A Short History of a Small Place (3 page)

The Epperson sisters had lived across the street from us in a huge clapboard house that went entirely uncared for from the moment their father died to the day the roof collapsed and the fire department decided to burn what was left for practice. Daddy told me Mr. Epperson had been in commodities but had done so poorly at it that he had to take a job at the FCX on the side where he was given a pick-up truck and was employed delivering salt licks to the surrounding farms. He died three years before I was born. Daddy said he was nailing a shutter tight against the siding when he was taken by a stroke.

I don’t ever remember seeing Mrs. Epperson except when they carried her out of the parlor all bedecked with flowers and greenery and loaded her into the back of the hearse, and I couldn’t see her then. Momma said she was a mousy woman. Daddy said he’d always suspected she was mute, but Momma told me that wasn’t so. Momma and Daddy both agreed that she was nobody’s pretty child, and I didn’t need anybody to tell me that her daughters were three of the homeliest women I’d ever laid eyes on. They looked like old photographs of sodbusters’ wives—shapeless figures, plain, manly faces, and heads full of thin brown hair drawn back tight into buns.

When their mother died, they were all three still fairly young women. Eustace was near forty, which was a good seven or eight years older than Cora and Annie whose ages were indistinguishable from each other since sometimes Cora looked older than Annie and sometimes Annie looked older than Cora depending on the light. I’d usually see one or the other of them a couple of times a week pulling a metal shopping cart off to the Big Apple, and whichever one of them it was would always say, “Hello little Louis Benfield.”

And I’d say, “Hello Miss Epperson.”

And she’d come back with, “It’s wonderful to be out of doors, isn’t it?” which Mrs. Epperson must have taught all three of them to say since they all three said it and which they probably would have still insisted on saying even if it were raining hot lead.

And I’d always answer, “Yes ma’m, it is nice to be outside.”

And whichever Epperson it was would unfailingly leave her regards to my Momma and Daddy which I would usually deliver at the supper table. “An Epperson said hello,” I would say.

We never suspected that the Eppcrsons would ever be anything but kindly spinster women, so all of us were a little shocked when Annie got married, or anyway when she ran off with a man. He wasn’t from Neely but somewhere else, had to be from somewhere else since there wasn’t a man in Neely desperate enough to take up with an Epperson. He’d been in the area three or four days before he got down to our end of town. He was selling rhyming dictionaries, which came in a handsome two-volume set and for a very slight charge the owner could have his name tooled in gold across the front of each volume. When he arrived at our house, Momma had to field him since Daddy always refused to do that sort of thing, and she said he was a handsome enough gentleman and that he had entertained her by talking in couplets. She said he promised to make us all more poetical than we ever dreamed we could be, but Momma said she told him Daddy was an actuary and had no desire to be poetical, and as for herself she was too busy a homemaker to engage in such frivolity, and her son, God bless him, suffered from a brain deficiency which left him with no hopes of ever being an accomplished rhymer. Momma said he told her he was extremely sorry about my condition, and Momma told Daddy that made her feel mean and low. Daddy said better mean and low than poetical.

The Epperson sisters bought three sets of dictionaries. For almost a week solid we saw the salesman come and go from their house, and we assumed that he was merely working out the details and delivering the merchandise. But on a Friday evening when he left for the last time, he took Annie with him. Eustace and Cora acted like there’d never been anything but the two of them, and Annie was gone for the better part of a month before she came back to town one afternoon on a bus from Martinsville, Virginia. She walked all the way home from the bus station carrying her suitcase and a paper sack, and I stood on the end of the sidewalk and watched her come from way off down the opposite side of the street.

When she got abreast of me she said, “Hello little Louis Benfield.”

And I said, “Hello Miss Epperson.”

And she said, “It’s wonderful to be out of doors, isn’t it?”

And I said, “Yes ma’m, it is nice to be outside.”

Daddy imagined that salesman thought Miss Annie rich, resourceful, or potentially beautiful and then discovered she was just an Epperson.

