A Mother's Spirit (30 page)

She talked about him all the time and her eyes shone whenever she spoke his name. Gloria became worried that Helen might be heading for further heartache. She certainly had it bad.

‘Oh, Gloria, when he is near me I can scarcely breathe, and I can feel my heart thudding against my ribs,’ Helen said one day in mid-December. She turned to Gloria, her eyes were sparkling. ‘I haven’t felt this way since … You don’t think me awful, after John?’

‘Of course you’re not awful,’ Gloria said. ‘Why should you be? John is dead and gone and you have a perfect right to a life of your own. All I worry about is that you might get hurt again. I mean, how does he feel about you, Helen?’

‘I don’t know,’ Helen admitted. ‘Sometimes I feel that it isn’t possible to love someone as much as I do without them feeling something for me too.’

Gloria smiled grimly. ‘It is very possible, believe me,’ she said.

‘What about you?’ Helen asked.

‘What about me?’

‘I think Morrisey has a fancy for you.’

‘Nonsense,’ Gloria said dismissively, ‘but whether he has or not is neither here nor there. God, Helen, don’t you think I have troubles enough at my own door without looking for more?’

Later that night, after Ben has gone to bed, Gloria asked Joe if they could talk.

‘Well, of course we can talk,’ Joe snapped, and added before he could stop himself, ‘We can talk any day in the week, but you usually never have two words to say to me.’

He was sorry as soon as the words were out and they
hung in the air as Gloria gave a sigh and a shake of her head. Then she said, ‘Please, Joe, I don’t want it to be like this.’

Joe thought that Gloria was going to talk about the state of their marriage, which his mind recoiled from discussing and so he was surprised and relieved when she said, ‘The men on the base are putting on a Christmas party for the children of Derry this coming Saturday, the eighteenth.’

‘So? How does that affect you or me?’

‘They have asked me to help and said that I can take Ben,’ Gloria said. ‘He hasn’t had anything like a party since the year we first went to London, before the war, and toys and even basic food became unavailable. He barely knows anything about Father Christmas. Have you any objection?’

‘You mean you are asking my opinion?’ said Joe sarcastically. ‘You totally floor me. I would have said that my opinion in anything was of no account.’

‘Stop feeling so bloody sorry for yourself,’ Gloria snapped, angered at last by Joe’s attitude. ‘All right, if that is the sort of mood you are in, I will make the decision. I am taking Ben with me and that’s an end to it.’

‘Of course you are,’ Joe said. ‘You always do as you please, and I am the mug for putting up with it the way I do.’ He strode across the room as he spoke, took his coat from the back of the door and slammed out into the night.

As he walked he wondered why he was so cross. Not because of the child going to a party. He would be a poor father if he could begrudge the boy a bit of fun and lightness in his life. It was really the high-handed approach to everything that Gloria adopted. She would decide a thing and that was that. He thought that somehow things were coming to a head. Before war had been declared he’d told Gloria that he felt the country was balanced on a knife edge, and now he felt that his marriage was in the same state. And he also felt he had just as little control to change the course of events. He returned home a worried man.

Ben was almost speechless with surprise when Gloria told him he was going to a Christmas party.

‘They told me that first they are putting on a variety show for all of you, then you have the special party tea, and then you’ll see Father Christmas, only they call him Santa Claus.’

‘Some of the kids at school say that Father Christmas isn’t real,’ Ben said.

‘And what do you say?’

Ben shrugged. ‘I’m not sure.’

‘I’ll tell you what I am sure of,’ Gloria said.

‘What’s that?’

‘That every child who does believe will get a present.’ She added with a smile, ‘Are you sure now?’

‘You bet I am,’ Ben replied, and his grin nearly split his face in two. ‘Presents! Oh, boy!’

Gloria was to learn that the Christmas parties for the children had begun in 1941. Five months before the attack on Pearl Harbor, civilian technicians and construction engineers arrived in Derry to build the naval base, and their kindness to the children had endeared them to many of the Derry people. And that first year they took over the Rialto Cinema and entertained 7,200 children, and Santa Claus arrived in a beech wagon throwing sweets.

‘Gosh!’ Gloria exclaimed when she heard this in the canteen one day at work. ‘I wonder how they catered for so many.’

‘It doesn’t bear thinking about, does it?’ Helen said with a shudder.

‘Like my worst nightmare, that,’ one of the other women said.

‘Aye, you got to hand it to them,’ said another. ‘Must have nerves of steel. Harder job, I’d say, than facing the enemy.’

There was laughter at this, and then Gloria said, ‘Where does it all come from – all the fancy food, the sweets and the toys and everything?’

