A Fine Mess (Over the Top) (19 page)

We order wine and food on the fly, and Raven gives Shay hell once the waiter leaves. When she’s exhausted her crude vocabulary, she turns her focus on me. “How are Kevin and his family?”

Kevin. His family. Jim’s things.
My shoulders shoot back toward my ears, and I press my fingers into the tines of my fork. “Better than I would have expected. We talk every few days. Kevin’s taken some extra time off work to make sure his mom is settled before he comes back to the city. I’m glad I can be here for him.”

And I wish I had unpacked those boxes. I release the fork and pick at my nails.

Shay studies me. “It’s cool you guys are making it work. Most couples can’t stay friends. Was it weird with Sawyer around?”

“A bit. They didn’t come to blows, but there was tension. Kevin’s just looking out for me.”

“And Vancouver?” she asks. “You think it’ll be good for you? Are your folks on board?”

As far as I’m concerned, the next few months can’t go quickly enough. There’s so much I want to leave behind, pieces of myself I wish didn’t exist. The sooner I get my life in order here, the better. “I think it’ll be great for me, personally and professionally. Working from the Moondog head office will be easier, and my parents are sad, but they understand. My mom sees how hard I’ve fallen for Sawyer. She even admitted she was glad Kevin and I broke up, that she sensed I didn’t love him like I should. I still can’t believe Sawyer and I are together.”

Raven traces the rose tattoo on her wrist. “I can. Even in Aspen, you guys hit it off. I figured it would happen eventually.”

Shay leans closer, her curls spilling over her shoulders. “You know what’s nuts? If the Dick hadn’t dumped me, if we hadn’t taken that trip, I wouldn’t be living with Kolton, and you wouldn’t be with Sawyer. Talk about good karma.”

Raven snorts. “For you guys, maybe. I’ll be happy if I never see Nico again.” She runs her finger over her wrist in restless circles.

Although I’ve asked Raven several times about her time with Nico in Aspen, all she ever says is, “I got wasted. We saw each other naked. That’s all.” Raven doesn’t hold on to crushes. She dates, hooks up, then moves on. When Nico is mentioned, she gets resentful. Angry. I can’t help but wonder what else happened between them.

“Not that I’m defending the guy,” I say, “but he did need to deal with his brother’s charges. Still, he should have called you.”

“Whatever. Let’s not talk about him. It’s ancient history.
Your
lives are much more interesting. What I need to know, Shay, is if you and Kolton are still shagging in public restrooms now that you live together.”

Shay squints at Raven. “Subtle much?”

“Says the girl who just pimped me out to a complete stranger.”

The man in question passes with a tray of lemon meringue pie, and Shay follows the decadent dessert with her eyes. “He’s cute
and
he serves pie. I bet his friends are awesome.” She swivels back to us. “And the answer to your question is it’s none of your business. But living together has
not
dampened our attraction.”

“How has it been with Jackson?” I ask.

Shay’s face softens. “He signed up for his school spelling bee, so I’m helping him. It’s become our special project. I love him so much already, and it breaks my heart when he has a hard time with other kids. They don’t get why he wears two different socks or writes with particular colored pencils on certain days. It’s not easy being different, but he’s such a sweet kid.”

Raven nods. “And he’s got his father’s looks. Those little shits will be clamoring for his attention in a few years.”

“That’s what I tell him. It all feels so unreal, though. How miserable I was a year ago, and how happy I am now. Except for my job. It’s not awful, but I’m not sure I like how big the firm is. I don’t get to do a lot of hands-on stuff like when I worked here. But I come home to Kolton and Jackson every night,
and
one of my best friends is moving out West, too. All in all, life rocks.”

Our sexy waiter returns, a curl of his black hair straying onto his forehead. He places our glasses of wine down, then Shay raises hers. “I think a toast is in order.” Once Raven and I have our glasses up, she says, “To Lily and her new love and an exciting move to Vancouver.”

“To Shay’s new life,” Raven says.

I raise my Chardonnay higher. “To Raven’s new tattoo.”

“And to her upcoming date with Sexy Waiter’s friend,” Shay adds.

Raven shoots her a mock scowl, and we clink glasses. We talk and laugh for the next hour as we catch up on my trip to Belize and Shay’s move and Raven’s crappy art students. I stop worrying about Jim’s things and missing Sawyer. I enjoy every second with my girls. Secretly I smile, knowing Sawyer will call me after his dinner with Meryl and Finn. The time difference makes things sketchy, but I’ll make sure to stay up. If I can fall asleep to his voice every night, the next few weeks will fly by. I run my fingers over my pea coat hanging on the back of my chair:
A girl stores her winter clothes, knowing summer is around the corner.
I have so much to look forward to.

