A Writer's Tale (23 page)

They make us feel rotten, but we say, “Even a bad review is better than no review at all. Publicity is publicity.”

Maybe so.

But a lot of people out there haven’t yet discovered our books, and they are being turned against us when they read reviews that make our work look like crud.

Suppose a potential fan hasn’t yet read any of your books.

Suppose, before he or she gets the chance, along comes a piece of misleading garbage written about it by someone with a grudge. This person, who might’ve absolutely fallen in love with your stuff, never gives you a try.

Thanks to someone who hates your guts and has a forum.

Thanks to your tribe of enemies.

My tribe includes David Kuehls, Linda Marotta, Ellen Datlow and Stefan Dziemianowicz.

Their reviews aren’t reviews at all, but personal assaults committed on someone they don’t even know and had no reasonable cause to hate.

These are ruthless, gleeful muggings.

I want everyone who reads this article to know that their reviews of my work are based on their own little secret grudges and agendas and have little to do with the piece of fiction that they are purporting to review.

I also want everyone to know that I consider the publication of such reviews to be a personal attack on me by the publisher who provides a forum to these muggers.

Furthermore… !

Hey, my friends, let’s hear from you. Who is out there nailing
you?
Time to name names and kick butt. The creeps have been mucking with us, unscathed.

Time for us to do some scathing of our own!

Write in!

If nothing else, you’ll have a good time, you’ll be giving moral support to their victims, you’ll be letting a rather significant corner of our horror community know who is out to get you, and you’ll really piss off the reviewers who already despise you. Need anyone ask for more?

That’s my article. Unaltered, unexpurgated, unimproved.

Mike Baker was happy to publish it exactly as I’d written it.

I felt as if I’d tossed a hand grenade into a crowded room full of enemies.

I wasn’t exactly present to observe the results, but I know for a fact that all four of my targets got hit. I heard about it from people who knew them.

And I grinned.

Vengeance is wonderful.

Not only did I strike out at my four reviewers, but I attacked on behalf of every writer who’d been ambushed by such people.

From what I hear, the article caused a stir. Not only were copies of
Afraid
being snatched up, but photocopies of “The Lizzie Borden Syndrome” were making the rounds.

Apparently, it was the talk of the “horror community.”

Shortly after the article appeared, I received letters and phone calls from several writers who applauded my counterattack.

Their names would be familiar to you, but they might not wish to be publicly associated with this matter, so I’ll keep their identities to myself.

I even got a call from Richard Chizmar, publisher of
Cemetery Dance,
the magazine which had printed the Dziemianowicz review. Rich expressed concern that I might be angry with him for allowing the review to be printed. He’d noticed my statement, “I consider the publication of such reviews to be a personal attack on me by the publisher who provides a forum to these muggers.” We had a nice talk. He seemed like a fine gentleman and a really nice guy, so naturally I felt guilty about upsetting him. I assured him that I didn’t hold anything against him. We would later work together on numerous occasions and Rich has recently brought out the first and only hardbound edition of
The Cellar.

In recent years, Stefan Dziemianowicz has been the editor (along with the wonderful Martin Greenberg) of several anthologies. As such, he has purchased some of my short stories.

I no longer bear any hard feelings toward him, and rather regret the nasty things I wrote about him in “The
Lizzie
Borden Syndrome.”

I also regret using the phrase “mean-spirited.” I have grown to hate those words because of certain unsavory political connotations. I couldn’t change them, however, without compromising the integrity of the article.

So I apologize to Stefan and I apologize for using such garbage language as “mean-spirited.”

I never received any sort of apology or explanation from
Fangoria.
Not that I expected anything of the sort. But I’d been a major fan of
Fangoria
(and own some extremely valuable back issues). Before the reviewer incidents took place, I’d had very good feelings about the magazine.