That summer the Epperson sisters would sit out on their porch in the evenings and one of them would read interesting bits out of the Neely
Chronicle
to the other two. Then autumn set in, and winter, and they shut themselves up in the house until spring. Something happened to the Epperson sisters that winter, and Daddy said it was probably Eustace’s idea and that it must have just stewed there with the three of them all closed up together. He called it a certifiable case of simultaneous insanity, which he said was certainly rare and probably unheard of.

They had decided they were triplets.

One morning in early April when it was still a little cool and breezy, a hired car pulled up in front of the Epperson house and Eustace and Cora and Annie came parading out the door and down the sidewalk, each one of them dressed in the same identical sky-blue frock, and the same black heels, and the same elbow-length gloves, and the same little white hats the shape of an aspirin tablet, and each one of them carrying the same black patent clutch purse. They were gone for most of the afternoon and the news of where they’d gone to and what they’d gone to do got back almost before they did. They had traveled to the county seat of Eden, which was just a few miles down the road, and had paid a visit to the county clerk there, a Mr. Woodley. Carl Browner was sheriff of Neely then and he said Mr. Woodley called him along about mid-afternoon sounding decidedly agitated and distraught. He said there were three Neely Eppersons in his office who had come to declare themselves triplets. Sheriff Browner told him he was surprised to learn the Epperson sisters were triplets, and Mr. Woodley replied that they didn’t appear to be triplets as far as he could tell, that they didn’t even appear to be the same age. Sheriff Browner said no, he didn’t believe they were, and Mr. Woodley said that Eustace—he called her the mature one—wanted him to search the records and draw up a document certifying their triplethood, and he wanted to know from Sheriff Browner just what he was to do about that.

“Search the records, I guess,” Sheriff Browner told him.

The sheriff dismissed the hired car when he got to Eden and he said he found Mr. Woodley at his desk neck-deep in official papers with Eustace and Annie and Cora Epperson hovering over him from behind. Mr. Woodley was tracing the Epperson migration from the banks of the French Broad River to the east and then to the north towards Neely. He was still a hundred years and over two hundred and fifty miles out of the county when the sheriff arrived, so Sheriff Browner suggested the Epperson sisters give Mr. Woodley a little time to do his work on the matter, which the three of them thought altogether reasonable, and they made an appointment for the following week. The sheriff said he feared Mr. Woodley might leap up from his desk and kiss him.

Once he got them in the car, Sheriff Browner turned to Eustace who had taken the front seat and told her he had no idea the three of them were triplets.

He said she bristled a little and drew her purse up tight against her chest. “We have discovered that we are,” she said.

When Mr. and Mrs. Epperson moved to Neely they came complete with three more or less full-blown daughters, so we only had our suspicions about the attachments from Epperson to Epperson and were probably more surprised at what Mr. Woodley dug up than Eustace, Annie, and Cora were. The Epperson sisters weren’t triplets; one of them wasn’t even an Epperson. That was Cora and she was her Momma’s brother’s child, which made her a Greene. Mr. Epperson had taken her in after Mrs. Epperson’s sister-in-law had died and Mrs. Epperson’s brother had turned out to be no count. Cora must have known all this at one time, since she was five when it happened, and Eustace certainly knew it, but Cora told Mr. Woodley it was a baldfaced lie and Eustace said yes indeed it was a baldfaced lie and Annie said it absolutely had to be a baldfaced lie. Sheriff Browner, who had driven the three of them to Eden, said it was a sad sight to see those women, all of them in identical scarlet dresses, wailing and moaning at poor Mr. Woodley who the sheriff said looked as if he might be willing to strike up a compromise and recognize Annie and Cora as twins in exchange for some peace and quiet. He said the news had put all three Eppersons in a kind of indignant but still moderately polite rage, since they were respectable ladies after all, and the sheriff said he was so pained by their predicament that he suddenly suffered a massive lapse in good judgement. In an effort to offer some sort of comfort the sheriff told them he would consider recognizing them as triplets if they were able to get fifty adults in Neely to sign a petition verifying their claim. It was a tremendous mistake. The sheriff said he had temporarily forgotten what people were like.