My Challenger tears up the pavement, the engine roaring in my ears. I accelerate out of a tight turn, burning rubber, my hands pinched on the steering wheel. The yellow dividing line zips by, the marks ticking in a blurring staccato. This stretch of road is always deserted. Pristine track. The lights above illuminate the curves ahead. Sexy. Like a woman, all smooth and rounded.

Man, do I love this car.

A few minutes later, I ease up on the gas. It only took one speeding ticket for me to learn where I can and can’t let my foot get heavy on the pedal. Since Finn and Meryl had the girls, I’ve driven this road enough to learn every speed trap, every hazard. Even when it’s dark at six thirty, I navigate like a motherfucker.

I ease my beast of a car down the sloping streets toward Finn’s home, each house bigger than the last.
Architectural Digest
would have a hard-on for this neighborhood. Normally, I roll by without a second glance. Tonight, I slow to a crawl and study the homes, some with Victorian charm, others rocking a classic country vibe or modern lines. My mind veers to Lily, like it’s done since I left her, wondering what type of house she’d want, how she’d decorate it.

If everything goes according to plan, we’ll live in my loft awhile, but I don’t imagine she’d choose to hang comic art and samurai swords on her walls. I’d bet my left nut she wouldn’t want the eighty-inch TV screen that engulfs the space. It’ll be hard storing some of my stuff, but I want our place to be
ours
. Not mine. Not hers. An amalgamation of our lives.
If
Meryl assuages my fears that I might mess with Lily’s progress. If not, we might need to take things slower, which would suck.

I pull into Finn’s empty driveway, their cars probably in the garage. I sink deeper into my seat, still stuck on Lily and the hopeful expression on her face after therapy. She pressed her cold lips to mine, and pride swelled in my chest, awe and amazement at her strength. She’s the true Wizard of Oz, the giver of hearts and courage. And I need to step up. Find a way to be a better man, for Lily. Starting with storing my knife collection to make room for her new vintage sewing machine. Make room for her in my life.

My nerves and doubts ease, and I hop out of my car and walk to the front door. Finn and Meryl’s home is on the contemporary side, clean lines accented in dark wood and polished stone. I knock on the large red door. When no one answers, I try again.

Then the hairs on my neck spike.

“Go the fuck away, Finn!” Meryl screams so loudly the door practically shakes, her barbed voice cutting the silence. “Go the fuck away before I burn this house down!”

My heart revs faster than my car, fifth gear slamming into sixth. Meryl doesn’t scream. She doesn’t yell. She’s strict but fun with the girls, always quick with a joke.

“Mer, it’s me, Sawyer. What’s going on?”

A pause, then, “Go away, Sawyer. I don’t want to see you or your fucking brother, or another member of the fucking West family, for as long as I fucking live.”

Make that seventh gear. “That’s a lot of
fuck
s, Mer. You mind telling me what’s going on? Are the girls all right?”

“The girls, no thanks to your shit-for-brains brother, are fine. They’re with my sister. Your brother can tell you what’s going on, if he has the balls to come clean. But you won’t find him here, because he’s never allowed to step a fucking foot in this fucking house. Ever again.
Fuck.
” A sob explodes from the other side of the door, followed by a crash, the sound of glass shattering.

Holy shit.
Shit, shit, shit.

What the hell has he done? I plunge my hand into my jacket pocket and fumble for my keys, dropping them once before I get the right one in the lock. I shove the door open, heart in my throat. Meryl’s on her knees, body pitched forward, her dark hair covering her face. Horrific keening wracks her body, deep, sharp spasms that shake my foundation.

I look around for an explanation. A sign. A lifeline. Aside from the shattered vase on the hardwood floor, their vestibule is in order—the cream area rug spotless, the art deco console table intact. No blood on the walls or signs of struggle. I crouch beside Meryl and put my hand on her back. Bad idea.

She whirls and smacks my arm away, and Christ, her face.

Livid. Crazed. Rabid.

Her long brown hair is haphazard, like she’s been yanking it. Tears streak her blotchy cheeks, and venom fills her eyes. “Don’t touch me. Get the fuck out.”

I stand, hands raised in surrender, and fear pools in my gut. “I’m not leaving. Not while you’re like this. Why don’t I make you a cup of tea so we can talk?”

