A French Affair (6 page)

Now, as Jessica pushed back the sheet and slipped soundlessly out of bed, she was still finding it hard to shake the horror of the hours and days that had followed that terrible scene with her mother. And it hadn't been the only one, for there had been plenty more as Jessica had struggled to get to the truth of what had happened, forcing her mother to go over and over it, needing to know every single detail, no matter how difficult it was to hear. Veronica had never deviated from her story, but Jessica had seen the panic that kept coming into her eyes, and heard the fear in her voice. It didn't matter that the police and everyone else believed her, Jessica had known there was more to it, but it seemed nothing would drag it out of Veronica. In the end, half-mad with despair, Jessica had told her to get out of her life and never come back until she was ready to tell the truth.

The day after Veronica had left the tiny hamlet of Valennes the press had arrived, flocking in to cover the tragedy that had befallen one of Britain's best-known couples. Even the children had been unable to go out without being photographed or having questions thrown at them, so in the end Luc and Lilian had taken them to Luc's sister's, where their privacy was restored. Jessica would always be grateful to Luc and Lilian for the way they'd stepped in then, since she'd been so beside herself with grief it had been almost impossible for her to deal with Nikki and Harry herself.

Worst of all though, during those nightmare days – worse than anything she'd ever experienced in her life – was the morning Charlie had taken her to see their little girl laid out in her coffin. Even to picture it now unsteadied her, for Natalie had looked so perfect. Not broken at all, or even bruised. Just as if she were sleeping.

Struggling to push the image away, Jessica wrapped a robe around her and started quietly down the stairs. Her and Charlie's bedroom was on the first floor, along with two guest rooms, while the children's rooms were all on the top level. There were no sounds coming from up there, but as she stepped into the wide marble entrance hall down below she realised that someone was either in the den, or had gone to bed forgetting to turn off the TV.

Finding Nikki huddled into the corner of one of the sofas watching a pop channel with the sound down low, she said, ‘Are you OK? What are you doing down here?'

Keeping her eyes on the screen, Nikki said, ‘I couldn't sleep and Harry's in my bed – and since you won't allow him to have his own TV yet, I had to come down here.'

‘Harry's in your bed?' Jessica said, going to perch on the arm of the sofa.

‘He comes in sometimes,' Nikki replied with an offhandedness that didn't quite work. ‘He has dreams . . . about dying.'

Jessica's heart turned over. ‘I didn't know that,' she said. ‘Why doesn't he come to me?'

‘Because I told him not to. It'll only upset you and anyway, I don't mind him coming in to me.'

Appalled to think they'd kept this from her, Jessica
made a mental note to check with Harry's teachers that there were no problems at school, and said, ‘You know, darling, if either of you ever want to talk about Natalie . . .'

‘I don't,' Nikki cut in.

Jessica flinched at the abruptness.

Nikki's eyes darted to her, then away again.

Jessica waited to see if she'd look again, but she didn't, so she said, ‘Nikki, why are you so angry with me? Is it because . . .'

‘I said I don't want to talk,' Nikki growled, her face growing taut.

Jessica looked around the room, as though searching for another way to approach her.

‘Anyway, it's not your fault,' Nikki suddenly snapped.

Jessica looked at her.

‘It's mine,' Nikki said. ‘If I hadn't been so wrapped up in my exams she could have stayed home here . . .'

‘No, no,' Jessica interrupted, going to sit beside her. ‘You had to study . . .'

‘Like it was more important than her?'

‘We didn't know it was going to happen,' Jessica said, trying to hold her.

Nikki pulled away. ‘I told you, I don't want to talk about it,' she said, and hugged her knees to her chest so Jessica couldn't come any closer.

Jessica looked at her fresh young face and felt her torment as though it were her own – sharp and harrowing, deep and relentless. If only she could take the pain from her completely, instead of sharing it, then Nikki could be free, and not have to carry this terrible burden any more.

‘Do you think she's all right where she is?' Nikki
whispered brokenly, and as tears welled in her eyes Jessica had to blink back her own.

