A Flash of Green (26 page)

“Early this year he decided he would ‘cure’ himself by making love to a girl. He selected a little slut in his class who was reported to be ready to oblige anybody. He went to her house. She was alone. She kissed him hello, locked the front door, took him directly to her room, stepped out of her shorts, shucked off her blouse and bra and spread herself out on the bed and said, ‘Hurry
up
, tiger!’ Poor Jigger ran like a gazelle. He paused a block away to throw up, and kept running. The girl spread it all over school. By then if he hadn’t already learned he couldn’t kill himself, he would have tried again. It pushed him a little further from reality, that’s all.

“Then I came along. I had two advantages, I guess. One, I hadn’t had a chance to hear any of the talk about him. I wouldn’t know, unless I suspected by just looking at him, which is ridiculous, of course. Two, I’m scrawny, not all big bazoom and fatty hips, which apparently the experimental girl had more than her fair share of, and he felt they had put him off. I guess you could say I had three advantages. He didn’t want me to expect anything of him. Can you imagine what the poor thing wanted of me?”

“Just … maybe to be seen with you.”

“Exactly! You’re very wise, Kat. He wanted to have a girl to go on dates with, so the world would know he was dating a girl. He sensed I didn’t want to get involved in any way, certainly not with a kid of seventeen. Actually, if he could have bought a robot girl, that would have been perfect, as long as everybody thought she was real. He wanted me to like him. He wanted to talk nicely to me so I would want to be with him. And I guess he wanted to practice being with a girl, walking with her and talking with her, so that he could be more at ease. He wanted a status he thought he didn’t have, and I was to be the symbol. He really talked very nicely on our walk up the beach, but it was a little bit strained. I think he’d sort of memorized a conversational line he thought would keep me amused. I thought he was tense because he was working up to a pass. And then I stumbled and he grabbed at me in the dark when I half fell against him, and his big dear innocent paw clapped right over my left breast as if he’d planned it that way. And it was such a horrible moment, he froze. The very
last
thing he wanted to do was make a pass at me.

“It took a long time to get that out of him. He’s terribly sensitive. And he’s brighter than you’d think. I knew he was not homosexual. But how can you convince anybody who’s gotten themselves tied up in such knots they can’t listen to reason?” She lit another cigarette, shook the match out too violently. “I don’t put much value on myself. Not after last year. When somebody takes everything from you, and decides it isn’t enough. And you crawl and beg and humble yourself, and they laugh and walk out of your life, it doesn’t leave you a hell of a lot to hold dear, does it?”

“Natalie!”

“I’m as much a woman as I’ll ever be. You see, I felt
involved
in Jigger’s problem. And maybe in some sick little way it made me
feel better, because here was somebody messed up a little worse than I was. There’s a kind of rare justice in it, Kat. I seduced that big scared kid. I took the risk I
could
seduce him, because if it hadn’t worked, I don’t know what would have happened to him. On that same beach, the first time, because it seemed to have to be something that happened by accident, almost. If he’d known I wanted it to happen, he’d have become impotent out of fright. Hours, it took. And all kinds of sneaky tricks. God, I was so tender and cautious. When it finally began to happen, I felt ten thousand years old, the mother of all, holding that great trembling scared lummox, that sweet whimpering ox. But he needed more assurance than that. So we’ve had a couple of motel dates. Are you shocked?”

“I guess so. Sort of.”

“At the Drowsy Lady. I made the arrangements both times. It’s like giving life to something. That bumbling shyness and all that fright is gone now. He can laugh at the way he was. He’s a man now, and he struts and smirks and looks so incredibly smug. He makes love joyously now. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t let me give you the idea it’s something I just endure. He’s learned how to make it good for me. Does it spoil the purity of the motive if I enjoy it?”

“Stop trying to hurt yourself, Natalie.”

The girl made a face. “Now, of course, he is certain it is love undying. He’s certain I’m not too old for him. He wants to come to school at Michigan. He’s sure we’ll get married. He has it all worked out. I don’t want that, of course. I don’t love him. He’s a sweet, intelligent boy. If I stopped right now, he might just be trading one obsession for another. I had the idea I’d let him have … so much of me, the charm of the idea would kind of
fade away after I go back to school. Do you know what I keep thinking when I’m with him? I keep thinking there is some girl he hasn’t met yet, some girl I’ll probably never meet, who can be grateful to me later on. Jigger will be a good husband. This isn’t going to make him promiscuous. He’s learning that, too, how promiscuity is such a silly shallow thing. Well, somebody found out about it. And they’re using it.”

