A Second Chance (33 page)

‘But you didn’t?’
T
he
question hung between them, cold and horribly unavoidable in the cold evening air. ‘
Why
?’

‘
Because
I didn’t know at
th
e
time, that’s all
.
’
H
e
turned to her, his intense gaze burning holes in her face
.
‘I believed that she
had
picked hi
m
,
and
I
was mad at both of them
. I was boiling
,
thinking of
my
friendship with Ryan and the way he
had
betrayed me. And I was mad at Jess, of course. I thought I would leave them alone for a while,
so I could calm
down and
not go
punch him in the face as I was very tempted to do
.
’

‘What happened next?’
He had
stopped talking, his unseeing eyes far away from the
cemetery
.

‘Jess didn’t know all that
,
of course
.
’
His
arm
went
around her shoulders.
‘
Jade, you’re cold
. Here
,
take this
.
’

Before
she could stop him he shrugged
off
his jacket, wrapping it around
her
until she was surrounded by his fragrance and warmth.

‘
She
was getting desperate to talk to me and left me at least ten
messages. Unfortunately
I was away for a few days, a short
-
term gig on the side
.
’
H
e
moved restlessly and got to his feet, hovering over her like one of those old
-
fashioned statues that they had passed on their way to this section of the
cemetery
.
‘S
he thought I was just avoiding her
.
She
wanted to come back to talk to me and tell me the truth about us and the baby
.
S
he
didn’t realize that Ryan
had
overheard her
talking to her sister about it
.

‘H
e
was understandably upset and did something stupid that should have never happened.
He… he had a history of drug abuse when he was young
er
, but
had been
clean for many years
.
He took some crap he had bought from a street dealer
,
and
then he
invited her for a drive
.
I think he wanted to show her that he was more involved than I ever would
be
and
that he
had the best intentions. I know he didn’t mean any harm, Jade. Just, his
judgment
was totally
impaired
,
and he picked the worst possible place to clear the air. They went for a ride in his little
sport
s
car
,
and he crashed
barely
ten minutes into the trip
.
’

H
e
stopped and walked around as she sat there
,
stunned. ‘Jess was killed instantly
,
but he survived for another few days.
I
… I didn’t know about
any of it
until they notified me, since Jess
had
put my name on her donor card. I came right away, but he was already dying
,
and all he told me was what
had happened
. He was sorry for what he
’d done
and
told me to search her purse for
something she’d mentioned
. I found it soon afterwards
.
’

He sat down next to her and reached into his pocket
to fish
out his wallet. Jade
silently
watched as he opened it and pulled the zipper on one of the compartments, the sound of the metal at odds with his silence.

‘
Here
, have a look
.
’
H
e
was holding a piece of paper carefully folded in two, his fingers shaking slightly as he passed it to her.

She knew
what it would be
even before she saw it. The grainy black and white image with a date and a few numbers and letters was familiar after attending baby showers for her friends over the years.
It
showed
a small curled
-
up creature with a large head and a dark spot for a
heart, oddly
vulnerable. She noticed the little hand raised
,
as if in greeting, the perfect outline of tiny fingers making her
eyes sting
with tears.

‘I don’t know if it was a boy or a girl
,
’ he said as she handed him the
ultrasound
picture
to
put back into his wallet
.
‘
And
it doesn’t matter. Judging by the date
,
Jess was three and a half months pregnant when she died, so soon we would
have known
.
O
nly we never will because I pushed her to do what she thought
was
her only option and killed both her and our child
.
Nothing can ever change that
.
’

‘Oh
,
Liam
.
’
S
he
tried to stop her tears, knowing that she had to be strong, more so for
Liam than for
herself.
‘
I am so incredibly sorry
.
’

She kissed his cheek, her lips tasting salt
,
and
she
wondered
if
th
o
se
tears
were
hers
or his.

‘I wanted you to know,’ he
said without
looking at her, his voice trembling
,
‘to make you understand why
it’s so difficult to care
for someone again
.
W
ith you it
’
s even worse, because I think I never really stopped caring in the first place.’

Finally his eyes met hers
,
and she was
appalled
at the bleak darkness
they held
. He had written himself off, she thought as she saw him rise from the grass and pull her up with one move of his
arm
. He had truly come to believe that he had nothing to offer and wasn’t
going to
be
sway
ed
from the path he had chosen. Was there really no way to show him that he was so much more than he
gave
himself credit for? She felt her head empty as they walked back to the gate
.
T
he
thought of them going back to Laura’s apartment and parting as if nothing
had
changed
was
killing her inside
,
a bit more with each step she took.

He opened the door of the car for her and she got in, her eyes
going over
the wall that separated the
cemetery
from the world of the living. And suddenly she knew what she wanted to do
—
w
hat
she needed to do
if she hope
d
to break down
th
e
wall of
self-
blam
e
and guilt that he had built around himself after Jessica’s death. At
th
at
very moment she
really
didn’t want to think about the future, the uncertainty of things to come irrelevant to
then
and
t
here.

‘
Let’s
go to your house, Liam. Just for a moment, please
,
’ she said
quietly
, praying that he wouldn’t notice the quiver in her
voice
.

He was already starting the car when she spoke
,
and
he
look
ed
at her in disbelief, his dark eyes inquiring.
‘
Are
you sure? It
’
s getting late
,
and you must be totally
exhausted
after the day
of renovations
and my whining here
.
’

‘No, there
’
s something I want
you
to see
,
’ she insisted, knowing in her heart of hearts that he
understood
what she meant. Hoped
,
at least
,
that he did, because she was definitely not brave enough to fight for both of them against his wishes.

‘
All
right
,
then
.
’
S
he could have sobbed with relief
when
he took the road up the hill, leaving Laura’s loft behind.

As they drove through darkening streets she
wouldn’t
allow herself to start thinking, afraid that once she opened the door to doubt and
worr
y
,
they would destroy
her bravado born of desperation
; t
hat she would realize what a gamble her harebrained idea really was
,
and she would beg him to turn around and take her to the city.
But
his confession in the cemetery
had started
an avalanche of events that couldn’t be stopped. Rather,
she was trying to stay on top of the moving sheet of ice, aware of the danger of being pulled under and disappear
ing
. It was a wild ride, dangerous and exhilarating at the same time,
and
her body
buzz
ed
with adrenaline.

He
pull
ed
into the driveway and switch
ed
off the engine, the silence between them heavy with
expectation
. For a second they sat there, both of them immobile and silent.

‘
Come
on
,
’ she
finally
managed to say
. The
courage that
had
kept her strong and decisive for the last few minutes
was
slowly dissipating, leaving behind a sea of doubts. What was she thinking? Was it really worth showing him after all? ‘
Come
on
,
’ she repeated as desperation started to take hold
of
her.

They walked into the dark house, her fingers going to the light switch that they had moved just
the
day
before
.
The
warm glow of a lamp
lit
the hallway
,
allowing him a glimpse of the lower level
.
H
is
eyes
widen
ed
as he took in the freshly plastered walls that were ready for the
wallpaper
she had picked from a thousand samples.
Other
walls
had been
removed
,
and the main work on the floors was finished, the warm walnut grain of the wide planks going beautifully with the cabinetry of the kitchen.