A Tiger in Eden (4 page)

We had a brilliant aul ride that night, she thought I was the bee’s knees after that. I was a bit sore in places where the English had hit me, didn’t feel it at the time of course but there was a couple of big bruises on my arms and back and a purple one forming on my leg where one of those twats kicked me with his aul pointy toes, probably hurt himself more. Claire ran her fingertips over them, her nails was dead short sure you can’t hardly keep good nails clean in the Thailand when you’re bumming around the beach and that. She traced the outlines like they were wee islands on a map and it was quite nice so it was just feeling the gentle touch of a woman after all that aul scrapping. Once in a while she pressed in on a bruise and I jumped and goes fuck sake you’re hurting me more than they did, she liked that but then she’d kiss me on the bruise and I’d forgive her.

It was funny seeing her long pale body crawling like an explorer over my aul tan hide, it made me dead rampant, but when I tried to roll her over she’d bite her lip and hold me down. I let her, knowing it was making her wet. She
found a couple of aul scars I’d forgotten about from when I was in a fight outside a pub and fell on some broken glass. She asked how I got them and I told her but then she asked about the big one down my side and I just said it was a long story. We’ve got all night, she goes.

Aye, I says, but I’ve got other plans.

Your tattoos are wild, she goes, pretty scary.

I didn’t say nothing, what can you say to that anyway?

She draped herself on me and was lying all quiet with her head on my chest when out of the blue she goes, you’d never let anyone hurt me, would you, Billy?

Love, I says, if any man laid a finger on you sure they’d be digging his bones up out of the desert in fifty years wondering who the fuck he was.

She goes, I’ve never felt so safe in my life.

No idea what happened to the English cunts. Last I saw them they were limping off crying to get First Aids, that’s not me being funny by the way that’s what it actually says on the sign, the Thais are a right crack-up so they are. Suppose they fucked off back to where they come from after that to talk about what big men they were and how brilliant Paul Gascoigne was and how they were going to win the next World Cup or something. Aye, sure good luck with that, you bunch of eejits.

Usually I wouldn’t mind giving lads like that a hiding, sure they deserved it so they did and I done much worse before, but I didn’t feel the best after to be honest. It wasn’t the aul bruises, they always fade, there was just something about the whole atmosphere of the place that
was starting to get me down. Maybe it was that I knew Claire wouldn’t hang around. Even though she liked me, after a wee while she’d be away on a plane just like the lads I’d given a beating to. They sort of win in the end ‘cos it’s just an aul holiday for them, just an adventure that’ll turn into stories to tell their pals. They get to go home whereas me, Loyalist hard man, big fucking whoop, sure I’m stuck so I am.

4

Phuket. Now there’s a place that’s well named. I went out about eleven to get some breakfast to soak up the booze. Lo and behold who should I see at the café down the road but these two blonde bints I’d clocked the day before. They looked bored as fuck but they were both already pretty tan. Not as dark as me, mind, but still not bad. I suppose they had fuck all else to do but lie on the beach. The older German men didn’t seem to like them being around, like they were seeing something they shouldn’t. Probably reminded them of their daughters. Their faces perked up at the sight of me so I went over to sit with them.

Bout ye ladies, I says. Youse picked a right spot for the holidays. They looked at each other funny and for a minute I thought fucking hell some of these aul German
cunts
have
brought their daughters with them, the sick bastards. Then one of them goes to me in perfect English, we didn’t know it was this bad, she says, we’ve only got a few days leave from work, we were staying in Malaysia but it was too weird. She had a strange accent. I could tell she was European but there was a bit of an American twang in there. Then the other one goes, this is just as bad, you’re the only young person we’ve seen, what are you doing in a place like this?

I ordered fried rice with an egg on top in the local lingo. I could see they were impressed but obviously I wasn’t going to tell them the truth of the matter so I says, same as youse, I heard the craic was good here but looks like we were misinformed, aye? Fucking sick, so it is, what do youse think?

They nodded. I could tell they were relieved I wasn’t a sex tourist like all the aul fellas but at the same time I was thinking I’d better get out of there pronto before one of the wee tan whores came along and says hello, Billy, how’s the rash, sorry about that by the way.

Don’t tell us youse two are German, I goes.

Nah, no way, the first one says with a look like she was chewing on a lemon. We’re Dutch. We work for KLM and we got free flights out here, we wanted to go somewhere nice and tropical but we’ll know better next time. Are you Scottish?

I get that all the time. Most cunts can’t tell the fucking difference but at least she asked rather than going what part of Scotland are you from. Nah, I says, I’m Irish.
That was playing it safe. She didn’t press it like most do and ask what part. I usually say Leitrim anyway, as no cunt’s heard of that. Sure I couldn’t even tell you where it was myself, like.

I love the Irish accent says the other one, whose hair was a bit darker and shorter than the first one though they looked pretty much the same in the face. The first one had bigger tits. I could hardly take my eyes off them the whole time but the second one had nipples you could hang your coat on. Since I’d sat down they’d been straining against her blue bikini top. They were both wearing sarongs around their bottom halves and expensive sunglasses. D&G on the both of them, probably got them cheap in the duty free working for the airline and all.

Aye? I says, sure youse have got lovely accents yourselves. Your English is cracker, so it is. How much longer are youse staying?

We’re flying back down to KL tomorrow night, the first one goes. What a dump. The men down there are horrible.

Aye, I says, two gorgeous blonds like youse, I suppose you got a bit of hassle from the local lads.

It was unbelievable, the second one says, folding her big lips around the straw of her drink and looking at me over her glasses.

I felt a twitch in my shorts and pulled my chair in closer to the table.

Everywhere we went we’d get followed and well, other stuff too, you know.

