A Family to Be (Saddle Falls) (4 page)

“Four months?” Josh repeated dully, glancing at her belly again, then quickly lifting his stunned gaze to hers as he did the calculations. “Em, that’s only sixteen weeks away.”

He rubbed his forehead where a tension headache had started. “Em, are you telling me you’re alone
and
pregnant?” he asked as every implication, problem and complication of being alone and pregnant marched through his legal mind, one by one, only intensifying his alarm.

“Yep, Josh, I imagine that’s what I’m telling you,” she said with a grin, amused by his apparent panic.

“Em, this isn’t funny,” he said in a tone of voice that made her roll her eyes. She knew better than anyone that her situation wasn’t funny. She’d lived through it and knew she hadn’t exactly had a barrel of laughs the past few months, and she really didn’t need Josh pointing out the fact to her.

“No, it isn’t, Josh,” she said carefully, bracing a hand on the couch seat as another bout of dizziness hit. She took a slow, deep breath. “What’s funny is your reaction. I’m not the first woman to have a baby on her own, and I’d bet I won’t be the last, either.”

“Yeah, but Em…” Exasperated, his voice trailed off and he shook his head, scrubbing his hands over his face. For an instant, another single pregnant woman flashed through his mind; a woman who had been too wrapped up in her career to have time or concern for her unborn child. So she’d merely…disposed of the child so she wouldn’t have to be bothered.

His
child, he thought bitterly, the pain and loss still so fresh after all this time it stunned him. He’d wanted his child, wanted the baby’s mother as well, but Melanie hadn’t wanted either of them, only her precious law career. She’d rebuffed his help, and his love, choosing instead to destroy the child he’d believed had been created in love.

He’d allowed himself to love her—and she’d betrayed him in a most hurtful way, hitting at the heart of him, destroying both his child and his love for her, as well as his ability to ever trust a woman again.

Banishing his own painful memories, Josh blew out a breath. “Em, where on earth is the baby’s father?” he demanded, unable to stop the anger from seeping into his voice. “And why isn’t he here taking care of you and the baby?”

“Well,” Em said with a little sigh, trying to make light of the situation. “Last I heard he was somewhere in Guam.” She shrugged, toying with the blanket Josh had earlier tossed over her. “But knowing Jack, he could be just about anywhere.”

“Guam?”
Josh repeated as if he hadn’t quite heard her correctly. Realizing he had, his rare but real Irish temper blew. “Em, what the hell is the man doing in Guam?”

She shrugged again, trying not to grind her teeth together at his tone. “Well, Josh, that’s a question I guess you, me and the United States Army might all like answered.” She glanced down at her jeans, smoothing out a wrinkle, trying not to show how much simply saying the words aloud—admitting Jack’s abandonment—hurt. “About five months ago, he went to Guam on temporary duty assignment.” She shrugged. “That’s the last I heard from him. Apparently he went AWOL. No one’s heard from him since.”

A muscle in his jaw jerked, and his gaze narrowed. “Doesn’t he know about the baby?”

“Yes, Josh, he knows,” she said, forcing herself to meet his gaze, aware of the sadness and shame rolling over her. Admitting that her husband didn’t want
her
was one thing, admitting he didn’t want their
baby
was quite another. It hurt worse than she’d imagined.

“Are you telling me he took off because he didn’t want his own child?” Josh asked in a deliberately quiet voice. A voice that, as kids, everyone in town knew was trouble. Em wanted to sigh again.

“Yes, Josh, that’s exactly what I’m telling you.” She laced her hands together in her lap so he wouldn’t see them trembling.

“He just abandoned you and the baby?” The idea was so simply inconceivable to Josh he couldn’t seem to comprehend how anyone could do something so incredibly despicable.

The look that swept over Em’s features was more than enough of an answer for him and Josh felt something deep and foreign tug at his heart.

How on earth could a man just go off and leave his wife and unborn child to fend for themselves? he wondered. What kind of man abandoned his pregnant wife and child?

Scrubbing a hand over his face again, trying to garner some control, Josh realized this was not something he could ever even fathom, let alone understand. The notion was so against everything he believed that he simply couldn’t comprehend it.