“Talk?
Talk?
Did you know? Have I been the butt of everyone’s jokes for the past two years? Have you boys been walking around laughing at me? I swear to God, I never should have married him. Your whole family is fucked. None of you can keep it in your pants. I thought he was different. I thought he loved me. And the girls? How could he do this to them?” Her anger thins into anguish. “How could he do this to
me
?”

Fuck, shit. No.

No, no, no.

Her next sob is violent, the ugly truth fueling her grief and mine, another West family member caught cheating. Jesus,
not Finn
. He’s the strong one. The loyal one. The one of us most capable of navigating marriage, and he failed. No, not failed. From the looks of things, he wrecking-balled his life. And Meryl. Smart, funny, strong Meryl is reduced to snarling words and angry sobs, the twins destined to get dragged through the wreckage. For what? A hot piece of ass? A moment of abandon?

I nearly punch the wall.

Meryl covers her face with her hands, convulsions shaking her body, and my gut lurches. If I mess up with Lily, this could be her fate. It wouldn’t take a disaster as epic as this, and her fallout wouldn’t necessarily look like a woman torn apart, but one wrong move on my part could send her spiraling backward, the work she’s doing to better herself all for nothing. I could flirt with a woman the way I do, give someone the wrong impression, and have it bite me in the ass. If she doesn’t like Vancouver, and I’m busy with work, her stress could push her into her old patterns. But the thought of ending things makes me physically sick, nausea churning up my throat. I came here for answers, and I’ve ended up with a sister-in-law in pieces, my future with Lily more uncertain than ever.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Finn and his stupid choices can go to hell.

Still crouched, Meryl glares at me. “Go,” she says, her suffering thick enough to choke on.

Instead of touching her again, I fist my hands and fold my arms. “I can’t leave you alone like this. Whatever Finn did, I’m sorry. I didn’t know about it, but if it was this bad, I’m really fucking sorry.”

She closes her eyes as if fortifying her defenses, then she pushes to her feet and scrubs her face. “Just go.” A silent tear slips down her cheek. “A friend is on her way over. She’ll be here soon. Please, Sawyer, go.”

Superpower wish: enhanced reflexes,
castrate my brother
.

That shitbag is going down.

“I’ll go if you promise to call me if you need anything.”

“Whatever. Fine. Just, please leave.”

She sniffles and drags her wrist under her nose, my favorite doctor reduced to a snotty, crying mess. When I don’t head for the door, she glares at me, waiting.

An
angry
, snotty, crying mess.

“I’m sorry,” I say again, for Finn, for my family, for anything and everything.

I leave amid her silence, the cold January air not enough to quell the anger coursing through my veins. My mind rages, unsure how Finn could be this reckless. This clueless. I thought he had it all. Mr. Marine Biology. Perfect wife. The two cutest kids on the planet.

He’s the greatest illusionist of our time.

I slam my car door and fire up the engine, revving it, letting the rumble roll through me. In here, I have power. Behind this wheel, I’m in control. The rest is chance, variability.

A plane crash. A shark attack. A satellite falling from the sky.

My brother cheating on his wife.

I peel out of the driveway. Finn may have left his wife to cry herself sick, but he can’t escape me. Or my fist. He probably slithered home, cowering in the safety of Mom’s house. The last time we came to blows was over Lynnette Archer, his ex I happened to see naked. In my bed. The day she dumped Finn. Not my finest moment. I let him hit me, a solid one to the ribs that throbbed for a month. We haven’t fought since. Apparently we’re overdue. The image of Meryl’s grief-stricken face pops into my mind, and I drive faster.

My jaw is locked by the time I get home, the pressure traveling down my neck and my jammed shoulders. Fucking Finn. I turn off the car, but my body still vibrates.

Damn him to hell.

His car’s not in the driveway. The asshole probably hid it in the garage. Fucker. I practically run to the front door and shove my key in the lock, but I pause, hope stalling my fingers. Maybe Meryl’s wrong. Maybe this is all a misunderstanding, some workplace friendship or something taken out of context.

Maybe.

As I open the door, raised voices carry from the kitchen, my mother clearly unhappy. Her pleading tone amplifies my anger. Oh, hell no. No way is Finn dragging her into this. She’s suffered enough. My dad. The cheating. She doesn’t need to relive all that through Finn’s mistakes, whatever they are. My boots thud with each heavy step. The red painting in the great room catches my eye as I round the corner toward the kitchen.

Red.
Redredred.

That’s all I see.

