A Vow to Love (15 page)

"If you came by to tout the thrills of marriage, you should have left the munchkins at home," he retorted drily.

Dana waved her hand dismissively. "Don't give me that. You adore them, even when they're screaming and soggy. It's not my kids who have you scared senseless. It's the prospect of commitment, isn't it?"

Sam really didn't want to get into this. Unfortunately, knowing his sister, he wasn't going to have a choice. "Let's face it, Dana, we didn't have much of an example," he said finally. "We don't even know if our father is alive or not."

She didn't deny it. "I've overcome that," she reminded him.

"Yeah, well, I haven't. Besides, the guy you got was one in a million. He's let you be yourself."

"Are you suggesting that Penny won't let you be yourself?"

"She hates the fact that I'm a cop."

"Has she asked you to give it up?"

"No," he admitted.

"Couldn't it be that she's just afraid of losing you? Isn't that natural? I'm terrified every time I think about you getting involved in some dangerous undercover assignment. I spent hours in that hospital waiting room ranting and raving about getting you off the force if you survived this last time. Ask Jason about the threats I made. But the bottom line is, you can't protect us from fear."

"But I don't have to see the fear in your eyes," he said bleakly. "Penny tries so damned hard not to let me see how scared she is, but it's always there. She was the most trusting, innocent human being in the world until she met me. She loved people, believed in their innate goodness. Being with a cop has made her see the rotten side of things, things she shouldn't have to know about. She'd never even seen a guy like Tank before she came here, much less been victimized by one."

"Don't you think you're being a little hard on yourself? Not everyone in the world is good and kind, and Penny was awfully naive if she believed that they were. Maybe it was time she took off her blinders, if she ever had them on in the first place. Los Angeles isn't exactly a crime-free mecca of serenity."

He refused to be swayed. "A man's supposed to protect the woman he loves from the bad things, not bring her smack into the midst of them."

"Is that how she feels?"

"She must. Just look what happened with Tank."

"He hurt you, not her."

"If she feels the way you seem to think she does, I'm not sure she'd see the distinction. Besides, for a while there he was after her."

"And you stopped him from getting anywhere near her," she countered reasonably.

"It was my fault he was after her in the first place."

She regarded him with exasperation. "Oh, for heaven's sake, will you give it a rest? That's over, done with, kaput. The sleaze is in jail. It has nothing to do with the future."

"There are a lot of kids like Tank in the world."

"And a lot more like Randy. And like my munchkins," she reminded him. "I still say you should be asking Penny how she feels about it."

"I know how she feels."

She shot him a look filled with disbelief. "Oh, really? Have you actually asked? Never mind. I know the answer. You're just going to make that decision for her, because you think you, the almighty male, must know what's best for her." She shook her head, clearly disgusted. "Get real, Sammy. If she's smart enough for you to fall in love with her, then she's smart enough to make her own decisions."

"You may be right," he admitted, carefully placing the baby back into her carrier. "But I won't take that kind of chance."

He leaned down and brushed a kiss across Dana's furrowed brow. "Stop worrying, sis. You and the munchkins are enough family for me."

"If you believe that, Sam Roberts, then you're a bigger fool than I ever imagined."

He winked at her. "Could be."

"Sammy!"

"Later, sis."

"You can't walk out on company."

"Sure I can. I've got things to do. Besides, you're family. You'll understand."

He could hear Jennifer Margaret's wailing and Dana's curses all the way down the hall. Despite the fact that he was the target of their protests, he found himself chuckling. He seemed to be surrounded by women of all ages who thought they knew what was best for him and had no hesitation whatsoever about expressing it.

S
ome pull that Sam couldn't have defined if his life had depended on it drew him to Penny's lab a few nights later. He had a long list of excuses. He ticked them off.

It was a hot, muggy evening.

His apartment was like an oven.

He needed to get out, try to find a breeze.

He had cabin fever.

He needed a long walk to get his strength back.

He was getting restless after being cooped up for days on end.

Dana's worried phone calls were getting to him and the only way to escape them was to get away from the damn phone.

Oh, he had lots of reasons for getting out of the apartment, all right. Not one of them mentioned anything about going by the lab.

Destination or not, that's where he wound up. Once there, he tried to convince himself that all he wanted was a quick glimpse of Penny, just to make sure she was okay. It didn't seem to matter that Tank was in jail. Sam hadn't been able to shake the feeling that something was wrong and that it was up to him to discover what that might be. The past couple of weeks had to have been traumatic for her and most of the blame for that was his. He had a responsibility to make sure she'd gotten over it, right?

Yeah, right. But no matter how he tried to explain it away in rational terms, this sudden compulsion to come by the lab tonight worried him. Had he gotten so used to looking out for her, to caring about what happened to her, that he couldn't give it up, after all, even though there was nothing personal between them?

Nothing personal,
he mocked. Vivid, erotic images came back to haunt him with stunning clarity. He tried to block the memories with every last shred of willpower he possessed. He wondered if Penny was having the same difficulty. And if she was, if he was her single biggest problem, how would he handle that?

