A Place to Rest My Heart (24 page)

We drove down the hill and then onto the freeway. We weren’t heading back into the city but toward Highway 1 and the Pacific. I sat there quietly and waited for him to explode. Fifteen minutes went by. Half an hour went by, nothing except the grinding of his teeth and occasional growl of frustration. Eventually we got to Half Moon Bay and he pulled off to a dark parking lot next to the beach. He parked the truck, turned the engine off, and we sat there.

I could hear the ticking of his engine as it cooled down and the sound of the waves hitting the breakwater. I had no desire to get into an argument with him. My shoulder was sore and I was tired and hungry. We had done something good tonight and I was not going to feel sorry about that or my part in it.

He rubbed his face with his hand. “Tell me what you did.” So I did. I told him all that I knew about New Directions and then about what had happened tonight.

“Do you know you could have been hurt tonight?”

“Mike, I can get hurt any night. I knew what I was about and I knew what he was capable of. We did something good tonight. For the first time in months, what I was doing felt right.”

“Letting some guy deck you was right?”

“Jesus, Mike, he didn’t deck me. I let him get one shot in on me. I took it in the shoulder. I was hoping to time it right so that was what the cops saw as they walked up. I had him, Mike. He may have outweighed me but he was out of shape.”

“They won’t all be out of shape, Laney.”

“No. No, they won’t. They might come over tables with knives and they might not. They might lurk in dark closets and they might not! What is the problem here? Is it because you weren’t asked to help? Is it because we didn’t invite you?”

I knew I was pushing him, but I could not take the double standard. “Christ, Mike, contrary to popular belief you are not Superman. You can get hurt too. Yes, I know you’ve lived harder and faster than I have and yes, you’re far more experienced as well, but I can handle myself. If I can’t, then I will either have the good fortune to figure that out and adapt or I’ll be dead. What do you think I’ve been doing this past year? Was my time at Woo just for looks?”

“I don’t understand why we were kept out of the loop.”

“That is something you are going to have to ask Mason. I don’t know and I wondered that myself.”

“But not enough to say no.”

“No, it wasn’t a concern at the time and it really still isn’t. I think your manly pride is hurt. This is not about that. What it is about is getting help to these women and children in the quickest and safest way. It’s not about you, the man, defending the woman. It’s about the woman taking that step to get free of the pain and suffering. I truly don’t care who steps up to the plate to help and planned on saying so to Mason, when we got back.” I lay my head back against the seat and took a deep breath, slowly letting it out.

“Well I’m sure she and Chase are having a similar discussion right now.” Mike sighed and leaned his head back as well. “I need a vacation.”

“No, you need a break. You need to walk away from this business for awhile and figure out who Mike Taylor is.” I had no idea where this was coming from but I was on a roll and let my thoughts spill forth. “I have never seen anyone nearly salivate to get into a fight. You welcome it. I think you do it just to prove you’re alive because you’re too afraid to feel anything else.”

He sat there and looked at me, his lean face half in shadow. “You know, maybe that shrink has been helping you.”

“Well if he can help me, then I am damn sure he can help you. He cuts his teeth on the whole Superman complex.” I let out a breath. We were back on an even keel. “Since I have already delved into it this far, can I make a suggestion?”

“Oh sure,” he grumbled.

“Take a break. Soon. Not immediately. But talk to Dr. Bob and then take a break.”

“We’ll see.” I started to say something but he held his hand up. “We will see. Okay?”

“Okay.”

He turned the key and started the engine. “You still could have been hurt tonight.”

“Yeah, and you could get over it.”

He laughed and pulled out of the parking lot.

“Hungry?”

My stomach answered before I could. “Do pigs fly?”

“All the time, Laney. All the time.”

Later on that night, as I lay in bed, I thought back to how the evening had transpired. I felt good. I had a message from Mindy that everyone was safe and settled. I know it was just a drop in the bucket but it was something. A handhold, a rung up on the ladder that took me further from the dark hole that I had lived in for far too long.

