A House of Cards: Deconstructing Ethan (23 page)

I don’t think I’d ever hated myself more than I did in that moment.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now, Ethan. I love you, but I don’t really like you right now,” she twisted out of Jayden’s arms and ran up the stairs, sobbing as she reached the landing on the second floor. Jayden followed quickly behind her and I hoped he would be able to comfort her.

I thought about calling Gabriel, but found that I just didn’t have the heart. Lexi was right about me. Everything that she had been holding back in order to not hurt me came flooding over me in that moment. I couldn’t sit and talk to Gabriel knowing that tomorrow night I could very well be alone. Jayden and I would talk, Lexi and I would talk and Gabriel and I would talk – and each one of them had every reason to walk away from me.

They should.

I caused nothing but devastation and pain to everyone that came into contact with me. My parents, Jayden, Lexi and Gabriel – maybe they’d all just be better off if I went back to Washington alone.

I sat down at the table with my head in my hands.

Chapter 13

“We can drive over to my building and walk from the garage,” Jayden suggested pensively in an attempt to keep things light. After they had gone to bed last night, I had sat up thinking until the early hours of the morning. I hadn’t been able to sleep. All I did was replay in my mind the shocked and wounded expression on Lexi’s face, over and over. She had been there for me for a very long time, not once had she ever done anything to earn my behavior toward her the night before.

The short ride over to the garage was silent. Jayden didn’t even turn on the radio as he sat in the front seat with Lexi, lightly holding her hand. Again, I was struck by a strong, unnerving wave of loneliness at their casual affection. I decided that I couldn’t stand the silence anymore.

“Lexi?” I asked hesitantly, not sure exactly how I wanted to continue.

“Yes, Ethan?” she replied in an uninviting tone.

“I….umm…” I started. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for doubting her, that she was still my best friend, but I couldn’t. So I switched topics quickly. “I got you a custom frame for your Masters’ diploma. I’ve arranged with the school to send it to the framer. You should have it in about twelve weeks.” She turned all the way around in her seat to look at me. The expression on her face told me that she thought I’d lost my mind.

“Thank you. That was very thoughtful,” she said quietly before turning back around in the seat. The rest of the trip was met with silence. When we pulled into the garage, I noticed Jayden watching me in the mirror, but he didn’t say anything.

After Jayden pulled the car into a space, I got out next to Lexi. Closing the door, I turned to move so that she could walk past me, but she grabbed my hand and I turned to face her. Too ashamed to meet her eye, I was looking at the ground. Suddenly, she wrapped her arms around my waist and put her head on my chest.

“I’m sorry that I yelled at you,” she mumbled into my shirt, pulled back and tilted her chin up so that she was looking at me.

“You have no reason to be sorry, Lexi. You were absolutely right. I am the one that is sorry. Can you forgive me?” I asked her gently. She stood on tiptoe and kissed my cheek.

“Of course I forgive you,” she said, a smile playing across her lips.

“Thank you, my Lexi,” I said softly into her ear before I caught myself. “Well, I guess I can’t exactly call you „my Lexi’ anymore now, can I?” I chuckled. She put her head on my chest again.

“You were my first Dom, Ethan. In a way, I’ll always be your Lexi,” she whispered while I held her tightly. When she pulled away, Jayden walked over and put his arms around me.

“I’m sorry, Ethan,” he apologized solemnly. I thought back to his voicemails when he had said that he was the one causing me pain, but by the look on his face, I knew that he was taking the pain on himself. I just hoped that after our talk that night, some of his pain would be gone.

“You have forgiven me for my mistakes, Jayden. I forgive you for yours,” I said softly and turned my head to kiss his neck tenderly. Lexi put her arm around me and I saw her put the other around Jayden. We stood there, in the parking garage, just holding each other for a long moment.

“Okay then,” I said, clearing my throat. “Before we start to sing Cumbaya, let’s go see this exhibit.” Jayden and Lexi laughed, the somber mood was broken. We came out of the garage, on to Michigan Avenue, just a few blocks from the Art Institute. We talked for the rest of the walk about where we would go to dinner later. Then, just as we reached the light to cross over Michigan Avenue, Lexi’s cell phone rang.

