A Midsummer Tight's Dream (15 page)

We stood a little way off to give her some privacy.

Flossie said, “What’s her face doing?”

I looked. “I think she’s shouting.”

Oh dear.

Ruby came out of the darkness with Matilda. Matilda was still wearing her tutu although I noticed it was a bit grubby and had almost come off at the back.

Ruby said, “What’s Jo doing?”

I said, “She’s shouting.”

Ruby said, “Oh, bloody hell, I hope she doesn’t vandalize the phone box.”

As we waited like telephone guard dogs, more and more people were turning up at the hall and queuing to go in. It was mostly locals but no sign of the Bottomlys. One or two of the village girls looked at us but they didn’t smile.

Then Jo slammed down the phone and came out of the phone box. She looked like thunder.

Oh nooooo.

We went up to her and gave her a group hug. And she started sobbing. Oh crikey.

Then she yelled, “Get off me, you losers!!!! He likes me, he likes me, he really, really likes me. AND he’s got a plan. He’s got a plan!!!”

We all started whooping.

Vaisey said, “What is it? What is his plan? Is he going to be good and ask to come back to Woolfe Academy?”

Jo said, “No, he is going to do something SOOOOO bad that he will get sent back to Woolfe Academy in disgrace by his very disappointed parents!! Yes!”

I said, “What sort of thing is he thinking of?”

Jo said, “I don’t know, he thought at first he might burn the school caretaker’s shed down with Bunsen burners but he thought that might get him sent to Borstal. It has to be something bad, but not criminal.”

Vaisey said, “He could tie all the teachers’ shoelaces together so they fall over.”

Flossie said, “He could kidnap the headmaster and then just send bits of his clothes to the school. You know, like a bit of his tie, or the toe from one of his socks. With a ransom note saying, ‘Let Phil go back to Woolfe, otherwise the trousers get it!’”

She really has gone mad.

I think she and Seth Hinchcliff may be a marriage made in heaven (ish).

B
Y THE TIME WE
stopped talking about Phil and what he could do, the joint was quite literally hopping inside and out. Vaisey was so wound up about seeing Jack that she was practically herding us into the hall like a collie dog. Ruby snuck in with us but one of the blokes from The Iron Pies who was on bouncer duty saw her and said, “Ay up, Ruby, I see thee, you little madam. Get along home now, your dad’ll have our guts for garters if we let thee in.”

Ruby was livid and was kicking the wall.

I said, “Never mind, Rubes, your day will come. We’ll go and see the owlets tomorrow and you can wear the lipstick I bought you.”

She just said, “Huh.”

Then one of the village lads ran into Ruby’s legs on his bike. I think they call him “Bites yer legs.” I asked Ruby why and she said because he was called Norman. And I had said, “Oh, I see,” but I don’t. He was about Ruby’s age.

She clattered him across his head and he said, “Ay up, Ruby, going my way, luv?”

Ruby looked at him. “What, with thee?”

He said, “Aye, I’ve got some tripe for the dog and I’ve got summat for thee as well. Interested?”

Ruby said, “Might be.”

He said, “This is my offer, tripe for tha dog and I’ll bike you home and give thee a snog if you’re lucky.”

Ruby hit him over the head again. Which seemed to me the right thing to do, but then she said, “All right, shift up.”

And she got on the back of Norm’s bike. Matilda trotted off behind, her little doggie bottom waggling under the pink tutu.

This place never ceases to amaze me. You never read stuff like this in
Jane Eyre
. I don’t think the Brontë sisters would be on the school curriculum if people really knew what the North was like.

Inside the village hall, the stage was set up with microphones and a drum kit. Vaisey said, going a bit redder, “That’s Jack’s kit, I think he’s got new sticks.”

One of the big lads that I’d seen at The Blind Pig was doing a disco before The Jones came on. Quite a few peeps were dancing around and Flossie said, “Let’s cheer ourselves up by doing the famous Hiddly Diddly Diddly dance as a group. None of us have got the knees for it, besides Tallulah, but we can do our best.”

I felt proud that I had a dance named after me and when the next fast record came on we all started leaping and waggling our legs. It made you a bit hysterical leaping up and down. My knees were coming into their own. I was leaping higher and higher!! Vaisey’s hair had gone mad.

As we did our grand final leap, the music stopped, and the Bottomly sisters arrived. We were panting and leaning against chairs. And Eccles, Chas, and Dil came and looked at us. I mean really came and looked at us. Looming over us with their arms crossed.

It’s not just Beverley that’s got big arms; it’s all the Bottomly girls.

Eccles said, “Look at the state of you lot, tha’s’ll never get any decent lads to look at you.”

Dil said, “Not unless they were gormless lads from the Funny Farm.”

And they all laughed. Then Eccles said, straight to me, “Ay, and you long lanky streak of nowt, keep your bloody hands off Cain. I’m watching thee.”

And then they went off to talk to some lads by the bar. Eccles really has got an enormous bottom.

I said to the girls, “I wouldn’t like to get involved with her bottom on a dark night.”

After a few minutes of looking at who was there (what I mean is noticing that Charlie
wasn’t
there) the disco stopped and the lights on the stage went dim. Then the big lad from The Blind Pig said into the microphone, “Ladles and jellyspoons, it’s what you’ve been waiting for, so go crazy as I give you our own local lads, the one, the only, The JONES!!!!!!”

