A Forever Kind of Guy: The Braddock Brotherhood, Book 2 (37 page)

It was, but she saw no point in telling Niko that. “It was good to see you, Niko. Take care.”

She closed and locked the door behind him then leaned against it. She couldn’t imagine how Niko planned to eliminate Carlos as a threat but it was indeed too little and much too late.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Midmorning the following day, Hayley dragged her feet to the end of the driveway. She’d slept badly, tossing and turning with images of Ray and Fletcher and Niko haunting her along with snippets of conversation replaying through her head.

She hadn’t collected her mail for a couple of days. All that ever arrived was junk mail and bills. Forms from the state. But those would cease now that she no longer had custody of Fletcher.

It had happened so fast, Hayley could barely comprehend how quickly Fletcher had vanished from her life. A short time ago, he’d gone to his first meet and greet with prospective adoptive parents, and today he was being signed, sealed and delivered to his adoptive family.

She had no idea who had adopted him. She hadn’t felt she had the right to ask. Callie had assured her Fletcher would be loved and well-taken care of for the rest of his life, and since she trusted Callie, she had to comfort herself with that.

She brushed aside the useless tears. They kept sneaking up on her. She knew she’d done the right thing. God knew she’d agonized over it for weeks. As attached as she’d become to Fletcher, she knew in her heart she was in no position to parent him alone. He deserved more than he’d gotten in his short life. Now Fletcher would have a good home surrounded by people who would love him and take care of him the way he deserved to be.

But still, she felt sad and empty. She told herself she’d get over it. Once she moved, she wouldn’t have to look at Fletcher’s empty room every day and be reminded of him.

Her relationship with Ray would certainly change now that Fletcher was gone. Ray loved that little boy. Giving him up would not only leave a hole in Hayley’s life, but in Ray’s as well.

Plus, she’d be living several thousand miles away. Probably such a long distance relationship wouldn’t last long. Ray had made it clear what he wanted. He wanted her to stay. He wanted her to keep Fletcher. She didn’t see how she could do either. Nor, probably, should she, just to please him. She had to do what was right for her. Even if she was becoming less sure with each passing day exactly what that was.

She yanked the door of the mailbox open, scolding herself for continuing to dwell on the outcome of a decision she couldn’t reverse. She’d done what she thought was best for everyone concerned, but mostly for Fletcher. She had no choice but to live with it.

The mailbox was half-filled with flyers and advertisements and envelopes containing requests for charitable contributions and offers for credit cards. Hayley sorted through it absently as she started back to the house. Most of it could go directly into the recycling bin. But there was one thick envelope with a return address she recognized. She held the heavy vellum in her hand and got that sick feeling in her stomach. The same one she got every time she saw mail from Trey’s attorney.

On the porch she sank into a chair and set the other mail on the table. The divorce had been finalized months and months ago. She and Trey had nothing more to say to each other. She had nothing he would want, nothing he could take he hadn’t already taken. Why now should she receive correspondence from his attorney?

Bracing herself, she ripped the envelope open with one finger under the flap, leaving an ugly jagged tear across the expensive stationery. Several thick sheets of paper fell out into her lap and a lighter, narrower piece of paper fluttered to the floor. It looked like a check.

Hayley picked it up and stared at her name and at all the zeroes after the first number. This had to be a mistake.

She shuffled through the papers, righting them, and began to read a handwritten letter from Trey himself.

Dear Hayley,

First of all I want to tell you I’m sorry. For everything. Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t make what I did to you okay or forgivable, but I need you to know I regret everything I put you through. None of it was your fault. I was a sorry S.O.B. out of his head on drugs and booze and my own misery. I know I blamed you. It was easier than blaming myself or taking responsibility for my own life. But you were never to blame for the things I did.

I’ve lost you. It kills me to say it, think it or write it, but I know it’s true. I killed whatever love you had for me, and I’ll probably regret that forever, no matter how much I deserve it.

