A Walk In The Wilderness (40 page)

   David and Linda!  She knew it in her heart!  Something had definitely happened between them on the American tour.  David had been unfaithful to her?  While she was pregnant with his baby.  While he was still hers!  Finally, she numbly hung up the phone. 

     She had thought that she had no more capacity to feel. That she was through the worst of it.  She’d been wrong.
So wrong
!  She sat on the bed like a zombie, as the pain took hold in her heart. 

     It was like losing him again, on a whole new level.  A whole new dimension of loss and pain.  It was pure betrayal.  Though Caitlin knew what it was to be lonely and unloved, and had nearly resigned herself to living alone in this mausoleum of a house, such betrayal was a new experience.

    It worked its way down into her heart with cold, biting fingers of nausea and pain.  It found the pit of her stomach and curled it, twisted it mercilessly.  Left her feeling like she had a hard, bitter rock in the pit of her, that she couldn’t dislodge.  It wouldn’t let her breathe, wouldn’t let her heart beat.  It gripped her with an intensity that she couldn’t escape.

     She’d thought that even if David never came back to her emotionally, at least she’d have the memories of their love to treasure, to recall when she looked at him.  This would give her patience to deal with the cold, unavailable David that she was now faced with. 

     But, this new revelation robbed her of everything – of the illusion she’d once had, that she was special to David.  That he’d really cared.  It shattered the foundations of her very life.  For David, available to her or not, had been her life.  But she, like David, had been deceived.

    Slowly, David began to come to grips with all that had happened.  He totally understood that Grace had made Caitlin do what she’d done, but it didn’t lessen the sense of loss and betrayal he felt.  It had been such a shock!  He and his mother were so close!  And there had been too much disappointment, too soon, after so much happiness.  He’d been left so utterly empty and stunned.

     He'd come home for rest and solace and healing;  only to find that his dear mother was slipping away and his minimal access to her was severely curtailed and clinically monitored by a stiff-necked nurse.  When he was with her she rarely even knew him.

     And Cait had gone along with it!  She'd done nothing to clue him in; nothing to give him time with his Mum before she'd gone into the abyss of pain and mindless drug-induced stupor. 

     One afternoon he sat in his office, looking out the window, just doing nothing.  Sitting.  He mindlessly opened a drawer and took out his pistol.  He just looked at it, feeling detached.  He ran a finger along the barrel. 
It would be so easy
, the thought came to him. 
End all this pain.  Immediately, forever.  Done with it all
.  “
What does it matter now?
” A voice mocked him.  “
Who gives a damn anyway?  You're nothing.  You're alone.  You're worthless and a waste.  Nobody cares about you!”
it accused
.  “They didn't tell you because you're no damn good anyway.  What exactly is it you think you'd have done if you'd known?  Come home and save the day?  This is reality;  you have no control.  You have nothing!  End it!  End your worthless life!  If anybody gives a shit by some chance it will serve them right for what they've done!”

    
David sighed.  He
was so tired and discouraged; so hopeless.  He felt as empty and worthless as the accusiong voice said he was  It felt absolutely right.   

     David was suddenly roused by the flicker of a tiny flame in his heart.  “No.”  he said forcefully.  Those were not
his
thoughts. 

    
“You have no right!”
he told himself angrily. 
“You don't have the right to make that decision and no one should have to tell you that!  You live because God breathed life into you; and you will live until He says it is time to move on.  It doesn't matter how much pain and loss there are;  you don't make that decision -- ever!”
 

     fsHe put the gun away and pushed away from the desk.  He dropped his head in his hands.  God, what was happening to him?

      He looked around him, realizing that he’d been doing things by rote for a long time.  Not even thinking, not wanting to feel.  The heavy sadness in his heart was slowly killing him.  

     It took a great act of will to reach for his Bible.  But he did it.  He felt the leather of the cover.  He just sat looking at it for a long time.  He was afraid to open the book.  His hands on the cover shook;  they were too heavy to move or act

     “
There is nothing in there you don’t know.  You've read it all!  fsThere is nothing that is going to help you!
”  A voice in his head chided.