1. 
Fangoria
had published a feature article about me, prepared by Stanley Wiater.

2. With my own money, I had purchased a full-page advertisement in
Fangoria
for
The Woods Are Dark.
(What a waste of money
that
was. Except that, in preparing the ad, I did gather some terrific quotes from such writers as Dean Koontz, Dan Marlowe, Al Nussbaum, and Gary Brandner.)

3. I had written
Fangoria
into my novel,
Night Show.
The magazine actually plays a significant role in the plot. This was my homage to
Fangoria,
and probably one of the few times that a periodical has ever played such an important part in a work of fiction.

So the publication in
Fangoria
of several reviews that trashed me and my novels was especially disappointing. I stopped buying the magazine.

Haven’t bought a copy in years.

I’m sure they couldn’t care less.

But I bet they won’t be thrilled to find out what I’ve written about them here.

60 Favorite Horror Films

UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED, ANY FILM ON THIS LIST IS THE ORIGINAL, not a remake or a sequel.

1. ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET… (whatever monster they meet, I like the movie.)*

2. ALIEN

3. THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN

4. THE ANGRY RED PLANET

5. THE BLACK CAT

6. BLACK CHRISTMAS

7. THE BLOB

8. CAPE FEAR

9. CARRIE

10. THE CAT PEOPLE (with Nastassia Kinski)

11. DAWN OF THE DEAD

12. DRACULA (including most of its Lugosi sequels)*

13. THE EXORCIST

14. FRANKENSTEIN (including most of its Universal sequels)*

15. FREAKS

16. FRIDAY THE 13TH

17. HALLOWEEN

18. THE HAUNTING

19. THE HILLS HAVE EYES

20. THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES (With Basil Rathbone)

21. THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL

22. I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE

23. I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE

24. INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS

25. IT’S ALIVE

26. JAWS

27. KING KONG

28. THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

29. MAGIC

30. MARATHON MAN

31. MOTEL HELL

32. MOTHER’S DAY

33. THE MUMMY (including most of its Universal sequels)*

34. THE NAKED EDGE

35. NEAR DARK

36. THE NIGHT OF THE HUNTER

37. NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

38. THE NIGHT STALKER (made for TV)

39. No WAY TO TREAT A LADY

40. NOSFERATU (silent version)

41. THE OLD, DARK: HOUSE

42. THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (silent version)

43. PSYCHO

44. RABID

45. REAR WINDOW

46. ROSEMARY’S BABY

47. THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

48. STRAW DOGS

49. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

50. THEM

51. THE THING

52. THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN

53. TREMORS

54. 2000 MANIACS

55. THE UNINVITED

56. WAIT UNTIL DARK

57. THE WEREWOLF OF LONDON

58. WHEN A STRANGER CALLS

59. WOLFEN

60. THE WOLFMAN

‘“Denotes that this listing is for more than one film. So it isn’t a
true
list of 60, but who’s counting?