The world was not perfect and it never would be but it could be good. Parts of it could be good and they could be safe. I had not found my safety net yet, but I now believed it was out there. I had one briefly when I lived with William. But I’d had far more time of unrest and fear than calm and security. I did not want to be sheltered but I did want to have the feeling of shelter and security to back me up.

What was accomplished tonight was a mere ripple in the pond. Now, how to add to it? A gleam of an idea was forming in my mind as I drifted off. For once in my life, I could look forward to something that wasn’t for me, but what I could give to another. I sat up in the bed; all thoughts of sleep dissipating.

I could take the money that I had inherited from William and do something with it to benefit New Directions. I knew I technically didn’t have it yet. But I would. I’d fight them tooth and nail to win what was rightfully mine. Then I could do something with it for other people out there like me, who had nowhere to start. Sometimes, that was all someone needed was — a start, one rung on the ladder. It didn’t all have to be cloak and dagger, hiding in the shadows. I know what New Directions was doing had its benefits but they could do more. I could do more. There was no doubt in my mind as I lay back down, that I would have my day I court and win.

Chapter Sixteen

I awoke the next day with a lightness of being, as it were. To tell the truth, I felt enlightened. I could almost see where people like Chase and Mason were coming from. Now, granted, I was still so far down the road of enlightenment that I needed a flashlight; but I knew now where the path lay. Silly me, it had been there all along.

I mentioned much of this to Dr. Bob at our next session. He applauded my new insight, but cautioned me in the grasping at something to immediately replace a void in my life. I had removed the fear but I did not need to rush right out and jump on the next bandwagon to fill the space. Much like the addict will grasp onto their help meetings as a lifesaver, I should not grasp onto New Directions as the sole focus of my drive. In all things, there is a balance and there was still a balance to be found with Sean.

“Why do you think you have trouble with commitment?” Dr. Bob asked, glasses perched on his nose, notebook in hand.

“I don’t. I just wanted to go slow. Take my time. I was happy with the way things were.” I got up and walked around the room. I wondered how often the Doc replaced his carpets for all the pacing people did. It was a wonder there wasn’t a track worn into his carpet just from me.

“I had a commitment with William.”
So there!

“Did you?”

“Well, yeah. I mean we lived together for two years. That’s something isn’t it?”

“You told me that you started living together after what? Three dates? You said he didn’t go for romance. You never talked about the future. It was safe and easy. Right?”

“Yes. So what’s wrong with that?”

“Was it what you wanted, or was it what you accepted because you were afraid to rock the boat? Relationships like that are safe, in that no one asks anything of each other. No demands. No expectations. Is that truly a relationship?”

“It is, if that was what we wanted.”

Dr. Bob peered at me. “Only you can say if it was what you wanted.”

“It was then. I don’t know what I want now.”

“No?”

“I don’t know. I’m mad, that for all the talking that Sean did about loving me and him not going anywhere, it sure is funny that he isn’t here.”

“Has he said he doesn’t love you anymore?”

“No. But this is sure a funny way to show it.”

“And you not verbally committing to the relationship isn’t the same thing? Laney, I cannot speak for Sean but I would imagine he took this time away to give you the space you kept asking for. Maybe he needed the space as well. But what he needs isn’t the issue right now. The issue is, do you want to take your relationship to the next level with Sean?”

I starred at Dr. Bob for a few minutes. “Yes, I do.”

“Then you need to tell him that. You are going to have to lay it on the line for him.”

“I thought I already did that when I saved him.”

“Did you save him for him, or in some ways to make up for not saving William?”

“What? I had to do it.”

“But you didn’t ask for help to do it.”

“There was no time.” There had been time. I just chose not to see it. I rubbed my hands over my face. “There were several times during that night that I kept thinking about William and getting to him on time. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have gone after Sean anyway.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“I should have asked for help. I didn’t have to do it alone. Maybe I thought I did, but I really didn’t. But what do you mean, I have to lay it on the line for Sean?”

“The old saying ‘actions speak louder than words’ isn’t always true. I think you saving Sean was no different than what you would have done for anyone else who was in need. You are going to have to say how you feel. You have shown it but now you need to say it.”

