A Fragile Design (2 page)

Daughtie was thoughtful for several minutes, obviously weighing her friend’s words. ‘‘I can’t say that I haven’t felt a tinge of envy since you first told me that you were planning to leave.’’

Bella clapped her hands together and leaned forward in her chair, hoping to draw her friend into their scheme. ‘‘There’s no need to be frightened. You know the Believers will welcome you back if you decide against the world.’’

Daughtie nodded. ‘‘Yes, but I’d certainly never be considered faithful enough to become an Eldress if I left and then later returned.’’

‘‘Is becoming an Eldress what you aspire to, Daughtie? For if that is your heart’s desire, I’ll say no more. But if you’re merely using the hope of achieving religious rank as an excuse because you fear any change in your life, then I’d say, ‘Be brave, dear friend.’ The three of us will learn how to survive in this new life. There’s much I remember from my early years living in the world. And Jesse knows much more about the outside world than I do. With his weekly visits into town to sell and barter goods with Brother Justice, he knows how to talk and act among the world’s people. He assures me we’ll be able to work and support ourselves. Will you at least consider going? You have until tomorrow night.’’

Daughtie gave Bella a timid smile but said nothing.

‘‘Why don’t we both agree to pray about the decision to leave and see what happens tomorrow night? Would you agree to do that, Daughtie?’’

Her friend gave Bella an enthusiastic nod. ‘‘Yes, Bella. And if I believe that God is leading me to leave, I’ll accompany you and Jesse.’’

Slumber came in short spurts throughout the night, and when the first bell rang at four-thirty the next morning, Bella was already awake. She sat up and swung her legs around until her feet touched the pine floorboards. After waiting for Sister Mercy to finish, she padded across the floor and took her turn at the washstand. The familiar waking sounds of muffled voices and quiet footsteps could be heard next door and across the hall as members of the Society prepared for the day. Bella dried her face and hands, then exchanged her loose cotton nightwear for a plain blue cotton and worsted gown. She fastened the dress and then with long, even strokes, brushed her long ash-blond hair before deftly twisting it into a knot and tucking it under her white starched cap. After carefully fastening a kerchief across the bodice of her dress, Bella pulled back the bedcovers, neatly folded them over the foot of her bed, and went about her other chores until her sheets were properly aired.

‘‘You appear tired this morning,’’ Sister Mercy commented as she patted Bella’s shoulder. ‘‘Didn’t you sleep well?’’

Bella gave the older woman a smile. ‘‘I’m fine, Sister Mercy. And I’m looking forward to helping you with the pies later today.’’

‘‘And I’m looking forward to your company, also,’’ Sister Mercy replied while pouring additional oil into one of the lamps. ‘‘We’re low on oil. Would you kindly remind me to ask the Deaconesses for more?’’

Bella nodded her agreement as she quickly ran a cloth over the windowsills and built-in drawers. The second bell rang, and the Brothers could be heard leaving their rooms and walking down the steps as they headed off toward the barn. Without a word, Bella, Daughtie, and two other Sisters moved across the hall to clean the rooms of the Brethren before returning to complete their mending.

Absently retrieving a sock from the willow basket by her chair, Bella pushed her needle in and out, darning over the spot until the hole finally disappeared. She glanced over at Daughtie and wondered if her friend had made a decision. This would be the last morning Bella would sit in these familiar surroundings mending socks and stitching initials onto clothing—of that, she was certain.

The breakfast bell sounded, breaking Bella’s reverie and the early morning silence. She moved along with the rest of the Sisters as they joined the Brethren in the hallway and made their way down the separate stairways. The two groups converged in the rectangular dining hall that was now filled with long trestle tables laden with heaping platters of sausage, biscuits, and eggs, and gravy boats filled to the brim. They filled their plates and ate in silence, then rose to leave.

‘‘Any decision yet?’’ Bella questioned in a hushed tone.

Daughtie shook her head. ‘‘I’m still praying, but I do need to talk to you.’’

Bella smiled broadly and gave her friend’s hand a quick squeeze. ‘‘I’ll see if Sister Mercy will permit me to come to the children’s dormitory after we’ve set the pies to bake. Be thinking about what you want to take with you.’’

Daughtie pulled Bella closer. ‘‘I haven’t yet agreed that I’m going.’’

‘‘I know, but it’s best to be prepared in case you do decide to come along. I must hurry to the kitchen. Sister Mercy is expecting me. Keep praying, Daughtie, and I’ll see you later this morning.’’

