A Soul For Chaos (The Soulbearer Trilogy) (8 page)

She brushed a lock of hair back from his forehead, trailing her fingers along his face until she could lift his chin. The same emotion she’d glimpsed in Dev played out more fully on his face. She shivered from the intensity of it.

He wrapped his hand around hers. “You’re freezing. We need to get you out of those wet clothes.”

She laughed. “Same old Kell. Always trying to get me naked.”

“I’m serious, Arden. This is no laughing matter.” He caught her face in his hands. “I love you, and I almost lost you just now.”

Her breath could only come in short, sharp bursts. “What did you say?”

“I said I love you.” He then kissed her as though his lips could do a better job of conveying his feelings than his words.

But the words echoed through her mind. He loved her. No one had told her that since her mother died. A glow filled her, melting away her icy fear. She began kissing him back, savoring the touch of someone who cared about her and wasn’t afraid to show it.

The heat of his hands penetrated her wet clothes, reminding her of his intent to remove them. But even if she sloughed off the damp garments, she’d still be left cold. She wanted to feel those hands all over her body, warming her, teasing her, bringing her pleasure. She wanted to know the sensation of his bare skin against hers.

Still kissing him, she dug her fingers into his fine linen shirt and yanked hard enough to tear it. He broke off the kiss long enough for her to pull it over his head. Wariness filled his hazel eyes. “Arden, what are you—?”

She silenced him with another kiss, pushing him back onto the bed while she fumbled with the laces of her bodice. She needed to act now before she lost her courage.

Kell pried her fingers away from them. “Wait.”

Her throat tightened, and doubt replaced her hunger. Had he changed his mind about her?

And yet, desire still heated his gaze as he asked, “Are you certain?”

When Loku accused her of being afraid to live, she realized how much her fear had been holding her back, how much her mother’s memory kept her from discovering her own path. If she told Kell no now, would she ever have another chance to know what it felt like to be loved?

She pressed her hand against the wall, releasing a trickle of magic. The door slammed behind her, and the walls flashed blue from the ward she’d cast. No more interruptions. No more distractions. She wanted time to be alone with Kell and learn what it meant to be his lover.

“Yes.”

A grin split his face, and his arms tightened around her. Then he kissed her so thoroughly, she didn’t even notice that he’d already unfastened her dress and pushed the neckline down far enough to cup her breasts in his hands.

She waited for that nagging voice to tell her to stop, to caution her about the dangers of losing herself like this and the possible consequences, but it never came. Instead, her body hummed in pleasure as her dress fell into a heap in the corner and Kell lowered her head onto the pillow.

***

Dev stared at the closed door from across the cabin, part of him dying with each moan of pleasure he heard. Loku’s warning had come true. He’d pushed her away for too long, and now he’d lost her to Kell.

He closed his eyes and replayed every moment he’d spent with her since they’d met, wondering where he could have done things differently. No matter what he told himself, it always came back to that one morning when she’d asked if they could be something more, if he felt the same way about her that she did for him. He remembered every detail of that moment, from the way her eyes glistened from unshed tears to how hard it was to tear himself away from her and not crawl back into her bed. It was like ripping his own heart out when he told her no.

And now he regretted that moment more than any other moment in his long life. It weighed upon him like a heavy yoke and stung his heart like the lash of a whip. He was a prisoner of his duty, and there was no parole in sight for him.

He had no idea how much time had passed when the door creaked open. His clothes had dried and stiffened from the salt that caked the fabric. Night had fallen, and the glow of the oil lamp illuminated a path of light from her room to where he sat on the floor. Inside, he saw what he feared. Arden lay dozing in the bed, her blond hair fanned out around her and her bare shoulder peeking out from under the covers.

Kell stepped out, wearing only his breeches. At least he had the decency to stumble when he saw him. “Sorry, Dev. I didn’t know you were out here.”

Dev didn’t move from where he sat. “I’m her protector. It’s my responsibility to keep her safe.”

