92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (10 page)

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17
How to Introduce People

Like the Host(ess) with

the Most(est)

It is important to help “newlymets” through their first nervous moments.

“Susan, I’d like you to meet John Smith. John, this is Susan Jones.” Duh, what do you expect John and Susan to say?

“Smith? Umm, that’s S-M-I-T-H, isn’t it?”

“Uh, er, golly, Susan, well, now, there’s an interesting name.”

Nice-try-forget-it. Don’t blame John or Susan for being less than scintillating. The fault lies with the person who introduced the two the way most people introduce their friends to each other—with naked names. They cast out a line with no bait for people to sink their teeth into.

Big winners may not talk a lot, but conversation never dies unwillingly in their midst. They make sure of it with techniques like “Never the Naked Introduction.” When they introduce people, they buy an insurance policy on the conversation with a few simple add-ons: “Susan, I’d like you to meet John. John has a wonderful boat we took a trip on last summer. John, this is Susan Smith. Susan is editor in chief of
Shoestring Gourmet
magazine.”

Padding the introduction gives Susan the opportunity to ask what kind of boat John has or where the group went. It gives John an opening to discuss his love of writing. Or of cooking. Or of
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How to Talk to Anyone

food. The conversation can then naturally expand to travel in general, life on boats, past vacations, favorite recipes, restaurants, budgets, diets, magazines, editorial policy—to infinity.
Technique #17

Ne ver the Nake d Introduc tion

When introducing people, don’t throw out an unbaited

hook and stand there grinning like a big clam, leaving

the newlymets to flutter their fins and fish for a topic. Bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of things. Then you’re free to stay or float on to the next networking opportunity.

If you’re not comfortable mentioning someone’s job during the introduction, mention their hobby or even a talent. The other day at a gathering, the hostess introduced a man named Gilbert. She said, “Leil, I’d like you to meet Gilbert. Gilbert’s gift is sculpting. He makes beautiful wax carvings.” I remember thinking,

“
Gift
—now that’s a lovely way to introduce someone and induce conversation.”

Armed with these two personality enhancers, three conversation igniters, and three small extenders, it is time to take a step up the communications ladder. Let us now rise from small talk and seek the path to more meaningful dialogue. The next technique is guaranteed to make the exchange engrossing for your conversation partner. 02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 73

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18
How to Resuscitate a

Dying Conversation

Even a well-intentioned husband who might ask his wife while making love, “Is it good for you, too, Honey?” knows not to ask a colleague, “Is the conversation good for you, too?” Yet he wonders . . . we all do. With the following technique, set your mind at rest. You can definitely make the conversation hot for anyone with whom you speak. Like my prom date, Donnie, you will miraculously find subjects to engross your listeners.

Be a Sleuth on Their Slips of the Tongue

No matter how elusive the clue, Sherlock Holmes is confident he’ll soon be staring right at it through his magnifying glass. Like the unerring detective, big winners know, no matter how elusive the clue, they’ll find the right topic. How? They become word detectives.

I have a young friend, Nancy, who works in a nursing home. Nancy cares deeply about the elderly but often grumbles about how crotchety and laconic some of her patients are. She laments she has difficulty relating to them.

Nancy told me about one especially cantankerous old woman named Mrs. Otis, whom she could never get to open up to her.
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How to Talk to Anyone

“One day,” Nancy confided, “right after all those rainstorms we had last week, just to make conversation, I remarked to Mrs. Otis,

‘Terrible storms we had last week, don’t you think?’ Well,” Nancy continued, “Mrs. Otis practically jumped down my throat. She said in a snippy voice, ‘It’s been good for the plants.’ ” I asked Nancy how she responded to that.

“What could I say?” Nancy answered. “The woman was obviously cutting me off.”

“Did you ever think to ask Mrs. Otis if she liked plants?”

“Plants?” Nancy asked.

