A Bar Tender Tale (5 page)

“Tazz, we don’t have time—” Jimmy tried to rein him in.

“There’s always time for Gaz fun!” Tazz insisted, yanking his T-shirt off. “Nath, do you have a camera phone?” Nathan was way ahead of him, pulling out his phone and scrambling for the right setting. “Mate, if you’re jumping on Gaz then I’m filming it! Jimmy, watch the bar.” A Bar Tender Tale |
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Jimmy rolled his eyes as he sat down on a stool. “Make sure you film Gaz beating the crap out of you both for waking him up.”

“Yeah!”

“Will do!”

Nathan and Tazz disappeared through the staff door and ran upstairs. Tazz unbuckled his baggy shorts and slid them down to his knees along the way, trying not to trip over.

Behind him, Nathan admired the view. “Nice boxers.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Tazz waved at him, unconcerned. “You can put it in the wank bank for later, mate.”

“Why thank you.” Nathan smiled. “I’ll do that.” Who needed dates when his straight friends stripped down to their underwear on a regular basis?

On the threshold of Gary’s bedroom, Tazz kicked off his shorts, and they crept inside. The rumbling snore from the large man on the bed reverberated off the walls. Gary was shirtless, while the rest of him was under the duvet. Nathan set his camera to film, doing a close up of Gary’s face snoring before Tazz leapt on him, wearing only his boxers and shoes.

Gary woke up with a surprised grunt as Tazz thrashed around with the duvet, trying to burrow underneath. “No, Gaz! You can’t have me! Stop it, Gaz!”

“What the…?”

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Nathan was in stitches and tried to keep the camera still, filming the reaction on Gary’s face as he realized who had invaded his bed.

“How did you get in here?” Gary threw his body weight onto Tazz, smothering him with the duvet. Nathan could only see Tazz’s tattooed arms and legs wriggling in the air as he tried to get free.

“I could sell this to a porn site,” Nathan said. “I’ll call it

‘a bear and his boy’!”

“Oh, you as well? Come here!” Gary turned around and lunged at him. Nathan ducked out of the way and was pleased to see Tazz burst out from the duvet to tackle Gary from behind.

“Run, Nath, run!” Tazz shouted in comic horror. “I’ll slow him down!”

Nathan trod backwards carefully, still filming. He almost tripped over Tazz’s shorts but managed to stay upright. Like King Kong, Gary was trying to swat Tazz away like a minor annoyance who kept coming back and making jokes about

“awakening the kracken.”

Gary finally pushed Tazz away and stood up. Nathan turned off his camera and beat a hasty retreat down the stairs. He sought refuge in the bar, where Jimmy had helped himself to a soda.

“Has he decked Tazz yet?”

“He’s too sleepy,” Nathan said with a laugh. “I’m gonna put this online before Gaz crushes my phone with his bare hands.”

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As Nathan uploaded the cinematic masterpiece, more thuds and shouts were heard from upstairs.

“What’s
that
?” Jimmy glanced at the window. Something dark and strangely shaped like a pair of shorts fluttered from the sky and onto the street.

“Tazz’s shorts?” Nathan guessed.

“Huh. Surprised he didn’t throw Tazz out the window as well,” Jimmy commented.

As Nathan succeeded in his upload while hiding behind the bar, Tazz came jogging through the staff door in just his boxers. The customary, mischievous grin was on his face.

“Get that video online!” he told Nathan, as he jogged out of the pub to retrieve his shorts from the street.

“Already done!” Nathan called to him.

At seeing an almost naked young man in broad daylight, a few passing cars from the main road honked their horns.

Tazz stood on the steps of the pub, shorts clutched in hand as he did a dramatic bow.

Jimmy shook his head. “We need to get going,” he tried to say, but Tazz wasn’t paying attention.

“Nathan, you missed the gig last week,” Tazz said, stepping back into the pub. He pulled his shorts on then walked around the bar to retrieve his T-shirt. “Where were you, bro?”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Nathan shrugged. “I was attempting to have a love life.”

Tazz smirked as he sat up on the bar next to Jimmy.