“She’s fine now.” Kell gently closed the door behind him and poured two glasses of wine.

“Of course. I assume you wasted no time undressing her and giving her a thorough examination.” Dev winced after he heard how bitter the words sounded to his own ears.

Thankfully, Kell kept his back to him. The only sign that he’d heard Dev came when he paused, the muscles of his back rippling when he breathed. Then the tension faded from the prince’s frame. He expected Kell to be gloating when he turned around, but the prince remained somber. “Perhaps the only protector she needs is me. In the end, it’s her decision. It’s
always
been her decision.”

Kell tucked a loaf of bread under his arm and retreated back into Arden’s room, closing the door behind him.

Dev stayed where he was, letting Kell’s words sink into his soul like a knife blade.
It’s her decision
. And he was the one left behind.

Chapter 9

Arden stared at the ceiling and watched the sunlight paint the rich red and brown grains of the polished wood. Kell snored lightly beside her, his arm wrapped possessively around her waist like heavy iron chain. The heat of his skin, which she’d once craved, now covered her body with a layer of sweat. Instead of feeling cherished, she felt trapped.

“
Is something wrong, my little Soulbearer?
”

She paused from twirling her hair around her finger. Although Loku had been present in her mind since she nearly drowned two weeks ago, this was the first time he’d spoken to her when she’d been in bed with Kell. Which was probably a blessing. The last thing she needed in the heat of lovemaking was hearing the perverted commentary of the chaos god. “
I’m not quite sure,
” she admitted at last.

“
I’m always willing to listen.
”

She wanted to laugh, but caught herself. What would Kell think if he learned she was laughing at the voice inside her head? It was one of the many things that still troubled her about her relationship with him. He said he loved her, but she hadn’t shared her darkest secrets with him yet.

The idea of having a confidante intrigued her. At least she knew Loku wouldn’t share anything she told him, even though she also knew she’d be opening herself up to ridicule. “
I don’t know what to do next.”

“Are you wanting my advice on new sexual position? If so, I’ll gladly share a few of my personal favorites.”

Arden’s skin grew warm, and she squirmed under the covers. “
I wasn’t talking about that.
”

“
Then be more specific.
”

She held her breath. Could she trust Loku with the issue weighing her heart? “
I don’t know what to do with Kell.”

“Go on.
”

The two words lacked any mocking undertones, encouraging her to continue. “
He keeps telling me he loves me, and I never know how to respond.
”

It was more than her lack of words that bothered her. It was his expectation that she would say it back. And when she didn’t echo his sentiment, the pain in his eyes tore away at her defenses until she found some way to appease him, usually by leading him back to bed.

“Why don’t you just tell him you love him?”

“Because I refuse to say those words unless I’m absolutely certain they’re true.”

“Ah, so you’re having doubts about your relationship with Kell? And I assume they have nothing to do with a certain cynical knight.”

Damn it! She hated that Loku sometimes knew her better than she knew herself. But she had to admit he was right, to a certain extent. She’d put her heart on the line before and been rejected. Now she feared doing it again.

“Fine. Let’s forget Dev for a moment. What are your feelings for Kell?”

She paused to sort out everything in both her mind and heart, but was still left with a confusing jumble of emotions. “I’m not sure.”

“Then keep fucking him senseless until you figure it out. At least you’re having some fun from it.”

Her whole body flushed, and she pulled the covers up to her chin. “There’s more to our relationship than just that.”

“Liar! You know you love it when he—”

“Shut up!
” She jumped out of bed, the sheet still in her hand and reached for her dress. Loku’s laughter reverberated through her whole being. “
I should’ve known you would take this conversation there.
”

Kell, however, continued to sleep like a dead man, his well-muscled limbs mildly askew from her hastened departure from the bed. As she watched him, she could see why so many women fell for him. He was handsome. And charming. And an excellent lover.