“Does Jigger know?”

“The people who talked to my father didn’t give him the name of the male involved. I refused to tell him. He’s absolutely furious with me. No, Jigger doesn’t know. I’m afraid of what it would do to him, and I’m afraid of what crazy thing he might try to do about it if he knew. If he knew somebody was trying to hurt me, he could be murderous. He … he hasn’t got the stability he’ll have later on, in a few more years. I don’t feel soiled and messy. If you place no value on something, what harm does it do to give it to somebody who needs it badly? He writes poetry about me. Some of it is really quite good. I’ve watched him asleep. He doesn’t look over twelve when he’s asleep. I’ve felt proud to hold him, Kat. He was on some terrible edge when I found him. And now he isn’t. Was I wrong? Is the whole thing dirty and cheap and wrong? Tell me, Kat. I trust you. I feel so defensive about it, too defensive, maybe.”

“It isn’t an easy question. There isn’t any easy answer. If you could have gotten him to go to someone for help …”

“I tried, but he wouldn’t hear of it.”

“Natalie, I understand. I really do. It was the combination of two kinds of unhappiness, actually. But I think there’s a part of it you don’t understand, or you’re trying to deny.”

“Such as?”

“A masochistic streak in you. You’re ashamed of last year. So you were willing to find some way to abuse yourself, if you could
find a rationalization for it. You don’t hold yourself cheap. If you did, you wouldn’t be struggling so hard to justify the relationship with Jigger. You just wouldn’t give a damn, would you?”

“M-maybe not. I don’t know.”

“But you can be awfully certain, dear, that few people could ever understand it. Very few women, and almost no men. They wouldn’t comprehend the sacrificial flavor to it, and the kind of strange inverted motherhood. I’ve never liked that boy.”

“He’s never let anyone else know him. I didn’t like him either.”

“The world is going to turn it into filth, if it ever comes out.”

“I pleaded with my father. I begged him. I told him to let them do their damnedest. I told him it wouldn’t hurt me, and I didn’t tell him that I wouldn’t let it hurt Jigger. I
despise
the idea of anybody being able to get at him through me. But nobody can talk to him now. Claire is wandering around wondering what the hell happened. It’s up to him to tell her if he wants to.”

“Who found out about it?”

“I just can’t imagine.”

“There’s an obvious answer, isn’t there? Burt Lesser is anxious to have the bay fill go through. Di is tough opposition.”

“Jigger? Oh, no. I have absolute confidence in him. They could cut him in pieces and he wouldn’t tell. I told Dial I’d leave his house today. I’d pack and get out of there, and then he could tell them to pull anything they felt like. But he wouldn’t hear of it. I’m telling you, Kat, for a man who’s led the kind of emotional life he’s led, he’s a pretty primitive father. I’m supposed to be some kind of a golden princess or something. If he really believes that, I could tell him some things that would stagger him, charming little details of my great romance up in Michigan. I told Jigger a little bit. I didn’t dare tell him any more. He would have headed north to kill the guy. No, somebody saw us. Here’s the terrifying thing about it, Kat. We were there last night. That was
the second time. They knew about that too. We took my little alarm clock with us, and set it for five, and creeped into our houses like mice this morning. Dial came and bellowed me out of bed as soon as he got the call.”

“Who called him?”

“He didn’t say, but I got the impression the other person didn’t give a name.”

“He said the rest of us were vulnerable and he wasn’t.”

“What?”

“Nothing important, dear. Jimmy Wing told me the other side might play dirtier this time. I didn’t really believe him. I can’t believe Burt Lesser would … approve of this sort of thing.”

“I bet he doesn’t know anything about it. It would be that oily Leroy Shannard, or that crude Buck Flake. Or maybe the rest of them, not Mr. Lesser, just hired somebody to raise hell with your committee any way they can.”

“It’s so stinking,” Kat said.

