A Naked Singularity: A Novel (7 page)

Counsel?

Well I don’t think it’s the people’s role to come in and request that a defendant be 730’d. The relevant question, it seems to me, is whether I can communicate with him and whether I feel that he understands the nature of the proceedings against him.

So what do you want to do with the case?

I want you to give him time served on a plea.

People?

We’re recommending six months on a plea your honor. The defendant has a previous record and the window will cost four hundred dollars to replace.

Six months then.

No disposition. I’m requesting that you release my client on his own recognizance.

Bail will be set; do you have a further application?

I’m requesting a 730 examination.

The defendant is remanded and a 730 examination is ordered. Case is adjourned for two weeks to Part C for results of 730 exam.

P.D. take charge, one going in! Step in you can communicate free of charge with the Department of Corrections. Counsel do you need an interpreter on the Chinese case?

Can you get one?

Not anytime soon, we’ll put it over to the lobster.

No, I can do without.

Okay. Next case is docket ending 654—
People versus Ah Chut
. Defendant is charged with Unlicensed General Vending on the sworn complaint of Officer Faddis. Counsel waive the reading of the rights and charges but not the rights thereunder?

Yes.

People?

People offer a 240.20 and one day of community service.

Where did this community service come from? You said 240.20 and time served.

If I said that, it was a mistake. The standard offer is a discon and one day community service.

The guy’s been in jail twenty-nine hours.

What are we doing here counselors?

I’m trying to get the people to offer time served on a sixty-one-year old first arrest who’s been in twenty-nine hours.

As you know counselor it’s their offer and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ll give him time served on a plea to the charge.

No because then he gets a record.

The offer is a discon with one day of community service.

You can go home now but you’ll have to do one day of community service.

Yeh.

My client is authorizing me to enter a plea of guilty to penal law 240.20, disorderly conduct, which is a violation not a crime, in exchange for the promised sentence of a conditional discharge with the condition that he perform one day of community service. He waives prosecution by information, waives formal allocution, and is ready for sentence.

Mr. Chut do you understand what your attorney just said?

He waives allocution judge.

No he doesn’t. I’m going to electrocute, I mean allocute him. Mr. Chut do you understand that your legal representative has offered to enter a plea of guilty on your behalf in exchange for the prosecution’s offer to reduce the charges in your case to the violation of disorderly conduct with the understanding that you will be sentenced to a conditional discharge the primary but not sole condition of which will be that you perform one day of community service?

Uh?

Do you speak and understand English Mr. Chut?

Can we approach?

Come up.

. . .

Judge he speaks very little English that’s why I waived allocution.

Well let’s get an interpreter.

In my experience that will take at least several hours at one in the morning and he’s already been in over twenty-four hours.

Well he clearly didn’t understand what I just said so I’m going to second call the case for an interpreter and let the next judge deal with it.

Can’t we just do the right thing here. Let him take the plea without allocuting, the case is over and all is well.

I’m not interested in doing
the right thing
as you call it; I’m going to do things correctly and that means not doing a case where the defendant doesn’t understand what’s happening.

Well then you don’t have to second call it, just release him with a date to return.

I’m not doing anything further on the case without an interpreter. How do I know he’ll even understand to return?

Then he’s entitled to be released if you’re not going to arraign him since he’s been in more than twenty-four hours.

You know the correct procedure for such an application is a writ.

Yeah and I know it takes longer than getting an interpreter.

A couple more hours in jail isn’t going to kill him . . . it’s not going to kill him.

Of course none of this would matter if she would just give him an ACD which is what the case is worth anyway; even he will understand
dismissed
.

I gave him the standard offer and I’m not changing it.

You seem to have an unhealthy fascination with all things standard.

Okay. That’s enough. Step back. Second call for Chinese interpreter . . . Chinese!

Second call, case is put over to AR-5! Step in. Final case is docket ending 652—
People versus Rory Ludd
. Defendant is charged with a violation of Parks and Recreation Regulation T-108 on the sworn complaint of Officer Milton. Counsel waive the reading of the rights and charges but not the rights thereunder?

Yes.

People?

On a plea to the charge people recommend time served.

I’ve discussed it with him and my client is authorizing me to enter a plea of guilty to a violation of this park regulation.

Mr. Ludd did you hear what your attorney has just said?

Yeah!

Yes?

Yes.

And is it true that you wish him to plead you guilty to violating this parks regulation?

I don’t have any choice.

You most certainly do have a choice, you can tell him you wish to fight this case. Is that what you want to do? Fight the case?

No.

So you wish to plead guilty?

Yes!

And is it true that you were in the park after it had closed?

I didn’t even know they closed the park! I wasn’t doing anything; I don’t understand what’s going on!

Well they do close the park and you’re no stranger to the system having been arrested . . . fourteen other times . . . so do you want to take this plea or not?

Yes. I was in the park after it closed and I’m pleading guilty but why did I have to be put through the system for something so stupid why couldn’t they have given me a summons or a D.A.T.—a disappearance ticket?

I’m not concerned with that Mr. Ludd. The fact is that whether it’s usual or not the police did nothing improper here and whether they put someone through the system or give them a summons is left to their discretion. That said, do you still wish to take this plea?

Yeah.

Yes?

Yes.

Very well. The sentence is time already served and there is no surcharge on these cases . . . time served.

Step out of the well your case is over. That being the final case of the evening, AR-3 is adjourned until 5:00 p.m. AR-5 will commence in approximately fifteen—

TOTAL BULLSHIT!

Hold it! Hold it! Get him back in here! Counselor I’m going to hold your client in contempt of court and sentence him to fifteen days. Do you wish to be heard?

