A Blink of the Screen (31 page)

For several months the only result was a noticeable upsurge in the sales of several titles. Things came to a head, however, when a Miss Epetheme Slaybell’s small, privately published volume entitled
Thoughts from a Country Garden
won several highly contested literary awards, and was praised by a judge for its ‘bold and controversial stance on the subject of primroses’.

Mr Scroop died aged 84, and is buried in Small Gods Cemetery, Ankh-Morpork. His tombstone, including the inscription, may be inspected by private arrangement with the head gravedigger, since in deference to public opinion it is kept wrapped in plain brown paper.

SIGNITUS

A minor but chronic ailment, which causes the sufferer to groan and sometimes run away at the sight of anyone holding more than three books. Brandy has been found to relieve the symptoms, possibly with the addition of more brandy.

BURSARITIS (CHRONIC CON-TINENCE)

The illusion that you have brought hundreds of people a long way in order to celebrate something that doesn’t really exist. Symptoms are manic-depression, a fixed waxy smile, and a tendency, unless physically prevented from doing so, to sell T-shirts at people. Those afflicted may shout things like ‘Only 1,978 mugs to sell before we break even!’
WARNING:
sufferers may spontaneously combust if woken suddenly from their trance-like state, and it is best to humour them until they wake up of their own accord. Be kind to these people. It is not their fault.

These notes were supplied by Dr Peristyle Slack, Ankh-Morpork Guild of Barber-Surgeons – ‘Come to Us for a Close Shave’
.

THUD: A HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE

T
HUD:
T
HE
D
ISCWORLD
B
OARD
G
AME
,
T
REVOR
T
RURAN, 2002

We get at least one approach every month about Discworld board games. Many of them are fine, but too often the Discworld name has been pasted on to something generic, or Discworld history would need a major rewrite in order to fit the game. Letters burble: ‘In this game there is a big war between the wizards and the witches …’ Uh, no, I don’t think there is
.

But Trevor Truran, who designs games the way other people breathe, came up with something good in ‘Koom Valley’ – the game’s working title. It was what I’d asked for: a true Discworld game, a game that could reasonably exist and be played there. It pitches dwarfs against trolls – a conflict hallowed by time – and, in order to play a complete game you have to play both sides, which was a specification I hadn’t laid down but which was exactly what I wanted. A game which forces you to think and play like your hereditary enemy could be extremely useful to a thoughtful author. It had the right feel, in short, and slotted neatly into Discworld history
.

It looked easy to play, but championship players have told me it can stretch the mind more than chess. It also gave me the germ of a plot, which quite soon afterwards got written.
¹

All that remained was to choose the name, which was obvious
…

The role of games in the histories of both dwarfs and trolls has been very important.

Perhaps the most famous was the dwarfish game of
Hnaflbaflsniflwhifltafl
, devised by the cunning inventor Morose Stronginthearm for Hugen, Low King of the Dwarfs. Hugen had asked for a game that would teach young dwarfs the virtues of preparedness, strategy, boldness, and quick thinking, and Morose came up with a board game that has some early resemblance to the Thud board.

The game swept through the dwarfish world, and was very popular. Hugen, being well pleased, asked Morose what he wanted as a reward. The inventor is on record as saying: ‘If it please you, your majesty, I ask for nothing more than that you should place one
plk
[a small gold piece then in general circulation] on the first square, two on the second, four on the third, and so on until the board is filled.’

The king readily agreed to this, and had a sack of gold brought from the treasury. However, the count had not been going on for very long before it became clear that what Morose had asked for was, in fact, all the gold in the universe.

This presented a problem for the king, who had given his word, but he solved it by producing his axe and ordering two of his servants to drag Morose over to the window, where the light was better. At this point Morose hastily amended his request to ‘as much
gold
as he could carry’, whereupon Hugen agreed and merely had one of Morose’s arms broken. ‘For,’ he said, ‘all should know that while
Hnaflbaflsniflwhifltafl
teaches preparedness, strategy, boldness, and quick thinking, it is also important to know when not to be too
drhg’hgin
clever by half.’

Troll games are closely bound up with troll religion and some are quite hard to understand. There is a game like a simplified form of chess, in which play consists of putting the pieces on the board and waiting for them to move, and another in which stones are thrown up into the air and players bet on whether or not they will come down. Quite a lot of money can be won that way.

Koom Valley

The traditional enmity between dwarfs and trolls has been explained away by one simple statement: one species is made of rock, the other is made of miners. But in truth the enmity is there because no one can remember when it wasn’t, and so it continues because everything is done in completely justifiable revenge for the revenge that was taken in response to the revenge for the vengeance that was taken earlier, and so on. Humans never do this sort of thing, much.

There are at least three sites in Koom claiming to be
the
Koom Valley and at least fourteen major battles are now believed to have been fought there, wherever
there
turns out to be.