“Well, yes,” I suggested. “Mrs. Otis brought the subject up.”

I asked Nancy to do me a favor. “Ask her,” I begged. Nancy resisted, but I persisted. Just to quiet me down, Nancy promised to ask “cantankerous old Mrs. Otis” if she liked plants.

The next day, a flabbergasted Nancy called me from work.

“Leil, how did you know? Not only did Mrs. Otis love plants, but she told me she’d been married to a gardener. Today I had a different problem with Mrs. Otis. I couldn’t shut her up! She went on and on about her garden, her husband. . . .”

Top communicators know ideas don’t come out of nowhere. If Mrs. Otis thought to bring up plants, then she must have some relationship with them. Furthermore, by mentioning the word, it meant subconsciously she wanted to talk about plants.

Suppose, for example, instead of responding to Nancy’s comment about the rain with “It’s good for the plants,” Mrs. Otis had said, “Because of the rain, my dog couldn’t go out.” Nancy could then ask about her dog. Or suppose she grumbled, “It’s bad for my arthritis.” Can you guess what old Mrs. Otis wants to talk about now?

When talking with anyone, keep your ears open and, like a good detective, listen for clues. Be on the lookout for any unusual references: any anomaly, deviation, digression, or invocation of 02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 75

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another place, time, person. Ask about it because it’s the clue to what your conversation partner would really enjoy discussing. If two people have something in common, when the shared interest comes up, they jump on it naturally. For example, if someone mentions playing squash (bird-watching or stamp collecting) and the listener shares that passion, he or she pipes up, “Oh, you’re a squasher (or birder or philatelist), too!”

Here’s the trick: there’s no need to be a squasher, birder, or philatelist to pipe up with enthusiasm. You can simply “Be a Word Detective.” When you pick up on the reference as though it excites you, too, it parlays you into conversation the stranger thrills to. (The subject may put your feet to sleep, but that’s another story.)
Technique #18

Be a Word Detec tive

Like a good gumshoe, listen to your conversation

partner’s every word for clues to his or her preferred

topic. The evidence is bound to slip out. Then spring

on that subject like a sleuth on to a slip of the tongue. Like Sherlock Holmes, you have the clue to the subject

that’s hot for the other person.

Now that you’ve ignited stimulating conversation, let’s explore a technique to keep it hot.

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19
How to Enthrall ’Em

with Your Choice of

Topic—Them!

Several years ago, a girlfriend and I attended a party saturated with a hodgepodge of swellegant folks. Everyone we talked to seemed to lead a nifty life. Discussing the party afterward, I asked my friend, “Diane, of all the exciting people at the party, who did you enjoy talking to most?”

Without hesitation she said, “Oh by far, Dan Smith.”

“What does Dan do?” I asked her.

“Uh, well, I’m not sure,” she answered.

“Where does he live?”

“Uh, I don’t know,” Diane responded.

“Well, what is he interested in?”

“Well, we really didn’t talk about his interests.”

“Diane,” I asked, “what did you talk about?”

“Well, I guess we talked mostly about me.”

“Aha,” I thought. Diane has just rubbed noses with a winner. As it turns out, I had the pleasure of meeting Big-Winner Dan several months later. Diane’s ignorance about his life piqued my curiosity so I grilled him for details. As it turns out, Dan lives in Paris, has a beach home in the south of France, and a mountain home in the Alps. He travels around the world producing sound and light shows for pyramids and ancient ruins—and he is an avid hang
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glider and scuba diver. Does this man have an interesting life or what? Yet Dan, when meeting Diane, said nothing about himself. I told Dan about how pleased Diane was to meet him yet how little she learned about his life. Dan simply replied, “Well, when I meet someone, I learn so much more if I ask about their life. I always try to turn the spotlight on the other person.” Truly confident people often do this. They know they grow more by listening than talking. Obviously, they also captivate the talker.
Sell Yourself with a Top Sales Technique

Several months ago at a speaker’s convention, I was talking with a colleague Brian Tracy. Brian does a brilliant job of training top salespeople. He tells his students of a giant spotlight that, when shining on their product, is not as interesting to the prospect. When they shine the spotlight on the prospect, they make the sale. Salespeople, this technique is especially crucial for you. Keep your “Swiveling Spotlight” aimed away from you, only lightly on your product, and most brightly on your buyer. You’ll do a much better job of selling yourself and your product.

