A Christmas Bride (20 page)

“They will. I am asking Kayleen to marry me. What more could she want?”

Lina’s smile widened. “I can’t think of a single thing.”

* * *

KAYLEEN RAN AND ran until she found herself outside. The bright, sunny morning seemed to be mocking her as she wandered through the curving paths. How could everything here be so beautiful when she felt so awful inside?

What had she done? How could she have slept with As’ad? A few kisses and she’d given in? What did that make her?

She found a bench and sat down. The stone was warm to her touch, almost as if it were trying to offer comfort. Her eyes burned as she longed for someone to talk to. Someone to advise her. But who? She didn’t feel comfortable discussing something so personal with the other teachers she’d worked with. Especially after moving to the palace. She was too ashamed to call her Mother Superior back home. Normally she would go to Lina, but how to explain to her what she’d done? As’ad was Lina’s nephew.

Besides, Kayleen couldn’t bear to see disappointment in her friend’s eyes.

All the regrets she’d been so happy not to feel seemed to crash in on her. Not regret for what she’d done, but for the consequences, which made her horribly weak. Her regrets were about her future, not her past.

How could she return home now? How could she walk into that place where she’d grown up and had longed to return, knowing she had given in to the first man who asked? It wasn’t that she feared punishment, it was that she didn’t know who she was anymore.

She stood abruptly and started walking. An odd sound caught her attention.

She turned toward it and saw a large cage filled with doves. They were beautiful, so white and lovely in the sunlight. She watched them hop from perch to perch.

Her dream was gone, she thought. Her plans, her hopes. Now she was trapped here. Nanny to the girls until they were too old to need her or until As’ad replaced her. She was at his mercy. And then what? Another job? Where? Doing what?

She didn’t know who she was anymore. What she wanted. What she should do.

Impulsively she leaned toward the cage and opened the door. The doves chirped in excitement, then in a rush, flew out and up, disappearing into the brilliant blue sky.

“Fly away,” she whispered. “Fly and be free.”

“I do that myself.”

Kayleen jumped and turned toward the speaker. She was stunned to find the king standing on
the path.

Horror swept through her. She’d just set free royal doves.

“I... I...”

King Mukhtar smiled kindly. “Don’t worry, child. It’s difficult to resist setting them loose. There is no need for concern. They always return. It is their nature. This is their home. They can’t escape their destiny.”

She knew he meant the words to be reassuring, but they cut through her. Yesterday she had known her own destiny, but today she was less sure. What was her place? Where did she belong? What happened now?

“Are you enjoying living at the palace?” the king asked. “You are treated well?”

His question nearly made her laugh. But she was afraid that if she started to laugh, she wouldn’t stop and then she would start crying. Hysterics would lead to a lot of questions she didn’t want to answer.

“Everything is lovely,” she said, doing her best to keep her emotions in check. “The palace is beautiful. I’ve been studying the history of the building and of your people. There is a long tradition of bravery in battle.”

“The desert runs in our blood. We were warriors long before we were rulers.”

“It must be difficult to leave the desert,” she told him. “The beauty, the wildness, the tradition. The nomads live as they always have.”

“With few modern conveniences,” he said with a smile. “Much can be endured if one has excellent plumbing.”

She gave a little giggle, which seemed to take a sharp turn at the end. She swallowed the sound. “But to walk in the steps of those who have gone before would be a fair compensation.”

“So says the woman who has not experienced desert life. Spend a week with my people and then we will have this conversation again.”

She nodded. “I would like that.”

She spoke the truth. There was something appealing about simplicity right now. About having the rules of one’s life spelled out. Too many choices could be complicated.

If she had never left the convent school in the first place, she wouldn’t have met As’ad and none of this would have happened. Yet was it equally wrong to hide from the world? To take the safe and, therefore, easy road? To never test herself? Is that what she’d been supposed to learn?

“I just don’t know,” she said.

The king looked quizzical. “What troubles you, child?”

“Nothing.” She felt tears burning in her eyes. “I... I’m sorry. I don’t feel well. Please excuse me.”

She gave a little bow, then hurried away. When she’d taken a turn in the path and knew she was out of sight, she began to run. The only problem was there was nowhere else to go.

* * *

AS’AD WALKED TO Kayleen’s suite, knocked, then entered. He found her in her room, curled up on the bed, sobbing as if her heart was broken.

He stared at her for a moment, feeling both compassion and a sense of certainty that his good news would erase her tears. He allowed himself to anticipate her sweet kisses when he proposed. How she would be so excited and grateful. Perhaps they would make love again. He was more than ready, although he would have to be careful so that he did not hurt her. She was new to the sensual world and too much attention in too short a time would leave her sore.

He walked to the side of the bed. “Kayleen.”

“Go away.”

“I will not. Sit up. I wish to speak to you.”

“No. I don’t want to talk. This isn’t your problem.”

“Of course it is. I caused it.”

She continued to cry, which surprised him. She’d seemed fine when he’d left her last night. A woman should not be left alone with her thoughts. It only created trouble.

“Kayleen—”

“Go
away.
”

He considered the situation, then sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her upright. She ducked her head, refusing to look at him. He drew her against him.

“It is not as bad as all that.”

“Of course it is.” Her body shook with the force of her sobs. “I have betrayed everything I believe in. I’m not the person I thought. I gave myself to you without thinking it through. I barely know you. I don’t love you. You’re just some guy. What does that say about me?”

Some guy? He was Prince As’ad of El Deharia. He was royal and a sheik. Women
begged
him to claim them for just a single night.

