A Raging Dawn (30 page)

She jerked, a guilty look crossing her face

“We’d make love—”

“Have sex,” she corrected automatically. He said nothing, simply raised an eyebrow at her. She grimaced, looked away, looked back, then, with a reluctant half smile, said, “We’d make love. You’d fall asleep—”

“But you didn’t.”

“No.” Her eyes went wide. “No, you don’t understand.
I did
. I could. Being with you was the only sleep I’ve had in weeks. I’m not sure why, but somehow, when I’m with you, not only can I sleep—and you have no idea what a precious gift that is—but all my symptoms improve. I don’t stumble and shake. I’ve never had a fugue episode when it’s just me and you. Everything is just…better. Lying there in your arms, able to actually shut my mind off and sleep…” Her smile turned wicked. “It was almost as good as the sex.”

“But you’d leave. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, and you weren’t there. I kept expecting to find a note on your pillow. Something like,
IT’S BEEN FUN, DON’T CALL ME, I’LL CALL YOU
,
type of thing. Kind of hard on a man’s ego.” Except this had nothing to do with his ego—and they both knew it.

“This disease, the only way I can fight it is with endorphins.”

“You mean like a runner’s high? Is that where you went all those nights? Out running, alone in the dark?”

She nodded. He was aghast. The risk. But that was probably part of the high as well. And what did she really have to lose? That thought was more frightening than the idea of her running alone at night. Because if you started thinking like that, you could justify almost anything.

Then she looked away and asked, “Why me?”

The question startled him. “What?”

She met his gaze once more, her expression serious. “The truth. I can’t stand being the damsel in distress to your Prince Charming.”

“The damsel who saved my life last month—and the lives of all those other people.”

“Seriously, Ryder. I’m pretty much the definition of damaged goods. Or is that it? A relationship with me is in a warped way totally risk-free. After all, you know exactly how it will end. And it won’t be your fault.”

“Wow, way to put the sexy into dying.”

“The truth. Why me?”

He considered his words carefully. He could not afford to make a mistake. There was too much on the line. For both of them. “After the war, hell, even during the war, I guess, I lost…something. I cared about my guys, I cared about my job and doing it the best I could, but I just didn’t have enough energy to really give a shit about anything else.”

She nodded her understanding, and he continued. “Women came and went, but it was only sex. They’d all complain I was emotionally numb or kept my feelings walled up or bullshit like that. I’d get into trouble at work because I just didn’t care about the dumbass politics. They made me see a counselor. That didn’t work. It was like there was nothing left inside me to reach. And then I met this ER doctor—” He gave her a wry smile.

She returned it. “Who was just as emotionally numb. Who walls off and compartmentalizes her feelings. So we’re two of a kind?”

“God, no. Excuse me, have you met yourself? Sure, you can compartmentalize when you need to. How else could you do your job or put up with your mother? But, Rossi, you are so passionate, the way you refuse to bow to anything or anyone. Not this damn disease, not a fucking serial killer.”

He cupped her chin in his palm, wanting to make certain she heard every single word. “It’s like you take those emotions and harness them, set them loose in the world. In your music, in the patients you care for, in the way you make love. When you refused to tell me about your illness, sure, I was frustrated, but I realized you chose
me
. Because you knew you could trust me and I will never, ever let you down. You don’t need me because you’re weak or dying. You need me because together we are so much stronger than either of us alone. Together we can get through this. Can’t you see that?”

She squinted at him suspiciously. “I can’t stand being someone’s lost cause. There won’t be any fairytale ending. Not with me.”

Ahhh. Now they were finally at the heart of things. He wrapped his arms around her, drawing her so close her heartbeat resonated through his chest. “Anyone ever tell you you’re a control freak, Rossi?”

She gave a small chuckle. “Only every man I’ve ever dated.”

He sobered. “You brought me back to life, all of me. That’s more than most men get in this world. For however long we have.” God, that sounded like something from a damned soap opera. He fumbled for new words, better words, and found nothing.

Instead, he left her side and turned to his coat hanging on the back of the chair beside her bed. He’d gone home for the gift yesterday when Louise kicked him out while she did one of her tests. He should have used the time to shower, change, eat. Instead, he’d spent it checking in with the detectives handling Littleton’s case. Then he called the ME’s office and stopped home to get his gift for Rossi.

It was a plain cardboard box that fit into the palm of his hand, its edges worn by years and thousands of miles.

He offered it to her, wishing he’d found time to wrap it properly. “I know you have some difficult choices to make. But, whatever you decide, I want you to know I’m with you, you have a piece of me with you…” Oh hell, that sounded like a bad breakup line, which was the opposite of what he’d intended. He wanted to rewind this entire conversation, regroup, but it was too late.

She opened the box and raised the delicate silver chain with its small, circular pendant, holding it so the light shone through the amber, making it glow and bringing the silver filigree tree embedded inside the resin to life. “This didn’t come from the hospital gift shop.”

“It’s an antique,” he answered, much more comfortable with facts than feelings. “Pashtun. They drill hot needles into the amber to form the design, then fill it with silver. A tribal chief gave it to me after we saved him and his family from an ambush. Said it represented eternity. The tree of life. That no matter what a man does in this life, there is always more yet to come in the next.”

He watched as she stroked the polished gold of the amber with one finger. Shifting his weight, he suddenly remembered the first time he’d asked a girl out on a date. How was it that, so many years and women later, this felt much more terrifying?

“I love it,” she finally said, pulling it over her head. “Thank you.”

“Have you decided?” He was pushing it, he knew. But it wasn’t as if they had much time—
she
had much time. “If you’ll be sticking around? Here, I mean?”

