A Secret to Die For (Secret McQueen) (11 page)

Chapter Fifteen

When night fell, the city was still burning.

I stood in Lucas’s huge living room, its floor-to-ceiling windows giving me an epic panorama of the devastation. In the past I’d seen clips on CNN on location in distant countries that showed the kind of damage I was seeing. It was as though the streets of New York were now a war zone. But no one here was fighting for human rights or struggling against oppression.

This was the living fighting the dead, and what for?

What did the Hands of Death want so badly they’d be willing to level an entire city to get it?

The one person I’d known who might have an idea was now dead, and thinking about Keaty made everything below seem all the more impossible. How could a great man have been brought down by
this
? It still didn’t make sense. Part of me thought I would go to the kitchen and find him sitting with O’Brian and Cedes, swapping stories and advice.

“Are you hiding?” Lucas stood next to me, surveying the mess.

“From up here it’s so much worse. I thought distance was supposed to make things look better.”

“I’m not sure if that works in the case of a burning landscape.” He sighed and turned his back to the window, unable to continue staring at the destruction. “You honestly think you can fix this? I think it might be beyond even your capable hands.”

I kept my focus on the window, not wanting to see his doubt. The uncertainty of others was a powerful thing when it came to crushing your own belief.

“If I don’t try, who else will?”

“Maybe we should leave. We can still get everyone here to safety before the military decides to move in.”

“And what about the millions of people trapped in their homes? Or in the subways? People who are waiting to be rescued? If I don’t try to stop this, they’re going to become casualties.”

“You don’t owe them anything, Secret. You have people here, people you love. Shouldn’t they be your priority?”

I shook my head and watched as a plume of smoke belched up into the sky and a building collapsed beneath it. A pockmark on the skyline. How many more would fall tonight?

“I’m not stopping anyone from leaving. But I’m not going to let millions of people die because I’m too scared to fight.” My fists were clenched at my sides, and I fought back the tears threatening to consume me. “I’ve lost people I love. But are my loved ones more important than anyone else’s?” I turned to face him and finally met his gaze. “You put the pack above everything. Your responsibility is to protect them at all costs. Right?”

“Of course.”

“New York is my pack.”

“Secret…”

“No. Don’t try to tell me I’m being irrational. I know what that tone of yours means. I also know these pricks are mortal, and they bleed. And since they seem determined to stand their ground, it’s my job to show them they picked the wrong goddamn city to mess with. Okay?”

He stared at me like I was a stranger to him, then he touched my cheek, cupping my face in his hand. “I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why you were the one. Why you were destined to be queen. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me, but now… Now I get it.”

“I’m not…”

“I know you don’t want to be queen. Not
my
queen. But you are one. You are a born leader. You need to stop pretending you’re a lone wolf stuck with the role. Whether it’s the wolves or the vampires, you are meant to rule. And I never should have underestimated you.”

Damn.

“Stop saying nice things to me. It makes it hard to remember why I hate you so much.”

“You don’t hate me.” He smiled, and though it was tight, it warmed his blue eyes and made him look younger and less afraid.

No, I didn’t hate him. Not the way I once had. For a time I’d hated Lucas so profoundly I thought I might rip him apart with my bare hands. I thought I could never forgive what he’d done to me and that I would go to my grave with my loathing for him still burning inside me.

But I knew real hatred now. I’d felt it for others, and it fully eclipsed what I once attached to him.

Now, over a year since our failed marriage ceremony, the pain I’d experienced that day was a mere shadow. A fragment from my past I had to struggle to feel strongly about now. So much had happened to me since then, it hardly seemed worth holding on to the bitterness.

“Maybe not. Not anymore.”

“That’s a start.”

I glanced down, unable to decide which way to look. Outside the window was the ruin of my city, but in here was a man I’d once loved. What Lucas and I had shared was complicated. More so than I could understand some days. Though I’d agreed to marry him because it seemed like the right thing to do, I
had
loved him. My wolf still did, in her own twisted way. But too much had happened between us.

Much like with Holden, things with Lucas and me would never be the same. We couldn’t heal our wounds, and that was as much my fault as it was his.

“Desmond asked me to marry him,” I said, still staring at the carpet. When I lifted my gaze again I found his attention fixed on me.

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.” When our glances held too long and became uncomfortable, we both looked back out the window. The fire had turned the night sky orange, and it was difficult to tell if the gloom hanging over the city was from clouds or if it was all smoke.

“Callum has given his blessing, but I need you to…” The words stuck in my throat. I’d thought it would be easy to ask him. Hell, I thought I would waltz up to him and demand he grant me my freedom. But now that I was here with him and I had the chance, I found cutting ties was more difficult than I’d expected it to be. “I need you to declare our marriage nullified.”