He lingered in the shadows, watching as the lights went out in the lab, waiting for her to exit the building. Suddenly, to his deep regret, Randy materialized beside him.

"How come you're here?" the teenager demanded. "I thought you and Ms. Hayden had a fight."

There was no mistaking the accusing note in his voice. "It wasn't a fight," Sam replied defensively. "Not exactly. Look, it's between Penny and me, okay?"

"You made her cry."

The knife in Sam's heart twisted. The last thing he'd been looking for tonight was someone else to lay the blame for this mess squarely on his doorstep. "How do you know that?"

"I saw her."

"But what makes you think it had anything to do with me?"

Randy regarded him with supreme disgust. "I asked, man. That's how you find out stuff."

"And she actually told you that she was crying over me?"

The teenager shook his head. "What she said was that some men were destined to go through life all alone unless they learned to deal with their feelings. She told me never to be afraid to say what was in my heart. You know, mushy stuff like that."

"And from that you figured that she was crying over me?" Sam said with amazement.

"Well, who else could she mean? You're the only man she worries about." He looked uneasy. "At least, you were."

Sam pinned him with a look. "What does that mean?"

"There's this guy, a doctor, I think. She's been with him almost every night after work."

"The same one you mentioned before," Sam said sarcastically, reminding Randy of the made-up suitor he had used to try to get a rise out of Sam. The last time it had worked. Not again.

"Nah, this one's real." Randy gestured toward the lab. "See?"

Sure enough, Penny was emerging from the building, chatting with some guy wearing a white lab coat, a stethoscope tucked in his pocket. He was tall and distinguished-looking, the kind of substantial, well-connected man she deserved, Sam decided, forcing himself to be objective.

He couldn't seem to take his eyes off of her. She was wearing a summer dress he hadn't seen before, one that bared her delectable shoulders. Sam's gut tied itself in knots. He wanted to shout at her to put on the jacket she was carrying over one arm. He wanted to kiss the exposed skin until she trembled. Damn!

Something the man said made her laugh. Sam could hear the carefree sound floating on the breeze. His heart ached that the laughter hadn't been meant for his ears.

When the doctor casually draped his arm across her shoulders, a primitive, possessive rage roared through Sam. Every instinct told him to walk over there and claim her, but he remained right where he was, as if rooted there for eternity.

"What are you going to do about it?" Randy asked, watching him hopefully.

"Nothing," Sam said bleakly. He'd known this day would come eventually, had expected it, in fact. What he hadn't anticipated was how soon it would be and how much it would hurt.

"
Nothing?
Come on, man. You don't want to lose her."

"She's not mine to lose."

Randy regarded him with disgust. "Jeez, I guess that leaves it up to me."

Before Sam could stop him, Randy took off at a run, joining the couple as they started down the block. Penny greeted him with a smile, linking her arm through his, while Sam's stomach churned with envy.

But as badly as he wanted to, he couldn't make himself go after them. She was better off without him. They both knew that. At least, he did, and she would figure it out soon enough.

Since Sam couldn't follow them, he wandered back the way he'd come and spent the rest of the evening in his apartment downing Scotch in place of the painkillers he'd stopped days earlier. It left him not only disgruntled and depressed, but almost guaranteed a miserable hangover. He figured that was pretty much what he deserved for being such a damn fool. How had he allowed himself, even for a moment, to believe that anything as special as what he and Penny had shared the past few weeks could possibly last? He was the son of Paul Roberts, a man who hadn't known the first thing about commitment, a man who'd deserted his wife and children. The same sorry genes were at work in him.

"Have you had dinner yet?" Penny asked Randy when they were back in her neighborhood.

She wasn't sure she could bear another evening alone. All she did was worry about Sam and make herself sick wondering what she could have done to make things turn out differently. She'd been thrilled when Randy had come along just as she was on her way home.

"Not really," Randy said.

"Let's go to Rosie's, then. My treat." She gazed into his troubled brown eyes. "Do you have time?"

"Sure. It's just that...isn't that where you and Sam used to go?"

Struck by his amazingly mature sensitivity, she squeezed his hand. "Hey, it's okay. I'm not going to get all teary-eyed on you again."

"I don't care if you cry," he said, turning red. "I mean, I don't mind if you do it around me. I just don't like for you to be sad."

"I have no intention of letting Sam Roberts make me sad ever again," she vowed.

Randy looked skeptical. "If you say so." He glanced up at her, his expression sly. "I saw him tonight."

"Is he okay?" she asked at once, without thinking of how Randy would view the automatic response.

Randy grinned. "You guys are pathetic. You can't go five minutes without asking about him. He can't go five minutes without worrying about you. But you won't see each other. I don't get it."

Frankly, Penny wasn't so sure she got it, either. "It's just the way it is," she said wearily.

"But it doesn't have to be that way. You should have seen the way he looked when he saw you with the doc tonight."

"Sam saw us? He was at the lab?"

"Waiting around outside," Randy confirmed. "It made him crazy when he saw you with another guy. I didn't tell him that you usually just walk to the bus stop together. He thought it was like a date or something."

