A McKaslin Homecoming (The McKaslin Clan) (11 page)

When she turned, ready to get back to the dishes, there was Gran smiling at her and loving her and holding out one hand. And, in the window beyond, Caleb watching her with dark, unreadable eyes.

Caleb dried the last of the pizza pans. He hadn’t taken his gaze from the window, where he had a perfect view of Lauren. How he was going to stop caring for her, he didn’t know. It might appear as if she belonged here with her family, but she had a life somewhere far away. And, maybe, more in mind for her future.

One thing was for sure. If he followed these rising feelings he would be putting his heart at risk. He wasn’t a man who liked to get hurt. His gut was telling him, too risky. Move back. Take cover. But his feelings, his heart, well, they weren’t obeying.

Watching her in the lengthening shadows of the sweet summer evening made all sorts of protective, caretaking emotions rise up. She was kind and loving and warm, and she drew him like grace. It would be so easy to fall in love with her. Just a few more steps to take, that was all, and he’d be one hundred percent devoted to her.

There was another problem, too. She was a woman who had been very plain about her beliefs. She didn’t think she could trust a man with her life and with her heart enough to marry.

Now, a smart man would see that as reason enough to take off out the back door, head home and put every thought of Lauren McKaslin out of his mind.

So, why wasn’t he doing it? He hung up the dish towel with a sigh. He didn’t have an answer to that.

He did turn toward the soft sound of her steps. His heart filled with joy at the sight of her. He watched the way she smiled when she found him, and there was no hiding the flash of joy on her face, in her spirit, in the air between them, when she spotted him. It was a joy that matched his.

What are you trying to tell me, Lord?

He gathered his courage and held out his hand. “Come walk with me.”

A
fter leaving Gran to rest on the porch swing, Lauren agreed to his request. And once they’d headed down the road and rounded the bend, out of Gran’s sight, Caleb moved closer to her. Well, maybe that was her wishful thinking. It was hard to tell for it was a subtle move.

They walked in companionable silence, which was a nice experience. She had to admit she was starting to believe in dreams. After all, this place was real. The Montana beauty really did invite a girl to dream, just a little. How could she help it? The air was scented with ripening grasses and the drifting scent of flowers full-faced in the fields. Larks trilled and the horses lifted their heads
from their grazing to nicker hellos. She breathed in the country goodness and peace settled deep into her soul.

Caleb nodded once toward the fence and changed his direction. “Leo’s coming over to say howdy.”

So they headed through the grassy shoulder of the road to the board fence. Grasshoppers startled out of their way. A jackrabbit a few yards away stopped to wiggle his nose, trying to smell if they were friend or foe. He must not have been too worried, because he slowly hopped deeper into the grasses. A hawk circled in a lazy sweep overhead and, in the distance, deer grazed at the edge of a creek.

“This could be a scene from a Western,” she said. “All that’s missing are the buffalo.”

“The neighbor on the other side of my property has a small herd.”

She nodded. She should have known. Leaning her forearms against the sun-warmed board fence, the way Caleb did, she waited for Leo to meander over. She was going to miss this. These wide-open spaces grew on a person.

Caleb gazed out at the horses. “I hear
you’ve got a family thing lined up tomorrow.”

“I do.” He’d been standing finishing up the dishes the whole time, in front of the huge window over the sink, which had been open to the evening breezes. Sound traveled a long way in the country. “What else did you overhear?”

“Now, I didn’t mean to. It’s quiet here. A small sound makes a big impression.”

“I’ve never been in such a quiet place. There’s no traffic sounds. No airplanes overhead. There’s no neighbor noise, no blaring TVs, car alarms, voices, kids playing basketball. Nothing.”

“Well, your grandmother owns a few hundred acres. It puts distance between neighbors.”

She felt different from the woman she’d been when she’d first driven up this road. Then she was pretty sure who she was and what path God meant for her, but now? Not so much. Coming here had turned everything upside down. It was like one of those snow globes, she had upended her life and given it a good shake to get the snow to start swirling. Eventually it would calm and every last piece
of snow would settle. She took a deep breath and wondered if this was her life settling, finally.

Everything felt different. Better. And this companionship with Caleb was nice. But would the sweetness she felt for him last? She was leaving in a few days. Her life wasn’t here.

Yet.

That single word jolted through her brain. Where had it come from? More wishful thinking? Or, in fact, from something more substantial?

“I’ll have to pull an early shift tomorrow.” He stared ahead at the horses, who had their heads up and were ambling closer. He didn’t sound as if it were a big deal to him. “Means I’m on the clock tomorrow by five-thirty.”