I mulled this over for several days and had I picked up the phone several times that day to call Sean. But it didn’t feel right to just say it all over the phone. I needed to get him to come home. Home to see his family and me. Work be damned, I needed him like I had never needed anyone in my life.

Laney Murphy needed. It was more than the need of a warm place at night. It was that all-encompassing need to share my day with someone, to experience the day-to-day give-and-take of life. On the night I had seen that stark naked love Chase had for Mason, I knew that I wanted it, and I wanted it with Sean. I went to my computer and sent him an email.

‘Please come home for Christmas. I need you. Laney.’

I prayed it was enough to call him home.

Christmas Eve was approaching and, as usual, Muldoon’s was planning a large family-and-friends Christmas Eve gathering. All of my father’s siblings were coming to meet me. Bless Tommy, he’d been patiently waiting for me to be ready to meet them all. Molly was in her element in the kitchen, and for once the usual arguing with Jacob had been replaced with them singing Christmas Carols. It was enough to make one never listen to Bing Crosby again, but no one had the heart to say anything. By the time Christmas Eve had arrived I was about to jump out of my skin. The day before I had taken the day off and gone to see Madame Elise. I did the whole nine yards from the inside out. I had nearly spent my whole paycheck between Madame Elise and the hair salon.

But on Christmas Eve I looked in the mirror and hoped it had been worth it. I’m not even sure I knew who it was that looked back at me in the mirror. The woman with the thick brown hair now that had subtle red highlights dancing through it. The woman who usually wore jeans now wore a dark green velvet dress that fit every shaped and lifted curve of her body. I hadn’t worn a dress since my mother’s funeral. But, as Madame Elise pointed out, I was a woman. Why not make sure everyone else remembered that too? I wondered how I had missed this woman when I had looked in the mirror before tonight.

When I came into the bar, I had the benefit of seeing several male chins drop to the floor. Okay, maybe I wasn’t the only one who had forgotten I was a woman. Tommy refused to let me tend bar in such finery, so I helped out where I could and watched both the clock and the front door. I tried not to, but every damn time that door opened I hoped it would be Sean.

“You’re standing under mistletoe,” Mike said from behind me.

“So I am.” I turned to face him.

“Then I guess someone should kiss you.”

I grabbed his collar and hauled him forward for a big, smacking kiss. “I guess someone did.” He hugged me. “God, you look gorgeous.”

I shrugged. “Yeah, who knew?”

Mike ran his hands down my arms, “I did. Sean had to take a later flight. He asked me to give you this.” He handed me a white rose with a card attached. “I’ll be home for Christmas, even if I have to beg Santa to give me a lift. I need you too. Sean.”

I sat down and read it again. Mike chuckled and wiped a tear from my face with the tip of his finger. “You are going to ruin all that hard work if you cry.”

I leaned across the table and kissed his cheek and headed up to my room to fix my make-up and take a breath. I stepped into my room and turned on the overhead light but the bulb flashed and burnt out. I had left the curtains open so I had the streetlights to illuminate some of my room. I closed the door and headed over to my bathroom when a cold hand fixed itself around my throat and a strong arm like steel pulled me back against a hard chest.

“Merry Christmas, Helena,” James whispered in my ear. My blood turned to ice as I felt the point of a knife graze my cheek. Its hard edge glittered in the streetlight. “I’ve missed you, darling. Did you miss me, sweetheart? You stopped answering my calls. I’m very disappointed in you, Helena.”

I tried to find my voice. But all that I heard in my head was the little girl that I had been, begging to be free. James trailed the edge of the knife slowly down my chest, his hand tightening on my throat.

“I was so happy you escaped the house in the woods. I really didn’t want to hurt you but there was evidence there that the authorities did not need to have. You understand, don’t you, princess? You understand sacrifice.”

He spun me around and shoved me hard against the wall. No one was going to hear the noise and he knew it. The noise down below in the bar was loud and now someone was playing a fiddle and was singing. They wouldn’t hear a thing.