A Kiss of Color: A BWWM Interracial Pregnancy Romance (Book 2) (7 page)

But just now,
everything
was complicated – and pretending it wasn’t was taking its toll on her.

At that particular moment, both Susan and Miranda were out of the office for lunch, giving her the run of the space. Helena found herself grateful for the peace and quiet, even as she struggled to overcome the fears that made her stomach churn almost as badly as her morning sickness. She forced herself to start jotting down some of Susan’s afternoon appointments as she clicked through the computer looking for the appropriate paperwork.

God, she missed her father. He would know what to do.

While she was in the midst of organizing a few file folders, her phone buzzed in her pocket. Frowning, Helena withdrew it to see a text from Brandy scrolling across the screen.

Hey Helena! Sorry to bother you at work, but I figure you can use a break just as much as the next person. Probably more. ;) Xavier ditched me for tonight’s dinner. He has a meeting or something. Emily’s meeting with a friend in the area. How about dinner, just us girls?

Her first impulse was to refuse.

She didn’t know if she could pretend to be perfectly fine with Brandy for an entire evening on her own. She’d even started withdrawing from Xavier at home, with the excuse that she might be coming down with the flu – while she figured out precisely what to do.

But maybe…maybe a dinner with Brandy was just what she needed. If she could force herself to forget all her troubles for just one night…maybe tomorrow she’d be refreshed enough to decide to do about the child slowly but steadily growing within her. In the past few years, she’d grown very close with Brandy and found her to be one of the first real girlfriends she’d ever had.

She would try and take advantage of that tonight, she decided. Before she lost her gall, Helena texted back that she would meet Brandy later on that evening at one of her favorite restaurants. She was going to have a good time if it killed her – and she was going to gain the clarity she needed to move on with her life.

When Helena mentioned to Xavier that she was going to meet with Brandy in his stead, he thanked her profusely, even insisting that she go out and get herself pampered for the occasion. His kindness made the young woman smile. Despite her fears about her own capacity as a parent, she could never doubt that Xavier would be a wonderful father. He was kind, caring and attentive. Even though she had never been the kind of woman to splurge on herself, Xavier splurged on her more than enough for the both of them.

Remembering the first time he’d ever taken the liberty of buying her something – a gorgeous white dress that still hung proudly in her closet- she smiled.

And she splurged.

When she got off work, Helena locked her fears in a mental closet at the back of her mind and made her way to a nearby spa for a facial, manicure, and pedicure. While she was receiving her complimentary massage, she imagined herself passing her surgical trials and receiving her MD in two years’ time. She knew that then, wherever her father was, he’d be exceedingly proud of her.

The dark-skinned woman made her way from the spa significantly more relaxed than when she’d entered it and hurried to make it to one of her favorite boutiques before it closed. While Helena had passed the shop several times on her way to and from work, she’d very seldom ventured inside. Now, with Xavier’s blessing, she quickly sifted through racks of breathtaking garments until she found a silken, goldenrod number that she’d been eyeing for weeks.

As was usually difficult for her, Helena ignored the hefty price tag as she purchased the garment before sheepishly asking if she could use the changing room to change into it. When she had somehow managed to tame her hair and switched to a pair of black heels, Helena teetered her way down the block and to her dinner spot.

Brandy was already waiting for her inside, and Helena managed a genuine grin as she apologized for being a few minutes late.

“You look stunning!” Brandy embraced her warmly before drawing back to take in the length of her. The blonde didn’t look shabby herself, clad in a blue sheath with her long, wavy locks pinned in a loose chignon. “Glad I could pull you away from your studies!”

“Well,” Helena shrugged as she took a seat beside the lawyer. “You were right. I needed a breather.” If only she knew
how
right. “Plus, you and I haven’t had any time to ourselves since you got here. I know you’re only going to be in town for another week.”

“Yeah.” Brandy’s expression turned forlorn. “Then it’s back to the daily grind. I mean, I’m sure I’ll be perfectly fine.” She picked up the menu to begin glancing over the entrees and wine list. “It’s Emily I’m worried about.”

Helena arched a brow. Emily seemed perfectly at ease and well-adjusted. Besides, she was twenty one years old and a master cellist. “What worries you, exactly?”

Brandy’s mouth turned downward into a frown. “Well…you have to know that she faces the same stressors I do…the environment that Xavier chose to walk away from. Out of all of us, Emily is the one still most under Mom and Dad’s thumb. It doesn’t matter how far they are away, she’s always obsessed with the idea of pleasing them…or else.”

Brandy’s face spoke volumes on exactly how she felt about that particular fact. Helena knew how the elder woman was constantly pressured by her parents. She was supposed to be a poised, successful socialite and dutiful daughter; and where Xavier had chosen to completely break from what his parents wanted, Brandy held a delicate line of keeping their approval and supporting her brother.

Now, Helena was learning, it seemed their younger sibling had been brainwashed in exactly the fashion the Thompsons wanted. “She’s afraid?” Helena ventured carefully.

“Not afraid.” Brandy sighed. “She accepts it as her lot. I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to discover if she actually likes playing the cello, or if she’s just throwing herself into it because that’s what Mom and Dad expect. I just…I want her to be happy.” Brandy’s eyes glittered with affection when she spoke of her younger sibling. “I hoped that showing her that Xavier’s doing well even without Mom and Dad might influence her to speak up if she’s discontent…but so far, she hasn’t mentioned that she’d being pigeon-holed. Then again…they might have told her not to talk to me before she came out here.” The blonde exhaled a long suffering sigh – one that Helena recognized all too well.

Xavier, too, had expressed to her his concerns that his youngest sister wasn’t pursuing her own dreams. Knowing how he and Brandy had been repressed, he seemed so certain that Emily was a secret victim as well, but neither he nor his sister had been able to prove it.