“I honored you,” he told her curtly.

“It wasn’t an honor to me.”

What? He pushed away his annoyance. She was emotional, he told himself. She wasn’t thinking clearly.

“Kayleen, we share a connection with the girls. You see me as a friend and someone you can trust. It is natural you would turn to me easily.”

She looked at him, her eyes swollen and red. “It’s not natural to me. I’m supposed to wait until I’m in love and married.”

“Sometimes it is difficult to resist the pull of sensual need.”

She hiccuped. “You’re saying I gave in because I wanted to do it and you just happened to be there? That’s supposed to make me feel better?”

Why was she deliberately misunderstanding him? “Not at all,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’m saying that I am an experienced man. I know what to do to awaken that part of a woman.”

“So you tricked me? While I appreciate the effort, it’s not working. I have a responsibility in this. I have to deal with what happened, what I did and what it says about me.”

“I did not trick you.”

She shifted away and stood. “Whatever. You can go now.”

“I am not leaving,” he said as he rose to his feet. “Kayleen, you are missing the point of my visit.”

She wiped her cheeks with her fingers. “What’s the point?”

Not exactly the opening he’d imagined. He cleared his throat. “It occurs to me that you were not in a position to consider the ramifications of what happened to us. You were lost in the moment, not realizing that by giving in to me you were destroying your most precious gift and—”

Fresh tears filled her eyes. “How could you?” she breathed and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

He stared in disbelief. She’d walked away from him?

He followed her to the closed door. “Kayleen, please come out here at once.”

“Go away. I have to figure this out and you’re not helping.”

He opened the door and stepped into the bathroom. “You will listen to me. I am here to make this better. I am here to fix your problem.”

She shook her head. “You can’t fix anything. I’ve lost everything I wanted.”

“You have lost nothing. You are not a woman to be locked away. You deserve more than that and I am going to give it to you. Think of being married, of having a family to fill your day, children of your own.” He paused to give her a chance to brace herself for the honor he would bestow upon her.

“Kayleen, I will marry you.”

He smiled at her, waiting for her tears to dry. Instead more fell. Perhaps she did not understand.

“You will be my wife. You will live here, with me. In the palace. I have taken your virginity, therefore I will return your honor to you by marrying you. You will carry my name.”

He waited, but she said nothing. She didn’t even look at him.

“All right. I see you are having trouble understanding all this. It is unlikely you ever allowed yourself to dream of such a life. In time you will be able to believe this has truly happened. Until then, you can thank me and accept. That is enough.”

She raised her gaze to stare at him. Something hot and bright burned in her eyes, but it wasn’t happiness or gratitude.

“Thank you?” she repeated, her voice high and shrill. “
Thank
you? I’m not going to thank you. I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man alive.”

He was so stunned that when she shoved him, he took a step back. The bathroom door slammed shut in his face and he heard the bolt shoot home.

CHAPTER NINE

“TAKE ANOTHER DRINK of tea,” Lina said soothingly.

Kayleen wrinkled her nose. The brew was a nasty herbal concoction that tasted like wet carpet smelled, but her friend assured her it would help. At this point, Kayleen was open to any suggestions.

She finished the mug and set it on the table, then grabbed a cookie she didn’t want to get the taste out of her mouth.

“Better?” Lina asked.

Kayleen nodded because it was expected. In truth she didn’t feel better, she felt awful. She still couldn’t get herself to understand what had happened or how she’d so quickly and easily lost her moral compass. Yes, As’ad was handsome and charming and an amazing kisser, but she should have been stronger than that.

Lina sighed. “I can see by the look on your face that you’re still beating yourself up. You need to let it go. Men like my nephew have been tempting women since the beginning of time.”

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the information,” Kayleen murmured. “It’s just...”

“It doesn’t help,” Lina said kindly.

“Sort of. I feel so stupid and inexperienced.”

“At least you’re more experienced than you were.”

Despite everything, Kayleen smiled. “That’s true. I won’t fall for that again. Next time, I’ll resist.”

Assuming there was a next time. Her last meeting with As’ad had ended badly. He had to be furious.

“He was serious about marrying you,” Lina told her. “Don’t dismiss that.”

“I didn’t have a choice. He didn’t propose—he commanded, then he expected me to be grateful. I know he’s part of your family and you love him, but that wasn’t a proposal, Lina. He’s just so...”

“Imperious?”

“Among other things.”

And it hurt, Kayleen admitted to herself. That he would talk to her that way. If he’d come to her with compassion, truly understanding what she was going through, she would have been appreciative of what he offered. She might have been tempted to say yes. At least then her world would have been set right. But to act the way he did?

“I understand,” Lina said. “As’ad is like most princes—used to being impressive. He handled the situation badly and violated your romantic fantasy at the same time.”

Kayleen frowned. “I don’t have a romantic fantasy.”

“Don’t you?”

An interesting question. She’d never really thought about getting married and having a family, so she’d never really thought about a proposal. But if she had, it would have been different. Flowers and candlelight and a man promising to love her forever.

The image was clear enough to touch, she thought ruefully.

“Okay, maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t allow myself to believe it would ever happen, but deep down inside, I wanted more than instructions and an order to feel grateful.”

Lina winced. “That bad?”

“Oh, yeah. The only good news is I slammed the bathroom door in his face. I don’t think that happens to As’ad very much.” She touched her stomach, as if she could rub away the knot that had formed inside. If As’ad was angry enough, he could send her away and she might never see the girls again. “How mad is he?”