As a Ryan, he’d grown up knowing—believing that family was everything. Perhaps that’s why Melanie’s actions had been so devastating to him, so much so that to this day he still hadn’t gotten over it, still grieved for the child he’d never even been given a chance to know or love.

He’d never been able to forgive Melanie for destroying their child, or himself for not protecting it.

But to know that Em’s husband had so callously and carelessly walked away from her knowing she was expecting, well, the man deserved to be shot. At the very least.

“Em, why?” He had to know, had to try to understand why and how a man could do something like this to his own wife, the one person in the world he should have loved and protected more than anyone else. “Why on earth would your husband just abandon you and the baby?”

“I’m not sure, Josh. Jack wasn’t exactly what you’d call great father material,” she admitted honestly. “Nor great husband material if you want to know the truth.” With a sigh, she dragged a hand through her hair. “When I ran off to marry him, I thought for sure I was finally going to have the home and family I wanted.” Her smile was sad and rueful, making Josh reach for her hand. “I realized too late that what I was really doing was running away from Daddy. Little did I know I was running from the frying pan into the fire.” She forced a bright smile. “But I took a vow, Josh.” She shrugged. “And I intended to honor it. I thought I could make it work.”

“But it didn’t?” he asked quietly.

“Not by a long shot,” she admitted. “Of course, it would have if I wouldn’t have minded the other women and the partying—”

Josh’s gaze narrowed and unconsciously his fists clenched. “He cheated on you?” he said in a tone of voice that was so shocked she wanted to give him a pat in comfort. Knowing how the Ryan boys were all raised to believe that family and marriage was sacred, cheating on your spouse was not something that would ever enter their minds. Or be condoned or tolerated. Too bad Jack didn’t have the same ideals.

“Right from the beginning,” she admitted, wondering why it no longer hurt. “It didn’t take me long to realize I’d made a mistake. But you know how I feel about marriage and family.” Blowing out a pent-up breath, Em shoved a wad of bangs out of her eyes, unwilling to admit that at the time, she’d wanted the fairy tale, the home and loving family she’d never had enough to overlook Jack’s blatant behavior. And at the time, she’d blamed herself for her husband’s infidelities. She thought if she’d been a better wife, a better lover…Em’s thoughts broke off and she clenched her hands together in her lap. No, she wasn’t going to do that ever again. Never again would she accept responsibility for someone else’s actions.

It had taken her several years to realize her husband’s shortcomings had nothing to do with her as a person or a woman. He’d merely used her as an excuse for his inexcusable behavior. Perhaps if she’d been older or wiser, perhaps if she hadn’t clung to the belief that the fairy tale was out there and she could have it if she just tried harder, she would have realized the reality of the situation sooner and saved herself years of grief.

“I understand, Em,” Josh said quietly, his heart aching for her. Knowing how important, how sacred marriage and family were to her, her husband’s disregard for their marriage vows must have been a crippling blow to her.

“Well, when I got pregnant, I was thrilled,” she said, her eyes glowing happily. “You know how I feel about children.” Some of the light dimmed in her eyes. “I thought for certain it was just the thing to make Jack grow up and see exactly how wonderful having a family could be. I thought for sure he would finally settle down.”

“Apparently he had other ideas,” Josh commented.

She nodded. “While I was thrilled about the baby, Jack on the other hand was afraid a baby might cramp his…lifestyle,” Em added, unwilling to make excuses for her ex-husband any longer.

“Cramp his life—” Josh broke off, muttering a few oaths under his breath. “So basically, he didn’t want the baby, is that it?”

“In a nutshell,” Em admitted with a weary sigh.

“Em, when did this happen? I mean, how long ago did he abandon you?”

“Right after I told him I was pregnant.” She shrugged, glancing across the room. “About five months ago to be exact.”

His gaze searched hers. “What did you do?” he asked quietly, knowing she hadn’t gone to her father for help.

She shrugged. “The best I could, Josh. Once it was confirmed that Jack had indeed gone AWOL, I was ordered out of military housing.”

“They kicked you out of your home?” Josh asked.

