A Will To Change (Hope) (18 page)

I couldn’t believe my father actually
remembered
all of that stuff. I placed my hand on top of hers and rubbed her warm soft skin. “You’re the best, Gabby girl.” I pulled her into me and hugged her tightly, breathing in the familiar sweet scent that was Gabby.

“Well, now that I’m wide awake, whatcha watchin’? she asked.

“Oh, I was going to finish that movie from last night.”

“Sounds perfect.” She smiled.

It only took about fifteen minutes before Gabby was sound asleep. Somewhere in the middle of the movie, her head had flopped over onto my shoulder, and I didn’t want to disturb her. I sat there watching her sleep for some time. Every now and then, the corners of her mouth would turn up and look like it was forming a small smile, and I wondered what she was dreaming about. I traced my finger along the velvety skin of her face, and I couldn’t resist kissing her on the top of her head. A small part of me wondered what it would feel like to have her lips on mine.

Once the movie was over, I carried her into her room. “No, don’t leave me!” she cried, grabbing on to my arm as I placed her down on the bed. When I looked closely, I noticed tears rolling down her face. Her eyes were open, but I knew she was still asleep.

“Gabby, it’s okay,” I whispered as her cries became harder. “It’s okay.” She looked around in confusion, finally waking up enough to realize where she was, but it didn’t halt the tears that were gushing down her face.

Her whole body was trembling as she hugged me tightly. “Don’t leave me, Will. Promise me you’ll always be my friend.”

I lay down on the bed with her and pulled her close. “Gabby, I will be your friend forever. You don’t ever have to worry about that.” She let out a deep sigh and one last sob as she nuzzled closer to me before falling asleep once again. I closed my eyes and held her in my arms. For the first time in my life, I was actually going to sleep with a woman without having sex with her. I was learning so much about other people since Gabby had come into my life…my dad, my family and, most of all, myself.

I stumbled out of Gabby’s bed the next morning and walked out into the kitchen to find her cooking breakfast. She turned around and giggled at the site of me. “What’s so funny?”

“Was it good for you? Because I don’t remember a thing!” she teased.

“Oh, your loss, little girl.”

She shook her head and smiled, turning her attention back to the French toast that she was making. “How on earth did you end up in my bed last night?”

“Umm…you were having a nightmare.”

I watched as the smile and all of the color disappeared from her face. She quickly removed the French toast from the griddle and placed it on a plate. “Wait until you taste this, Will.” This was so typical of her. Whenever she wanted to avoid a topic, she would completely change the subject.

“What were you dreaming about?” She looked at me as if I caught her off guard.

“Damn!” she shouted as the spatula fell from her hand, again trying to create a diversion that I wasn’t falling for. I bent down to pick it up, waiting for an answer. “What?” she asked as I continued staring at her.

“What were you dreaming about last night that had you in tears?”

She bit her bottom lip and shook her head quickly. “No clue! Must have been a combination of that horror movie and all of the food I ate yesterday. Now, sit down and eat this before it gets cold.”

I stared at her a little longer, wishing that she would crack even a little and trust me enough to get into that cute little head of hers. But she was so stubborn and rarely let her guard down for anyone. I didn’t like knowing that something was bothering her or that she had something weighing so heavily on her mind that it haunted her dreams. Why couldn’t she see that I was here for her no matter what? She smiled up at me as she handed me a plateful of French toast. She definitely knew how to use that adorable smile of hers to make me forget everything else that was going on around me. I gave her a smile back, hoping that I was able to convey my thoughts to her: I would do anything in this world to help fix my sweet little Gabby girl.

“Gabby, it’s so good to see you again,” Dr. Leslie said as she opened her office door.        I had been a patient of Dr. Leslie Ackerman since I was fifteen-years-old when my mother must have had a lapse in reasoning and decided that she wanted to act like a parent for a day or two, deciding that we needed to go talk to someone to help bring us closer. I didn’t need a shrink. I needed a mother who was around and actually pretended to care even just a little about me. I couldn’t believe that I knew that, even at fifteen, and my mother hadn’t a clue. I continued to see the doctor after my father’s death, and saw her a few times when I needed someone to talk to when I was home from college. It had been years since we had last spoken, but since the night that Will had witnessed my nightmare a few weeks ago, they were becoming more and more frequent.

She opened the door further, allowing me to enter. “Have a seat,” she said, pointing to the overstuffed leopard print chair that I remembered. I looked around her office. Nothing had changed…same pictures, same furniture. Everything brought me back to being a scared fifteen-year-old, feeling afraid to talk in front of my mom for fear of embarrassing her.

“Thank you for squeezing me in,” I said.

“No problem, Gabby! So, what brings you here today?”

I tucked my hair behind my ear and took a deep breath. “Well, I’ve been having these nightmares.”