Judge, I don’t think he meant to direct that to the court. I think he was just frustrated by the fact that—

Speak with your client because unless I get some kind of explanation the summary conviction and sentence will be imposed.

What are you doing? You were out the door.

I was just expressing myself man, I have a Fifth Amendment right to do that right? I spent a day in jail for no reason just because the cop didn’t like my face or something.

Whatever man. This is a battle you can’t win. What he wants is an apology, give it to him and I’ll get him to take back the contempt otherwise you’re going to stay in jail. Rory?

Fine.

Judge my client wishes to address you.

Mr. Ludd?

I want to apologize to your honors for cursing in the courtroom. Like my attorney said I was just frustrated by the situation.

Well the situation was one of your own making young man. If you don’t break the law you don’t get arrested it’s as simple as that. I do not stand for that kind of language either. This is a goddamn courtroom not some corner hangout! I don’t care what you think those cops did or didn’t do to you out on the street; when you come into my courtroom you show me respect because I am a man of respect. I think your attorney will tell you that I am an exceedingly fair-minded individual. How do you think you become a judge other than by demonstrating an extreme, almost-criminal, degree of impartiality but I will not have my courtroom turned into a circus by the likes of you. When I am confronted with such a situation I will wield my considerable power swiftly and decisively . . . decisive swiftness. You are going to have to learn to respect authority. The officer who arrested you and myself we are authority, ask your attorney. Now, are you sorry?

Yeah I’m sorry.

Yes?

Yes.

Fair enough, he’s not a bad guy at that. Next time he’ll obey the signs.

Fucking—

That’s it! I find the defendant guilty of contempt of court and sentence him to fifteen days. Fifteen days to be served under the vilest conditions permitted by New York law. Get him out of here!

Step in! P.D. take charge one going in.

What were you thinking Rory?

I didn’t think he could hear me. Can I take it back?

Judge you have to permit him to make a statement in his defense before you can summarily find him guilty of contempt.

He had his chance, I said get him out of here! We’re done! Step up counsel I want to talk to you . . . son I really think that you are a great attorney in the making, if not great then certainly tremendous. But you have to learn when to leave well enough alone. None of these people is worth your career and another less patient judge won’t stand for your little comments after every ruling you don’t agree with. And something like trying to do a case without an interpreter is just plain wrong and borders on the unethical. Now if you ask around you’ll hear I’m a fair judge. One of the best really. The best in fact and I say that despite being humble. I’m famous for that as well. I’m very proud of my humility and if I had to pick one quality of mine that has continually stood me in good stead and which has allowed me to achieve the status I have, I think I would point to that, my humility that is; either that or my intelligence. Now it’s not every judge who would take the time to talk to you like this and I hope you realize that. That’s another good quality that I have and which I try to fertilize as often as possible. So remember what I’ve just said here tonight . . . said here tonight. Good night.

Morning.

So how much is his bail?

Twenty-five hundred.

So ten percent of that and Terrens get out?

No. Here, twenty-five hundred means you have to pay the full amount in cash. Can anybody pay that?

No that’s a lot of money.

I know but we’ll be back in court on Tuesday and maybe we’ll get lucky.

If they don’t have an indictment on that day they have to release him.

Where’s that?

Part N, second floor of this building.

I’ll be there.

She turned and split making me the last night-court person in a courtroom duly filling with lobster-shift personnel. Now this shift ran from the a.m.’s one to its nine so many of the people milling about me then looked like warmed-over cadavers reanimated by some evil genius that they may haunt the living and they cast their vacant eyes on me amidst air still charged with the dim electricity of Transgression, the invisible contagion that permeated the room; all of which made me let’s-say eager to leave but when I did and stepped outside the immoral cold so set upon my flesh, forcing my shoulders to drop and squinch together, that I nearly beat an immediate retreat but didn’t because it was getting pretty late if I hoped to snag one of the cabs that lined up outside 100 Centre for the end of night court, especially after a voice from across the street stopped me in my tracks with: “You good man you! Good man, I call you tomorrow!” It was the guy who was convinced his wife wanted an irreversible divorce and whom I had sent to the precinct. Whatever they told him he sure seemed happy as he waved frantically while walking away and I realized I never even learned his name; some good man I made.

I saw there was only one cab left but rather than run or even trot I just followed my geodesic towards it like a soulless galactic body. Floating forward in this manner the vast sidewalk below of lightning-shaped cracks and flat, adhered pebbles, receded, section by section, into my past; in the dim light the many black islands of spent gum, various in size and shape but consistent in frequency, seemed like so many portals to null space. And at the Ptolemaic center lay a steaming lump of rags that only suggested humanity. For out of that amorphous shape emerged two leg-like structures ending in dull orange Chuck Taylors, one of which had been purposely ripped open near the ankle to expose a gapingly open sore that wetly reflected streetlamp light. But wait, maybe his entire body was an open sore and the circle I was staring at the only healthy patch. I looked away. Just before the cab was a round, waist-high kid dressed from chubby head to toe in aggressive pink and testing the limits of acceptable distance from the only nearby woman emitting any maternal air. He stared back at me as if I owed him money and sang distractedly in a troubling falsetto. He sang:
 
You’ve got to accen—tuate the positive, eli—minate the negative . . .
and wasn’t it like one in the morning on a Thursday night? I dropped into the cab and made my request. Suddenly behind me came an aural explosion directly into my bad ear:
Hi! This is Judd Hirsch! I know a thing or two about taxis, ha ha . . . ha, and I know that you should buckle up for safety
. I immediately thought of Latka Gravas altering his lifestyle to fit the fast lane with predictably grim results. Ah Latka! Ah humanity!