Penny sighed. It might have made Sam crazy, but he hadn't done anything about it. He was still refusing to acknowledge his feelings for her, and as long as he was so blasted determined to remain aloof, there was nothing she could do.

"Well?" Randy prodded. "Don't you think that means something? He looked really angry. That must mean he cares, right?"

"Believe me, if I understood the way Sam's mind worked, we wouldn't be in this mess. Come on. I'm starved," she said, pointedly changing the subject.

Randy regarded her with obvious disappointment, but that was nothing compared to the expression on Rosie's face when she learned that Sam would not be joining them.

"What is the matter with him? Did that crazy boy with the knife do something to his brain? No. The cut was to his stomach, but it has affected his mind." She patted Penny's hand. "Do not worry. I will fix this."

Oh, Lord,
Penny thought.
First Randy, now Rosie. Add in Brandon, Dana and whoever else felt inclined to meddle and Sam was likely to head for Wyoming and take up cattle ranching.

"Please. Let it be," she pleaded. "He has to work this out for himself."

"He is a man," Rosie declared with disdain. "They do not work things out. They sulk like little boys. They need to be pushed into doing what is right."

The idea of anyone pushing Sam into doing anything he didn't want to do made Penny smile.

"See," Rosie declared triumphantly. "You agree."

"No. Yes. Oh, for heaven's sake, Rosie, you know Sam better than I do. Has he ever taken advice from anyone?"

Rosie frowned. "No," she conceded.

"He rebels, right?"

"Yes."

"Then it's best to leave him alone."

Rosie regarded her worriedly. "You will wait for him to make up his mind?"

Penny shrugged. "I don't really have any choice. I've fallen in love with the hardheaded jerk."

"All right!" Randy said, beaming at her and giving a high five to Rosie.

Penny glared at them. She was delighted to see that they thought it mattered one whit what she felt. Sam was the troublesome one, not her.

The phone call came several days later at an incredibly impolite hour, after midnight. However, it was only nine-thirty in California and Penny guessed even before she heard the voice on the other end of the line that it would be her grandfather. Obviously he'd made the call late at night her time in the vain hope that she would remain speechless until he'd had his say.

"What is wrong with you?" Brandon grumbled without bothering with any polite chitchat. "Hell, girl, you should have that boy tied in knots by now."

"Excuse me, but what
boy
is that?"

"Oh, for heaven's sake, don't play dumb with me. You and Sam. What's taking so long?"

"I wasn't aware that we were on a timetable."

"I'm not going to live forever, you know."

Penny had serious doubts about that. Brandon would stick around as long as he had descendents whose lives he could toy with. "Don't pull that with me," she said. "I'm not falling for it. Besides, why would I marry anyone just because it suited you?"

To her satisfaction, that silenced him.

"You resisting this just because it was my idea?" he inquired finally.

"I am resisting it because Sam Roberts is just about the most stubborn, most bullheaded man I have ever known and he is no more interested in marriage than I am." Okay, so it was at least half a lie. The truth wouldn't get her off this phone and back to sleep.

Brandon chuckled. "Guess it's just a matter of time, after all."

"I wouldn't hold my breath, if I were you."

"You know he's going back on assignment again," he said slyly. "Something dangerous. Won't even tell me what it is."

Randy hadn't said anything about that at dinner earlier in the week. In fact, he hadn't even hinted that Sam was back at work. Mrs. Farnsworth had told her that the chief had refused to allow Sam back on the job the first time he'd shown up at the station.

Maybe it was a recent development, then. She couldn't deny that the news set off a pang of anxiety. What if it was still too soon? What if he made a costly mistake? Again, for the thousandth time, she saw him on that sidewalk bleeding to death. Her whole body shook at the memory.

Still, Sam had made a decision about the way he wanted to spend his life. It wasn't up to her to try to change him. In fact, her fear was one of the very things standing between them, at least according to him.

"So?" she said to her grandfather, trying desperately to sound disinterested when what she really wanted was to know every detail about where he'd be, who would be his backup, how much danger was involved.

"Doesn't that worry you?" her grandfather demanded, sounding indignant.

"He knows what he's doing," she said, and suddenly realized it was true. She might not like what Sam did for a living, but she'd come to understand not only what it meant to him to try to save those kids, but exactly how good he was at it. Look at what he'd done for Randy. There were probably even more boys she didn't even know about.

It occurred to Penny that it might be a good time to tell him that, just in case something went wrong and she never had another chance. Her heart thudded dully at the thought of what her life would be like without Sam.

But going to Sam with this or anything else was pointless, she realized. If anything was ever to be resolved between them, he had to come to her. It had to be his decision.

"You're not going to try to stop him, are you?" her grandfather asked, clearly disappointed.

"No. It's his decision. It's his life on the line."

"Dammit, girl, don't you see? He doesn't think his life's worth anything."

With an ache in her chest that wouldn't go away, Penny was forced to acknowledge that what her grandfather said was true. Sam had never believed he mattered, not to her, not to anyone.

But how could she prove to him that he was wrong? And how could she do it before it was too late?

"You love him, don't you?" her grandfather asked, his voice gentler.

"Yes."

"Then tell him that."

"I already have. He doesn't believe it will last."