‘Yes, of course,' she responded. In truth, she wasn't sure if she believed it, for the days were long past of having trust in a merciful God and his heaven, but it was what she had to tell herself, and what Nikki needed to hear.

‘I keep thinking what if she didn't die straight away?' Nikki said shakily. ‘What if she was crying and needed us . . .'

‘Sssh,' Jessica said, pulling her into her arms. ‘They said it was instant. That she didn't feel anything . . .'

‘But she must have known she was falling.'

‘Of course, but you can't torment yourself like this. It won't bring her back, and it's not helping you at all.'

‘I know, but I can't seem to stop,' Nikki replied, tears rolling down her cheeks. ‘I keep thinking about all the times I was mean to her . . .'

‘And she was mean to you. Sisters are like that.'

‘But I was older . . .'

‘And what about how lovely you were to her? The way you used to take her shopping, help with her homework, keep her secrets, show her how to do her hair . . . Think of all the happy times you shared, when you used to laugh and laugh, and Dad and I never knew what you were laughing at . . .'

A smile wavered onto Nikki's lips. ‘She was such a giggler, wasn't she? It was always so easy to make her laugh.'

Jessica smiled too. ‘I remember you telling her that a comedian should have an audience full of Natalies, he'd think he was a massive success.'

Nikki chuckled. ‘She was really noisy too,' she said. ‘Everything she did . . . We all knew about it . . .' Her
voice faltered. ‘I suppose that's why we miss her so much, it seems so quiet without her.'

‘Quiet? With Harry?' Jessica teased.

Nikki rolled her eyes. ‘Maybe not.' She took a breath that came out shakily. ‘Did you see him in my shower cap earlier?' she asked. ‘He's got it on now, while he's asleep. He's such a fool.' She swallowed hard, then her voice was ragged again as she said, ‘I love him so much, Mum, I just couldn't bear it if we lost him too.'

‘Oh darling,' Jessica said, holding her tightly. ‘That's not going to happen.'

‘I know, I mean, I think I know, but I feel so afraid sometimes. Don't you?'

‘Of course. We all do, but it doesn't mean there's anything to be afraid of. It's only natural that we'd be feeling insecure now – something happened that shocked us deeply, and it's hard to trust after you've had your world shattered like that. But it will get better. I promise. Soon we'll be able to put it behind us, and live our lives normally again. In some ways we already are.'

‘But I don't want to leave her behind.'

‘Oh no, we'll never do that,' Jessica assured her. ‘It's only the grief we need to let go of, not the love. That will always be with us.'

Nikki sighed and rested her head on her mother's shoulder.

They sat quietly for a while, barely listening to the music, simply feeling the comfort of one another.

‘Mum?' Nikki said finally, twisting her fingers round Jessica's. ‘Can I ask you something?'

‘Yes, of course.'

‘Well, is . . . I mean, like is everything OK with you
and Dad? You're not going to break up or anything, are you?'

Startled, and disturbed that Nikki should be thinking that way, Jessica said, ‘No, of course not. Whatever put it into your head?'

Nikki shrugged. ‘I don't know. It's just . . . I suppose you don't seem as close as you used to.'

Jessica smoothed her hair. ‘Like I said just now, we need time to get back to normal, all of us, including me and Dad, and I promise you, we're not going to break up.'

Nikki lifted her head and looked uncertainly into her mother's eyes. Then seeming reassured by what she saw there, she changed the subject again. ‘You know, I'm really worried about my results. If I don't get the right grades . . .'

‘I'm sure you will,' Jessica said soothingly, ‘so your place at uni will be safe.'

‘But what if I don't?'

‘You know we've made arrangements for you to resit, if the worst has happened. Everyone understands what pressure you were under, how difficult it was for you to sit them at all considering what you were going through.'

Nikki sighed. ‘Actually, they were kind of like a lifesaver at the time,' she confessed. ‘It gave me something else to think about, but now they're over . . .' She shook her head, apparently at a loss.

‘What about Freddy?' Jessica ventured. ‘Isn't he something else to think about?'

A blush accompanied Nikki's smile. ‘He really is cute, isn't he?' she said. ‘I mean, I know he's like nearly four years older than me, but I really think he might be interested.'

