A Lovely Sunday for Creve Coeur (4 page)

BODEY:
Don’t do no more calisthenics if it affecks you this way.

DOROTHEA:
Just,
just—knock
at the door when Miss Gluck has gone back upstairs, that’s
my—whew!—only—request
 . . .

BODEY:
—Yes
, well . . .

DOROTHEA:
No coffee, no crullers or
she—will
stay—down here—forever—ha!

HELENA:
Oh, she seems engaged for the moment . . .

BODEY:
Aw, the phone! Is it that principal, Ellis?

HELENA
[
aside from the phone
]: I’m afraid not. It seems to be Dorothea’s other
admirer—
quel embarras de richesses
 . . .

BODEY
[
rushing to the phone
]: Must be Buddy.
—Buddy
? Well?
—Yeh
, good, what suit you got on? Well, take it off. It don’t look good on you, Buddy. Put on the striped suit, Buddy an’ the polka dot tie, and, Buddy, if you smoke a cigar at Creve Coeur, excuse yourself and smoke it in the bushes.

HELENA:
This
is—

BODEY:
That’s right, ’bye.

HELENA:
—absolutely
bizarre! You found a clothes brush? That’s not a clothes brush. It’s a whisk broom. Sorry. It doesn’t look clean.

BODEY:
Sorry. My nerves.

HELENA
[
taking it and brushing herself delicately here and there
]: What was that counting I heard? Is Dorothea counting something in there?

BODEY:
She’s counting her swivels in there.

HELENA:
Swivels of what?

BODEY:
Hip swivels, that’s what. She’s counting. Every morning she does one hundred bends and one hundred
set-ups
and one hundred hip swivels.

HELENA:
Regardless of weather?

BODEY:
That’s right, regardless of weather.

HELENA:
And regardless
of—Hmmm
 . . .

BODEY:
—What
else, huh?

HELENA:
Dorothea has always impressed me as an emotionally fragile type of person who might collapse, just suddenly collapse, when confronted with the disappointing facts of a situation about which she’d allowed herself to
have—romantic
illusions.

—No
matter
how—well
, I hate to say foolish but even intelligent girls can make mistakes of this nature . . . of course we all felt she was attaching too much importance
to—

BODEY:
“We all” is who?

HELENA:
Our little group at Blewett.

BODEY:
Yeh, there’s always a gossipy little group, even down at International Shoe where I work there is a gossipy little group that feels superior to the rest of us. Well, personally, I don’t want in with this gossipy little group because the gossip is malicious. Oh, they call it being concerned, but it’s not the right kind of concern, naw, I’d hate for that gossipy little group to feel concerned about me, don’t want that and don’t need it.

HELENA:
Understandably, yaiss. I will return this whisk broom to Dorothea.

BODEY:
No, no, just return it to me.

HELENA:
I have to speak to her and in order to do that I’ll have to enter that room. So if you’ll excuse me
I’ll—

BODEY:
Miss Brooksit, you’re a visitor here but the visit was not expected. Now you excuse me but I got to say you sort of act like this apartment was yours.

HELENA:
—What
a dismaying idea! I mean
I—

BODEY:
And excuse me or don’t excuse me but I got a very strong feeling that you got something in mind. All right, your mind is your mind, what’s in it is yours but keep it to yourself, huh?

HELENA
[
cutting in
]: Miss Bodenheifer, you seem to be implying something that’s a mystery to me.

BODEY:
You know what I mean and I know what I mean so where’s the mystery, huh?

DOROTHEA
[
calling from the bedroom
]: Is somebody out there, Bodey?

BODEY:
Just Sophie Gluck.

DOROTHEA:
Oh, Lord!

HELENA:
What was that you called me?

BODEY:
I told Dotty that you was Miss Gluck from upstairs.

HELENA:
—Gluck?

BODEY:
Yeah, Miss Gluck is a lady upstairs that comes downstairs to visit.

HELENA:
She comes down to see Dorothea?

BODEY:
No, no, more to see me, and to drink coffee. She lost her mother, an’ she’s got a depression so bad she can’t make coffee, so I save her a cup, keep her a cup in the pot. You know for a single girl to lose a mother is a terrible thing. What else can you do? She oughta be down. Weekdays she comes down at seven. Well, this is Sunday.

HELENA:
Yes. This is Sunday.

BODEY:
Sundays she comes down for coffee and a cruller at ten.

HELENA:
Cruller? What is a cruller?

BODEY:
Aw. You call it a doughnut, but me, bein’ German, was raised to call it a cruller.

HELENA:
Oh. A cruller is a doughnut but you call it a cruller. Now if you’ll excuse me a moment, I will go in there and relieve Dorothea of the mistaken impression that I am Miss Gluck from upstairs who has come down for her coffee
and—cruller
.

BODEY:
Oh, no, don’t interrupt her calisthenics.

DOROTHEA:
Why, Helena
Brookmire! —What
a surprise.
I—I—look
a
—mess!

HELENA:
I heard this counting and gasping. Inquired what was going on. Your friend
Miss—what?

DOROTHEA:
You’ve met Miss Bodenhafer?

HELENA:
Yes, she received me very cordially. We’ve dispensed with introductions. She says any friend of yours is a friend of hers and wants me to call her Bodey as they do at the office. Excuse me, Miss Bodenheifer, I must have a bit of private
conversation—

DOROTHEA:
Well, I wasn’t expecting a visitor today, obviously not this early. You see,
I—never
receive a visitor here. . . . Is there something too urgent to hold off till Monday, Helena?

