A Heart for Freedom (43 page)

If we have received this gift of grace, Dr. Keller continued, which is both indispensable and infinitely costly, on what basis do we look down our noses at others for the sins or wrongs they have committed?

Bob said it took the full length of Dr. Keller’s sermon for the message to sink in, but by the end he realized he had been looking down at me for the events of my past. He said, “Tim Keller made me realize I did not understand grace. If I did, I would never have judged anything you did. Now I understand that I am just as guilty as anyone else who has ever done wrong, and I am only made righteous by Jesus—so there’s no room for judgment, pride, or boasting. That’s why the thief on the cross next to Jesus could be saved at the last minute and it’s completely fair to others who have faithfully followed Jesus all their lives. I will do my best not to judge anyone else, remembering that I am saved by God’s grace, as are we all. And I will support any decision you make about sharing even the most personal and private portions of your story.”

How beautiful God is! He hears our prayers and answers them. He brought unity into my marriage in a powerful way, and he also prepared Bob and me for the road ahead.

* * *

I decided to move forward in telling my story because I believe this is how God wants me to share the good news about his healing and his love. When you consider that 86 percent of all Chinese women have had at least one abortion and 52 percent have had two or more, and when more than 40 percent of American women will have an abortion by the age of forty-five, it’s clear that hundreds of millions of women are victims of abortion, along with their babies.

I feel heartbroken for women like Wujian, who wanted to be a mother but watched her baby killed and then became a scorned woman, discarded to the lowest levels of Chinese society. I feel compassion for the millions of young women in China who have suffered the same fate I did and are still suffering in silence today. I understand the shattered innocence, the deeply held hurts and shame. I understand crying out for help, yet potentially being betrayed by friends or being marked for ongoing abuse, despair, and violence, both verbal and physical. I was once that girl with the IV in one hand and the other hand covering her face.

I feel compassion for all the American women who live in outward freedom yet are held hostage by the devil for their past. You see, the picture of that young woman in the recovery room is not just a picture of a Chinese girl; it’s a picture of every woman who has gone through an abortion and now suffers in silence.

A woman on my staff who read a draft of the manuscript had a great insight. She said, “The biggest villain here is shame. It was shame that led to those abortions. But the victory is to bring all things to light, to not let shame have its way in the darkness.” That’s powerful. I had never thought of it that way.

I have been set free by God’s love, and that’s the freedom I want to share. God is doing great things to bring freedom to every woman in bondage to her past. By sharing my stories openly, I hope to create an environment in which all women can feel safe to talk openly about their experiences, without fear of judgment and condemnation, and to be embraced by God’s love, acceptance, and delight. “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10,
ESV
). Only when we expose the truth about our past experiences can we bring life, value, and dignity to every child, girl, woman, and mother.

If you see yourself in what I’ve shared, I want you to know that no matter how dark your world may seem, there is one who stands nearby in love and patience, with respect and honor for you. That person is Jesus. He is waiting to save you from your darkness and shame; to give you “a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair” (Isaiah 61:3).

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The Face of Jesus

In the twenty-first century, America will have no relationship more important than its relationship with China. Our leaders must have their eyes wide open and know whom they’re dealing with as they build this partnership. The best way to protect America is to help transform China into a peaceful and benevolent society. Respect for basic human rights, the freedom to worship, rule of law, and free media are all part of that necessary transformation. Still, the true transformation of China will not be political or social; it will be a reformation of the heart. The next revolution will not be fought in the streets; it will be won within each individual. As I’ve learned through my own experience, when we’re confronted by the evil inside us and have to ask Jesus to cleanse us so we can receive his grace and forgiveness, then we can truly heal and move on. The same is true for a nation.

Spiritually, there is a great hunger for the gospel in China. Ten percent of the population has come to Jesus over the past sixty years, under the threat of persecution. A friend who recently visited Beijing said, “The Holy Spirit is working overtime in China.” In 1983, when I started at Beida, people had to talk in whispers about secret gatherings in the countryside to worship God. Today, at that same university alone, more than two hundred Bible study groups meet on campus, and an official class on Jesus is offered to seven hundred students.

The Chinese government seems to recognize this spiritual hunger. They even erected a giant statue of Confucius in Tiananmen Square in January 2011. But their efforts to find something to hold the country together will inevitably be undermined by the massive amount of corruption, violence, and crime that results from the people’s lack of a transformative belief system.

* * *

Even as the spiritual awakening continues, little progress has been made toward democracy. Hu Yaobang, whose death triggered the Tiananmen movement, wanted China to have three reforms: political, economic, and spiritual. Zhao Ziyang, who was dismissed for not approving the massacre, agreed with the first two. But Deng Xiaoping, the leader who ordered the massacre, wanted only one reform—economic reform—and that is what China has had for the past twenty-two years.

Still, as the nation emerges on the world economic scene, the fruits of prosperity are not widely distributed. Five thousand Chinese families control much of the nation’s wealth, political power, and military force. There is a growing middle class—certainly more than before 1989—and their lives may be getting better; but for the have-nots in China, the story only gets worse. An estimated 468 million Chinese live on less than two dollars a day.
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They are forgotten under the shadow of the wealthy few.

I now believe that transforming China into a Jesus-following nation is the key to open democracy in that country. Spiritual reform will be the foundation for the rest of the reforms. Even though the Chinese government may appear bigger and more powerful, and they are continuing to persecute dissidents and faithful Jesus-followers, I feel a strong sense of hope, peace, and joy. I feel victory and freedom are near. For the oppressors, there is hope for them to repent and find true freedom and peace.