“Nath, I told you before, five pints and I’m all yours.” A Bar Tender Tale |
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Nathan laughed. He knew Tazz was joking, unfortunately. “Surely you mean
two
pints?”

“Let’s start with one,” Tazz said, unfazed. “A Guinness, my good man.”

“Tazz, we need to get into town. I start work soon,” Jimmy complained.

Tazz said to him, “All right, grandma! Calm down. You know it won’t take me long to drink.”

“Yeah, you do pints as shots, right?” Nathan teased. He reached for a pint glass and started pouring the Guinness from tap.

“It’s the only way to drink,” Tazz boasted.

Gary lumbered through the staff door, dressed but without his shoes. He glared at Tazz. “I should kick your tattooed arse out of my pub.”

“You’re not going anywhere near my bum,” Tazz quipped, slapping a fiver down on the bar. “I’m a paying customer! You keep your big hands to yourself.”

“Ugh!” Gary rubbed a hand across his face, obviously giving up. He stood in the bar hatch and leaned against the counter. “Stay out of my room in future.”

“Is that what you’re gonna tell Susie from last night?” Nathan opened up a new line of teasing.

“
Susie?
” Tazz and Jimmy said together.

Gary shrugged. “Massive knockers,” he said, as if in explanation.

“Susie Whitfield?” Jimmy asked. “Slaggy Susie? Oh mate, I hope you used protection.”

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“I hope you gave her a good wash first!” Tazz grimaced.

“And I wish you’d
told
me that before I jumped in bed with you. I’ve probably caught something now.”

“Shut up,” Gary grumbled. “She’s absolutely fine, except she wouldn’t be quiet afterwards. She wanted to talk about everything, about us being a couple now, how much she liked me. I got
no
sleep.”

“Do you ever stop moaning?” Nathan laughed at him.

“Just be thankful you got laid.”

“I am,” Gary defended. “It’s just hard to know when it’s polite to tell a girl to… you know,
be quiet
.”

“You’re an idiot,” Nathan shook his head.

“Seriously guys,” Tazz pulled his waistband out to peer into his shorts. “I’d better check if I’ve caught something. I heard she gave Nick the crabs.”

“Ugh, grim!” Jimmy shifted along to the next stool.

“That’s rubbish!” Gary raised his voice, his accent becoming more pronounced. “Nick started that rumor because he was embarrassed he got crabs off another girl.

You shouldn’t listen to gossip.”

“Gossip is the most fun,” Tazz argued back. “'Ere, Nathan! Do you want to inspect me? You’re the cock expert.”

“Yeah, all right.” Nathan rolled his eyes, calling Tazz’s bluff. “Get it out, then.”

“Please

don’t.”

Jimmy

was

starting

to

look

uncomfortable. “Tazz, hurry up. Buzz told you to get those posters up today.”

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“Let’s put one in the window here!” Tazz instructed, slurping at his pint.

“What is it?” Gary asked warily.

Jimmy produced a couple of homemade flyers on a retina-burning shade of yellow paper. It listed a host of local bands playing at The Hobgoblin, Brighton’s biggest rock pub.

“Punk Rock Sunday!” Tazz announced. “Nath, you comin’? You can see my new band!”

“Yeah, I’ll come.” Nathan took a flyer to examine the lineup. “Looks like the most action I’ll be offered this weekend is getting hot and sweaty with a bunch of straights.”

“I thought you had a boyfriend?” Gary asked.

Nathan made a face. “Yeah, so did I.”

“Oh dear.” Tazz chuckled. “Shall I play my violin for you?”

“I’m fine,” Nathan told him. “Maybe I’ll turn straight for the night and show you morons how to actually chat up girls.”

“Hah, you’re so funny… ha, ha.”

“Oh, by the way.” Nathan turned to Gary. “A mate of yours came in. Auryn?”

Gary nodded. “Oh right, yeah, he does if he’s been at court. Is he coming back?”

“He said he would, about six,” Nathan told him. “Why was he in court?”

“He’s a solicitor.”

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“Oh, I see.” Nathan was relieved and impressed at the same time.

“Is that your mate from the homeland?” Tazz asked.

“Yeah, he’s friends with my brother. He played
Dead
Space
with us the other week, remember?”