But more importantly, he was a good friend, someone she could count on to comfort her when she needed it. Only now, he was the source of her discomfort, and she didn’t know where to turn.

“
If you want me to be serious, then I’ll say just one thing—don’t go back to that scared little prude you were before. If you discover you love the prince, then you have many wicked nights ahead of you.
”

Which he will enjoy observing, no doubt.
Arden pulled her dress over her head faster than normal, not caring if her laces were crooked when she pulled them tight. This whole conversation reminded her that she was never alone, that she would never have the privacy most people enjoyed. Everything she did fell under Loku’s scrutiny.

“
And if you decide you don’t reciprocate the prince’s feelings… Well, then, my little Soulbearer, our fun is just beginning.”

“Meaning?
”

More laughter answered her, fading into silence as she crossed the cabin. Outside, the sky was clear and the sea was calm. She strolled out onto the deck, breathing in the salty air to clear her mind.

“Finally emerged from the bedroom, eh?”

She turned to where Dev stood a few feet away with Cinder. “Yes. Do you have a problem with that?”

He rubbed his hand through the wolf’s thick fur, refusing to look at her. She didn’t need to see his face to know what he was feeling. She heard it in the sarcastic tone of his voice. “It’s my job to know where you are at all times.”

“Then you should be thankful I’ve made it so easy for you.” She whirled around and went to the railing, hoping that would be the end of the longest conversation they’d had since the day he rescued her.

Slow, steady footsteps crept up behind her. She kept her back straight, pretending to ignore him, praying he wouldn’t touch her. The sting of his words was beginning to fade, and the last thing she wanted was a gentle hand to rub salt in the raw wounds.

But it was a wet nose she felt first. Cinder whimpered until she finally relented and scratched him behind the ears.

“He’s missed you, you know,” Dev said quietly, all the sarcasm gone. “He even decided I was better company than being alone.”

She lifted her gaze and saw Cinder wasn’t the only one who seemed to miss her. Her chest tightened, reviving the old feelings she could never forget when she was around him. “I never thanked you for saving my life.”

The cynical mask fell back into place, and his green eyes flashed. “It seems you were too busy with other matters to do that.”

And just like that, anger replaced any warm feelings she might have had for Dev. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were jealous.”

His one-note laugh answered her as he moved beside her and leaned against the railing, staring out to see. “You’re a grown woman, and you’re entitled to make your own decisions.”

“Then stop talking to me like I’m some willful child who’s making a mistake with my life.”

His eyes flickered over her body from head to toe and back again, making her aware of the haphazard way her dress was laced and the fact she hadn’t bothered to comb her hair this morning. Then his expression hardened. “You’re the one who said it, not me.”

For the first time since she’d given herself to Kell, she knew shame. Her loose, tangled hair whipped her face as though it was berating her actions. A lump formed in her throat. She faced the sea, refusing to let Dev see the tears forming in the corners of her eyes.
Have I made a mistake?

A pair of arms felt like it was wrapping around her in a hug, but when she looking down, she saw nothing. “
Never let a man make you feel like you are less than you are
,” Loku said.

“
And what am I?
” A list of the unsavory names she’d been called before filled her mind.

The invisible arms squeezed around her once more. “
Just short of a goddess. You’ll see. I’ll teach you how to become invincible to his insults. No man can ever make you feel bad about yourself unless you first let him.
”

The god’s decree steeled her confidence. She held her head up higher and tucked her wayward hair behind her ears. She wouldn’t let Dev make her feel bad about being a woman and enjoying the pleasure she experienced in Kell’s arms.

“
That’s the idea, my little Soulbearer. Don’t let Dev make you feel ashamed for coming again and again—
”

A blush flooded her cheeks. “
I get the idea, Loku. But I don’t need to rub it into his face, either.
”

“
But wouldn’t it be fun?
”

Before she could contemplate it, Dev said, “Do you see those gulls ahead?”

She followed his finger toward a flock of birds circling in the breeze. “Yes.”