‘Your neck of the woods,’ the first woman said. ‘America, where else? It was a shock for many coming here and seeing how the people were living, and when they told them back home apparently they couldn’t do enough to help.’

‘I’m so glad they did,’ Gloria said. ‘I have never seen my son so excited about anything.’

Gloria had seldom worked as hard as she did at that party, for she had never seen so many children gathered in one place before. After the party tea, there was a conjuror to entertain the children while the ladies cleared away before the arrival of Santa Claus. When everything was done, Gloria slipped outside for a breath of air.

She wasn’t feeling too good. She had a pounding headache, probably brought on by the row she had had with Joe that morning before she and Ben had left. It hadn’t been helped, of course, by the screams and shouts of hundreds of excited children, and she leaned against the wall and closed her eyes, welcoming the blasts of cold air hitting her face. ‘Penny for them.’

She knew the voice, she wasn’t even surprised, and she opened her eyes to see Morrisey smiling at her. ‘You don’t want to share my thoughts, Officer Morrisey,’ she said.

‘Well, they sure as hell aren’t making you happy,’ Morrisey said. ‘And isn’t it about time that you started calling me Philip?’

‘I couldn’t.’

‘Sure you could. It’s an easy enough name to say.’

‘It’s not that.’

‘Well, what is it?’ Morrisey asked. ‘Your name is Gloria and mine is Philip. What’s the harm in using our given names?’

‘None, I suppose.’

‘So?’

‘All right,’ Gloria said with a smile. ‘Your name is Philip.’

‘Yes, and now that we have that established, Gloria,
haven’t you heard about a problem shared being a problem halved?’

‘Yes, but that won’t help in this case.’

‘How can you be the judge of that?’

Gloria wasn’t going to admit the real cause of her unhappiness and so she said instead, ‘I hate living in Buncrana. The place stifles me.’

‘I understand it,’ Phillip said. ‘I would die a death buried in a place like Buncrana for years, however pretty it is.’

‘The point is that we have the possibility of leaving here soon and Joe won’t even consider it,’ Gloria said.

‘Oh, yeah? How come, when living here is making you so unhappy?’

‘Oh, it’s all tied up with a sort of pact he made with his brother,’ Gloria said, and she went on to tell Philip about the money that Tom had raised for Joe’s fare to America and the promise Joe made that they would stay in Buncrana for a year until Tom made up his mind what he would do.

‘He should never have made that promise without asking you first,’ Phillip said.

‘Maybe not,’ Gloria replied, ‘but he did, and that is that, and he would rather chop off his right arm than break a promise he made to his brother. But if we don’t take this flat I just can’t see us ever leaving here. Anyway, I must go in now, and I’m sorry for burdening you with personal issues. It was wrong of me.’

‘Why was it?’

‘Those are not things that should be spoken of outside the family, and should never be brought to work.’

‘Why not?’ Philip asked. ‘I don’t know your husband and probably will never meet him, but what you have said maybe explains how sad you look at times.’

Philip held her trembling hands as she tried to leave, and said, ‘Don’t be afraid of me. I would never hurt you and I know that you are married and therefore spoken for, but
I have to say that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and your husband should tell you that often.’

‘Please, Philip, you’re embarrassing me.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, dropping his hands.

Gloria knew that she had to leave this man, to get away while she still could. ‘Please let me go,’ she said.

‘Not until I tell you how much I love you,’ Phillip said. ‘I have only just acknowledged the depth of feeling that I have for you. It’s been eating me up inside for weeks, ever since we met, really, but more particularly since the dance.’

‘You mustn’t say these things, Philip,’ Gloria told him, stepping away from him.

‘Even if they are true?’

‘No, they mustn’t be true,’ Gloria cried. ‘Philip, I can offer you nothing.’

‘I know that,’ Philip said. ‘It doesn’t help.’

‘You must see that this is wrong?’ Gloria said. She was aware of her heart thudding against her ribs and a weakness affecting all her limbs. She sighed and ran her clammy hands down the overall she still wore, and said in a voice that shook slightly, ‘I will leave you now.’

Philip reached out and drew Gloria into his arms. Then he bent his head and kissed the tears from her cheeks that she hadn’t been aware she had shed. She gasped and for a second their eyes met and they stared at one another. She saw the love light shining in Philip’s deep dark eyes and knew it was mirrored in her own. ‘Oh, Philip,’ she cried, and she could no more have prevented the kiss than she could have prevented the sun from shining.