“Well, is there any possible way she could…actually be happy?” Helena found herself inquiring sheepishly. It wasn’t as if she didn’t believe Brandy – it was simply that she wanted desperately for
someone
to be happy. Someone who didn’t have to fight to be happy with themselves.

Brandy bit her lip, her expression hopeful. “I mean…there could be. We have to keep hopeful right? I’m sure my parents would at least like to have one compliant child.”

The joke drew a small smile from Helena. As far as she was concerned, Garret Thompson and his wife had a very special spot in hell reserved for them for the pressure they’d put on their only son. As much as she hoped the girl was happy, she also hoped Emily was the wild child that would secretly break them.

“Either way, we’ve got one week left, so we’ll have to see how things pan out.” Brandy gestured to the waiter, ordering them a bottle of white wine. The women had long agreed on their shared love for Moscato, and so the idea that a bottle was on the way helped Helena to further relax. “So, what’s going on with you?”

When fixed with Brandy’s bright blue eyes, Helena found herself swallowing thickly. What the hell was she supposed to say now? She’d convinced herself to have this lighthearted evening, but at the very first proper question Brandy asked her, she wanted to bolt.

“Well…I…I’m doing some surgical practices next week. I’ve been studying for them for a while so I suppose I’ll do well…and the move is going pretty well.” In fact, the move wasn’t going as well as she would have hoped because she was having reservations about the space and how they were going to fill it. “Um…I guess there’s not really a whole lot going on with me…just now.”

Jesus. She was lying to Brandy – a woman she’d come to think of as her best friend.

It wasn’t like she had a choice! What was she supposed to do! Just blurt out the fact that she’d been callous, thrown caution to the wind completely and gotten herself knocked up at the worst possible time in her entire life?

“How’s that flu doing?”

Helena swallowed thickly. Honestly, she might as well have the flu. Contemplating all the choices she was currently faced with was enough to make her physically ill. She forced a long-suffering grin. “I’m alright. Another week or so and I’ll probably be fine.”

That was the plan, anyway.

“That’s good to hear.” Brandy seemed genuinely relieved to hear that she was getting better, which didn’t help to assuage the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach at all. “When you’re better, we can celebrate.”

The word made Helena arch a brow. Celebrate? “What will we be celebrating?” The waiter brought their wine to the table, showing them the label with flourish before popping the cork to pour them each a glass. Helena immediately grabbed for hers and made to down it like a lifeline – but before it touched her lips, she stopped.

Would the alcohol hurt the baby?

Not like she was supposed to care. She was getting rid of it, wasn’t she? Then why did she feel slightly sick when she gazed upon the Moscato she knew would help her soothe her troubles?

“Well,” Brandy gave her a secretive smile. “Hank and I have decided that we’re ready to start trying for a baby.”

Helena’s eyes widened as her mouth dropped open slightly. Even as shock lanced through her, she knew she should be supportive. She should be excited and happy – congratulating her friend and helping her pick out baby names. Instead, all she could wonder was how on earth she would be able to do any of those things.

When Helena remained silent, Brandy only looked at her expectantly, her smile fading somewhat. “Helena? Are you alright?”

“I’m…fine.” The dark-skinned woman managed, trying to drum up the wherewithal to display the appropriate response. “I just…I’m surprised. That’s all.”

Brandy laughed lightly, her lips curving upwards comfortably one more. “You? Of all people? I feel like I’ve been drowning you for the past few years with all my talk of wanting a baby. I imagined you, of all people, would be the least surprised!”

That might have been the case –if she hadn’t been contemplating her own pregnancy.

Helena’s gaze centered on Brandy’s exuberant expression and she felt her stomach start to churn. This was all wrong. She should be jumping up and down right alongside her friend. Instead, she felt something dangerously close to envy beginning to well in her gut.

Brandy could afford to have a child. She was successful, as happy as could be expected with her parents as repressive as they were, and she was confident in the knowledge that she would be a good mother. And why wouldn’t she be? Watching Brandy with her younger sister was more than enough to see that she would dote lovingly on a child. She was kind, understanding, and just indulgent enough to make her younger sibling feel loved and appreciated.

Helena, on the other hand, hadn’t the slightest idea about what it would mean to be a dutiful mother. She had a glass of wine in her hand when she was pregnant, for God sakes!

All at once, it seemed as if the weight of the world was pressing down on her shoulders. The Zen that she’d been attempting to cultivate all evening began slowly leeching away and she felt panic and nausea beginning to take its place.

“Helena…you’re looking awfully pale. Are you sure you’re alright?”

Brandy’s concerned expression was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Setting her glass of wine down on the table before her, she rose in a smooth motion, tears gleaming in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Brandy, but I can’t do this right now. I have to go.”

With that, she turned on her heel and fled the restaurant, leaving the shocked blonde staring after her in complete surprise. Helena burst out onto the street, managing to swallow her tears but not the hot moisture that tracked down her cheeks, ruining her artfully applied makeup.

She couldn’t take this anymore. The choice itself was torturing her just as much as the possible happiness that lingered just beyond her reach. She wasn’t like Brandy. She couldn’t rejoice at the prospect of being a mother. Any child she had would, in all probability, end up just as masterfully fucked up as she herself.

As much as she loved Xavier…as much as she
wanted
to have his child, she couldn’t. She wouldn’t risk it.

Which was why she was going to call the nearest clinic first thing tomorrow morning, and end this nightmare.

End her child.

The thought made a fresh wave of tears spill down her cheeks.

Heaven help her
.

Chapter Four:
Irreconcilable Differences

God, he was exhausted.