It was a bit fancier than asking for a divorce. In a way, he’d done me a favor by not showing up on our wedding day, because it was one less hurdle I had to clear to marry Desmond.

“Is that what you want?” The pain in his voice made my belly ache.

“You know you and I were never going to make it work. I thought it was because we were too different, but the truth is, we’re too alike. Neither of us is willing to budge an inch on anything, and that’s no way to live. Do you honestly think we could have been happy together?”

“We were happy together once.”

I shook my head, not sure if he saw. “No. We were in love once, but love and happiness aren’t the same thing.”

We both fell silent, watching the fires rage on below.

Lucas continued, “I wanted so badly to be what you needed. I thought…oh, hell, I don’t know. I thought if I could make you see you belonged in the pack, maybe you would be able to forgive me. That maybe you’d come back.”

“It doesn’t work that way and you know it. What if I did forgive you? I still wouldn’t trust you. I’m still part of the pack this way. Pack protector, Desmond’s partner. And you can find a new queen. One who can give you children and be what you want.”

“You’re what I want.”

I faced him and took his hand between both of mine. Squeezing gently, I held it against my heart and marveled I was able to do so without flinching. “I’m what you thought you wanted. What the bond
told
you you wanted. But I’m not what you need.”

Lucas glanced at his hand and touched his fingers to my skin before pulling away and letting it drop down to his side. “I couldn’t agree for anyone less worthy, you know. If it was anyone but him, I’d say no.”

“But it’s not.”

“You’ve always loved him more than me, haven’t you?”

I thought about not answering, but that would be enough of an answer on its own, and he deserved better. “I loved you both differently.” That might not be much of an improvement, but I was glad I’d said something.

“If we get through tonight, you have my word. I’ll give my blessing publicly.”

I gawked at him, not sure I’d heard him correctly. I’d gone in expecting a fight, or at least assuming he wouldn’t make it easy on me. Instead he was granting me my freedom, and I hadn’t had to yell for it. He looked tired, damn near defeated. I guess this was one struggle he didn’t have it in him to hold on to anymore.

“Thank you.”

“I’m not quite done, you know.” He glanced at me again and smiled.

“Done with what?”

“Loving you.”

I dropped my chin to hide my blush and hoped he’d missed the sheen of tears that suddenly sprang up in my eyes. This Lucas was the man I’d loved, the man I thought of as great. For now it was enough to know he was still in there and from time to time was capable of surprising me with his capacity for kindness.

“Are you going to invite me to the wedding?” he asked.

“I don’t know. If I do, are you going to show up?”

Chapter Sixteen

The rest of our group was waiting for us when we joined them in the dining room. In addition to my ten companions, a dozen members of Lucas’s pack were seated around the huge table. I took a seat between Desmond and Sutherland, and Lucas sat across from me, next to Dominick.

Everyone looked better for the sleep, and I was grateful I’d been able to bring them somewhere they felt safe enough to rest. The night ahead would be hard, and we were going to need our wits about us. While the humans and werewolves were finishing off the remains of a hearty chili, I noted the vampires were as pale as ever.

Of course Lucas wouldn’t have any blood on hand to feed them. This might prove problematic, since Holden and I hadn’t eaten since leaving Louisiana. I could last several days without fresh blood if it was absolutely essential and if I didn’t lose any of my own. But if I wanted everyone at their best, I was going to need to come up with a way to feed the vamps and myself as soon as possible.

Holden seemed to understand my concern. “You know, we
could
go to the council.”

I watched Clementine, who was sitting between Holden and Bradley the werewolf. She was staring at Bradley’s neck while he swallowed, and the rapturous gleam in her eyes wasn’t likely to have anything to do with sexual desire. Under different circumstances I might have asked for volunteers to feed the vampires. I knew Desmond or even Lucas would donate to me if I asked. But vampires loathed feeding from werewolves—considering them dirty and subhuman—and the weres had similar misgivings. Not to mention everyone needed to keep their blood if they wanted to be strong.

We could have gone back to Calliope’s, but it was risky. The council headquarters was only a couple blocks away, and we put ourselves in less danger there then by seeking out access to the fae realm. Part of me had to admit, too, that I was avoiding Cal because I didn’t want to know what she had to say about our current situation.

As an oracle, she would be able to see how things would end. And if more of my friends were going to die, I couldn’t handle knowing about it in advance. If I asked, she’d tell me, in her own vague way. I imagined her saying,
The deaths of loved ones are like dominos. When one falls, others are sure to follow. Death, like gravity, is inevitable.