“Well, Josh, the military sort of considered it their home, and yes, to answer your question. I was asked—actually ordered—to move out of military housing. And with Jack AWOL obviously there was no paycheck coming in….” Her voice trailed off. She was unable to even think about that horrible time and the panic and fear she’d endured. “I’d talked to Jack’s commanding officer, but finding one AWOL soldier is hardly at the top of the list of the army’s priorities.” She shrugged. “They promised to keep me informed if he was located, but that was about all they could do. So, I had no choice. I filed for divorce on the grounds of abandonment, moved out of military housing and tried to find some kind of work. I— I was having morning sickness really bad, even more so in the beginning than now, so I couldn’t hold a job, and—” She stopped when Josh held up his hand.

He didn’t think he could bear to hear the anguish she’d gone through, knowing she was alone and terrified, with no one to turn to, no one to count on during what should have been the happiest time of her life. He didn’t think he could bear to see the fear and terror in her eyes, a fear and terror she was trying to hide behind some kind of false bravado that was only annoying him to no end.

If her ex-husband was smart, he’d stay in Guam, Josh thought, his fists clenching unconsciously. It would save him the trouble of…teaching him a lesson in responsibility.

“Em, I’m sorry, I truly am.” He wanted to grab her up and hold her, to soothe the pain and hurt and the remaining fear in her eyes. “Why didn’t you come home?”

“Home?” She laughed, but the sound was soft and bitter. “Josh, I never had a home, remember? When I told my father I was dropping out of college to marry Jack, he warned me that Jack was no good, that if I went through with the marriage, I couldn’t come crying to him when it went bad.” She blinked back tears. “He told me if I left that day I could never come home again.” Sniffling, she swiped her nose, snuggling deeper into the couch. “He meant it, Josh.”

“Em,” Josh said, knowing he couldn’t argue with her because what she’d said was true. Her father had been a bitter, cold man, incapable of showing love, but Josh had always believed in his own way that Em’s father
had
loved her. “You could have called me.” Tenderly, he stroked a hand down her hair. “You could always come to me, Em, you know that. No matter what.”

Hearing the words only made the tears flow faster because she knew Josh meant them.
Dear, sweet Josh.
No matter what, he’d always been there for her regardless of the circumstances, and she loved him for it.

“I suppose on some level I knew that, Josh. Truly,” she added when he frowned. “But you have to understand something. I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m an adult, Josh, a fully functioning capable adult about to become a mother. And I figured it was time I finally stood up on my own two feet.”

Never again would she depend on a man for her happiness or security, nor for her child’s. She would take care of her child herself. And do a fine job of it as well, she thought firmly.

“Yeah, but Em, be reasonable here—”

“Reasonable?” One brow rose at his tone. She knew where this was going and wanted to head him off at the pass. “Josh, listen to me. I appreciate your concern. Truly I do,” she added, touching his arm. “But I don’t need Jack or any other man, and neither does the baby. I am quite capable of taking care of myself and my baby. I’m going to have my baby, run the diner,
and
live in Daddy’s house.” Slowly she began to rub her stomach, feeling a strong, maternal connection to her precious child. “I’ll make a home for myself and my child on my own without anyone’s help,” she added softly.

Josh pressed his palms together and prayed for patience. No wonder Em looked so pale, so fragile, so unbearably vulnerable. After what she’d been through… Unable to even bear thinking about it, Josh blew out a frustrated breath.

Now that her father was gone, and her husband as well, she was totally alone, with no support system, no backup. No one to help or support her, either financially or emotionally.

The thought caused the protective instincts that had stirred earlier in the day to intensify and Josh had the urge to throttle the man who had put Em in this position.

She obviously had no idea what she was in for, obviously hadn’t had time to think this through. She was probably just in shock. With her husband’s abandonment and then her father’s death, no wonder she didn’t realize the absolute seriousness of her situation.

“Em, listen to me, I really don’t think it’s wise for you to even think about running the diner in your condition. I have a couple of good prospects who are interested in buying the—”

“My
condition?
” she repeated slowly, a flush of anger warming her face. “Josh, I’m
pregnant.
Not incompetent or incapacitated. I’m a perfectly healthy, normal woman, and there’s absolutely no reason why I can’t run the diner
and
have a baby. One doesn’t necessary preclude the other. Millions of single women continue working while they’re pregnant. It’s not that big of a deal nowadays, Josh. In case you haven’t heard.”