“Auryn’s cool,” Jimmy nodded. “He likes his comics.”

“So if he’s from the same place as you—” Tazz grinned at Gary. “—how come he’s nice and you’re such a mopey git?

What happened?”

Gary simply replied, “I moved here first and had to put up with you lot.”

Nathan smiled then discreetly asked, “How long has he been here then?”

“Oh, not long. A couple of months?” Gary frowned in thought. “We all left Denbigh at the same time, but when I came down here, he and my brother went to uni in London and ended up staying there.”

“Is he straight?” Nathan tried to sound casual but all three faces snapped round to look at him. “
What?
” he squeaked. “It was just something Auryn said! I wondered if Gaz actually had a
gay mate. Apart from me, I mean.”

“Ooh, er,” Tazz smiled. “I think someone fancies Auryn.”

“No, I don’t,” Nathan denied, badly. “I was just curious.

He’s straight anyway, right?”

“Yeah,” Gary said, frowning again. “Well, I assume so.

He’s never said otherwise.”

“Oh.” Nathan felt deflated.

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“Has he got a girlfriend?” Tazz took up the probing on Nathan’s behalf.

“Don’t think so,” Gary said.

Tazz grunted into his pint, then asked, “He’s not another miserable single like you, is he?”

“I am not miserable!” Gary grumbled.

“He didn’t seem miserable,” Nathan said. “We had a big nerd debate over zombies. Speaking of which,” he turned to Jimmy in an attempt to change the subject. “Have you heard
Crossed
is being made into a film?” Luckily this got the attention of both Jimmy and Tazz, and they started a new conversation about what the potential film would be like. As good as it was talking to the guys about zombie comics and films, Nathan couldn’t help but compare it to the energy that had sparked when he’d been talking to Auryn.

Gary was still deep in thought as he leaned on his own bar. After a long pause he said, “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Auryn with a girl….”

The conversation stopped. Nathan’s hopes dared to rise again.

Tazz smirked into his pint. “There ya go, Nath. You might be in with a chance after all.” Gary shrugged. “All you can do is ask, I suppose.”

“I’m not interested,” Nathan denied again while the others smirked.

“Yeah whatever, Nath.” Tazz finished his pint and jumped off his stool. “Come on, then, Jim lad. Let’s get these A Bar Tender Tale |
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posters up. Oh Gaz, that Guinness tastes a bit off, just so you know.”

“It’s probably due a line clean,” Gary looked dully interested. “I’ll do it tonight.”

“Really?” Tazz perked up. “Can I drink the dregs?” Nathan and Jimmy exchanged a look. “Don’t be gross,” Jimmy told Tazz.

“What? It’s free, right? Gaz, let me drink the dregs! I’ll come by later.”

“It’s your body,” Gary shrugged. “I’ll save it for you.”

“Get in!” Tazz said excitedly. “I’ll be back later. Nath, you around?”

Nathan nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be here but I’m not joining in.”

“Suit yourself! Laters, people.” Tazz waved as he grabbed his bag and skateboard then darted out of the pub.

Like the eternal babysitter, Jimmy sighed and followed after him.

Gary looked at Nathan pointedly. “Oh yes? Sticking around, are you? I wonder who that could be for.”

“Well someone’s got to make fun of you, Gaz,” Nathan tried to tease.

NATHAN did stick around. He only left the pub to order another curry, Gary’s treat. At least he had the chance to eat it hot this time. Gary, the human dustbin, finished off the cold one Nathan had abandoned.

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As they ate together, Nathan did consider running home to shower and change. He lived less than five minutes away if he walked quickly. But he decided not to tempt fate. How obvious would it be to Gary and even Auryn if he made an effort now to look presentable? No, might as well stay as he was.

The next couple of hours passed slowly. Nathan sat on the rickety old bench outside the pub door with Gary, making the most of the hot sun while it was around. They smoked and talked about mutual friends, watching the traffic go past on the main road. The most interesting thing that happened was a small scuffle breaking out at the entrance of the court over the road, as two men in suits had a disagreement.

“Every day is like this,” Gary muttered. “This is the most depressing pub I’ve ever worked in.”