Yes, everyone I knew would one day die, myself included. I just didn’t need to know if any of them would be leaving me in the near future.

Though most vampires in the city used the thrall to feed from willing victims, there was always a steady supply of bagged blood kept at the council for new vamps who had less control over their hunger. And lately they’d kept more on hand at my request. I knew a lot of the full-blooded council members thought I was mad for not drinking direct from the source, but I’d spent my whole life without using humans as fast food. I wouldn’t start now.

I’d fed from the neck before. I knew blood tasted better right out of the artery. But for me, there was a fine line between being human and being a monster. Though I was not human, I struggled to maintain my humanity at all costs. If I gave in to the desires of the creatures inside me, I would become something else, and I wasn’t quite ready to embrace that side of myself. Though in recent years I’d started letting my humanity slip more and more often.

“Here’s what I propose,” I announced, bringing the room around me to silence. “The vampires need to be fed. I’m going to take Holden, Reggie, Clementine and Sutherland to the council headquarters on Grand Street.”

“What council headquarters?” a wolf named Keith asked. “There’s nothing down there but coffee shops and GAP stores.”

Like many buildings housing places of supernatural importance, the vampire council had cloaked their building from the prying eyes of the outside world. One had to be a vampire to see it, or to otherwise be associated with the vampires. Shane Hewitt, my successor to the job of hunting rogues, was human but able to enter the building at will. Any other human—or were—would simply pass by it as if it weren’t there.

“It’s like the Chameleon Lounge.” I used an example they’d all know, bringing up the name of a popular supernatural nightclub and restaurant, owned by the were-ocelot queen, Genevieve Renard. “You only see it if you’re meant to see it, but trust me, it’s there.”

“So why can
you
see it?” Keith asked.

“She was the council’s assassin for years,” Jackson answered for me. “And how dare you question your queen with such disregard for her authority? She doesn’t need to explain herself to you.” I had never explicitly told Jackson what I was, but he’d been around for my fight with Marcus Sullivan, would-be usurper to Lucas’s throne. Marcus’s mate had been none other than my mother, and Mercy McQueen had let her mouth run about me to Marcus’s vampire partner Alexandre Peyton. It wasn’t beyond reason that Jackson might have figured me out years ago.

He’d certainly been around for plenty of weird stuff since.

If he was still going to defend me no questions asked, I wasn’t going to question it. He was a good kid, and not for the first time I was glad I’d spared him when I had the chance to kill him. Lucas, too, offered Jackson a smile and a nod.

“My apologies, Your Majesty,” Keith said, and he sounded genuinely sorry for offending me.

I really didn’t care.

If the truth was going to come out sooner or later—and the vampires were already circulating rumors—the time had come to be honest with the members of my pack. Lucas was going to nullify our marriage anyway, so if they didn’t like it, they wouldn’t need to respect me as queen for much longer.

I got to my feet and sucked in a deep breath, steadying myself for what I was about to say. “There’s something you all deserve to know, and I’m sorry I’ve hidden it from you for this long.”

Dominick’s eyes went wide, and he pivoted his head to Lucas, openly wondering whether the king would stop me. Lucas didn’t move.

“Secret…” This warning came from Holden, but he stopped at the one word.

“They’re going to find out eventually anyway. Everyone will.”

“This might not be the best time,” Tyler said.

“Oh, let her speak,” Cedes interrupted. “If
we
could handle the truth, a table of big bad wolves certainly can. No offense intended.”

None of them seemed to notice. All the wolves were too busy waiting for me to continue. Clementine and Reggie appeared equally interested. My father, for his part, was busy emptying a saltshaker onto the tablecloth.

“You’ve all known for quite some time I’m not what I seem to be. I think that much is obvious.”

A few of them nodded, but no one interrupted.

“The fact of the matter is there’s a good reason you smell death on me, and it’s not because I work for the vampires.” I looked at the vampires seated near me. “And I don’t smell like wolf because I sleep with one.”

“Or two,” Clementine offered helpfully.

There really weren’t a lot of secrets about my personal life I’d managed to keep, were there? Only the big one.

“I am a vampire. And a werewolf.” Since both groups were represented at the table, a collective gasp shot through the room. A few people started to mumble amongst themselves, but no one got up to grab a pitchfork.

“That makes an awful lot of sense,” said one of the few female wolves at the table, a thirty-something named Elsie. “I mean, when you stop and think about it.”

The wolves around her nodded collectively.

“But you
shifted
,” said another. “After your bonding ceremony with Lucas in Louisiana, you shifted, didn’t you?”

“I did.”

“But she never ran with us,” said Keith, reminding them I hadn’t been present for any of the big pack shifts out at Lucas’s country estate.