Then I freeze. Instead of Finn, my mother and father are in the kitchen, faces
red
, eyes
red
, arms flailing in argument. Tension snaps between them. My father sees me first and drops his head, dragging a hand through his hair, the usually styled strands standing on end. His cuffs are rolled, his dress pants pressed, but stubble dusts his always-clean-shaven jaw, dark circles under his eyes. My mother swivels then, and I lose my shit. Seeing Meryl was hard enough, but I won’t stand here while my mother’s in tears, the man who ruined her life back for round two.

“Sawyer,” she says, her tone pleading.

I barely hear her. I force myself between them and shove my father back. “Get away from her. I don’t know why you’re here, but I never want you in this house again. You’re a fucking virus. Leave us the hell alone.” They’re the same words Meryl shouted about Finn, what’s left of this family decaying at light speed.

“Sawyer, please, you don’t understand.”

I silence my mother with my hand. “It’s okay, Ma. I got this. I won’t let him hurt you again.”

My father licks his lips, resignation on his face. He rakes his hair. “I can’t do this anymore, Evelyn. It has to stop.”

She pushes me aside and stands between us, her eyes on me, wild with what looks like fear. And determination. Like him, she’s dressed for the country club: white blouse, pencil skirt, high heels. Only her face betrays their argument. “You’re right, Jack. It’s time. No more lies. Sawyer deserves to know. He
needs
to know.”

That doesn’t sound good.

I take one step back. Two. My temples pulse. “Is this about Finn and Meryl?”

Please let it be about Finn and Meryl. I can’t handle another bomb tonight. The shrapnel from Finn’s grenade is still imbedded in my skin, shards cutting deep enough that I’m questioning what I have with Lily. Anything more and I’ll become the Hulk, pumped with rage and helplessness. Anything more and I’ll smash skulls, alone for eternity.

She blinks and wipes her eyes. “What’s wrong with Finn and Meryl?”

Not
Finn and Meryl. Christ. I should take off, get the hell out of here before more of my world explodes, but I stand rooted, pulled by morbid curiosity. “We can talk about Finn later. What do I need to know?”

My father shifts on his feet, waiting on her. “If you don’t tell him, Evelyn, I will.”

She shakes her head, dark strands sticking to her tearstained cheeks. “No, no. I will. It’s my fault. It’s time.”

My pulse slows, my vision suddenly hazy, like I know they’re about to feed me kryptonite and watch me weaken. Do I have a secret sibling? Did one of them do something illegal? I lean on the island countertop, needing something, anything to hold me up. I wish that something were Lily. I’d press my face into her neck, breathe her in, tune out this madness. But she’s not here.

“When your father left,” my mother says, “when you were eight, it wasn’t because he cheated on me.” She presses her hand over her heart, and I grip the counter tighter. “It was because I cheated on him.”

This isn’t a bomb. This is anthrax, napalm, nerve gas, nuclear war.

My mother is a fraud.

The woman who taught me please and thank you lied to me for years. The woman I tiptoed around, terrified she’d overdose again, was a victim of her own treachery. My mind eddies, rough currents stuck in a choke hold, dragging me down. She’s as bad as Finn, my gene pool destined to cheat and lie. There’s no hope for me, no glass half-full. All these years, I’ve been fed bullshit and didn’t even know it.

I shove off the counter and crowd her space. “Why? Why didn’t you tell me? And why the hell did you take those pills? If you weren’t mad at him, why would you do it?”

Her bottom lip quivers. “I was mad at myself and scared. At the time, it seemed like the quickest way to stop the pain, even though I caused it. When I woke up in the hospital, you were so angry, furious with your father for what you thought he’d done. I panicked. I was weak. I was terrified if you knew, you’d turn that rage onto me, and I’d lose you.”

I shake my head, jerky movements as I back up, a vise tightening around my temples. It’s too much. All too much. My father covered for her.
Lies.
She let me blame him.
Lies.
She fucked around on him. Finn fucked around on Meryl. My father fucked half the city as retribution.

A world built on lies.

Her tear-filled eyes widen as I flip around, a sobbing “Sawyer” called as I stride for the door, rage fueling my stride. I’m done with this family. I need to get away from them, from the treachery. Nothing good comes from them. Nothing good will come from me. My future unfolds before my eyes, a dusty landscape.
Mad Max.
A lone traveler on the march. Lily may soothe me, but the best I can do for her is shield her from this. Not let her anywhere near me or my family. Even if I don’t cheat on her, I’ll make a bad decision down the road, and she’ll suffer. Ending things will hurt.
Fuck
, will it cut deep. But she has a therapist—someone to help her—and she has Shay, Raven, and her folks. She even has Kevin, although the thought of her seeking his comfort makes me want to gouge out my eyes. But he was right; I’m no good for her.