    
“How do you know?”
  he managed to argue. 
“How many times have I found fresh help and inspiration?”
  He opened the Book before any further discouragement could battle for control.  He thumbed through the familiar pages until his fingers stopped.

    
“The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon Me.  He has anointed me to preach good news … To heal the sick … broken hearted.  Garland of joy ... for weeping”.
  He mumbled. 

     Reading Jesus’ commission, something sparked within him. 
“Then He closed the book”,
he read.  David added in revelation,
“He left the temple; and went out into the world; and did all those things.  There is a time to close the book – and begin to actually do something about it!”

     Suddenly, he understood.  He got to his feet.  Anger burned from his head to his toes, thinking of how he’d weakly sat,  and just let this just happen to them!  He let strength fill him for a few moments.  Then, he went to his mother’s room. 

     Grace saw someone come through the door.  The pain made everything just hazy and dim.  It was all-encompassing.  She wanted to give up and go.  She wanted it desperately.  She was so very tired of the pain!

      “Katherine Grace Majors.”  A deep voice penetrated the pain. 

      “Yes?”  she managed to answer weakly.

      “What are you doing?  You know it’s not your time to go!  Get up out of that bed!”

      “What?” she exclaimed uncertainly.

     “When you leave this earth, it won’t be cancer that takes you!  Be gone, you filthy robber!  Release her, and leave this house! 
Now!
” the man’s voice commanded.

    Grace felt almost a lurching, and then -- sudden peace.  She looked up and realized that the haze was gone!  David was standing there, with burning eyes.  
Her David!
  He was holding her hand.  She was weak, so weak, but the pain was …
gone!

     David finally let go of his mother’s hand, and went to the intercom. 

   “Cookie, I want you to make mother some juice.  Fresh apples, carrots and broccoli.  Do you have what you need?” he asked briskly.

    “Why, yes, Mr. David.  There’s one of them juicer machines, a fancy one.  Use it for the orange juice sometimes.”

     “Good.  Follow up with some of that in an hour.”  He added with satisfaction.

    Ten minutes later, Cookie came in with a glass of thick, funny-colored green stuff.  “Here you be, Mr. David.”  She said with perplexed obedience.

     “Thank you.  I want you to keep alternating this with everything fresh you can think of to put in it.  We are going to force feed her every day.  And lots of clear, cold water, too.”

     “Yes, sir.”  Cookie answered.  It was a habit.  Mrs. Grace hadn’t eaten or even managed much to drink for a couple days.  Her time was come.

    “What are you doing?”  the nurse asked brusquely, entering the room quickly.

    “Getting my mother well.” David answered evenly.  He put the glass to Grace’s parched lips.

     “I’m afraid that’s just not possible.  Mr. David, she hasn’t taken in much for awhile now.  She’s not going to be able to …”

     Just then,Grace obediently opened her lips for David, and sipped a little bit.  The nurse watched in stunned silence.  When Grace was ready, David forced her to drink a little bit more.

     He looked up at the nurse calmly.  “How much do you get paid?” he asked gently.

      “Why … by the month.  Five thousand pounds.”  She answered uncertainly. 

    David got his mother’s cheque book from her purse.  He calmly wrote a cheque out, and handed it to the subdued nurse.  “Thank you for all you have done for her.  I will take care of her myself, from here on out.  You’re an excellent nurse, and I would be most happy to provide references.”  He said.  “There’s an extra month’s wages to see you through, until you have another position.”

     “Why … that’s most generous of you.”  She said slowly.   She supposed that it was all right.  The patient was going to die within days, anyway.  There was nothing that could be done, but try to keep her comfortable.  David’s ignorant care couldn’t affect his mother adversely, now.

     “Her medications are laid out in the box for the next week.”  She advised in a clinical voice.  “lf you should need to refill it, just follow the pattern on the sheet of paper, and what’s in the box already.  There is medication for breakthrough pain on the bedside table.”  She advised evenly.  “And the number for hospice, as well.”