More murmurs spread through the group. The vampires remained silent, Clementine and Reggie watching me with new interest. “Does the council know?” Clementine asked.

“Sig knows. And Monica.” Monica was a vampire who held a legendary and deeply feared status among the vampires. She was old and was able to see the entire truth of a vampire’s past from only one drop of their blood. When Juan Carlos, the third member of the Tribunal, believed I was betraying vampire secrets to the werewolves, he’d forced me to see Monica to reveal if I could be trusted.

She knew what I was, but still told Juan Carlos I was true to the council. Because I was.

“If Monica and Sig vet her, it’s good enough for me,” Clementine said with a shrug.

Reggie didn’t appear convinced. He was looking at me like I was a complete stranger to him, which to be fair was sort of true. He’d only known me in the context of being his superior within the council, and now I’d dropped a bomb on him that upset the balance of everything he knew.

To a vampire, there were few things in the world lower than a werewolf. And I’d just told him that I—one of his Tribunal leaders—was half werewolf.

Several of the wolves were giving me similar looks, and for the exact same reason, only reversed.

I was surprised there wasn’t more of an outcry. For the most part everyone nodded or whispered amongst themselves, but nobody was suggesting they needed to band together and build a bonfire to throw me on top of.

Maybe, by already being accepted in a position of power on both sides, they were less inclined to question me. Perhaps I’d managed to do what I thought impossible, and I’d put myself in a place where my authority actually made people respect me enough not to care what I was. I’d long believed I needed to fly below the radar to avoid my secret getting out. Then I was thrust into unwelcomed leadership roles in both the vampire and werewolf communities. But maybe those roles were what kept the others from caring about my mixed blood.

Or maybe it didn’t matter to them, considering the situation we found ourselves in.

At any other time this would have been big news. But the state of the world beyond the hotel was one of such turmoil that my hybrid gossip didn’t have the punch it might have otherwise.

I, for one, was grateful. Now, when the news broke wide, several people would already know. I was hoping this would bode well for my appeal to the council, if we ever got that far.

“Did you know?” Bradley asked Lucas. This was a bold move, considering Lucas was the king, and asking him anything was bordering on questioning his authority. Werewolf alphas weren’t big on being questioned.

“Not when we first met, no.” He was staring right at me, even though he was addressing Bradley. “But I found out not long after.”

I sat down again, and Desmond took my hand under the table, offering a gentle squeeze of comfort and encouragement. It was nice to be able to touch him without wanting to pull away. I squeezed back.

“And it doesn’t bother you?” Bradley asked. All the wolves were focused on Lucas. If he’d ever wanted to be rid of me, to cast me out of the pack and wipe his hands clean, now was his chance. It would only take one word and they’d view me as an outsider forevermore. I could live with that. I’d started as an outsider, I could deal with being cut off again.

“
What
Secret is has very little to do with
who
she is,” he announced, his gaze still locked on me. “And if I were to let what she is bother me, it would be no different from someone casting judgment on me for being a werewolf. She is still werewolf royalty. And she was still
born
a wolf. I don’t care if her other half is a vampire or not, to me the other things outweigh that. I’ve never been bothered by her vampire blood, and any one of you who treats her differently because of it will fear my wrath, am I understood?”

The wolves all nodded, and though Lucas hadn’t yelled, his voice reverberated through the room.

“Good. Because I want you all to remember she is more than the queen. She is first and foremost the pack protector. She defended us all against our enemies and has always been true to the pack. Does anyone dispute it?”

Silence.

“Then I’d say the time for questions is over. Your queen was presenting her plan, and I think you should give her your attention.”

I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.

Genie hadn’t said anything, but the expression on her face wasn’t one of horror but awe. She, too, understood what it meant to be two things at once. She was both a witch and a werewolf, and the collision of those halves had made her feel like an outsider. Maybe now she could appreciate why I felt such a kinship to her, even beyond our blood.

Reggie was still staring at me when I looked back to the vampires.

“Are we going to have a problem?” I asked him, and he shook off his stupor.

“No, ma’am. I know how the Tribunal works. You aren’t given a seat, you have to earn it. Blood and death. If you’re in a seat, I don’t care what you are. You killed for it, and you kept it. Not many of us could do that.”

God, if only everyone was willing to accept what I was this easily, I would have come out years earlier. But I knew it would get ugly as more people found out the truth. It was going to cause an uproar inside the council. Juan Carlos, specifically, was going to use it to his advantage to have me killed, I
knew
that.

And now I was planning to walk right into the lion’s den and ask for a bite to eat.

I’d always known I was a little crazy.

This proved it.