A Little Christmas Jingle (19 page)

“I saw her heading your way. I came as fast as I could. Sorry I didn't get in there in time.”

Kat's glance trailed the annoying blond. “Who was that?”

“Julie. The ex.”

The five-year ex. Jack's long-term girlfriend. The one he'd refused to marry after she'd given an ultimatum. “She … wasn't very nice,” Kat burst out before she could stop herself. “What other type of woman has the nerve to approach me in the bathroom to give me a lecture on Jack's lack of commitment?” Kat relayed the entire conversation.

“Oh that's priceless. I wish I could have seen her face.” Sharon waved her hand in front of her mouth as if that would somehow stop her immediate laughter. “Truer words were never spoken. She is a bitch. None of us want her here, but she's engaged to one of Brian's friends. We were never her biggest fans. She wasn't right for Jack. Not the way you are.”

Kat let that latter part slide. “I just wish Jack would have told me she was coming.”

“I doubt he knew. He did his job and showed up in a tux, which is about all you can expect from Jack when it comes to weddings. They make him uncomfortable. Maybe it has to do with holidays. I don't think he is in to all of the pomp and circumstance. I'm sure some psychoanalyst could have a field day with him. Oops, shouldn't have said that. Now I'm going to scare you away. Believe me, there is no person more loyal and loving than Jack. When family needs him, he's there one hundred ten percent.”

“It's fine,” Kat mumbled, absorbing.

The two women made their way back into the main room, where the single women were lining up for Cecily's bouquet toss. “Get in there,” Joyce urged, snagging Kat mere seconds through the archway.

“But I—” Kat protested. However, Joyce propelled Kat by the elbow until she stood next to Brenna in the middle of the crowd.

“I see my mom got you here too,” Brenna said with a whimsical laugh. “I'm nineteen. As if. Dumb tradition.”

“Well, I don't want it. I'm not even sure why I'm here …” Not paying any attention as the throwaway bouquet hit her smack dab in the face, and as her hands instinctively went to protect herself, she caught the roses perfectly. “Damn it.” She plastered on a smile and held the flowers high as, all around her, people applauded.

Joyce materialized. “A picture, Kat,” she insisted, the beleaguered photographer trailing behind. “Cecily said she might get them to you and she did. Oh, I do hope you're next. You are perfect for Jack! You really keep him in line, and he's been so much happier lately. I can't wait until the day I can welcome you to the family properly.”

“I'm not, we're not …” Kat said, but Joyce gushed on and Kat tuned her out. Across the room, Jack smiled and raised his beer in a toast. He'd managed to wiggle out of the garter toss. “Smile dear,” Joyce said, and Kat smiled automatically for the camera.

Joyce gave her hands a squeeze. “You are so good for my son. Look at him smiling!

But she wasn't smiling, and that fact sat heavy, was almost oppressive. Around her, people had the time of their lives and the bride and groom got ready to spend their first night as husband and wife. Kat made a beeline for Jack the moment the photographer said “Thanks” and Joyce let her go. She hated tearing Jack away from his sister's reception, but she couldn't stay another minute.

“I need you to take me home.”

He blinked, his smile fading. “Huh?”

“I'm not feeling well. I want to go home now,” she told him. Her words came out harsher than expected, so she tempered them. “I'm tired. Long day at the office and I ate way too much. I hope I'm not coming down with anything. You can just take me home and drop me off. Come right back.”

Worry creased his brow. “Then I'll get our coats.”

Jack headed off as Kat stood by her table and sipped the cup of water he'd gotten for her.

“You leaving?” Joyce asked, frown on her face.

Kat nodded as something inside her fisted tight. She wasn't lying as she replied, “I am. I'm not feeling well and I worked all day. Jack will come right back.”

“He should stay with you.” Joyce put her hand on Kat's forehead. “You don't feel warm. I hope you're okay. Will we see you Sunday night for dinner?”

