A Walk Through Fire (11 page)

“Because you’re in love with him.”

He choked on his drink, then wiped his mouth and set the glass on a small nearby table. “Esther, I can’t imagine why you’d say something so ridiculous but—”

“Deny it to my face.” Her bright blue eyes challenged him.

He opened his mouth, then shut it. Then opened it again. “I’m not in love with Drew.” Even to his ears, his muttered denial sounded weak at best.

“Asher, dear, I know life has not been easy for you, am I right?”

He jerked a small nod, his gaze darting between the floor and her gentle face.

“The first thing you have to learn is to love yourself and believe you’re worthy to receive love. Only then can you have a healthy relationship with another person.”

At that he barked out a harsh laugh. “Love, love, love. All this talk of love. You say I’m in love with Drew, that I have to love myself. I’m sorry, Esther, but I gave up on love, Santa, and the Easter Bunny when I was a young boy.” He rubbed his arms. “None of them ever appeared in my house when I was growing up.”

“Someone hurt you, didn’t they?” Those knowing eyes held his. “I’ll never repeat what you’ve told me, but after all these years it might feel good to get it off your chest.”

Never had he been this vulnerable, not since Mr. Frank had taken him in. But Esther had those same wise eyes. Eyes that looked as though they’d seen things too, things she could never forget.

Ash needed several deep breaths of restorative air, before he finally answered her. “I was only a child, but I was made to do and see things that no one should have to endure.” He reached out to her, and she grabbed his hand. “I can’t speak about it, still. I want to, but seeing these kids now, helping them brings it all back into full focus.” Her little hand held his in a surprisingly warm, firm grip, and he held on to it as a lifeline for the moment.

“I haven’t been sleeping well, and today one of the kids got to me in a way that hasn’t happened in a long time. Drew found me, and it…well, let’s say it wasn’t my finest moment.”

Esther said nothing, merely held his hand, giving him a squeeze of support every now and then.

“I shouldn’t be telling you this, should I? That when Drew found me and comforted me and I…I…” He gulped nervously, embarrassed to continue, but what the hell. He’d come this far already; his humiliation might as well be complete. “I wanted him to hold me and not let go. For the first time in my life I wanted…I felt…” He dropped Esther’s hand, burying his face in his shaking palms. “Oh God, I’m so sick of life. It’s too much for me sometimes.”

“I know, dear boy—”

“I’m sorry, Esther, but you don’t know. You don’t know the deep dark hell that some people go through every day of their lives. The despair they feel that life is hopeless and why bother to get up in the morning.” He faced her, his eyes streaming. “You can’t understand.”

She sat silent for a while, her face turned toward the window. “How little you young people know about what my generation has seen. Or you do know but choose to forget.” Ash stared in silence as she pushed up the sleeve of her sweater to reveal the numbers tattooed on her arm.

His throat seized, and he lost the ability to speak. Not Esther, not this sweet, loving woman. How had she managed to make it out alive?

“Man’s inhumanity to man, they said.” Her voice quivered slightly. “I saw it all. I won’t burden you with my own tales of horror.” Finally she looked him full in the face, her eyes shining with tears. “But I know about despair. I know about fear.” Once again she reached out to him. This time he slipped down to sit at her feet, clasping her hand in his. “But one thing I never gave up was hope. When you give up hope, then you are truly lost. Never give up hope, darling Asher. Never.”

“What I hope for, Esther, can never come to pass.” A brush of his forearm over the wetness of his eyes cleared his vision in more ways than one. “I’m sure you want Drew to marry a nice woman, settle down, and have babies.”

Simply saying those words hurt his heart. Never in his life had he been more confused. This wasn’t him. His only goal had always been pleasure, whenever and wherever he could find it. To fuck and be fucked. Feelings, personal involvement, none of it ever entered his plans, but somewhere along the way, he’d gone off course, now with disastrous results.

Through the open window he heard a car door slam and Drew’s voice, along with his sister’s and his other friends’, drifted into the house. “Drew’s back. I don’t want him to see me like this, and I appreciate your willingness to keep our conversation private.”

“You have my word. But know one thing.” She stopped his departure from the room by the tone of her voice. “The only thing I want for my grandchildren is for them to be happy. They’ve had enough tragedy in their lives. However and whomever they choose to love and spend the rest of their lives with is up to them.” She walked out and left him, standing in shock.