The most likely site of Koom Valley, which is in Koom Valley, is a lonely, forebidding place. Even stormclouds go around it. It has been suggested by some wizards in the History Department at Unseen University that the rock formations in the valley, in the path of the prevailing winds, vibrate at a frequency that causes considerable unease and ill-temper in the brains of dwarfs, trolls and men, but attempts to prove this experimentally have failed three
times
because of fights breaking out amongst the researchers.

The most recent battle involved a party of young dwarfs from Ankh-Morpork, who were visiting the area as part of a cultural tour. City dwarfs feel that it is very important for their offspring to stay in touch with the roots of dwarfishness, and often send them back to Copperhead or Überwald for what is known as some ‘mine time’. On this day, unfortunately, a party of young trolls were also visiting the area for very similar reasons, and after some name-calling the two tour groups fell to fighting and gave a very spirited re-creation of the earlier battles.

Thud

The game of Thud was devised as an alternative to the fighting. It was considered by some older dwarfs and trolls that a non-fatal means of contest might be a boon to peace in the mountains and, besides, they were running out of people. And, in recognition of the general state of all unsuccessful fighters in the wars, it is a game of two halves.

For according to the trollish philosopher Plateau, ‘if you wants to understan’ an enemy, you gotta walk a mile in his shoes. Den, if he’s still your enemy, at least you’re a mile away and he’s got no shoes.’

Legend says that a large war party of dwarfs and a smaller one of trolls were hunting one another in the valley, and that on this occasion the leader of the trolls tried an artful strategy. Usually, both groups would hunt each other among the big rocks that litter the valley, but this time the troll leader positioned his company right out in the middle of a stretch of open ground, reasoning that the dwarfs would never look there.

‘After all,’ he is recorded as saying, ‘dey always find us when we hide behind fings ’cos dey look behind fings, so if we stands
out
in the open they won’t find us
’cos dere’s nuffin to look behind
.’

This major step in trollish thinking had some success because of the heavy fog that, most unusually, had fallen that morning. However, it lifted shortly after sunrise, and the trolls were, to the confoundment of what seemed like impeccable logic, immediately spotted. Battle ensued, both sides claiming foul play on the part of the other, and both sides claiming to have won.

The Thud game seeks to re-create this and has been credited with seriously reducing the number of major wars between dwarfs and trolls, replacing them instead with innumerable bar-room scuffles in which Thud boards, and sometimes pieces, are used as the weapons. But since this becomes merely a police matter, it counts as peace …

¹
And was called, amazingly enough,
Thud!

A FEW WORDS FROM LORD HAVELOCK VETINARI

O
N THE OCCASION OF THE TWINNING OF
A
NKH-
M
ORPORK WITH
W
INCANTON, 2002

This address was written by me, Terry Pratchett, and delivered with appropriate solemnity by Stephen Briggs, who has often played the part of Lord Vetinari in amateur dramatic plays: frankly, it’s hard to get him out of the costume! A bewildered bystander, I watched the twinning, which was of course attended by many, many fans wearing strange and exotic garments, in some cases quite possibly the same garments that they wear every day – but even they were very nearly outdone by the people of Ankh-Morpork who came out dressed, as they say, ‘en fête’. It was one of those occasions when some time afterwards you wake up and think ‘Did that really happen?’ And, on enquiring, I am very glad to hear that it did
.

My friends …

It is with extreme pleasure that I welcome this – I believe – very
first
twinning between one real and one apparently unreal city. I say apparently because here in Ankh-Morpork we are taking firm steps to make it clear to our citizens that there is indeed a place called Wincanton and that it hasn’t just been made up.

Fortunately we in Ankh-Morpork have the advantage of being the home of Unseen University, whose magical library potentially contains any book that will ever be written anywhere. And it was here, after some searching, we located
A Specially Written Guide to Wincanton
.

We learned that it is a town noted for the extreme wisdom of its men and the unsurpassed beauty of its women, for its racecourse and for its traditional manufacture of some wondrous thing known as ‘bed ticking’. Beyond that, it would appear that it does what my town does, which is to buckle down and make sure that tomorrow happens.

But we noted with particular interest its provision of large breakfasts to the passing world. According to the wizards of Unseen University, who are no strangers to the art of the knife and fork, this is surely one of the noblest activities of mankind. We find, though, that after provisioning the hungry traveller the citizens of Wincanton let them continue on their way with most of their money intact, an oversight which would not be allowed in my own city, let me assure you.

Since an experimental portal was accidentally opened in the High Street, the citizenry may have noticed, in recent years, the occasional strange-garbed yet free-spending visitor from my world, just as we have occasionally received lost souls looking for a really good breakfast or the way back to a place called ‘the Ae Three oh Three’. After a meeting with your venerable councillors, it was decided that the only way to resolve the problem was to make this link formal.

And thus to the people of Wincanton we most heartily extend our hand of friendship, with the other hand hidden behind our backs, and I for one am looking forward to some big sausages and hearing my bed tick.

Lord Havelock Vetinari

Patrician of Ankh-Morpork

DEATH AND WHAT COMES NEXT