“I don't think so,” Kat replied, as the truth became a bitter pill. She couldn't allow herself to become involved any deeper. Jack's family consisted of wonderful people, but as much as she liked them, she didn't belong here. She couldn't keep letting them think this was real. She couldn't continue the charade another minute more. If she kept pretending, she'd be in a lie she'd never let end. Her heart belonged to Jack, and tonight proved she wanted her own wedding. However, Jack had repeatedly told her he wasn't looking for commitment.

“But we would love to see you Sunday and—”

Kat grabbed Joyce's hands as Joyce had done so many times to her. “We'll catch up later,” she fibbed because doing so was easier. Then she strode to the coat check, where Jack stood with a deep, forehead-creasing frown.

“What's wrong?” he asked as they drove away. “Did I do something to upset you? Or was it Julie? I saw her and—”

“No, it wasn't Julie. It's me.”

Her apartment was ten minutes away. Time to get this over with, run inside, lick her wounds, and hide until tomorrow. “I think we should call this off. We're lying to everyone and I can't do it anymore.”

She saw only his vague profile inside the darkened car. Silence fell, and she rushed to fill the noiseless vacuum. “The wedding's over. If we stage a breakup, then your family will be off your back for the holidays, and we don't have to pretend anymore.”

“This night didn't feel like pretending, Kat. I thought we agreed we were comfortable taking things as they arrived.”

“All we've done is have sex. We don't have a real relationship. We have something else. I'm not exactly sure what to call it.” Kat knew she wasn't making sense. She'd never been good at articulating her feelings, especially under this kind of pressure. “The bottom line is this—us—isn't going anywhere. We're having a good time, but …”

“There's always a but.”

“I'm not going to be your ex. I'm not going to issue an ultimatum. Better we end it now rather than later, when your family thinks we're too involved. Or when we hate each other. Or when your family expects you to marry me, as clearly they do as your sister deliberately hit me in the face with her flowers. She's not that bad of an aim.”

“What if I don't want this to end? Does what I want count?”

She sighed. You couldn't change what had never truly been real. “Jack, from the moment I met you, you said no commitment. Trust me. It's better this way. Much better. Besides, I have my court case Monday. I need to focus on that. This has all been one big distraction. I've let myself pretend, believe things I shouldn't have. Besides, my lawyer says our relationship might have even made things worse.”

“I don't believe that. What we have is special. We should talk this out. Work something out.”

“Like what?”

“I don't know,” he admitted, fingers tight on the steering wheel. “Just know that I've never wanted to work things out with anyone else before. It's never felt right before, which is why I've hesitated.”

“It doesn't matter.” Kat hated how cruel her words sounded. “It's my life. It's what I believe that matters. It's better if we don't see each other anymore. Go back to maintaining our professional distance.”

They'd reached her apartment, and he drove into the back alley. She wanted to touch him, take away the pain she could see written on his face, pain she'd caused.

Oh God, she was head-over-heels in love with him. She'd fallen hard, fast, and deep for a man who could never love her back.

Like all those Christmas movies, she'd bought into the fantasy, the fairy tale, the belief that things would work out. Her own warning returned to haunt her.

She tossed open the car door, but he was there in an instant to help her out. He touched her arm, and her skin caught fire through the fabric.
God, even after all of that she still wanted him!
“Don't do this.”

“I can't keep living a lie,” she said, her heart breaking. Sharp stabbing pieces knifed inside her chest. She'd found the perfect man for her—only his work came first. She understood that, but boy did she want to change it.

“Kat—” Jack began. He reached for her, but Kat backed away. How easy it would be to cave, to say yes, to take him into her arms and whisk him upstairs. She could lose herself in the lovemaking that always made her resplendent and complete. Say yes, and she wouldn't be alone at Christmas, wouldn't be alone on New Year's.

But tonight's wedding revealed that she wanted it all and that she would rather have nothing than settle for something in between that would never provide true fulfillment, something that would always keep her hoping and wishing for more. Jack had dated Julie for five years. Kat was merely a month. She'd chosen the wrong man to love, but part of her wanted to continue blithely along. All she had to do was say yes, let's talk. She'd learned hope was for the naïve and foolish. Time to fully grow up.