“Let me guess. You won’t be able to take me riding?”

“My regrets. It’s a big vacation season and we’re short staffed, so I couldn’t switch with anyone. Suppose we could make that lesson for another time?”

What he was saying was perfectly logical and reasonable. So why did she feel disappointed? Was it the chance to ride that she
would miss, or was it spending time with the man?

Wait. Don’t answer that, she ordered to herself. Instead, she took a steady breath and tried to sound as reasonable as Caleb. The calm, logical tone of her voice surprised her. “I understand. I don’t think I’ve told you how much I’ve appreciated your teaching me. Surely you must have something better to do.”

“As a matter of fact, I don’t. Besides, I’ve sort of liked it.”

“Me, too.”

He didn’t look at her, but she could feel his smile. There was no hint of it in his hard-planed face or the stony line of his mouth, but it was there all the same, like a little smile of the heart.

Leo, who’d taken his sweet time walking in the evening heat, nosed up to the fence. Caleb held out his hand to greet his gelding by touch. “Not that I’m much of a rider. It won’t take much longer and you’ll have to leave me for a more accomplished teacher. Like Aubrey. Now, she was on the Olympic equestrian team. She could teach you in a way I can’t.”

“Really? I didn’t know that. Although I
did get to go to the riding stable where she boards her mare and it’s impressive. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

“I suppose you’re interesting in the fancy riding. English saddles. Those riding fashions. Jumping.”

“I think you have the entirely wrong idea of me.” She seemed to think that was pretty amusing. “I’m not so fancy. Haven’t you noticed?”

Sound indifferent, man. Hold back your heart. “You seem just fine to me.”

“You’re not so bad, yourself.”

Good to know. He gave Leo’s nose a pat. “Maybe when you’re back home, you might miss this place.”

“There’s no maybe about it.”

“You have classes starting soon.”

“Sadly. I love school, but I wouldn’t mind having a little more time here.”

“Sure. I get that.” He kept rubbing Leo’s nose, careful to keep his feelings hidden. It didn’t hurt to do a little recon before he took one more step where his heart was telling him to go and his logic was warning him away from. “You must miss home. All your friends. There’s a lot to do there.”

“At first. I missed it more with every mile that passed on my way here. But Gran has made me feel so welcome and my family makes me feel as if I belong here and—”

“And?” He waited, desperately wanting her to finish that sentence.

“It’s been nice getting to do things I’ve never had a chance to do, like learning to ride.”

“I’m glad I could help with that.”

She inched closer, just a smidge, so she could stroke Leo’s sun-warmed neck. The gelding nickered in approval. “It’s been nice getting to know you, too.”

“Is that so?”

“Sure. I don’t have a lot of time for friends, sad as that sounds. I’m just trying to get through school and improve my life.”

“That’s an admirable thing.”

“You think so?”

“I do.” He liked that his opinion mattered to her. He sure was starting to wonder about her opinion of him. “You work hard. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“The thing is, my life isn’t balanced. Everyone has family, but I do better when I’m away from my mom.” She didn’t look
at him as she talked, as if that would make it easier to be so frank. “Everything that I was missing in my life was here all along.”

“So, it’s been life changing?”

“Coming here has changed my whole world. I can see how—maybe—I’ve kept myself buried in my work and school striving so hard so I don’t have to risk getting hurt.”

Bingo. She’d said exactly how he’d been feeling for the last few years. “How about that? The city girl and the country boy have this in common.”

“You, too?”

“It was the best way to deal with a lot of stuff.”

“You’ve had a lot of loss, too. Your parents, your grandparents, your broken engagement.”

“Yep, life has a way of beating all of us with a big stick from time to time. You gotta take the bad with the good.”

“That’s the hard part about living. My mom couldn’t deal with the harder part of life, responsibilities, commitment and consequences. She coped by always looking for the fastest and easiest path out of a problem
and that always landed her—us—in more crisis.”

“That had to be tough on a little kid.”

“Very.”

Hold on to your heart, Caleb, he told himself. He tried not to picture her as a little girl with ringlet curls and those big violet eyes and vulnerable the way all children were, the way everyone was—and failed.

It was easy to picture her, all of her, past the protective distance she kept between them. She’d been hurt. He knew what that was like. She was alone. He’d gotten a good taste of it these past few years. Life was a balance of good things and bad things, but it was the choices a person made that determined their mettle. Their character. What they stood for. He could see that in Lauren, too.

Don’t fall in love with her, man. But he feared he had already started to fall.