In God’s timing and in God’s way, we will finish the unfinished work we started at Tiananmen, to bring freedom and salvation to China. This time, a new chapter of China’s history will be written. Greater things are yet to come. My role today is to help save the hundreds of millions of Chinese women, girls, and unborn children currently under siege from the one-child policy. God wants us to give the oppressed—women, girls, children, the poor, and the weak—a sense of hope, to assure them that Jesus loves them and will never leave them or forsake them, and to let them know that Jesus is preparing a beautiful future for them, as he has done for me.

Recently, God spoke to my heart again and asked me to share the good news about Jesus with men and boys in China as well—to change their hearts of stone into hearts of flesh.

* * *

Each night I read a chapter of the Bible with my children. One night, as we read Exodus 3, which picks up the story of Moses after he killed the Egyptian and had to flee to the desert of Midian, I felt God finally answered my long-standing question: Why had we not succeeded at Tiananmen? I could see that just as Moses had tried to bring about justice for his oppressed countrymen by taking matters into his own hands, we had tried to bring freedom and justice to China in our own strength and wisdom. Only later, when Moses was called by God at the burning bush and stepped out in faith and joined God’s movement, was he able to lead and free the nation of Israel.

The Tiananmen event was a milestone in God’s redemptive plan for China. He allowed evil to happen—the massacre—to kill our belief in the Communist system. This revelation brought an end to my search for an answer to the question I asked during the last hours of the protest: Why do they have to kill us when all we wanted was a dialogue? I believe that God allowed the leaders to harden their hearts, just as he hardened Pharaoh’s heart in the time of Moses, so he could reveal the true nature of Communism and kill the false belief and hope the people had in it. God used the massacre to work toward his plan for China.

I remember the moment I was set free from the survivor’s guilt I had carried since Tiananmen. Shortly after the twentieth anniversary of the massacre, I decided to confront the past, no matter how painful it might be. I picked up a book called
The Tiananmen Papers
, which is a compilation of internal Chinese government documents and other official documents about the events at Tiananmen in 1989. In a transcript from June 3, President Yang Shangkun says, “We must do everything we possibly can to avoid bloodshed. . . . And let me repeat: No bloodshed within Tiananmen Square—period. What if thousands of students refuse to leave? Then the troops carry away thousands of students on their backs! No one must die in the Square. This is not just my personal view; it is Comrade Xiaoping’s view, too.”
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When I read those words, a chill went down my spine. On the one hand, I was grateful the government had intended to protect the lives of the students. On the other hand, it was now clear the army had decided where and when to kill. Still, I felt the weight of guilt lift from my shoulders. All these years, the truth had been hidden from me and from those who were misled about the massacre. I could now relate to the story of Simba in
The Lion King
, who thought he was responsible for his father’s death and did everything he could to run away from the past. But once he learned the truth, he became victorious and brought freedom to his homeland. Now I know that the truth is in Jesus, and he will lead China to freedom.

* * *

God used the Tiananmen events to save me and free me. He used everything that happened afterward to break my dependence on friends, comrades, connections, the media, the public, the legal system, and law enforcement so I could see I’m completely helpless unless I trust and rely only on him. When I thought I was giving my life to Jesus so he would save China, little did I know that the first ones saved would be me and my family.

I no longer live in fear, for I know that God almighty is holding my right hand and watching over me, and my true big brother, Jesus, will be with me until the very end. Even better, it is no longer my battle to fight or to win—it’s
his
. All I have to do is take up my position, stand firm, and watch for God’s deliverance.

History will remember the 1989 Tiananmen movement as one vital step forward in China’s century-long struggle for true freedom. Beginning with the Boxer Rebellion, China has been through chaos: the warlord era, civil war, the Japanese invasion, the War of Liberation, Communism, the Great Leap Forward, the Cultural Revolution, and the April Fifth Movement to end the rule of the Gang of Four. Then in 1989 came the largest people’s movement of the twentieth century. It will not be the last one. I believe greater things will come, and China will be set free.

* * *

As I finished my review of the edited manuscript, I knew there was still something missing, something without which the book would not be complete. I prayed that God would show me what that was.

On May 9, 2011, he did.

When I opened my e-mail that day, I was surprised to find a message from a long-lost friend and colleague, Li Lanju. She was a Christian student from Hong Kong who was with us at Tiananmen Square in 1989. She had sent me a journal entry she had written in 1999.

On the night of the killings, Li was on the east side of Tiananmen Square, with several other Hong Kong students and Beijing citizens, standing shoulder to shoulder against the army troops. The soldiers on the front line did not open fire, she said, but the ones behind them did. All of a sudden, screams and cries of anguish rose from the crowd behind her. A young boy cried out, “They killed my big brother, they killed my big brother. I am going to fight them, I am going to fight them.” She grabbed the boy and held him with all her strength as they cried together. Eventually she was pushed onto a bus and told by the Beijing citizens, “Go back to Hong Kong and tell the world what happened here.”

That’s what she has been doing for the past twenty years. But like me she has seen the change in people’s attitudes, from passion and outrage to coldness, withdrawal, and indifference. And some have even blamed her for the people who were killed. It’s lonely to be a survivor and a fighter when the rest of the world wants to put the past behind them and get on with business.

Over and over throughout the years, she asked God, “Where were you on the day of the massacre? Where were you when all those people were gunned down?”