My worst fear is no one will ever love me the way you did. Believe me, I’ve had a lot of time to think since I sobered up. It’s pretty much all I do. Good thing I’m not the suicidal type, huh?

I was a shit about the divorce. Again, not what you deserved. I’m not proud of myself or the way I behaved. I should have stood up for you and I didn’t. Somebody should have kicked me to the curb for being such a jerk.

I’ve apologized to Andre and he accepted. He told me about Steffie. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when she died. I think it’s great that you took Fletcher. He’s a lucky kid. We always talked about having kids someday, didn’t we? I’m sorry now we never got around to it, because maybe they’d be a reason you’d give me another chance to be there for you. You’ll be a terrific mother.

Anyway, I told the lawyers to put a check in here for you, and a whole bunch of legal papers they claim are necessary.

You probably don’t care, but my new goal in life is to stop being a self-centered jerk and try to be the man I should have been so you’d still be here. Don’t laugh, but I’ve been in therapy and I think it’s helping.

This is probably impossible, and I know it’s asking a lot, but I hope I haven’t killed everything you ever felt for me. Maybe we can be friends or something. Maybe I can call you every once in a while just to talk and see how you are.

Love always,

Trey

Tears filled her eyes and ran down her cheeks as she read and re-read his letter along with the other enclosures. Even though it was too little and much too late, Trey had directed his attorneys to give Hayley more than she’d originally asked for as a divorce settlement.

Now?
she wanted to say to him.
Now, you’re giving me this?

For more than a year she’d barely been able to make ends meet. Her financial situation was one of the reasons she’d given up Fletcher.

Would the money have made a difference?

Hayley gazed out at her surroundings and pondered that question. Maybe. Maybe not. Financial security was not going to magically turn her into the best parent for Fletcher. She was still convinced of that. But it would have made things easier.

Certainly money would have made it easier to create a new life and new identities for herself and Fletcher had she chosen to go that route.

Why, she wondered, was everything coming together for her
now?
Ray hadn’t dumped her when she’d given Fletcher up for adoption as she’d feared he would. In fact, he’d been even more attentive and supportive, if that were possible. Even her “career”, such as it was, seemed to be coming together. In spite of her doubts about her own qualifications, she’d come up with some ideas for the Girls Fitness Academy. She’d had another meeting with Pablo last week. Though there were no guarantees, he was certain he could acquire the funding for it, and he’d assured her that the Y would reimburse her tuition if she decided to complete her degree, something he strongly encouraged her to do.

But what good was financial security, a career, a relationship? She’d lost Fletcher. She’d always wonder how he was, what became of him, but she’d never know. He’d grow up to be a man, and he’d forget her. Maybe he’d forget Steffie too, who’d given birth to him and did her best to be a mother to him, but she didn’t know how.

And neither did I
, Hayley thought sadly. She hadn’t a clue how to mother that little boy.

Again came the thought that Ray had done a better job of parenting Fletcher than she had. He’d drawn Fletcher out of his shell with Oscar. He treated Fletcher like an equal, never making a judgment about his lack of speech as many people did. Maybe somebody like Ray would adopt Fletcher. Someone who had a wife to be a mother to him. Maybe they had other children as well. Fletcher could have a whole family to love him and accept him.

Hayley tried to smile at the thought that Fletcher would be surrounded by people who loved him. But the smile fought with the tears that still pressed behind her eyes at her own sadness. She’d miss him like crazy. She hadn’t known how much until now. She’d given him up, let him go to strangers, believing he’d be better off. But would he? Hadn’t he already been surrounded by people who loved him? Her and Ray. Molly. Rick and Kaylee. Somehow she’d already created the kind of family for Fletcher she’d been so sure he needed.

You’ll be a terrific mother.
Trey probably knew her better than anybody, yet he’d never told her that before. And why it should mean so much to her now, she couldn’t say. But what if he was right? Maybe she had a higher learning curve than other women, but who was to say she couldn’t learn to be the kind of mother Fletcher needed?