“Isn’t it, though? And it’s such a darn … vulgar kind of melodrama. I didn’t want it to be anybody’s business but mine, what I did. I didn’t want it affecting anybody else. My father is an idiot to let it change his mind about anything. What could they do, really?”

“I don’t know, and I guess he doesn’t want to test it.”

“He isn’t going to give himself a chance to change his mind, or anybody else. Poor Claire. This afternoon he told her they’re taking a trip just as soon as he can get tickets. Her face fell. She loves it here in the summer. She loves the house and the pool and the beach. She asked where they were going, and he said he’d decide later. They’ll take the twins and Esperanza. She asked how long, and he said he’d decide that later too. They’ll leave Floss there and keep the house open. I can stay there or not, he said. It’s up to me.”

“He’s running away?”

“Kat, he’s going away. That’s what he’s done with most of the problems in his life, walk away from them. I know I’ll stay. I like teaching the kids. I can’t run too. I have to find some gentle way to make Jigger independent of me, the way he should be. If I let him sink or swim now, all the rest of it would mean less … to both of us.”

“Should I try to talk to Dial?”

“He’ll be very sweet and very polite and extremely evasive, Kat. You won’t get anywhere. I’ve seen him like this before.”

“I’ll have to tell Tom Jennings something. Natalie? Natalie, what is it?”

The girl was staring at her, her hand at her throat, her face stricken. “Oh, Kat, when will I ever get over being so darn young?”

“What’s the matter?”

“I came storming in here, loading you up with all my infantile goopy problems, completely, utterly forgetting this has been such a miserable day for you.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It
does
matter! I feel like an insect. You’ve been so sweet, listening to my silly mess.”

“Stop it! Stop it or I’m going to get angry, Natalie. You had to have somebody to come to. And I’m concerned. I’m not pretending. What kind of a monster do you think I am? Do you think I’m so all wound up in my own problems there isn’t any room to try to help anybody else?”

“But I should have remembered!”

“You just did. Now shut up about it, please. I think I asked you a question. I have to tell Tom Jennings something.”

“Tell him the whole thing.”

“Now you
are
being a silly little girl.”

“I know. Righteous defiance. I’m sorry. My trouble is I’m old for my years, but not as old as I think I am, I guess. I’m about seventy percent adult. The thirty percent keeps making me feel foolish. I guess you’ll have to hint.”

“I wish you knew who could have seen you. Was your car parked where anybody could see it?”

“It was way around in the back both times. The first time we went there was a week and a half ago. When we were driving out, a boy Jigger knows was driving in, but we were both sure he didn’t recognize Jigger. Both times I registered there was nobody there but the desk clerk. I’ve got Michigan plates, you know. And I certainly didn’t meech around acting furtive about anything. I got over all that kind of maidenly shyness last year. The only thing I can think of, Kat, is what my father said about the bay fill being in the planning stage for a long time. So they could have been following me ever since I got down here, just for luck, for the chance of something to use. But I haven’t felt as if I was being followed.”

“It’s so strange. All of a sudden it doesn’t seem as if it’s the same town. Do you think Dial will
really
go away?”

“Oh, yes. He’s got his pack-the-bags expression. Very bustly and fussy and efficient. Poor Claire hates traveling.” Natalie stood up. “Now I’m a little bit high, and very very tired, and very grateful to you.”

“I haven’t done anything.”

“You could have made me feel like a degenerate.”

Kat walked her to the front door and went out into the night with her. Natalie turned quickly and kissed Kat on the cheek, made a small snuffling noise, and strode off down the road.

Kat went in and phoned Tom Jennings. It was quarter of midnight.

“It’s late to phone you, Tom.”

“I wasn’t going to be able to sleep until I heard from you. What did he say?”

“Tom, honestly, I don’t think there’s the slightest chance of his changing his mind. In fact, he’s going to go away for a while. He’s taking Claire and the twins.”

“That’s … very disappointing. But what
happened
? He was so determined to help us.…”

“Tom, somebody went to a great deal of trouble, somebody very sly and smart, and they dug up the names and dates and places, and phoned Di and said they would make a big juicy scandal of what they’d found out if he didn’t resign from Save Our Bays.”