My 47 Favorite Non-Horror Films

I. ADVENTURES OF A YOUNG MAN (about Ernest Hemingway) 

2. BATTLE CRY

3. THE BLACKBOARD JUNGLE

4. THE BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI

5. BULLITT

6. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID

7. CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF

8. DARBY’S RANGERS

9. DIE HARD

10. DR. NO

11. FARGO

12. A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS

13. FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

14. THE FOUNTAINHEAD

15. FRIED GREEN TOMATOES AT THE WHISTLE STOP CAFE

16. THE GETAWAY

17. GONE WITH THE WIND

18. THE GREAT ESCAPE

19. THE HIGH AND THE MIGHTY

20. HONDO

21. HUD

22. INSIDE DAISY CLOVER

23. LAWRENCE OF ARABIA

24.
 LONELY ARE THE BRAVE

25. LONESOME DOVE (made for TV)

26. THE MAN FROM LARAMIE

27. THE MAN WHO KNEW Too MUCH (James Stewart version)

28. THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE

29. MEMPHIS BELLE

30. NEVADA SMITH

31. NORTHWEST PASSAGE

32. THE PARENT TRAP

33. PETER PAN

34. THE PETRIFIED FOREST

35. PULP FICTION

36. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK

37. RESERVOIR DOGS

38. SOLDIER IN THE RAIN

39. THE SUMMER OF ‘42

40. STAND BY ME

41. THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS

42. A THOUSAND CLOWNS

43. To KILL A MOCKINGBIRD

44. TRUE GRIT

45. THE WILD BUNCH

46. THE WILD ONE

47. YOUNGBLOOD HAWKE

The Big Picture

HERE IS A BARE-BONES BREAKDOWN OF WHAT USUALLY HAPPENS TO A writer “me during the entire course of my involvement” with a novel. This is generally the way I’ve been operating during the last few years on the basis of multiple-book contracts.

1. I write about five pages in the course of a day.

2. The next day, I reread them on the computer screen, revise them, then write about five new pages.

3. After finishing a chapter, I carefully read it from start to finish on the screen, making more corrections. Then I print it.

4. I may be asked to provide my publisher with a description of what the book is about.

So I spend a day writing a synopsis.

5. After the entire novel is written and printed up, (about 600 manuscript pages), I read it again from start to finish, marking errors, dog-earing every page that needs to be redone.

6. At my computer again, I make all the changes, reprinting each page that requires a correction.

7. I take the finished manuscript to a photocopy shop and have a single copy made. On white paper with no holes.

8. I pack and mail the copy of the manuscript to my agent. (Keeping my original.) 9. I start working on my next project.

10. After my agent and editor have read my manuscript, they may ask me to make some changes. I usually get a page or two of suggestions, questions, etc. I discuss them with my editor, make whatever changes may be necessary, and fax them to my editor.

11. A month or two later, I receive an “on acceptance” check in the mail. So I have to interrupt my busy writing schedule for a trip to the bank to make the deposit.

12. My editor and I talk about what sort of artwork should go on the cover of my book. He may later send me some rough sketches for my suggestions and/or approval.

13. My editor writes cover material for the book and sends it for my approval.

14. In some cases, I am sent a copy of the “edited manuscript.” When that happens, I have to read the entire manuscript to see what’s been done to it and to look for errors. Then the corrections need to be phoned, faxed or mailed to the publisher. They usually give me about a week to do this. Headline, however, does not mess with my work and doesn’t usually send me a copy of the edited manuscript.

15. They do send me a copy of the “proof pages” or galleys. This is my novel set to print. This is the “next-to-final” version. It always seems to arrive at the worst possible moment. But it can’t be ignored.

If I don’t catch an error there, the mistake will likely end up in the finished book and make me look like a numbskull. So I read the pages carefully, mark all the mistakes, then communicate the changes to my editor.

16. After the book is published, I receive several copies that I normally send to friends and family members. I inscribe and autograph each book (usually about twelve), put it into a padded envelope, address the envelope, then make a special trip to the post office with the whole stack.

17. Over the next few weeks, various book dealers bring copies of the novel to my house so I can sign and sometimes inscribe copies for their customers. I may travel to a bookstore for an “autograph party.”

18. I receive a check for the “hardbound publication” of the novel. I stop doing everything and rush to the bank.

19. A few months after the hardbound edition has been published, I will receive page proofs for the paperback version of the book. I used to ignore them, since they are based on the hardbound edition. After catching some errors in them, however, I now read and correct these proofs, too.

20. A month or so after the paperback is published, I receive still another check and have to make still another journey to the bank.

21. My publisher and agent send copies of reviews to me. I read them. They often amuse me, sometimes flatter me, occasionally make me angry. I almost never respond to the reviews.

22. My publisher forwards fan mail to me. I always read it. Most of it is wonderful. I almost always respond to the sender (unless he or she seems to be a nut), but it may take a while.

23. In some cases, I will eventually be notified that the hardbound version is being “remaindered.” The publisher tells me how many copies are unsold and gives me an opportunity to purchase them at a very low price.

By the time we reach the final stage, the remaindering, I have probably written four
new
books.

A Day In the Life