She sat up straighter as another revelation struck her. And who said she had to move to L.A. to have a career and finish her degree? Pablo had offered her those same opportunities at the local Y? She no longer felt the need to move across the country to get away from Trey and her bad memories. She was over him. She’d known that for weeks. Her past was behind her, and she had only the future to look forward to. A future created by her own choices and decisions.

She stared at her surroundings as if she’d never seen them before. The huge oak trees shading the yard in front of the duplex. The small town street with no sidewalks bordered with small family homes, minivans and compact cars in the driveways. Though unpretentious, the neighborhood had always somehow infused her with a sense of security. Could this be where she was meant to be? What had happened to her desire to leave here as soon as she could?

That desire seemed to have dissipated in direct proportion to the growth of her relationship with Ray. He’d stuck it out, even when she made it clear she had no intention of adopting Fletcher. But would he, could he, forgive her that? More importantly, would she be able to forgive herself if she didn’t at least try to be a mother to her stepsister’s child? Hadn’t she promised Steffie that she would do right by Fletcher? What if adopting him was the right thing for both of them?

She’d been so determined to stick to her plan she’d lost sight of the fact that the plan had become unnecessary. For so long it had been the only thing getting her through each day of these past few months—the shell-shock when her divorce was finalized, her grief over Steffie, the bureaucratic red tape keeping Fletcher had required, her worry over his welfare when he refused to speak. The plan for her future had been like a life preserver, something she’d been swimming for, looking forward to. Without it she’d been afraid she’d simply give up and let the wayward waves of life take her where they would. She’d been so focused on the plan, she hadn’t realized she’d reached a safe shore weeks ago. She’d been hanging on to that life preserver, afraid to let go. She didn’t need it anymore, but maybe she’d hung on too long.

Niko’s words came back to her.
Living in fear ain’t no way to live.

What if it wasn’t too late? She stood abruptly, the papers and check falling to the floor. What if she could stop the adoption?

She raced inside to grab her purse and car keys.

The Mustang flew over the back roads while Hayley’s mind raced. Butterflies set up a constant drum in her stomach, not in excitement or anticipation, but in potential disappointment. What would she say if she got there in time?
Sorry, you can’t have Fletcher. I changed my mind. I want to adopt him.

Surely the potential adoptive parents were under no obligation to give up their claim on Fletcher. What if they said no? Hayley chewed on her bottom lip. They wouldn’t, she decided. She’d beg and plead and promise until they agreed to give Fletcher back to her. Forever.

She smiled a little at the thought. Ray would be part of that forever too. She hadn’t believed in the possibility of forever in such a long time. But if she, or maybe she and Ray, adopted Fletcher, he’d be their son forever. She wouldn’t have to wonder years from now how he turned out, where he was or what he’d accomplished in his life. She’d be right there every step of the way, cheering him on. She almost laughed at the thought. She hadn’t felt like cheering for anything or anyone in a very long time. Maybe she needed to learn to be her own cheerleader, to believe she could win even when it seemed the odds were against her.

She reached the outskirts of Jannings Point and realized she didn’t know where the adoption proceeding was taking place. The courthouse possibly?

At a stoplight, she retrieved her cell phone and punched in Callie’s office number. When Callie didn’t pick up, she was offered the option of leaving a message on voice mail or being routed to the main switchboard. She punched in two for the switchboard.

The reluctant receptionist wouldn’t give her specifics about the hearing, only telling her that such proceedings were normally held in a judge’s chamber at the courthouse.

Hayley turned right and breathed a sigh of relief when she found a parking place in the courthouse lot. She ran into the building and slowed immediately for the security inspection. Obediently she placed her purse on the conveyor belt and got in line for the walk through the metal detector.

Once through, she approached the information desk manned by two uniformed sheriff’s deputies, one of whom she recognized from the Y. His gaze flickered over her in surprised recognition.

She gave him her best smile. “Hi, how are you?”

He grinned back. “Doing okay. How’s it going?”

“Um, I’m supposed to attend an adoption hearing in the judge’s chambers this morning, but I forgot the judge’s name and I don’t know where it is.”