“Oh! That must be Nicole calling with an update on your house. She called last night and said she had to hire a new caretaker,” Lexi explained, as she pulled out her cell phone. She hit the button to answer as she stepped off the curb to cross. The scream that was ripped from my throat was drowned out by the sound of screeching tires as the cab driver saw her, but he wasn’t fast enough. Jayden and I watched in horrifying slow motion as Lexi’s legs were struck by the front of the cab, her head crashing into the hood, before she rebounded and slumped to the ground. I was already in motion, but was unable to prevent her head from slamming into the pavement. I got to her within seconds and after the first sob escaped, my medical training finally kicked in. I began to assess her and my heart clenched when I realized how injured she was.

“Jayden!” I called to him over the screams and panicked cries of the crowd. He stood frozen, a look of horror on his face, as Lexi’s blood began to spread over the top of her pink tee shirt. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a police officer on his radio and prayed he was calling for help.

“JAYDEN!” I desperately screamed again. He looked down into my face and the anguish in his eyes nearly took my breath away. “I NEED YOU!” Finally, he processed what I was saying and ran to Lexi’s other side. He fell to his knees and removed his jacket. He laid it over her chest and arms, covering her extremities, which were already starting to lose their warmth.

“Lexi, baby, can you hear me?” he cried, his voice cracking. To my surprise, Lexi opened her eyes.

“Jayden, apply pressure to the wound on her leg. Use this.” I instructed, pulling off my sweatshirt. Throwing it at him, I removed my t-shirt as well, using it to apply pressure to her head wound. I knew at least one of her legs was broken, but my main concerns were her head contusions and the bleeding. I pushed sticky, matted hair out of her eyes and saw both pupils appeared to be reactive to the light. I wished for my medical bag.

“Can you hear me, Lexi?” I asked her as the flashing lights of the ambulance washed across her pale face. The cop had been the one to call for help, allowing the ambulance to arrive much faster than they would have normally, giving her at least a fighting chance.

“Jayden…” she said, so weakly, I almost didn’t hear her over the noise of the crowd and street traffic.

“He’s right here, honey.” I told her and Jayden leaned over so she could see his face.

“I’m here, darlin’,” he sobbed and took her hand.

“Love you,” she whispered and smiled up at him.

“Don’t you do that!” he growled at her, “Don’t you say goodbye to me. I love you too and you are going to be fine.”

He looked up at me, but I had no reassurances for him. Reading that in my face, he paled even further. Her survival depended on how badly her internal injuries were.

The crowd parted, with the help of the officer and the paramedics coming through with a stretcher. After telling them that I was a doctor, I gave them all of the pertinent facts I had, as they began to stabilize her as best as they could on scene. She was pale and bleeding heavily from her head and legs. I wished they could give her something for the pain, but she needed to be properly assessed first. My heart broke seeing the tears on her blood streaked face.

“Come on, doc, you can ride with us,” one of the paramedics said to me. I shook my head and pushed Jayden forward. If she coded on route, I wanted her to be with the one she loved. Then my heart clenched – if she coded on route. She couldn’t code. „Please’, I thought desperately.

“He rides,” I told him and he pulled Jayden along into the bus. I caught one last look at Jayden’s pale, frightened face as they closed the doors.

“Northwestern?” The cop asked from next to me and handed me a Chicago PD t-shirt, before throwing a gym bag into the back seat. I thanked him and started looking around for a cab. “Come on, man, I’ll take you over there. You did a good thing here. We’ll follow the rig,” he offered, letting me to climb into the front of the cruiser.

We pulled into the ambulance bay just seconds after they had unloaded Lexi. A shell-shocked Jayden standing off to the side, watching as they pushed her through the doors. He looked so lost, my heart ached for him. My heart ached for me too. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing Lexi. I grabbed Jayden by the arm and we made our way into the ER waiting room and I got Jayden seated before going to find an ER doctor. Wanting to do what I could to help, I wanted to provide Lexi’s medical history. Afterwards, I went back to the waiting room to find Jayden out in the garden on his cell phone talking to Kimberly.

