A Good Enough Reason (17 page)

“Whatever happened.”

“Nothing happened.”

“Can we cut the
men don’t talk about feelings crap
for a while?”

“I never said feelings were involved.”

“Of course they are. You’re too quiet, and you haven’t updated your latest fanfic on the website. You only skip that when you’re feeling especially low.”

Right now, Ellis was feeling kind of sorry Matt knew him so well. Because he was right, of course. The only times Ellis hadn’t updated his stories had happened when Matt had moved and when Ellis’s grandma had passed away the year before. Not even Mark’s bullying stopped him from writing. “It’s complicated.”

“It always is.”

“And I can’t do anything to change… stuff. Just wait. And it sucks.”

“Okay, so you can tell me while you wait.”

“I went to a party a few weeks ago—”

“Wait, what?
You
went to a party? Who managed to drag you there?”

“You want to know what happened or not?” Ellis snapped, only to regret it right away. Matt was only trying to help. “Gosh, sorry. I’m a bit on edge right now.”

Matt shushed him. “It’s fine. You didn’t hurt my feelings. I’m used to Pissy Ellis when you’re feeling down. Now come on, tell me. I swear I’ll keep my mouth shut until you’re done.”

“It was a party to celebrate the soccer team’s win. I went with Dale, but Seth was there too.”

“Okay.”

“He kissed me.” It stumbled from Ellis’s mouth before he was able to stop it.

“Who? Seth?”

“No! Dale. I mean Dale. He kissed me.”

“Dale kissed you. We’re still talking about Dale Stephens, right?”

“Of course, dumbass. He’s still the only Dale I know.”

“But he’s straight. And he has a girlfriend.”

“I’m not too sure about the straight thing anymore, but yeah, he’s still with Stephanie as far as I know.”

“Maybe he’s experimenting. Wait, was he drunk? You said it was a party.”

“He wasn’t drunk, and I have no idea what to make of it.”

“Is this what’s got your panties in a bunch?”

“Yeah, in part. I tried to talk to him, to tell him it didn’t matter and we could forget about it, but he told me to leave him alone, and he’s been avoiding me since then.”

“Maybe he’s scared you’ll tell everyone, or he’s ashamed. Or confused. Maybe he never realized he was gay, and now that he kissed you, he has to think about it. Or maybe he really just wondered how kissing a guy would feel, and he didn’t like it.”

Ellis groaned. “You’re not helping, Matt. Seth said he was going to talk to Dale, but….”

“What do
you
think about all this, El? We’ve only talked about Dale, but he was kissing you after all.”

“I’m confused, mostly. And sorry he kissed me because it’s making things awkward and hard and uncomfortable, and I don’t want to lose him. He’s a good friend, at least when he talks to me.”

“Why are you confused?”

Ellis moved the phone from one hand to the other. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“Umm, no. I’m not in your head, and it’s hard to guess when I can’t even see your face. I get why you want to know what he’s going to decide, but it’s not like you like him, right?”

“Well….”

“Ellis! You like him, and you didn’t tell me?”

“Hey, I did! Remember the time when we talked about what happened at Dale’s house?”

“I remember you saying you maybe kind of liked him, not that it was a sure thing!”

“Yeah, well, it’s a sure thing now. Not that it changes anything. I don’t think I have a chance with him.”

“You don’t know that, not for sure. It could be the reason why he reacted so strongly to kissing you.”

“Didn’t you think it was because he didn’t like it?”

“Yeah, right. First he jacks off watching you doing the same; then he kisses you. I’d say there’s a good possibility he wants something from you, and I’m not talking about friendship.”

Ellis blushed at Matt’s words. “Maybe.”

“You just have to wait until he thinks it over and makes a decision.”

“You make it sound so easy. I have to work with him, and it’s not going to be fun if he doesn’t even look at me.”

“You don’t have a choice, unless you want to kidnap him and tie him to your bed. Besides, I know you. You won’t want to have anything to do with him until he makes a decision rather than ignoring the whole thing. I don’t know why you thought you could.”

“Because I’d rather forget about it if it makes him act like this.”

“Do you think he’s going to break up with his girlfriend?”

“Even if he does, and I’m not saying I think he will, nothing says he’ll want to be with me. I don’t think he’ll want to come out.”

“If he’s gay.”