“About -?”

I quickly nodded before she could even get the rest of the words out, feeling my eyes welling up with tears just thinking about it. “I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’m missing my dad so much. The holidays are always a bad time for me. I miss him like crazy. I know I’m pretty stupid. It’s been so long and I should just be over it by now, but I just miss him so much.”

“Oh no, Gabby. Some people never get over the loss of a loved one, especially when they were as close as you and your father. Is there something that may be triggering these dreams?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m not sure. They started on Thanksgiving. I spent the day with a friend and his family. Just seeing all of them interacting together made me wish… It made me wish that I could have that.” I looked out the window and sighed. “You know, even though my friend and his dad don’t have the perfect relationship, his dad is still there. I guess I’m just missing mine. I feel so alone sometimes. My dad was the one and only person that I knew I could always depend upon.”

She tapped her pen on the side of her head as if she were deep in thought. “What about your mom? Are you two not talking?”

I quickly shook my head. “No! I hate her.”

She creased her forehead at me. “‘Hate’ is a very strong word, Gabby. Are you sure about that?”

“Well, how would you feel about someone who thought that it would be better to stay with an abusive boyfriend just because he has money? Or tells you that you deserve the beating that he has given to you? If anything, it’s
her
who hated me first. She blames me for ruining her life when she got pregnant with me, which forced her to marry a man that she never loved.”

“I still don’t think that means she hates you, Gabby. Her judgment may be really off and her priorities completely out of line, and you have every right in the world to be angry at her for those reasons alone. But think long and hard before you start using the word ‘hate’.

I caught myself rolling my eyes before I could even stop myself. How the hell did she know what I was feeling? She had met my mother maybe three times. She hadn’t a clue as to what a bitch she could be or how she made me feel with the awful things that she would say to me. “Well, I can’t help how I feel and, right now, all I feel is hate toward her.”

She nodded, totally switching the topic. “So, Gabby, tell me about this ‘friend’ of yours.”

“Will?” I smiled just thinking about him.

“Is that his name?” She smiled back and I nodded. “Well, I could see your face light up at the mere mention of him. He must be pretty special.”

“He is. He’s a really good friend. In fact, there are days that I feel like he’s my
only
friend.”

“Is that all that two of you are? Just friends?”

“Oh, yeah. Will and I never -.” I cleared my throat. “And we never will.”

“Well, why not?”

She caught me off guard with that question.
How did we go from me facing my nightmares to me sleeping with Will?
“I don’t know. It’s just not that way between us.”

“Is he already in a relationship?”

I busted out with laughter at the mere thought of Will in a relationship. “Umm, no! Will doesn’t do relationships.”

She nodded at me. “Well, are you attracted to him sexually?”

What the hell?
“Uh, no… I mean, I don’t know.” Did the fact that I would get a little bothered on the nights that Will didn’t come home, surmising who he was with and what he was doing, or that I loved staring at him with no shirt on qualify as being sexually attracted to him?      

“Well, Gabby, it’s obvious that you think the world of this guy, so why are you afraid to take the next step? Do you feel like you don’t deserve to be happy?”

“Umm…no. That’s not it at all! Look, Will dates…I mean,
has sex
with girls that look like swimsuit models and there are no strings attached.” I laughed at myself, realizing what I just said. “No pun intended.” She flashed me a smile over my quick wit. “What he and I have is much deeper than any sexual relationship, and I’m okay with that.”

“Well, you are a young woman with needs, and there is nothing wrong with fulfilling those needs with someone you care about.”

Oh, my god!
I could feel my face turning red. She was telling me I needed to get laid?! I knew it was true, it had been four months since I last had sex and it wasn’t very gratifying, but with Will? Just hearing myself thinking such thoughts sounded ludicrous. “Well, even if there are tumbleweeds down there, Will certainly won’t be the one taking care of them.”

She shook her head, trying to sustain her laughter. “Oh, Gabby, you have not changed a bit! I would like to see you again next week to see how you’re doing. In the meantime, maybe look into something to take your mind from it. You know, like a hobby or something.”

“Well, that sounds fabulous, Dr. Leslie, but my work
is
my hobby. It doesn’t leave time for much else.”

“Well, make time, Gabby. Your emotional well-being is the most important thing. It’s at the core of everything else.”

Yeah, I will put that right on top of my “to do” list, Doctor Leslie, right after getting laid.
I walked out of her office, not feeling like I had accomplished much at all. I humored her by saying that I had to check my work schedule before making my next appointment, knowing full well that I had no intention of doing so. For right now, my mind would be fully occupied as I headed into work for the 3 to 11 shift and then, foolishly, agreeing to work a double on top of that. Maybe Doctor Leslie was right. I did need a hobby instead of working myself to death, trying to justify my pathetic existence.