us for a while, but I would leave them behind if you need to talk.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

• • •

December 21st

Dear RJ,

BEST DAY EVER!!!!

I think that Kennedy will realize soon that her old boyfriend was a super jerk, and we'll go out on a date. And we'll go see a scary movie, and she'll squeal and hide her face in my shoulder, and I'll hold her hand and laugh in that “I'm not laughing at you” way, and we'll hold hands all the way through the movie and down the escalator in the mall and to the bus stop.

I bet she smells like fruity shampoo. I wonder if it's too late to ask for cologne for Christmas. I'll probably need it soon.

And my cousins are coming for Christmas break! I wish Luke lived closer. He's really popular and he has great stories about stuff he does. He comes up with great things to do too. Like, during the summer when we were at my grandparents' and all the adults were always around, he found this movie theater playing weird matinees during the week. So we got dressed up in costumes and went to this terrible, really old alien movie. We threw popcorn at the screen and yelled at the characters and no one there minded! It was hilarious! Anyway, it'll be so great when Luke is here. I've already set up a sleeping bag on the floor of my room for him, and given him the best pillow from my bed. One more day!

Yours happily,

Arthur Bean!!

• • •

December 27th

Dear RJ,

Merry Christmas, I guess. I don't have a lot of time to write to you. We spent most of Christmas Day at my grandparents' house, and we just got back home to the apartment tonight. Now the apartment is overfull, especially with Luke and George and their parents staying here. My dad is sleeping on the couch and gave up his bed, and George has a sleeping bag under the dining room table. He seems to like it there, especially since he never says anything to anyone. Luke said that he's like that all the time. It makes me glad that I don't have an older brother like that.

Anyway, RJ, Christmas has been really weird. No one leaves me by myself. My aunt and my grandma keep hugging me and getting teary and I just want them to leave me alone. It's so different, because everyone is pretending to be happy when we are all together, so it's extra loud in the house and the music is always playing. No one is even mentioning the fact that my mom is gone or that we used to go to church because my mom wanted us to go or that my mom's stuffing was way better. Every year I used to argue with my mom about getting to open presents before we ate breakfast on Christmas Day, and I always lost, but that was okay because we always did it. That argument was a tradition too. But this year, I said, “Let's open presents before breakfast,” and everyone agreed. It's like no one will say no to me no matter what. I told Luke this, and he dared me to ask Grandpa for a cigarette to prove my theory. I didn't, of course.

Anyway, I got some books and clothes and games and stuff, and Nicole got me a Stephen King book all about writing that should help me write my story. And now I can hear my aunt calling for me, because she thinks that I'm in here crying because I “shouldn't be alone in this difficult time.” At least Luke is here. He's standing at the door making fun of me for doing homework over the break. If he only knew, RJ!!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

• • •

From: Robbie Zack ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: December 28, 23:41

dude I herd that u stol my english assinement about Demetrius and hermia. Ur a DEADMAN when we get back to school.

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Robbie Zack ([email protected])

Sent: December 29, 10:03

Dear Mr. Zack,

I believe you may have the wrong email address for the person you are trying to reach. I am a very rich and powerful businessman who lives in New Mexico. I think you might be looking for a different Arthur Aaron Bean, one who lives in Canada and is a kid in a school there. However, I am sure that when you find the Arthur Bean you are looking for, you will realize that he is not the type of guy who would steal a Shakespeare English assignment. He must be a good guy. I would like to meet him one day and offer him a job making millions of dollars. I assume that he was going to write something similar to your idea anyway, but probably better, since your spelling is terrible.

Good luck finding the right Arthur Bean. I am off to a business meeting with the richest and most powerful men in America.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

From: Robbie Zack ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: December 30, 12:32

Ur so funny I forgot to laff. Maybe I will laff at u when I stick ur head in the toilet.

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Robbie Zack ([email protected])

Sent: December 30, 14:30

Dear Robbie,

I didn't steal your story. As you may have noticed, I am in the same English class as you. We read the same books. At least, I read the books. Anyway, I helped you with your assignment, and I was already writing something too. Really, I think you stole my assignment. After all, who fixed the rhymes in your letter? I did. You said so yourself. So my assignment might be kind of like yours, but I'm pretty sure that I'm a better writer than you and have great ideas all by myself.

As a side note, how did you find out that I stole your story? That's weird. I could have explained to you what happened if your parents didn't take you out of school a week early to go to Hawaii. If you are going to stick anyone's head in a toilet, I suggest choosing your least favorite parent.