As their lips met, it was as if an explosion happened inside Gloria. She knew her innards were on fire for Philip Morrisey and her heart felt heavy, for she knew this man was forbidden to her. So she kissed him with everything in her for she knew that that kiss would have to last her a lifetime. When they eventually broke away they were both breathless and yearning for more. Gloria realised that she
had reached a turning point and she had to put the brakes on because the sin was all hers. She was the one already committed.

Neither was aware of the passage of time, that the conjuror was long finished and that Santa Claus had given Ben a football. It was the very thing that Ben had wanted for years, and he was so full of exhilaration at getting such a magnificent present he had wanted to show his mother.

But she had been nowhere to be seen in the building and so he had gone in search of her. And he had found her, in the arms of another man and kissing him.

Ben thought all kissing between men and women disgusting and sloppy, and he didn’t even like his own parents engaging in it. Not that he had seen them doing much of it lately, but that didn’t give his mother the right to go around kissing other men. But he didn’t know what to do about it, and in the end he slunk back inside.

Helen looked at Ben’s unhappy face and said, ‘Did you find her?’

Ben shook his head. He certainly didn’t want anyone else to know what he had seen. However, just after Ben had gone into the main hall with the other children, Helen saw Gloria and Philip come in together.

One look at their flushed faces and Gloria’s tousled hair told its own tale and caused prickles of apprehension to run down Helen’s spine. She knew her friend was playing a dangerous game and she wondered how much Ben had seen, for something had badly disturbed him.

‘What’s the matter with Ben?’ Joe asked Gloria, the evening before Christmas Eve. ‘He hasn’t been himself for days.’

Gloria had been aware that there was something up and she had an idea that it was something that had happened at the party, for he had been tetchy on the way home, though she had no idea what it was.

‘How would I know?’ she said to Joe. ‘He’s said nothing to me, but it’s you he usually talks to if something is bothering him.’

‘Yeah, it is,’ Joe agreed. ‘But this time I can barely get a word out of him.’

‘I bet what Father Christmas leaves on Christmas morning will put a smile on his face,’ Gloria said.

It ought to, because into his stocking that year the silver sixpence, bar of chocolate and apple would be joined by a yo-yo, a bag of marbles, and a tin whistle, which Joe said he would teach him to play. But pride of place, on the bedroom floor would be the fort and lead soldiers that had belonged to Helen’s brothers, which Nellie thought Ben would like.

‘Well, it might,’ said Joe. ‘But then again it might not. I thought he would be over the moon to have a ball of his own, but he has barely looked at it since he brought it home.’

‘I know,’ Gloria said. ‘He can’t seem to care less about it.’

Ben could have told his mother that every time he took
the ball in his hands, he would see her wrapped in that man’s arms, and so he had no desire even to pick it up. But he didn’t say this because he kept that secret tight inside him, and that was where it was going to stay.

Initially, he had intended to tell his father about it, and almost did the following evening as they’d milked the cows in the byre, but he stopped himself. He had the feeling that to put what he saw into words would make things worse, not better, so he decided to say nothing and try to forget it had ever happened.

When Gloria had told Helen of Ben’s strange behaviour over the ball, she remembered seeing the boy’s amazed, joyful face when Father Christmas gave it to him, when he had been so overwhelmed that he almost forgot to thank him. But when she met him later, he looked confused and upset. He claimed he hadn’t been able to find his mother and yet she had come in with Philip only a short time afterwards.

What would it achieve, though, if she told Gloria this now? So, what she had said to Gloria was, ‘Christmas will give him a boost, you’ll see, and he would probably like you at home as well. We are lucky to get Christmas Day and Boxing Day off.’

Gloria said nothing because she wasn’t looking forward to it one bit. All she could think was that she wouldn’t see Phillip for two whole days. Since the kiss on the day of the party, she had avoided any situation where she might be alone with the man who disturbed her senses so much. She knew she had to do that because she was so greatly attracted to him that she couldn’t trust herself.

She knew he was aware of how she felt, for she had seen it in his speculative eyes, but he never made any sort of approach to her or made things awkward for her in any way. He knew as well as she did that neither of them could risk any sort of relationship developing between them, for that would lead to heartache for both of them, and she
didn’t dare think of the damage to Ben if it should leak out.

Just to see Philip in the canteen or around the camp was enough to set her pulses racing, and she felt quite bereft at the thought of not catching sight of him at all for two days. She found herself wishing the holiday was over and she was back at work. Immediately she felt guilty. What sort of mother was she who didn’t want to be with her child on Christmas Day? She really had to get a grip on herself.

First, though, they had Christmas Eve to get through.