HELENA:
Have our negotiations with the realty firm of Orthwein and Muller slipped your flighty mind?

DOROTHEA:
Oh, the real estate people, but surely on
Sunday—

HELENA:
Mr. Orthwein called Cousin
Dee-Dee
last night and she called me this morning that now the news has leaked out and there’s competitive bidding for the apartment on Westmoreland Place and the deal must be settled at once.

DOROTHEA:
You mean
by—?

HELENA:
Immediate payment, yes, to pin it down.

DOROTHEA:
Today? Sunday?

HELENA:
The sanctity of a Sunday must sometimes be profaned by business transactions.

DOROTHEA:
Helena, if you’ll just have some coffee and wait in the living room, I will come out as soon as I’ve showered and dressed.

BODEY:
Yeh, yeh, do that. You’re embarrassing Dotty, so come back out
and—

HELENA:
Gracious!

BODEY:
Yes, gracious, here! Set down, I’ll get you some coffee.

HELENA
[
with a sharp laugh
]: She said, “I look a mess,” and I couldn’t contradict her.

BODEY:
Here! Your coffee! Your cruller!

HELENA
[
haughtily
]: I don’t care for the cruller, as you call it. Pastries are not included in my diet.
However—I’d
like a clean napkin. You’ve splashed coffee everywhere.

BODEY:
Sure, we got plenty of napkins. You name it, we got it. [
She thrusts a paper napkin at Helena like a challenge
.]

HELENA:
This paper napkin is stained. Would you please give
me—

BODEY:
Take ’em all. You stained that napkin yourself. [
She thrusts the entire pile of napkins at Helena
.]

HELENA:
You shoved the cup at me so roughly the coffee splashed.

BODEY:
Aw, that’s Sophie Gluck.

HELENA:
I don’t care to meet Miss Gluck.

BODEY:
Will you set down so I can let in Sophie Gluck?

HELENA:
So if you’re going to admit her, I will take refuge again in Dorothea’s bedroom. . . . There is another matter I’ve come here to . . .

BODEY
[
seizing Helena’s arm as she crosses toward the bedroom
]: I know what you’re up
to! —JUST
A MINUTE,
BITTE
, SOPHIE! I can guess the other matter you just can’t hold your tongue about, but you’re gonna hold it. It’s not gonna be mentioned to cloud over the day and spoil the Creve Coeur picnic for Dotty, Buddy, an’
me! —COMIN’
, SOPHIE! [
Then, to Helena, fiercely
.] YOU SET BACK DOWN!

DOROTHEA:
Bodey, Bodey, what
is
going on out there? How could a phone be heard above that shouting? Oh, My Blessed Savior, I was bawn on a Sunday, and I am convinced that I shall die on a Sunday! Could you please tell me what is the cause of the
nerve-shattering
altercations going on out there?

HELENA:
Dorothea, Miss Bodenheifer’s about to receive Miss Gluck.

DOROTHEA:
Oh, no, oh no, Bodey, entertain her upstairs! I’m not in shape for another visit today, especially
not—Bodey!

BODEY:
Sophie, Sophie, you had me worried about you.

HELENA:
I’m afraid, Dorothea, your request has fallen upon a calcified eardrum.

BODEY:
You come downstairs so late.

MISS GLUCK
:
Sie hat die Tür in mein Kopf zugeschlagen!

BODEY
[
to Helena
]: You done that to Sophie!

HELENA:
An unknown creature of demented appearance entering like a sneak thief!

BODEY:
My best friend in the building!

HELENA:
What a pitiful admission!

BODEY:
You come here uninvited, not by Dotty or me, since I never heard of you, but got the nerve to call my best friend in the building . . .

MISS GLUCK
:
Diese Frau ist ein Spion
.

BODEY:
What did you call her?

HELENA:
I called that woman demented. What I would call you is intolerably offensive.

MISS GLUCK
:
Verstehen Sie?
Spy.
Vom Irrenhaus
.

BODEY:
We live here, you don’t. See the difference?

HELENA:
Thank God for the difference.
Vive la différence
.

DOROTHEA
[
coming just inside the living room
]: Helena, Bodey.

HELENA:
Be calm
Dorothea—don’t
get overexcited.

MISS GLUCK
:
Zwei Jahre
. Two years.

DOROTHEA:
Why is she coming at me like this?

MISS GLUCK:
State asylum.

BODEY:
You come here to scrounge money outta Dotty which she ain’t got.

MISS GLUCK:
Sie ist
hier—mich
noch
einmal—im
Irrenhaus zu bringen
. To take back to hospital.

HELENA:
Aside from the total inaccuracy of your assumption and the insulting manner in which you express
it—
. As you very well know, Dorothea and I are both employed at Blewett. We are both on salary there! And I have not come here to involve myself in your social group but to rescue my colleague from it.

BODEY:
Awright, you put it your way, it adds up to the same thing. You want money from Dotty which she ain’t got to give you. Dotty is broke, flat broke, and she’s been on a big buying spree, so big that just last night I had to loan her the price of a medium bottle of Golden Glow Shampoo, and not only that, I had to go purchase it for her because she come home exhausted. Dotty was too exhausted to walk to the drugstore. Well, me, I was tired, too, after my work at International Shoe and shopping, but out I hoofed it to Liggett’s and forked out the
forty-nine
cents for the medium size Golden Glow from my own pockets, money I set aside for incidentals at the Creve Coeur picnic. There’s
always—