“Yeah, or bi, or whatever.”

“Not that you want to come out anyway, so it won’t be a problem, huh?”

“I came out to Dale.”

Matt huffed. “Yeah, but not even your family knows for sure, and no one in school but Anna knows.”

“Mark probably does.”

“You told him?”

“No! Are you crazy?
Oh, Mark, guess what? You were right, I’m gay. Now I’ve given you a sure reason to bully me, so go ahead.
Yeah, that would have gone down well.”

“Then he doesn’t know. He’s doing what every bully does. He’s guessing. He’d pick on you for your weight or your skin color if you were different.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

They fell silent. Ellis’s mind kept going back to the kiss and to Dale. He couldn’t help but wonder if he’d lost one of the few friends he had, if Dale really felt something for him or if it was only an experiment for him. He was getting better, though. He’d stopped thinking about Dale as often as before.

“Anyway,” Matt said with a sigh. “Since we can’t do much more, tell me. How does Dale Stephens kiss?”

Chapter Nine

DALE STOPPED
the car in front of Stephanie’s house. He adjusted his shirt collar, then checked his hair in the mirror before straightening his jacket. He couldn’t really lose more time, though, so he got out and locked the car.

Stephanie wasn’t the first girl Dale would break up with, but it was definitely the first time he’d do it because he’d fallen in something, whatever it was, with a guy. Not that he’d tell Stephanie, but it added a layer of guilt to what he was already feeling, and it wasn’t making things easier. He didn’t even know if Ellis would want to talk to him after what he’d done to him, let alone want to be with him. It felt weird to think of Ellis as his boyfriend, but not because of Ellis. It was that word—boyfriend. Not something Dale had ever thought about another guy.

“Dale? Are you coming in?”

Stephanie’s voice startled Dale out of his thoughts. He looked up at the front door, where she was huddling, trying to avoid getting too cold. She was smiling at him. The happiness she felt at seeing him was obvious, and it made Dale feel guilty as hell, and not only because of Ellis. Dale wished he could’ve fallen in love with Stephanie because she deserved it. She was a great girl—just not the right one for Dale.

He hurried to the door and gave Stephanie a tight smile. She smiled back and leaned into him to kiss him, but Dale turned his face, and her lips pressed against his cheek rather than his lips. She looked a bit startled, but she didn’t say anything. She let him pass by her and enter the house before closing the door behind him.

“My brother is playing upstairs in his room, but we should be okay in the living room. I don’t think he’ll come down. Just, my mom will be back soon.” Stephanie bit her lower lip and looked down.

Dale’s heart squeezed. “It’s fine,” he said softly. “I just need to tell you something.”

“Okay.”

Dale followed Stephanie into the living room. He’d already been there earlier in the year, soon after Stephanie and him had gotten together. He’d met her parents before taking Steph out on their first date.

She sat on the couch, probably thinking they would sit together, but Dale chose the armchair in front of her instead. He didn’t particularly want to see her reaction, but he also couldn’t sit next to her, not when she still thought they were a couple.

Dale opened his mouth to tell her he wanted to break up with her, but the words didn’t want to come out. He pushed them out anyway. “I, well, I don’t know how to say this, to be honest.”

“Just say it, Dale.”

“Okay, right. I like you, Steph, really, but….” Dale took a deep breath. “I don’t think this is going anywhere. I mean, we’re not going anywhere as a couple.” Dale winced. He’d managed to make it sound even worse than it was, so he hurriedly continued. “We’ll go to different colleges once we graduate, and we’ll break up anyway. I don’t want to hurt you, so maybe it’s better to… to do it now. Break up, I mean.”

Dale peeked at Stephanie. She sat still, her gaze on her hands, her dark hair falling in front of her face and partially hiding it. “You’re breaking up with me?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m sorry. I like you, but not as much as I should. Not like I should, and you deserve someone who’ll fall in love with you. You’re a great friend, but I don’t have… romantic… feelings for you.”

Dale watched as Stephanie finally looked at him. A tear rolled down her cheek, and he wanted to kick himself for hurting her, even if he knew it’d been inevitable. “I’m sorry,” he said again, because he didn’t know what else to say.

Stephanie wiped the tear with her hand. “It’s okay. I guess you’re right, better to do it now than later, especially if you don’t love me.”