“I can't,” she said, and then she turned and fled.

#

Jack stood there in the bone-numbing December cold and watched the lights flicker on one by one in Kat's apartment before he climbed into his car and started the engine. He sat there stunned.
What the hell had happened? Everything had been so amazing and then …

He shivered, the despair building inside of him leaving him dumbfounded and angry. How did that song go, “You don't know what you have until you let it go”?

Emotions he'd long buried roared forward, his internal voice yelling, “You fool. You did it again.”

He'd just watched the future he hadn't known he wanted disappear two flights up, into a two-family building covered with an overdose of Christmas lights. When had the holiday become so disillusioning? When had he simply lost the Christmas spirit? When had he become his own worst enemy?

He'd discovered joy again. He'd found Kat's holiday enthusiasm contagious. For the first time in years, he hadn't dreaded the holidays and his well-meaning but overbearing family. She'd also tempered his cynicism. Her passion for animals was stellar; her love complete. Why hadn't he seen what was right in front of him? She'd thawed that part inside of him he'd kept frozen, kept safe. No guy wanted to be hurt again.

So he'd become a man stuck in his ways. He'd hidden behind a mask—he was too busy with work to date.

Reality had a way of smacking the crap out of a person, Jack thought bitterly. Like an ugly blow upside the head, he'd learned too late. He no longer wanted to play pretend with Kat, but he'd never told her he'd changed his mind and wanted things to be real. He'd only reinforced his lack of commitment in their relationship. He tasted the word, rolled it over his tongue. Found it didn't scare him anymore, not where Kat was concerned. As Cecily had said, when you know, you know.
He loved Kat
.

Sitting in his car, he suddenly knew what he wanted. He'd played house long enough with Julie to know when something wasn't working, but inertia meant he'd simply abided her presence until she'd given him an ultimatum and walked away. Yeah, that made him a lousy guy. Tack on his failures with Kat, and he was batting a thousand in the “I suck” relationship department.

He blasted the heater. He didn't want to go home, not to the bed she'd shared. Not to the Christmas tree he'd purchased the day after the Blues game so he'd have something Christmassy in his apartment when she visited. He had to do something. With a deep, fortifying breath, he knew he needed to man up and go see the one person he needed the most.

“Mom,” he said as he walked back into the reception hall. The party was still in full swing.

“Jack.” Concern laced her face as she rushed over. “How is Kat? The poor dear.”

“She called it off. She and I. We're done.”

Stunned, Joyce dropped into the closest chair, her silvery dress fanning out. “What?”

Jack sat beside her, the black chair covering sliding loose under his legs. “It's my fault. We—I—Oh hell. It wasn't real.”

His mom appeared confused. Eyes so like his blinked rapid fire. “What wasn't real? You and Kat? How can that be?”

“We made it all up.”

“Jack.”

“I know. I'm a heel. A lousy son. I'm …” He raked a hand through his hair.

“She cares for you, and you her. But before you continue, I think your stepfather should hear this too.”

“You're probably right,” Jack agreed. Might as well face it all at once.

She waved Jack's stepfather over, and Jack stretched his legs out as Nelson sat next to his wife. “Tell us what is going on,” Joyce demanded, tone eerily calm. “The whole truth.”

Jack took a deep breath, akin to those he'd taken before confessing he'd been the one who'd broken the lamp or the kitchen window. Those now seemed like cake compared to this.

“I asked Kat to pretend to date me so you'd get off my back about one, a wedding date, and two, my lack of relationships.” He winced. That sounded really bad, and his mother's wounded expression said it all.

“This is my fault?” his mom asked.

“No, mine. One hundred percent,” Jack admitted. “You do like to meddle with relationships, but I should have been honest with you. I know that. Now.” He chewed his lip. “I've botched this with Kat from the very beginning. We did meet when she saved Jingle, but we'd met earlier at the calendar ball and shared a moment and then she was gone. Then I saw her save Jingle and … it went from there. We came up with a scheme. It was a dumb idea.”