* * *

“Ethan, it’s been two hours,” Kimberly said from the couch next to Jayden. She was being very quiet and kind, for which I was thankful. Jayden was holding his head in his hands and she rubbed his back absently. “Shouldn’t they have come out and said something by now?”

“They’re trying to stabilize her. Their priority is her, not us. When they can, they will…” I started, but was cut off by the sound of my name.

“Dr. Bryant?” A voice asked from near the door. Jayden and I launched out of chairs. Jayden’s face was pale, almost haunted, as he waited anxiously for news of Lexi. Her blood still stained his clothes, like some ghoulish reminder of how precarious the situation was. I reminded myself to ask Kimberly to go to the house once we had some idea how Lexi was.

“I’m Dr. Bryant,” I told the nurse and she asked me to follow her. Lexi’s doctor wanted to speak to me. I heard Kimberly in the background asking why the hell it was me they wanted to talk to, guess I was still listed in Lexi’s medical file as her medical proxy. We were led into an open room where Lexi lay in the center on a gurney, bloody gauze littered the floor, machines surrounded her, each one recording her vitals or providing fluids. They had stopped the bleeding and she had undergone intubation. Jayden gasped when he saw her and I felt him shaking beside me.

“She has an epidural hematoma,” the doctor announced gravely and my chest tightened. “We need to stop the bleeding and get it drained to relieve the pressure. Also, we need to determine the extent of the damage. When we come out, we will know much more about her condition and her chance of survival.”

“So, she has to have surgery in order to relieve the pressure?” Jayden asked me in a frightened voice and I nodded. “Is she going to be okay?” I couldn’t lie, it would give him false hope. After seeing the scans, I knew her chances weren’t good, but I couldn’t say it out loud, so I shook my head. Choking out a sob, he nodded. They came to tell us that they were ready to take her to surgery and I would be allowed to see her in recovery. I expected Jayden to protest, but he just wanted to do what was best for Lexi and he remained quiet.

He left to go back out to the waiting room, looking like a caged animal finally able to escape. Jayden’s shoulders were hunched, like an unbearable weight was trying to force him to bend. I knew that he wanted to tell his sister what was happening, just to get away from his crushing grief, even just for a moment. I stayed with Lexi, stroking her hair, knowing they would shave it when they got her up to surgery. Although if it saved her life, I doubted that she’d mind.

“I don’t know if you can hear me, but before you go in there, I want to tell you that I love you Lexi. You’re my best friend and I don’t know that I can live without you. Please, please come back to us. You know it will kill him. You can’t do that to him. Please, Lexi.” I whispered and felt a tear fall down my cheek. It wasn’t fair that it had to be her, it should be me lying in that bed. She was sweet and kind and thoughtful. I was the monster.

The orderlies came in with a few nurses and they took Lexi out of the room. Taking a deep breath to steady myself, I headed back to Jayden. I had to be strong for her, for him.

I had to be strong for me.

* * *

The surgery to reduce the swelling in Lexi’s brain took six long hours. Jayden was frantic by the time the surgeon came out to talk to us. He looked at us for a long time before telling us that the surgery had been partially successful. The swelling had gone down, but they were unable to repair some of the damage. They had hoped for a better result. He said that we could come up to see her when she was out of recovery and then he pulled me off to the side.

“We were unable to repair the epidural hematoma and she bled out. She has a hernia of the brain through the bottom of the skull, which injured the brain stem. She is unable to breathe on her own. We will be performing a blood flow analysis in the morning to determine the next course of action,” he informed me.

I let out a breath and nodded. It was about as bad as it could be and I held out little hope that she would survive. I didn’t know what to tell Jayden.

I went up to her room and found him sitting in a chair next to her bed. Wearing the oversized sweatshirt, evidently one that belonged to Josh, he looked so tired and somehow younger than when I’d seen him just a few minutes ago. A lost little boy is what he reminded me of and it almost hurt just to look at him, knowing that I was going to have to devastate him further. He didn’t look up when I came in, but instead just sat holding her hand. His head rested on their entwined hands and I barely resisted the urge to wrap my arms around him. The scene was so heart-wrenching that I was almost unable to break the silence. Unfortunately, I had to.