Dale cringed at the word love. He didn’t love Stephanie, and while she’d never told him she loved him, he knew it was a possibility. At the very least, she really liked him, and it made him feel like a dick. “So, uh, I’m going to go. Will you be okay?”

Stephanie laughed, and Dale looked at her with wide eyes. “Yeah, I will, don’t worry. It’s not the end of the world, and I already knew we wouldn’t survive college. It ended sooner than I thought it would, and it hurts, but I’ll be fine. Just, don’t expect me to be friendly with you for a while.”

“I’m sorry.” Jeez, Dale couldn’t seem to say anything else. At least it made Stephanie smile.

“Me too, but it’s okay. I’ll be fine.”

Dale looked at the carpet, then at the flowers on the coffee table. He stood up suddenly and straightened his jacket. “I need to go.”

Stephanie stood up too. “Yeah, okay.”

Dale followed her to the door and walked out when she opened it. He lingered outside the door, unsure about what to do. Kissing Steph was out of the question, but shaking her hand or anything similar sounded stupid.

Dale finally patted her arm a bit awkwardly. “So, see you in school?”

“Yeah. Bye, Dale.”

“Bye.”

Once Dale had turned and started walking away, he felt the insane urge to run. He heard the door close and hurried to his car as fast as he could without sprinting, finally breathing easier. He jumped inside and let his head fall back against the seat, briefly closing his eyes. He knew he had to drive away before Stephanie’s mom came back and saw him. She’d try to invite him inside, and Dale would have to explain why he couldn’t. Besides, Dale had someone else he had to talk to.

His stomach was in knots as Dale started the car and headed toward Ellis’s house.

ELLIS SCRATCHED
his head with his pen and reread the last few sentences he’d written. He probably should have used his laptop, but pen and paper calmed and focused him. He needed that at the moment.

“El? Dale is here!” Ellis’s father yelled from downstairs.

Ellis’s eyes widened at the words. “Who?” he yelled back, sure he’d heard it wrong.

“Dale! I’m putting him in the living room. Is that okay?”

Ellis jumped from the bed. “Yes! I’m coming down now!”

Ellis threw his pen on his desk and hurried downstairs. He breezed by the kitchen without looking his father’s way, and sure enough, Dale was sitting on the couch.

He looked uncomfortable to say the least. He was wringing his fingers together and bouncing his leg up and down. His eyes were down, but he looked up as soon as Ellis stepped in the room.

“Oh, hi.”

“Hi,” Ellis answered, unsure of what to do or say. He was scared Dale would run the other way, like he’d done when they’d kissed, if he said something wrong or pushed him too hard. He sat on the couch next to Dale but immediately changed his mind. It was obvious they were going to talk, and he didn’t want to do it in the living room where anyone could walk in at any time.

He rose from the couch. “Do you want to go up in my room?”

Dale nodded, and Ellis led him upstairs, stopping only to briefly talk to his father. “Dad, we’re going upstairs.”

His father looked up from the bowl of whatever he was mixing for dinner. “Fine with me. Dale, are you staying for dinner?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Dale glanced at Ellis, and Ellis realized he was silently asking him if he could say yes.

“Yeah, he’ll stay, even though I’m sure he’s going to regret it. What are you cooking, Dad?”

“Surprise.”

“Surprise? The last time you decided to surprise us, I thought I had food poisoning.”

“This’ll be good, you’ll see.”

“Sure. Anyway, we’re going.”

“I’ll call you when it’s time to set the table.”

“Okay.”

Ellis and Dale stayed quiet until they got to Ellis’s room. He closed the door and watched Dale. He was standing in the middle of the room, still uncomfortable. “Do you want to take your jacket off?”

Dale took it off and put it on the chair in front of the desk. It was the first time Ellis had seen Dale in a dress shirt, and he looked nice.

Ellis put his notebook away and sat on the bed. “So, what do you want?” He was a bit wary to hear the answer to his question. While he hoped Dale was there to clear stuff between them, he couldn’t bring himself to believe that.

“To talk to you.”

“I’m all ears.”

Dale chuckled. “You’re not going to make it easy for me, huh?”

“You didn’t for me.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Dale sat next to Ellis, close enough that Ellis only had to reach a bit to the side if he wanted to touch him. His hands itched to do it, so he twined his fingers together on his lap.