“Am I going to go off to some gorgeous tropical island to kill myself?”

The way she said the words, so frank and matter-of-fact, made him cringe. She’d obviously been thinking about doing exactly that. “Yes.”

She stroked the pendant as she pursed her lips. “I was planning to. But now…” She met his gaze. “Now, I’m not so sure.”

“You don’t have to go alone.”

“I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You’re not. I’m volunteering. I don’t need you to protect me.” She buried her head against his shoulder. He drew back, just far enough to cup her chin in his palm and tilt her face up to his. “You don’t need to keep running away.”

“I always came back.” She paused, considering, and her smile became shy, tentative. He had the feeling she and Jacob had never had talks like this. That he was the first to see how vulnerable she really was. “I always will come back.”

Her words were an offering.

He accepted her promise with a kiss.

“ALL OF THEM?”
Devon Price asked Louise Mehta’s assistant, Tommaso. “They all tested positive? Even Esme?”
Especially
Esme.

They were in Louise’s private office, a windowless room on the second floor of the hospital. Her diplomas and honors were framed, covering the walls, but he cared nothing about her pedigree or credentials. All he cared about was how reliable this test was that had just condemned twenty children.

“I’m afraid so, yes,” Tommaso said in a deferential tone.

“The test is wrong. You said yourself it’s experimental.”

“We’ll confirm with the DNA testing, of course, but—”

“Devon,” Louise interrupted, moving from her chair behind the desk to join him where he stood in front of it, “the test is only experimental because there are so few patients alive to try it on. I’m afraid it’s quite accurate.”

“Ninety-seven-point-six percent,” Tommaso put in. “For the presence of prion disease. It’s virtually one hundred percent accurate if it’s absent.”

Louise shushed him with a glance, and he took a step back, waiting in her shadow. “Which means it’s virtually certain that these children, your daughter included, have a form of prion disease. What we need to focus on is treatment and identifying the cause.”

“Angela told me her disease is inherited. That can’t be what Esme has.” He shied away from using the words
fatal insomnia
, some buried superstition that saying it aloud would make it so. If Esme didn’t have what Angela had, then maybe it wasn’t fatal. Maybe there was a cure. Maybe she still had hope.

“Angie’s genetic testing confirmed that her father had fatal insomnia, but her own results were indeterminate. Which may indicate a new variant, or perhaps a hereditary predisposition—”

“Meaning you don’t know what the hell is going on!”

“Meaning we don’t know what kind of prion disease she and the children have. There are different forms, some that cross species. Scrapie in sheep, mad cow disease, chronic wasting disease in deer—they all have occasionally affected humans as well. But it’s certain that, whatever they have, it is caused by prions. Tommaso’s tests prove that.”

“To have an outbreak like this is unheard of,” Tommaso added, sounding eager at the prospect of more lab rats for his research. Devon wheeled on him, fists bunched and ready, but the younger man dipped his head in apology. “I’m sorry. I know how frustrating this must be—”

“Frustrating?” Devon asked, his tone one that would have sent his former associates with the Russian mob running for cover. “Do not talk to me about frustrations, Dr. Lazaretto.” His use of the man’s title and last name were not a sign of respect. Academics. Too caught up in the research possibilities, theories and hypotheses, forgetting real lives were at risk.

Anger pounded through his mind. Damn doctors were brilliant at thinking but had no idea how to get things done. But Devon did. Eight years being a fixer for the Russians had been better training than any business school. “I don’t want to hear anything except answers. How do you plan to locate the source of the infection? What treatment options do we have? How are we going to find other infected children? Who is going to coordinate their care and help their families through this? Money is no object—but we need results, and we need them fast. Is that understood?”

Both Tommaso and Louise seemed taken aback by his demands.

He whirled, heading toward the door. “I expect your proposal by morning.”

“Sir, you don’t—” Tommaso started.

“But, Devon,” Louise said, “tomorrow is Christmas.”

Devon paused at the doorway. “Think of it as a present for nineteen families and their sick children.”

He left, his anger and grief propelling him down the hall with staccato steps. Thank God he’d left Esme back at the brownstone with Flynn and Ozzie. He didn’t want her to see him upset like this. It would frighten her too much.

But he needed answers. Not the kind that Louise and Tommaso were working on. The kind that only one person could get him.

Angela Rossi.

He took the stairs the two flights up to her room. Since her collapse, he’d checked in with her whenever he could. Every time, he’d found Ryder at her bedside and Angela still unresponsive in that eerie sleep that wasn’t sleep. Passing the nurses’ station without stopping, he paused to knock at her door and pushed it open without waiting for an answer.

She and Ryder stood beside the bed, embracing. Pretty clear he’d interrupted something. Too bad. As glad as he was to see her back on her feet, he couldn’t help but feel resentment that she’d escaped the day and a half of worry he’d suffered through.

“Devon,” she said, catching sight of him. She separated from Ryder. Her face clouded. “The children—I’m so sorry. I planned to be there. What happened?”

“Your friend Louise and her assistant used a new test that’s faster than the blood one. Nineteen children from the Tower, all positive. Make that twenty.”

“Twenty?”

“Esme,” he said grimly. “Flynn brought her home because she has symptoms as well.” He glanced at Ryder, uncertain how much he knew about Angela’s illness, decided he didn’t really care. “Hope you’re refreshed and ready to go, doc. Because I need your help.”

First time he could remember saying those words. To anyone.

She nodded, understanding.

Ryder’s phone buzzed. He glanced at the number but didn’t answer.

“Any luck finding Eugene Littleton’s partners?” Devon asked, beating the detective to the punch.