“That’s why I’ve tried so hard,” she continued saying. “I saw the mistakes Mom made and where that led her. And I don’t want to go down that path, but I think life’s taking me there anyway. I hadn’t noticed that until now. Until tonight.”

“What do you mean? You said you don’t want a film career.”

“Goodness, no.” Lauren couldn’t even imagine that; just as she couldn’t figure out the right words to say what she meant. Her feelings were jumbled up inside, a big tangled knot. They would take time to sort out. She wanted to escape Caleb, escape being tangled up this way. But how impossible was that? She could run, sure, but emotions had a way of staying with a person.

She took her time, searching for the right words and failing, so she did the best she could. “Mom was so alone. She used to say we were together, we were a team, but that wasn’t true. I was a child and there was only so much I could do for her. She hopped from one bad relationship to the next. She was afraid of being alone, but she never let anyone close to her. In a real way, you know what I mean? She’s alone now, between marriages, as she’s always been. I always prided myself on being different from her. On being more sensible and grounded. On not making the mistake of relying on other people. I guess I thought
that was one of her flaws. I learned that you can only rely on yourself. But now—”

She fell silent, and he turned toward her, inching closer. It was not her imagination. Nor was it a trick of the light that made him seem so revealed. He had a big compassionate heart and she adored him.

It was hard not to think
wow
. Hard not to lay her cheek against him. To find out if being held in his arms would offer the safe harbor she wished for. But even thinking about getting that close to him made fear rumble through her middle. She was afraid. But not of him.

She was afraid of finding out if he felt this, too. If anyone looked trustworthy enough for her to fall for, it would be Caleb Stone. And if he did feel the same way, then what? She’d have to actually trust someone on a deep level, which she’d never done before. That meant relying on him. Trusting him. Scary stuff.

Just say it, Lauren. She took a deep breath and took a step on that scary ground. “Now, being here and meeting my family, I can see how intertwined their lives and their affections for one another are. I feel a little
part of that, for the first time ever. I have real family ties. And on the other hand, I’ve never seen myself as so alone.”

“What do you mean?”

“This family really cares and it’s not superficial. It’s deeper than appearance; I’ve never known this before. I’ve always been afraid of it. I—” She shrugged.

He leaned closer and picked up where she left off. “If you don’t care so much, you can keep yourself safer. You won’t be as disappointed or as hurt. Really letting anyone into my heart in a deep way really scares me, too.”

“Exactly.” Caleb seemed to understand where she was coming from—again. “Exactly. It’s how I’ve lived my life. It’s how I’m
living
my life. That makes me just like my mom. Just like her.”

“That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?” He didn’t know; he couldn’t see it. She thought of her fairly solitary life back home, of the hours she devoted to studying in the graduate library on campus, of the friends she had who were more acquaintances than friends, of the long hours she put in at both of her jobs; and of
the way she attended church alone and knew only a few of her fellow churchgoers by name and then only in passing.

But she had had no lasting relationships. Nothing that mattered. “I think about my mom. How could she have been in this family with Mary for a mother, so devoted and loving, and then married to Dad, so reliable and solid. She looked so happy; there were so many pictures of her smiling. She appeared to be the perfect daughter, the perfect wife and the best mother, but she wasn’t happy. What if she always held back her heart, the way I’ve been doing? Then I’m on the same path in a way.”

She fell silent, holding back one last thought. I’m afraid of doing that with you.

The horse was nibbling Caleb’s shirt-sleeve and collar for attention and not getting any. No, the man’s focus was solely on her. He had an intensity like a magnetic pull that drew her a step closer. She longed to open her heart to him. It was a totally new longing, one she’d never had before.

I care about this man. I truly do. The realization frightened her a little more—but it was a good kind of fear. Her grandmother
trusted him, her sisters trusted him, why shouldn’t she trust him?

Because she’d never trusted anyone that much. It had never seemed like a good idea, to lean on anyone. But everything had turned upside down and she was seeing her life with new eyes. She’d never realized how much in life she was losing out on. In that way she was truly her mother’s daughter and it wasn’t a legacy she wanted.

“I hold back my heart too much,” she admitted.

“It’s how you survived a turbulent childhood.” The way he said it made it sound so reasonable.

“But at what point does it become taking the easier path? Look at my grandmother. She’s lost her parents, her brother, her son in Vietnam, her daughter to disappointment, her sister, her husband and her friends. That’s a lot of loss for one woman, but she’s the most loving and giving person I’ve ever known.”

“If it’s any help, you seem to be doing all right.”

“It means a lot to me that you think so.” She’d never felt so close to someone. Never
felt so vulnerable. Her affection and regard for Caleb grew stronger.