‘Dad seems convinced of it.'

Nikki glowed. ‘You know, I really love Dad,' she said. ‘I mean, he gets on my nerves sometimes, but he's usually so cool with everything.'

‘He'll be very glad to hear you love him,' Jessica smiled. ‘I'll be sure to tell him. In fact, I've been thinking about doing something to let him know how special we think he is.'

‘Really?' Nikki responded, intrigued. ‘Like what?'

‘Well, you know how much he loves to entertain and it's been a while since we had anyone round, I mean in any kind of numbers.'

‘You're thinking about throwing a party?'

Jessica grimaced. ‘Not a party, exactly, a dinner. It's more his kind of thing to sit around the table with lots of wine and friends, putting the world to rights.'

Nikki nodded. ‘So how many are you thinking of?'

‘Well, we can seat fourteen comfortably, so why go any higher? Will you help me put together a guest list? I was thinking we could start with you and Freddy, if you don't think us oldies will be too boring.'

‘Oh my God, you are like so ahead of yourself,' Nikki gasped, flushing deeply. ‘He hasn't even asked me out yet.'

‘But he will, I'm sure. So now we need to come up with another ten . . . But not tonight. It's past three already, and if you're getting a lift with Dad in the morning you'll need to be up at seven.'

As they walked up the stairs with their arms round one another, Nikki said, ‘Do we have to invite Melissa to this dinner?'

Jessica's eyebrows rose in surprise. ‘I think it would look a little odd if we didn't,' she said. ‘Why? Is she coming on a bit strong with you at the office?'

‘No, it's not that exactly, but she didn't give you a job and I think that really sucks when she knows what a hard time you've been having.'

Jessica laughed. ‘I can hardly keep up with you, Nikki Moore. I thought you blew up at me earlier because you didn't want me to go back to work.'

‘Yeah, well, I had a chat with Dad after, didn't I, and he made me see how important it is for you to have something to do. So I think it's really mean of Melissa to turn you down.'

‘Actually, so do I,' Jessica conceded, ‘but I'm sure she has her reasons, so before we strike her off the guest list, let's wait and find out what they are.'

THE FOLLOWING MORNING
they were all in the kitchen, Harry wolfing down Coco Pops, Nikki begging to borrow one of Jessica's more daring tops, Charlie reading the paper while listening to the radio, when the phone started to ring.

Jessica and Charlie immediately looked at one another. ‘Who's that at this hour?' Harry demanded for them.

‘It'll be for you,' Jessica said to Charlie, and returned to the packed lunch she was preparing for Harry.

‘Hello,' Harry sang cheerily into the phone. He listened, then said, ‘Um, I think you've got the wrong number.' His eyes moved uncertainly to Jessica, then to Charlie as he listened again. ‘We don't know anyone called Ronnie,' he said.

Jessica's face darkened.

‘Grandma,' Charlie reminded him, and reaching across the table he took the phone.

‘Hello, Charlie Moore here,' he said. ‘Can I help you?'

‘Sorry to bother you so early,' said the voice at the
other end. ‘It's Rufus Keane again. We spoke yesterday.'

‘I remember,' Charlie responded, ‘but I'm afraid the answer's still the same, we've no idea where Veronica is, and I don't wish to be rude, but how did you get this number?'

‘I found an old phone book of Ronnie's in her desk,' he replied. ‘I really am sorry to bother you so early, but I have a flight to catch and I was hoping to speak to your wife before I leave . . .'

‘She won't be able to tell you anything different,' Charlie interrupted. ‘We haven't had any contact with Veronica for over two months.'

‘I understand that, but I was wondering if your wife might be able to put me in touch with some of Ronnie's other friends, to see if they could shed some light on where she might be.'

Charlie was starting to look troubled. ‘You're making it all sound mightily mysterious,' he commented darkly.

‘I rather think it is,' came the reply.

Charlie's eyes moved to Jessica, and putting a hand over the receiver he relayed the message.

‘Oh, all right, give me the phone,' she snapped, and aware of Nikki and Harry watching her with some apprehension she tried to temper her tone as she said, ‘I'm afraid, Mr . . .?'