     David smiled absently, and nodded.  The nurse said goodbye.  She turned and went to pack her things. 

    Cookie followed her, worriedly asking if it was really all right, for David to do this.  The nurse explained in a low voice once they were in her room, how it was.  She let Cookie know that sometimes, family members did choose to dismiss the nurse a few days before.  To be alone with the loved one at the end.  That it would be all right.  She helped Cookie understand that sometimes, people got a bit strange, knowing they were going to lose someone important to them. 

    Cookie began to understand.  She went to the kitchen to see about the oranges Mr. David wanted.

     David sat down wearily in the chair beside Grace's bed.  He picked up his mother’s hand, and smiled at her. 

     “David!”  she said joyfully, but weakly. “When did you get home?”

     Caitlin saw the nurse leaving, and knew it could only mean one thing.  If
she
wasn’t needed any longer, then Grace was gone.  Gone, or ready to go.  She didn’t want to face David’s grief. 

     God forbid – what if he should try to turn to her now?  If he did, she didn’t know what she would do!  She was afraid of her own weakness, afraid that she might give in and comfort him.  Give in, and open herself up to believe the lie, again.  To risk  facing devastation one more time.  That, she didn’t want to do!

     She called James.  “James,” she said quietly,  “I need to go to town.   Could you please bring the car around?”

     “Yes, Ma’am.”  James answered immediately.

     Caitlin packed an overnight type bag, and took a hanging bag with a few good outfits.  That was all.  She saw no need to leave a note, David obviously wouldn’t need one.  She doubted he’d notice that she was gone.  Yet … she didn’t want him to wonder, should he care at all.  She wrote out a brief explanation.

    “
David, I’m so sorry that I have been such a disappointment to you. I really had no idea how deeply disappointed you were, with me.  I am sorry about Grace;  sorry about the baby; sorry that I didn’t tell you the things you wanted to know.   I just really can’t face Grace’s passing now, and your grief.  I can’t bear any more loss.  Sorry to have let you down, so.”

     “Best wishes to you always, and thanks for your help at a crucial time in my life.”

      “Caitlin
”

      She went out the front door without looking back. 

     David spent the early morning with Grace.  Then, he had a nagging feeling that he should talk to Caitlin.  He certainly needed to do some mending on that front, as well.  He could only imagine what she was thinking, they’d grown so far apart over the past months. 

     He didn’t know if it could be mended, really.  There was so much hurt – the baby, the deceit.  He knew it hadn't been malicious, but the result was the same.  Still, he couldn’t really imagine life without her; she was still the only one for him.  He had to try.

     He looked around the house, but didn’t find her.  He went to the barn finally, to see if by chance, she’d gone riding.  He doubted it, because of her back, but it seemed the only thing left that she might have done.

      Looking around, he saw that all the horses were accounted for. 

     Jana came out of the tack room and gave him a fleeting smile.   “Hey.”  She said evenly.  “So Caitlin went away for a few days?”

     David’s attention was immediately riveted on her.  “Why do you say that?” he asked sharply.

     Jana took an uncertain step back.  She wasn’t used to that tone from David.  “Well; it's just what James said.” She explained hastily.

      “Tell me what you know.”  He insisted, taking her arm roughly.

     “Well, just that James took her to town.  When he came back, he mentioned that she was carrying two bags.  You know, just conversation.  He said she had an overnight type case, and one of those fold-over suit bags.  I just thought …”

      “Where is James?”  David answered shortly. 

      “In the garage, last I knew.”  Jana answered wonderingly.

      He went to Caitlin’s room.  Her closet looked nearly full.  He looked closer.  A small suitcase was gone.  He scratched his chin and thought.  Then a note perched on her dresser caught his eye.  He read it. 

      A deep pain went through his heart.   Far sharper than anything he’d ever felt in his life.   He’d lost her!   Dear God, he’d really lost her!