She looked a bit embarrassed as she said this but I reckoned it was all for show.

The first one laughs and says, on our first day we bought some food from the hawker’s market and sat in the park. Then this guy just walked up and opened his zip and started masturbating in front of us.

You’re kidding me on, I says.

Seriously, she goes, he just stood there staring at us while he was doing it. We didn’t know what to do.

Put you off your laksa, I suppose.

She laughed quite loud and the second one started snickering too. Yeah! she says.

So what did youse do? Call the peelers?

We told him to fuck off and leave us alone but he just ignored us so we packed up to leave but by the time we did that he, you know, finished.

Did no one else see or say anything?

No! she goes, there were other people in the park too but he had his back to them. Can you believe it?

Fucking wild. Dirty bastard.

You’re not going to believe the next bit, the second one says, all flushed in the cheeks. This has happened to us five times so far on this holiday. Everywhere we go there’s men in the bushes or standing around playing with themselves.

Look on the bright side, I says, at least youse are getting plenty of attention from the fellas.

God, we wish, goes the second one and then the first one scolds her with her eyes. I mean, we wouldn’t mind
having some fun on this trip, I just don’t want to see cum spurting everywhere when I’m trying to eat a sandwich.

I thought that was funny as fuck and started laughing dead loud. Aye, right enough, I goes, hold the mayo please.

They looked at each other all wide eyes and burst out laughing. The first one touched me on the arm and says, thank God to meet someone normal for a change.

Aye, the place is full of weirdoes, I says, trying not to think of the ping-pong ball landing in my pint of Stella the night before. I’m getting out of here myself in a couple of days.

As soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew it was the truth. I’d had enough of Phuket already, even though I’d not been here more than a few weeks. It was time to move on and find somewhere else to shack up for a while, maybe mix it up with some good-looking young ones like these two honeys.

The second one was giving the first one the stares like she was trying to tell her something. The first one chewed on her bottom lip like she was making some big decision. I pretended to be oblivious and ate my rice. The first one let out a big sigh and said something to her mate in Dutch. I could tell it was a question from the way the other one answered all firm like. Obviously you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to work out it was me they were discussing.

I never let on and broke the fried egg up into the rice. The first one protested a bit and then the other one
nodded, rolled her eyes and made some concession. They both laughed a bit dirty then. Even though I couldn’t speak the Dutch, it was clear as fuck they were working out which one was going to get her jollies with me. Argue all you like ladies, I was thinking, this is a win-win situation for me, though it didn’t seem right that one of them should lose out. Fuck, I thought, if only Mark was here, he could of been my wingman. Then I ‘membered about him and that put me in a bad mood for a wee minute.

We’ve got a hire car, the first one says, and we thought we’d drive around to one of the resorts and use their beach for a change. We heard if you walk round the rocks it’s a bit more private. Do you want to come with us?

Sure, sounds good, I says, all casual like, though I was thinking private? You fucking beauty. If youse want to go and get ready, I’ll meet you back here in half an hour or something. I’m Billy, by the way.

They told me their names was Eva and Katelijn, though I had to get the one with the big nips to spell hers out for me. I could tell she liked hearing me say it. I waited until they were out of sight and then wolfed down the rest of the fried rice. I ran back to the room and had a shower, made sure my bollocks were shaved and my pubes were under control. I took a dump and shaved my face and all so’s I’d be ready for them. I slipped a couple of flunkies into the wee pocket on my swimming trunks and grabbed my towel. It wasn’t very clean but what can you do, sure it was just for lying on anyway.

I had a couple of pairs of aul sunglasses that I’d bought
at the market in Bangkok. I chose the Ray-Bans, they were the best ones. They were all fakes of course but they were dead cheap and who can tell the fucking difference anyway like? I threw on a short-sleeved white shirt, it looked beezer with the aul tan and covered up my tattoos so’s I wouldn’t scare the shite out of them. There was no mirror in the place but I felt pretty good, like I was yer man Pierce Brosnan or something, even though he’s a Fenian and in some soft shite movies.

The girls were waiting for me back at the café. They’d both changed their bikinis. Katelijn was wearing a limegreen number that looked cracker on her, so it did. Eva had on a black one. Blondes can’t usually get away with that but she was so tan it looked fucking amazing. Her tits were bulging out of it and I was glad she was driving so I couldn’t see her that well.

I sat in the back and Katelijn kept turning round for a banter as we were going across the island. It was slow going as there was so many of those wee mopeds the Thais all seem to love. We saw one where the fucker had his wife and three kids on the cunt. His wee baby was balancing between the handlebars. They didn’t have no helmets on or nothing. It’s a fucking mad place, so it is. The peelers’d pull you over in five minutes for that back home. The girls weren’t that fussed, like. Katelijn says they do the same thing on bikes back in Rotterdam.

Is that right, I says, sure youse are mad and all.

Yeah! she goes, we are a bit mad. She was getting herself all worked up, I think she was just nervous or
something. They must not have talked to a man in ages so I played it cool and pretended to like the music they were playing on the aul stereo. It was that Europop shite that you have to be pished to dance to. Anyone who’s ever done eccies in a good club hates that bollocks but I could’ve listened to Celine Dion if I thought Katelijn was going to open her legs for me.

Anyway we stopped in the car park of some fancy resort and wandered down to the beach. I thought we’d have to pay or someone would ask us what we were doing or something but there was no staff around, just a few families with blotchy sunburns. We walked right past them down the beach to the rocks. It was a bit dodgy climbing over them in sandals so I told the girls to take their shoes off and just watch where they were stepping. I led the way and they followed me until we came to this gap in the rocks where the sea was coming in. It wasn’t that wide but when Katelijn saw it she goes, shit we can’t go any further.