* * * *

Drew thrust one of the bags of Chinese takeout into Jordan’s hands. “Here, make yourself useful and take this.”

“Chill out, man. What’s crawled up your ass?” Jordan hefted the bag and passed it to Mike. He reached for one of the others in Drew’s hand. “Here. Give me another one.”

Rachel pulled up in her car and beeped her horn. “Hey, guys.” She slammed the car door shut and ran over to give Drew a kiss. “How’s it going, D, Jordy?” She turned to say hello to Mike, who scowled at her. “What’s the matter with you?”

“You didn’t lock the car, did you? Didn’t I warn you last night—”

The bottom dropped out of Drew’s stomach. “Last night? How did you… Wait. You mean you two…” His gaze ricocheted between his best friend and his sister, both of whom wouldn’t meet his eye but were blushing bright red. He dropped the bag of food and pinned Mike against his car. “Sneaking around behind my back with my sister? What the fuck, Levin? You couldn’t come and tell me?”

Rachel pulled at his arms, crying in his ear. “Mike wanted to tell you, but I said not to.” Tears dripped down her cheeks. “We weren’t sneaking around; it sort of happened. Can’t you understand that?” Sniffling, she pressed against Mike’s chest, and Drew’s jaw tightened when his friend’s arms drew her close. “Haven’t you ever been unexpectedly attracted to someone before?”

“What’s going on out here?”

His gaze jerked to the front door of his grandmother’s house as he heard her calling out. She stood on the steps, peering over at them, Ash by her side, a frown twisting his lips.

“Everyone come inside, now.”

On silent feet they traipsed into the house and stood in the kitchen as Esther, with Ash standing next to her, grim and resolute as a granite-faced sphinx, flayed them with her tongue as if they were children, not grown men over thirty.

“What is the meaning of arguing in the street like common hoodlums? If you have a disagreement, you come inside and discuss it like civilized people.” Her gaze shifted to Drew, and he swallowed hard, uncomfortable at being the first under her sharp regard.

“I gather she told you about her and Michael.”

Stunned, he lost the power of speech momentarily. “She…she told you?” He raked his sister with an accusing glare, watching her wilt against Mike. “I thought we were closer than that.”

“Oh no, don’t try and make her feel guilty.” Nana’s voice cut through him like a whip. “There are some things women talk about with each other first, before we discuss them with men. Do you know Rachel’s main concern was how you would react? It wasn’t the happiness of being in love. It was about you.”

He shoved his hands in his jeans pockets and kicked the toe of his sneaker back and forth across the kitchen floor. This was the last thing he’d ever expected. Mike? Fun-loving, hard-partying Mike? With his little sister? From the corner of his eye he could see the tenderness with which his friend held Rachel, soothing her as she buried her face in his shoulder. His gaze then rested on Ash, who also concentrated on Mike and Rachel, but with a confused and uncertain expression.

But Nana wasn’t finished. “Who are you, Drew, to tell your sister or anyone who they should love? This isn’t the same thing as when she warned you about that snake you were marrying. She was truly a bad person. But Michael?” She gave him a fond look, and Drew remembered how much Nana loved his two friends and how she’d visited Mike as often as she could in the hospital during his recovery. “Michael is a wonderful young man who loves her.”

The full force of her blazing blue eyes turned back on him. It didn’t matter that he was her only grandson; she would never let him get away with what she perceived as a wrong. And obviously, not supporting his baby sister and his best friend as a couple was wrong.

“No one has the right to tell anyone who they should or shouldn’t love. Maybe one day you’ll fall in love again, and the person won’t be someone we would’ve expected.” When she slipped her arm inside the crook of his elbow, only then could he tell by the shaking of her slight frame how emotionally overwrought his grandmother was.

“It’s all right, Nana; I’m sorry. Don’t get so upset.”

“Don’t treat me like a china doll. I’m more aware of what goes on in this world than you think.” With her free hand she beckoned Rachel to come stand by her. Mike rubbed her shoulders and whispered in her ear. Rachel nodded and came over to them. “Sweetheart, tell your brother how you feel.” Nana withdrew her arm from his and shooed out Jordan and Ash. “Come, boys. Let’s leave them alone now.”

Ash leaned over and kissed Nana’s cheek. “Actually, Esther, I’m going to head out. I have a case I need to prepare for.” He made his good-byes and left.