It started badly with a row with Joe before she left that morning. ‘The sailors have to eat on Christmas Eve as well, you know,’ she snapped. ‘You just think yourself lucky that I have the next two days off, because the canteen is still open and I am not the only married one there.’

‘It’s not right,’ Joe said stiffly. ‘In the New Year we will have to rethink this whole business of your job at that camp.’

Gloria gave a hard brittle laugh. ‘Think all you like,’ she said, ‘but I will not give up my job and, anyway, I couldn’t really afford to and you know it. My wages are what buys much of the food to put on the table and so you stick to the high moral ground and we will all go hungry.’

Joe was silent because he knew that Gloria spoke the absolute truth. The harvest had been a poor one that year because the weather had been wet. Added to that, the milk yield was well down, and the death of the farrowing sow and all her piglets had been a blow. There was still the vet’s bill to pay. Without a sizeable proportion of Gloria’s wages the winter would be a very lean one.

Joe felt the helplessness he’d felt in New York when he couldn’t afford to provide adequately for his family and this frustration caused him to rap out, ‘Go on then to your precious job. It’s all you seem to care about anyway.’

‘And can you wonder at that?’ Gloria had said quietly as she lifted her coat from behind the door. ‘Remember, as
the trains are running only a skeleton service today, Helen and I are getting a lift home, so I might be a little later than usual.’

‘Does Joe mind you working Christmas Eve?’ Helen said as they settled themselves in the train.

Gloria sighed. ‘Joe minds about everything almost as a matter of course. But I have already decided that I will not let Joe’s attitude spoil things for me.’

‘Good for you,’ Helen said. ‘We only have the one life so we might as well try and enjoy it while we can.’

When they finished for the day, there was a little buffet arranged for the workers with food that many hadn’t seen in years, particularly those from Derry, who had their foodstuffs rationed. They tucked into proper sausage rolls, huge pork pies and slices of ham and pork. Even proper bread and butter was a treat when the usual bread was the grey National Loaf, and butter just a distant memory. And all this was followed by mince pies, chocolate log and Christmas cake.

There was punch to drink, and though the other women claimed it was delicious, Gloria and Helen viewed it rather dubiously. Colin and Philip waved their caution aside.

‘There is alcohol in it,’ Colin said, ‘but not that much. A couple of glasses will do no harm at all.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Philip said. ‘We have no desire to drive the pair of you home singing.’

‘Are you taking us back then?’ Helen asked.

‘Yes,’ Colin said. ‘Does that worry you?’

‘No. Should it?’

‘Let’s wait and see, shall we?’

Philip’s eyes met Gloria’s suddenly, and his smile caused her knees to quake.

The previous time they had travelled in the car with the two men, the petty officers had sat at the front and the woman at the back, but that day Colin, who was driving,
called Helen to sit up beside him, and Gloria and Philip got in the back together. Gloria’s whole body was trembling and she wasn’t surprised when Philip ’s arm slid around her. She didn’t repulse it, though in her heart of hearts she knew she should have done.

She had allowed him to hold her once before, and ended up kissing him, and though it was too wonderful to truly regret, she knew she shouldn’t have done it. Whatever she felt for him, she must go no further because soon she would be past the point of no return.

So, if she felt like that, why didn’t she slip out of his arms now? She didn’t understand herself at all, because she did the exact opposite and let her body sag against Philip’s with a sigh. Philip heard the sigh and smiled to himself, and he cuddled Gloria closer, a thing he had fantasised about doing for so long.

They talked of generalities until they reached the streets of Buncrana, and then to Gloria’s surprise Colin stopped the car at the bottom of the hill and got out.

‘Got to be the driver now, sweetheart,’ Philip said as he disentangled himself. ‘Come up and sit beside me.’

‘But why are you driving?’

Philip smiled. ‘Colin has other things to do,’ he said, adding to Colin, ‘Pick you up later, buddy. Same place.’

Colin, with his arm tight around Helen, gave a wave, and Philip drove up the hill and along the road towards the farm. As they neared it, Gloria felt misery envelop her and she knew that she didn’t want to go home.

When she sighed this time, Philip knew that it wasn’t a sigh of contentment and he said, ‘What’s the matter?’

‘Nothing,’ Gloria said. ‘Well, at least nothing special. I am just fed up with everything.’

‘I think,’ said Philip, ‘that it is more than that. I believe you are deeply unhappy.’

‘What makes you say that?’

‘It’s in every line of your body,’ Philip said. ‘And sometimes
in your face and manner. You were made for joy and laughter, Gloria. Your smile would light up the room and your eyes are the most beautiful that I have ever seen. I would like to see them dancing with delight. You deserve to be happy.’