Technique #19

The Swiv eling Spotlight

When you meet someone, imagine a giant revolving

spotlight between you. When you’re talking, the

spotlight is on you. When the new person is speaking,

it’s shining on him or her. If you shine it brightly

enough, the stranger will be blinded to the fact that you have hardly said a word about yourself. The longer you

keep it shining away from you, the more interesting he

or she finds you.

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20
How to Never Need

to Wonder, “What Do

I Say Next?”

Moments arise, of course, when even conversationalists extraordinaire hit the wall. Some folks’ monosyllabic grunts leave slim pickings even for masters of the Be a Word Detective technique. If you find yourself futilely fanning the embers of a dying conversation (and if you feel for political reasons or human compassion that the conversation should continue), here’s a foolproof trick to get the fire blazing again. I call it “Parroting” after that beautiful tropical bird that captures everyone’s heart simply by repeating other people’s words.

Have you ever, puttering around the house, had the TV in the background tuned to a tennis game? You hear the ball going back and forth over the net—klink-klunk, klink-klunk, klink . . . this time you don’t hear the klunk. The ball didn’t hit the court. What happened? You immediately look up at the set.

Likewise in conversation, the conversational ball goes back and forth. First you speak, then your partner speaks, you speak . . . and so it goes, back and forth. Each time, through a series of nods and comforting grunts like “um hum,” or “umm,” you let your conversation partner know the ball has landed in your court. It’s your

“I got it” signal. Such is the rhythm of conversation.

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“What Do I Say Next?”

Back to that frightfully familiar moment when it is your turn to speak but your mind goes blank. Don’t panic. Instead of signaling verbally or nonverbally that you “got it,” simply repeat—or parrot—the last two or three words your companion said, in a sympathetic, questioning tone. That throws the conversational ball right back in your partner’s court.

My friend Phil sometimes picks me up at the airport. Usually I am so exhausted that I rudely fall asleep in the passenger seat, relegating Phil to nothing more than a chauffeur.

After one especially exhausting trip some years ago, I flung my bags in his trunk and flopped onto the front seat. As I was dozing off, he mentioned he’d gone to the theater the night before. Usually I would have just grunted and wafted into unconsciousness. However, on this particular trip, I had learned the Parroting technique and was eager to try it. “Theater?” I parroted quizzically.

“Yes, it was a great show,” he replied, fully expecting it to be the last word on the subject before I fell into my usual sleepy stupor.

“Great show?” I parroted. Pleasantly surprised by my interest, he said, “Yes, it’s a new show by Stephen Sondheim called
Sweeney
Todd
.”

“
Sweeney Todd
?” I again parroted. Now Phil was getting fired up. “Yeah, great music and an unbelievably bizarre story. . . .”

“Bizarre story?” I parroted. Well, that’s all Phil needed. For the next half an hour, Phil told me the show’s story about a London barber who went around murdering people. I half dozed, but soon decided his tale of Sweeney Todd’s cutting off peoples’ heads was disturbing my sleepy reverie. So I simply backed up and parroted one of his previous phrases to get him on another track.

“You said it had great music?”

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That did the trick. For the rest of the forty-five-minute trip to my home, Phil sang me “Pretty Women,” “The Best Pies in London,” and other songs from
Sweeney Todd
—much better accompaniment for my demi-nap. I’m sure, to this day, Phil thinks of that trip as one of the best conversations we ever had. And all I did was parrot a few of his phrases.