Shocked over Ash’s precipitous leave-taking, Drew nevertheless concentrated his full attention where it belonged. On Rachel and Mike. “So. How long have you two, you know…?” Shrugging he couldn’t go on. What was he supposed to ask—how long his sister and best friend had been sleeping together? Um. No, thank you.

“Look, Rach, forget it. Nana’s right. It’s none of my business. I wish you could’ve told me sooner. But I understand why you thought I might freak out.” Their gazes caught, and they both burst into laughter at the same time. “I love you, sweetie pie. If you want to be with Mike, it’s fine, but God only knows why when there are so many better men in the city.”

“Douche bag.” Mike snorted.

“Hey.” Rachel hugged him tight. “Thank you.”

“Love you, Rachey.”

“Love you too, D.”

Now to deal with his friend. “Levin, come here.” He folded his arms across his chest, glowering at Mike, who gave back as good as he got. For the first time in a while Drew looked at Mike as someone who might be his brother one day. Tall, brawny, and blond, Mike Levin had never lacked for female companionship, despite the loss of almost all the hearing in his left ear. Now that Drew thought about it, recently Mike had been quieter, more settled than he’d ever been in the past.

When they were face-to-face, Drew poked him in the chest. “If you ever hurt her, I’ll kill you.”

“If I ever hurt her, I’ll let you do it. But I won’t, D.” He threw a loving glance at Rachel. “I never saw it coming, but she’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”

And that was that. Nothing else mattered, did it? Anyone with half a brain could see the chemistry between Mike and Rachel now that he was aware of it. The man couldn’t take his eyes off her. That’s the way it should be, and once again Drew was reminded of his own failure of a marriage and lack of a love life.

“Well, all right, man. Be good to her.”

“Promise, D.”

The three of them hugged, but it was Mike she stayed with now, her face glowing and Mike’s arm remaining in a possessive hold over her. Drew heard a sniffle and glanced over his shoulder. Nana stood in the doorway, wiped her eyes and smiled.

“I’m glad that’s settled. Drew, will you help me heat up the food, please?” With neat, precise movements she put on her apron and pulled out the foam plates they would eat the Chinese food on. “Why don’t the rest of you go outside and enjoy the nice weather?” After shooting each other quizzical looks, Jordan, Mike, and Rachel headed out to the backyard.

Obviously, his grandmother had something on her mind she wanted to speak to him about. He took out multiple boxes of food and set them on the counter. “Can I ask you something, Nana?”

Her hands stilled on the door of the microwave. “You aren’t still angry about Rachel and Michael, are you?”

“What? No.” He shook his head. “I get it, and I’m fine with it.” Jordan and Mike tossed a football around in the backyard with Rachel in the middle, laughing and screeching at them to let her catch it once. A smile crossed his lips. Maybe it was inevitable that Mike and Rachel would fall in love.

And as usual, he was the odd man out. Jordan had Keith, and now Mike had Rachel. Not that Drew missed Jackie, at all. What he missed was someone to wake up with, to hold and to hold him.

He hated being alone. Even as a child, he’d beg to go wherever his parents went, even if it was only to the supermarket. It was part of the reason he’d gotten the cat after his marriage broke up. But as much as he loved Domino, it wasn’t the same as having someone to share his bed and his body with.

“What happened with Ash when I went to get the food? Everything was fine until you said you wanted to talk. The next thing I know, he looked miserable and hightailed it out of here as fast as he could.”

For the first time his grandmother looked disconcerted. “We spoke, and I told him of my past, in the camps.” A tear rolled down her face, and in an instant, he went to her, holding her close. “That poor boy has seen so much pain in his life. I never knew his trouble ran so deep.”

A current of unease ran through him. “What are you talking about?”

Nana’s head tipped back to look into his eyes. “You mean you and he have never talked?” Her voice rang with surprise. “I thought you two were very close.”

For a few moments he studied her face. He spoke sharper than usual. “What does that mean? Very close?” Jesus, he’d never acted this rude to his grandmother before. Biting back another harsh retort, he managed to control his temper. “Why would I be close with him? You don’t know him very well, Nana, but he isn’t a nice person. He sleeps around, he has few friends, and he doesn’t really care about anybody except himself. There’s a reason he’s alone. He likes it that way.”