‘Does anyone really deserve that?’ Gloria said. ‘I married Joe of my own free will when I was nineteen and I promised to love, honour and obey him for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death parts us. Nowhere does it mention that I should be happy in that marriage, though I was for many years, and now Joe is an unhappy as me.’

‘Gloria, you can’t go on like this.’

‘I can, Philip, and I must,’ Gloria said. ‘Eventually the war will end and you will return to the States, and I will try and breathe life into a dead marriage.’

‘Less than a week ago I told you that I loved you,’ Philip said.

‘Yes,’ said Gloria. ‘But that will change nothing, nor will the fact that I love you too.’

‘But—’

‘Philip, I am married to Joe for life, and mother to Ben,’ Gloria said. ‘And however much I love someone else, those facts don’t change. When I think of you leaving, to be honest, I feel sick, and yet it will happen and then this madness, this fantasy, will end too.’

‘It doesn’t have to be like this.’

‘For me it does,’ Gloria said almost angrily. ‘What d’you think I should do? Walk away into the sunset with another man and leave behind the one I have chosen and my poor unhappy child?’

‘Does Joe love you?’

‘Now, I don’t know,’ Gloria said. ‘Oh, he did. Once there was no doubt of it, and I also loved him, couldn’t ever imagine life without him.’

‘It’s a funny do altogether – love,’ Philip said. ‘People have been writing poetry and songs about it for years and
yet no one really understands it. Maybe it’s like a flower, and if you don’t tend it and care for it, then it dies.’

‘That’s what it feels like,’ Gloria said, nodding. ‘Like it’s all withered up inside me.’

‘And you will wither up too in the end,’ Philip said. ‘You said that you will try and breathe life into a dead marriage when I eventually leave for the States. How will you bring back to life something that is dead and gone? Living that way will destroy you. It would destroy anyone. Gloria, you only have the one life.’

‘I know. And I have chosen the path it must take. In the Catholic Church there is no room for a second chance.’

‘So you will sublimate your life for a man who no longer loves you and a boy who will one day grow up and leave you anyway?’

‘Yes,’ Gloria said. ‘That is the way it must be. Leave me here now at the head of the lane, Philip. Don’t come any further.’

Philip stopped the car and turned to Gloria. ‘I think you are making a grave mistake, but I will respect your decision, though it’s breaking my heart.’

And mine, Gloria might have said. She couldn’t trust herself to speak, however, and neither could she trust herself to stay alone with Philip any longer. As she slipped from the car and began walking down the lane towards the farmhouse, the tears began to seep from her eyes and she had to stop before she went inside to wipe the evidence away.

The next morning Ben was truly delighted with all that he had been given, especially the fort, which he had never expected, and Gloria was glad to see the shadows fade from behind his eyes. She did all that was expected of her. She walked to Mass with the family and bid everyone a Merry Christmas, and when she took Communion at the rails she felt justified in doing so because she had made it clear to Philip that there was to be no dalliance between them.

Outside the church, with the Mass over, Gloria could see that Helen was buzzing with excitement over something. When Gloria raised her eyebrows in enquiry, however, Helen gave a shake of her head and Gloria knew whatever news she had she didn’t want it shared with others. Gloria would probably have to wait until the day after Boxing Day to find out what it was all about.

Back home it was as if Gloria and Joe had decided to bury their differences for Christmas. After a wonderful dinner, Joe showed Ben how to work the yo-yo, and before it was time for the milking, he gave him his first lesson on the tin whistle.

When Gloria went to bed that night, she felt more peaceful than she had in a long time and wondered if Joe would reach out for her that night. Sex between them had become a memory of pleasure shared, but she would have welcomed some closeness between them that night. However, Joe was ages coming to bed and she was only drowsily half awake when he did slip in beside her. Then he turned on his side and went fast asleep.

Joe wasn’t actually asleep, he was lying listening to Gloria’s even breathing. He had desired her that night more than he had done in ages, but there were unresolved matters between them that couldn’t be swept aside by sex. In fact, he thought it might muddy the waters further.

The day after Boxing Day, Gloria met Helen on the road. ‘OK,’ she said. ‘Spill the beans. I am dying with curiosity.’

Helen was only too happy to tell someone. ‘Colin has asked me to marry him.’

‘Marry you?’ Gloria cried. ‘That is just terrific news.’

‘Ssh,’ Helen cautioned, because they were nearing the station. ‘No one must know yet.’

Gloria was puzzled. ‘Why not? Has he already got a wife in America?’

‘No,’ Helen smiled. ‘I’ll tell you when we get in the carriage.’