They collected the names on an ordinary sheet of lined white paper, and for three mornings only at nine o’clock they came out of their house and set out towards town. On the first and the third day they wore their blue frocks and on the middle day they wore their scarlet outfits which were quite a hit with the ladies of Neely and got them no end of comment. Eustace always carried the paper in her purse and when they visited homes and shops and stopped folks on the street, the three of them would take turns explaining their situation. People said they were gracious and altogether levelheaded, and I suppose with nothing more than their manners and show of good sense they managed to inspire among the citizenry of Neely the general impression that they had been victimized by some sort of terrible prenatal injustice. Nobody who was asked didn’t sign. The three church deacons signed. The ladies of the garden club signed. All of the icehouse employees signed. Every shop-keeper on the boulevard signed. The mayor signed and the mayor’s wife signed and the mayor’s ninety-three-year-old blind and bedridden aunt signed. Miss Pettigrew signed and Miss Willa Bristow made her mark. And Mr. and Mrs. Pendzinski, who were passing through on their vacation from Ohio with a carful of little Pendzinskies and who qualified by virtue of being adults in Neely, signed and then took turns having their pictures made with the Epperson sisters.

Cora carried a dainty gold pen that she produced from her purse as Eustace drew the petition out of hers. Annie made her back available for a writing table if one wasn’t handy. Always before she handed over the paper, Eustace would clear her throat and read the terms of the proposal which the three of them had devised and one of them had scrawled across the top of the page:

Then Eustace would determine whether or not the prospective signee understood the terms of the document and Cora would offer the pen to whoever it might be signing, and whoever it was surely must have looked up to take the pen and seen Cora and Annie side by side before him, the two of them related more by pure homeliness than anything else, and then Eustace, off a little to herself, and a half dozen years older than the both of them and already beset with long iron-colored strands of hair laying in with the brown, and whoever it might be would take hold of the gold pen, which was so slight and delicate as to be almost impossible to get a grip on, and he would sign anyway, probably not because he saw any advantage in being triplets over being just sisters or over being just two sisters and one cousin, but because he couldn’t see any harm in it either.

By the afternoon of the third day the Epperson sisters had filled the fifty slots and we all thought they’d bolt directly for the courthouse while the ink was still clammy on that last name. But Eustace put the paper away in her purse and Cora put the pen away in hers and the three of them strolled home very leisurely and shut themselves up in the house for the better part of two hours. It seems they had gone to change and freshen up. Me and Momma stood at the front window and watched them when they finally did come out away from the porch and into the late afternoon sunlight. Momma said they were dazzling, just dazzling. It wasn’t blue frocks this time or scarlet ones but three awesomely elaborate ivory white dresses, and three pairs of long ivory gloves, and three lacy ivory hats garnished on the backside with peacock feathers. We thought a car might call for them, but they walked all the way to the courthouse and all gages of people fell in behind them as they went so that the crowd of us spilled out of Sheriff Browner’s office into the corridor and partway down the marble courthouse steps.

Somehow Sheriff Browner didn’t seem at all surprised to find himself host to half of Neely. He just sat a little uneasily at his desk not quite looking at anybody, which was his way, while Eustace removed the petition from a pearl-laden purse dangling from her forearm and flattened it out on the desktop in front of him. He picked up a pencil from the blotter and began to check off the names, which resulted in the document being momentarily voided when it was discovered that Daddy had signed it twice. But the sheriff, a sensible man, just scratched out one of Daddy’s signatures and put his own in place of it. The jubilation was general and immediate. Eustace, Cora, and Annie accepted our congratulations with extreme modesty and thankfulness, and a courthouse clerk along with Mr. Singletary from the five and dime helped Eustace up onto a chair from which she delivered a brief speech directed mostly towards Sheriff Browner without whose assistance, she said, none of this would have been possible. That unleashed a fearsome ovation in the sheriff’s honor and he moved away from his desk, still refusing to look entirely at anybody, and made his way out of the room without ever offering to say a word.