Jack came shyly on first and Vaisey started clapping wildly. He looked at her and smiled. He is a sweet-looking boy, and it’s nice that he likes Vaisey. Unless he has a funny turn like he did when Cain told him that the band shouldn’t have regular girlfriends because it spoiled their image. God, he’s vile. Cain, I mean.

Next was Ruben Hinchcliff. He looked very annoyed and he was either wearing a lot of eye makeup or he had a black eye. When Jack sat down at his drums he waved his drumstick at Vaisey and she went all red. Aaaahhhh.

She said in my ear, “He’s waving with his new drumstick.”

I wish I had someone to wave at me.

Jack started rocking out on the drums and Ruben joined in on bass.

Then Seth Hinchcliff swaggered on. He had his guitar slung around his waist like a gunslinger. The girls went, “Oooohhhhh,” and Flossie said, “Oh yes, he’s the one for me.”

I looked at her. “Flossie, they are like wild animals in trousers, as I’ve said before, you …”

But she was smiling at him from underneath her fringe. And he caught her eye and winked at her. This is bad.

This will only end in tears.

And I wasn’t the only one who thought it was bad. The Bottomly sisters had noticed the looking thing between Flossie and Seth, and they were looking over at us. Uh-oh. We huddled closer together.

Then, after a long pause, Cain Hinchcliff, the Black Prince himself, strutted onto the stage. He looked at us, then turned his back, lit a fag, and stubbed it out. Then lit another one.

I whispered, “You see what he did. People don’t count stubbing cigarettes out as littering, but it is just the same thing, you know I—”

Flossie said, “Be quiet, Lullah. I am looking at Seth.”

The crowd was chanting, “The Jones, The Jones, The Jones!”

Cain turned around and picked up the microphone. He growled into it. “Why should I bother wi’ thee?”

Someone at the back shouted, “Coz we luv thee lads.”

Cain snarled, “Love? What’s that all about then? ALL LOVE IS PAIN!!!!”

And the music started crashing out as Cain shouted over the top of it.

He was snarling, “Your love is my pain!!!”

Kicking the amps and glaring at the audience.

Bloody hell. I wouldn’t say he knew how to have a nice time. He’s always so cross. And the lyrics are not exactly happy and cheerful. Flossie said, “I don’t think their mummy and daddy told them that they were little sunbeams for Jesus.”

Near the end of the first set my ears were buzzing. The crowd was clapping and yelling but then Cain spoke softly into the microphone, “Keep it down, lads.” And Jack, Seth, and Ruben began playing softly. Cain went on, “This is a special song for a lass I know … very well. If tha knows what I mean.”

There was a restless sigh through the crowd. Knowing Cain, probably every girl in the village thought it was a song for her. At that moment Beverley entered through the side door. Cain saw her and said, “This is a song for someone, someone who knows who she is.”

Beverley looked like she was blushing and smiled at her sisters, who did a thumbs-up to her.

The lyrics to the song were:

I thought you were off, but you’re not

Tha just keep hanging around

Like a bloodhound

I’ve already got a dog
.

As soon as she heard it, Beverley flung off out of the door and the other Bottomly sisters bustled their way through the crowd, saying, “Beverley, luv, hang on! Dun’t go near that river! He’s not worth it.”

At the end of the set, we went outside for some air and sat on the wall.

Vaisey said, “Jack’s quite good at drumming, isn’t he?”

I said, “Well, he can certainly hit things.”

A few of the boys from Woolfe were strolling in. Ben was there and as he flopped past me he smiled.

Then Honey said, “Hello, Ben, you look weally handthome.”

I was sort of hoping that Charlie would turn up. But there was no sign of him.

Jo was in seventh heaven. Going on about Phil. “He said he really, really wanted to get back to see me. He likes me, he likes me, he really, really likes me. You were right about the human glue thing, Lullah. He mentioned my cracking snogging. Ooooh, I wonder what he is going to do to get back to Woolfe Academy? It’s la romantic, isn’t it?”

She really thinks I know something about human glue. Which I don’t. So far I’ve had a bat kiss, then a nice kiss that turned out to be from a boy who just wanted to be my mate, and finally a nose-licking incident.

I wish I had someone who would mention my cracking snogging. I wondered if Charlie had liked snogging me at all? Maybe he hasn’t got a girlfriend and he only pretended to have one because I was so useless at it.

It’s so unfair, how can you get good at snogging if no one will give you a chance?

We were sitting on the wall in the moonlight when Seth wandered out. He had a towel and was rubbing at his hair as he leaned against the side of the door. All cocky and relaxed. Rubbing his hair. The Hinchcliffs have got twisty mouths just made for sneering and saying mean things. They are quite handsome, I suppose, if you like that sort of dark maniac look.

He stared at Flossie, who got out her compact and put some lippy on. Then she snapped the compact shut and stared back at him.

Seth said, “Nice.”

I looked at him haughtily and sniffed and he looked at me but just at my front bit, so I put my arms across my corkers. I hope I am wrong about them growing three inches a week otherwise they’ll be able to be seen over Grimbottom.

To change the subject and ignore Seth, I said to Vaisey, “Ted Barraclough has started a band. It’s called The Iron Pies. Ruby said that they are going to be doing local gigs.”

But she wasn’t listening to me, she was too busy smiling at Jack who had also just come out.

Jack said shyly, “Hello, Vaisey. How is it going, all right?”