Bella rushed down the path between the laundry and syrup shop, skidding to a halt as she entered the kitchen.

Sister Mercy gave her an apple-cheeked smile. ‘‘You best not let Eldress Phoebe see you running about with your cap askew.’’

Bella grinned as she adjusted her cap, then grabbed a knife and began paring apples while Sister Mercy mixed enough dough for thirty pies. ‘‘I have a favor to beg of you, Sister Mercy,’’ Bella said.

The rotund sister chuckled while setting her rolling pin to the stiff pie dough. ‘‘And what good deed might you need of me?’’

Bella continued peeling. ‘‘I need a few minutes to talk with Daughtie. Could I take a few minutes later this morning to visit her at the children’s dormitory?’’

Sister Mercy wiped her flour-covered hands on the large white apron that protected her woolen dress. ‘‘I think I can accommodate that request,’’ she replied with a smile. ‘‘You can go see her before the dinner bell rings.’’

‘‘Thank you,’’ she said to the Sister as she whispered more words of thanks upward.

The pile of apples in the barrel seemed unending. Bella continued to work in silence, attempting to pray as her knife skimmed across the apples, peeling away the red and gold covering to reveal the white fleshy fruit. Each of her supplications was quickly interrupted by thoughts of her father and Jesse, which were occasionally interspersed with a warm recollection of her mother. Jesse seemed so sure of himself and their plan to leave. She didn’t doubt the decision to leave; however, she did doubt that she would have the feelings of love for Jesse that he so desired. With love comes trust, and trusting was a dangerous thing. Her mother had blindly trusted her father, and he had ended their marriage by joining the Society against her mother’s wishes. Bella was certain her mother had died of a broken heart. And she didn’t plan to follow in her mother’s footsteps.

‘‘You can go visit Daughtie,’’ Sister Mercy said, releasing Bella from the kitchen. ‘‘Be sure you’re back here in fifteen minutes, or you’ll be late to dinner and I’ll have Eldress Phoebe looking to me for answers regarding your whereabouts,’’ she cautioned.

‘‘I’ll be on time,’’ Bella promised as she hurried out the door. With her heart pounding, she breathlessly hurried down the path and entered the dormitory. ‘‘I have only a few minutes, Daughtie. What do you need to talk about?’’

Without waiting for an answer, Bella plopped down in a rocking chair and beckoned one of the children closer. Mary Beth, a chubby two-year-old, waddled across the room and buried her face deep in Bella’s skirt. Bella reached down and lifted the plump toddler onto her lap. Giving Mary Beth’s cheek a fleeting kiss, Bella quickly turned her attention to the little girl’s neck, nuzzling until Mary Beth laughed in delight. The highpitched laughter brought several other children running, each one obviously eager to become a part of the frivolity. Bella held Mary Beth close to her chest as she leaned down to tickle the fair-haired Genevieve and dark-eyed Martha. ‘‘I shall dearly miss these children,’’ Bella lamented. ‘‘Save Sister Mercy, most of the Sisters expect them to act like miniature adults. I pray once we are gone they will appoint several young replacements to take our positions with the children. They don’t need any more dour faces peering down upon them.’’

‘‘Who would they appoint? You know there are only a few other girls our age, Bella, and they already take their turns with the children. With the rotation of work among the Sisters, our leaving assures the children additional hours with pinched-faced sisters who would much rather spend their time mending and weaving than chasing after these children. Perhaps we should remain—for the children’s sake,’’ Daughtie ventured.

Bella lightly rested her chin atop Mary Beth’s head, the child’s downy soft hair tickling Bella’s face. ‘‘You know how much I love the children, Daughtie. And I already know that once I’m gone I shall long to cuddle them in my arms. However, should I remain in this place, I would evolve into one of those pinched-faced sisters we’ve been speaking of. More importantly, it would be dishonest for me to indoctrinate these children with beliefs I do not embrace and accept as true.’’

Daughtie’s lips curved into a tiny smile. ‘‘I know, but if I can convince you to stay, I won’t be forced to make a decision. I suppose I’m merely attempting to make life easier on myself.’’

Bella shifted Mary Beth’s weight on her lap. Daughtie’s comment brought Bella’s thoughts back to her earlier question. ‘‘I didn’t give you a chance to answer me when I first arrived. What is it you need to discuss with me?’’

Daughtie hesitated momentarily. ‘‘I was thinking, Bella. Why don’t we just tell the Family that we’ve chosen to leave the Society? It makes more sense—we’d be given funds to cover our journey, and one of the Brothers would take us to board a coach. We could pack our belongings and leave in an honorable fashion rather than sneaking off like thieves in the—’’

‘‘I can’t do that,’’ Bella interrupted. ‘‘I know what you say is true, but the Ministry would bring Brother Franklin to talk to me. If they knew I was planning to leave, they’d suddenly believe it permissible to use my birth father to try to dissuade me. I will not argue my decision with him. Besides, if they knew Jesse was going, they’d accuse us of wrongdoing. And, Daughtie, I pledge to you that there has been nothing inappropriate between us. Besides, the Ministry would not believe us—they’d shame us and encourage us to confess and repent before the Believers. I’ll not take their money, and I’ll not confess or repent to something I’ve not done. Please, Daughtie, don’t base your decision upon my willingness to seek approval from the Ministry.’’

Daughtie seated herself on one of the straight-backed wooden chairs and stared at her friend. ‘‘I understand, but you must admit it makes more sense to leave with money.’’

‘‘You’re right. It would be easier to have their help, but I’m unwilling to pay the price they’d demand for a few coins and a ride to the stagecoach. It’s almost dinnertime, and I promised Sister Mercy I wouldn’t be late. We can talk more on the way to meeting tonight,’’ Bella promised as she leaned down and gave her friend a quick hug. She ought not take the time, but she knew she might never see these children again. Kneeling down, she held her arms wide and pulled each child into a warm embrace before leaving the room.

A tear trickled down her cheek as Bella glanced toward the Sisters’ Weaving Shop. She exited the dormitory and hurried back toward the Dwelling House. Rounding a turn in the path, she looked up toward the bell, hoping it wouldn’t sound until she had safely returned to the kitchen. If detected, it was certain one of the Sisters would question why she was outdoors rather than baking pies. Worse yet, she didn’t want to cause a problem for Sister Mercy, whose judgment in permitting such a visit between the young Sisters would be closely scrutinized by the Ministry.

‘‘Just in time!’’ Sister Mercy exclaimed as the bell began to toll.

Bella met the older Sister’s smiling gaze, a keen sense of melancholy suddenly assaulting her senses. The time when she would flee Canterbury was quickly approaching. The thought of never again seeing Sister Mercy, coupled with her good-byes to the tiny children she had helped care for over the past several years, was more distressing than she had imagined.

‘‘Something is bothering you, child. I can always tell when you’re troubled. You know you can talk to me, don’t you? I love you like you’re my own. Many’s the time Eldress Phoebe has accused me of caring too much about you.’’

Bella struggled to hold back her tears. ‘‘And what did you tell Eldress Phoebe when she made her accusations?’’

‘‘Same thing I’d tell her right here and now if she were to ask me again: It’s impossible to love or care too much for a child. We all need as much love as we can get,’’ Sister Mercy proclaimed, her cheeks dimpling as she gave a wide smile.

‘‘That’s certainly true. You’re a wise woman, Sister Mercy. Had it not been for your love, prayers, and consolation, I don’t know how I would have survived those terrible weeks after my mother died. You know you’ll always be very special to me, don’t you?’’ Bella asked, unable to hold her tears in check.

Sister Mercy pulled Bella into a warm embrace and lovingly patted her back as if she were a small child. ‘‘There, there,’’ she comforted. ‘‘Tell me what’s caused you such misery. If you’ll only let me, surely I can help.’’

Knowing she must deceive dear Sister Mercy caused Bella further sorrow, yet she could not confide in the woman. Bella knew Sister Mercy would never break a confidence. It was for that very reason Bella would not take the older woman into her confidence. The Elders would surely question Sister Mercy once they discovered Bella’s disappearance. The older woman’s allegiance to Bella would become grounds for chastisement by the Elders, and poor Sister Mercy’s loyalty to a wayward Sister would certainly become the subject of a sermon. Bella could not abide being the cause of such embarrassment for the woman she loved so dearly.

‘‘It’s nothing, Sister Mercy. Merely a bout of melancholy,’’ Bella finally replied.

Sister Mercy hesitated a moment. ‘‘If you’re certain there’s nothing I can do, then we’d best hurry along. If we’re late, Eldress Phoebe will expect a confession for our tardiness. But just remember, Bella, I’m always here should you need me, and you are always in my prayers.’’